caughthiminject

I made it home today. So I've basically been travelling since early Friday morning till now Sunday afternoon. It's been hard but at least it kept me kind of having to focus on getting where I was going. Now I'm here with my dogs and it's good to have their company. I'm exhausted and emotional. I'll go to visit my best friend tomorrow. I had a look at the scale today and I gained a lot of weight the past few months, so I'm making it my priority to lose some weight and get healthier. I miss him so much. I'm used to talking to him every day, and not having contact is difficult. I think of all these things I want to say and share. So I am making myself write to him in a journal - that I will never send. I even saw a t-shirt I wanted to buy for him yesterday and had to stop myself. Yeah I am really sick. I was raised to be thoughtful, serving, kind. I have an Asian mother. So all these codependent behaviors - this is the kind of woman I was raised to be because this is what a good Asian woman is. I have decided to examine myself, work on myself, and heal whatever it is that is wrong with me. I think I might even be a food addict or a love addict - something I will have to look up. I feel lonely and in despair. And sometimes I look at what my life will be without this person I love so much... and I wish I was dead. Of course, that is ridiculous. I have so much else to live for and I am healthy, pretty, smart and so much ahead of me at 37. I am trying to relinquish control of my life a bit instead of trying to plan every moment from here to eternity. I saw my yoga teacher today and I will be back at classes tomorrow. I think I buried my sadness in a lot of takeout food and chocolate. It all sounds good in theory. I told my dad what happened, and I feel even more nuts. My dad seems to think that daily drinking is a characteristic of Australian men and that I just need to be more firm to straighten out this guy. I seem to remember a few nights when I was a kid that my dad came crawling home drunk and my parents fought. I told my dad about the speed injection and he said that maybe I should give the guy another chance. So now I feel wavering. I need you guys more than ever to keep me strong. No contact with someone I love so much and has been so much a part of my life... wow, it's so hard. I am trying to pretend that he is dead and I cannot reach him even if I want.

dollydo

Unfortunately, your father does not understand the disease of addiction. A person in the throws of active addiction is incapable of having a relationship, they take prisoners.

I have an Asian friend, she is in her 60's, still lives at home with her mother, brother and nephew. She is terminally codependent, and miserable, yet refuses to let go and live her own life. She too, says it is part of her culture. As a younger woman she was very attractive, well educated and had a good job, she dated, yet never married, as she was afraid to leave he parents. Now she is a depressed, unhappy old lady.

You have your entire life ahead of you, get busy living it. Don't make your past relationship with this addict a hitching post, use it as a guidepost, to not repeat the senario, to see the red flags when they are waved in your face, and run like the wind.

Keep your resolve, no contact is the answer.

Freedom1990

The guidepost analogy is wonderful, Dolly!

I know you are raw and hurting so much right now. Please know that this too shall pass, I promise.

Sending you hugs of support!

hello-kitty

That's just plain crazy. There I said it.

Shooting up speed!!!!! Think about it. You can do better than that. Reread your posts. I know you were in love with him but really, from your description he just doesn't sound like that great of a catch.

You are so lucky you were able to get away. Time heals.

PS. Try googling Couch to 5K Carli for a great get in shape running program. I am on week 5 and I love it. The music is super fun and it's all free.

MTSlideAddict

I know it is tough, but it will get better. Be strong. No matter what you would have done, or could have said, you would have not cured him. You just would have lived an unhappy servant to his disease. Now you have the opportunity to take care of you, and to find your happiness.

For those that do not understand the disease, they do not understand how it takes over the affected individual. They do not understand the capacity of the mental anguish that is lashed out by the alcoholic. They do not know what it is truly like to LIVE with the active addict. You have to do what it right for you.

Hugs and support from me too!

MaryGoRound

Despite how awful you feel now and despite the threads you read of people struggling with no contact after much time has passed..

It does get easier. It really does. Do things that make you feel good inside and out. It helps. that's interesting about your culture, I bet there are people out there who are trying to break through those "standards".

In college I had two Asian roomates. Actually now that I think about it thu both were kind if codependent one more so than the other, but...
They both were trying to reject those standards.

It's not easy to break patterns, ESP if you are breaking one that has been set for you to mold
to. That is why we are codependent - it's a learned behavior...


Take a deep breath, you're just beginning of course you feel this way. The trick is always staying on top of yourself, taking good care and listening To your needs, because the second you don't....youre high risk for repeating the process all over again.

No contact is really a gift we a giving to ourselves. It hurt because were detaching from something that FED us. It's time to fill ourselves with healthy joy

The 24 hour rule really helps. I recently contacted after a year of no contact and I had to let go all over again because nothing has really changed with him. My point is that some days are harder than others. Yesterday I was desperate for contact. Today, I woke up and I'm relieved I stuck it out.

You will be too. You know what's best for you!

outtolunch

Likely there is something cultural to this. At the same time, you are 37 and old enough to decide who you want to be when you grow up.

Your dad does not understand addiction. No one just snaps out of it.

Are you employed? Hobbies? Do you volunteer anywhere? Are you living with your parents?

laurie6781

I am curious as to what you are in love with?

You don't know this man. All you know are a bunch of facades that we A's are so good at putting on.

This man doesn't even know himself. He has no clue as to what he is or what he could be, because .................................. His love, His Mistresses are booze and drugs.

Sweetie you can do so much better. Please read some more posts and threads on this site and see just how many who when they had your chance, did not take it and have spent years in misery and he!!

Remember, we are walking with you in spirit.

As to your father's comment. He just has no clue to addiction and what it does not only to the addicted one, but to those that love the addicted one.

Love and hugs,

mayabee

One of my sponsor's favorite sayings is, "Don't hitch your wagon to someone else's star."
You're smart to get back into routines that will help you be the person you want to be - losing weight, going to yoga, etc. Of course you mourn what could have been with your ex- or maybe more it's more accurate to say, what you imagine could have been with your ex. The fact is, while an addict will make all sorts of promises, the addiction has a hold over him far greater than his feelings for another person. I know that this is hard- you made a decision for your own well-being by leaving the situation and it will get easier with time.

Freedom1990

The journey of self-discovery is never filled with regrets, in my opinion. Has it been hard at times? Absolutely. However I am so glad I finally gave myself a chance in this lifetime, and got to know and love myself!

Sending you hugs of support!