Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Word Power

I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
—Anonymous

Some of us are so vulnerable to words.

A well timed "I love you." A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.

There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naivete. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us!

We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.

Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it.

We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk.

We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us - even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.

Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

This doesn't only apply to spouses. I know how much I wanted to believe my son when he said "I'm sorry" and "I want to be clean and stay clean" and "I can't do this alone, I need you to support me while I get clean" or "if you bail me out I will do anything you say" or the hardest of all "I will die if you don't help me"...words, just words.

The thing is, I think he really meant those words when he said them, but like the reading says, his actions did not match his words. Mostly he wanted to appease me and gain favour again, so he could once again manipulate me into letting him live at home where his life was cushy and safe but where, once he detoxed and felt better, he could once again go out and start again.

I trust my instincts today. My son has been lost in his addiction and missing for over 7 years now. People often ask me why I don't look for him and the answer is..."and when I find him, then what?" because I know that the dance of codependency would begin all over again. If my son finds any significant time in sobriety, he knows how to find me. Words would not be enough, I have heard him lie about clean time before. I would need to "know" in my heart that he really had turned his life around. I can no longer live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time. In the meantime I say a prayer each morning and give his care to God.

Just for today I will continue to trust my instinct, my inner voice that always tells me what is right for me and what is not. And I will trust my eyes, to see action that backs words, and I shall plug my ears to words that are meaningless.

Hugs

painterman

This is so true. A few weeks ago I pointed out to my partner that she had made an expensive call to Germany, just to say, politely, 'be careful how long you spend on the phone.' This coincided with my low point of tolerence and something changed fundamentally in me. Now this phone call has become the focus of all her problems, it was after I mentioned it that she became so upset that she went out and bought Vodka.
It has always been this way, I precipitate the problem by a thoughtless remark etc.
I know of course that this is just a smokescreen, there have been countless bottles through the years. I now have a tearful partner asking me to apologise for upsetting her, when her wreckless behavious has caused untold stress in the household. I think she knows, however that I mean business this time. I have joined a group and am gaining so much insight from this forum. I'd rather live the rest of my llife alone than tolerate any more of another persons insanity.

Ann

Oh Painterman, we both know that nothing you say or don't say will change what she does, no matter how much she blames.

Something I heard not long ago has really stuck in my head, and applies to this reading today, and it's about the choice of words and "how" something is said.

For example...when someone apologizes by saying "I'm sorry I got mad when you upset me" or "I'm sorry for getting angry when you said that"...is quite different from..."I'm sorry for getting upset, it was inappropriate of me" or "I'm sorry I lost my temper."

One is an apology that still blames another for the bad behaviour, and the other owns the behaviour regardless of where it came from.

The one that still blames, is no apology at all, just a way of appeasing while still blaming...they can then say that they did apologize and we are the ones twisting their words....see how this works? It can be never ending and part of the dance of codependency if we let it.

Your post reminded me of that, it's a good thought to remember I think.

Hugs

painterman

Thank you Ann for a very perceptive comment on that, I hadn't realised the subtle change in language and meaning. Now for more guilt tripping, my partner has just opened the door in a mock state of near collapse asking if would get her something to eat (there is food in the house) then my daughter screams from downstairs so the whole house is in pandemonium-but she's just lying on the floor seeking attention. I thought she had died.
I'm taking the girls out for a meal-enough of this madness.
Hugs to you also! and thank you.

LifeRecovery

Ann-

I read this this morning and was amazed at when I put something out to the universe I always get my answer. The question is if I am open to what the answer gives.

I posted earlier this week about struggling with what I hear and how I am so focused on words. I got great ESH from this site over the last week and spent yesterday's therapy session on this topic. Then this morning I get another gentle ESH.

Thanks for posting it...I was going to also. It moved me so much.

Ann

Words have been on my mind lately. This past week I have found some business people who are normally polite and upbeat, to be somewhat snippy in their e-mails. I am not good a deciphering the "attitude" or "body language" in e-mail and texting. It's good to be extra polite when the word is only written.

Words and how things are said can have a big influence on how they are perceived.

Now actions speak clearly, that's what I like, action.

Just pondering tonight.

Hugs

fourmaggie

ANN, i just read this to my best friend only that nite when it was in the daily book....she was stunned, the words are so powerful for us coddies....

this reading was a good example to me and about some men that i date....

I read mine FAITHFULLY every single day!!

hope213

i have truely missed "the langage of letting go". thank you Ann for all the devotion u have put in S.R. thru the yrs. hugs,