New - need some perspective
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
New - need some perspective
My husband is a drug addict and just got out of his 30 day rehab. He worked hard while he was there. He's been going to meetings and his outpatient programs. But I am so sick of hearing him talk about himself! And his temper has been out of control. And he is crying constantly and miserable to be around. And he says I'm not being supportive enough but I feel like I am all out of sympathy for him! Tonight he broke the glass on our screen door. Now he's apologetic and crying again. Obviously there is so much more to the story, but not feeling like sharing right now.
Can someone tell me something wise and comforting? I'm feeling so angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and sad and scared and depressed! Arrgh!
:
Can someone tell me something wise and comforting? I'm feeling so angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and sad and scared and depressed! Arrgh!
:
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome
More will be along soon. Sometimes it can be slow on the weekend.
I have done the following to help myself when my loved ones have struggled with addiction.
-Joined Al-anon (a group for friends and family who have loved ones addicted to alcohol), there is also a group called Nar-anon for thosed that have loved ones addicted to drugs but they do not seem to have as much access
-Got and individual counselor for myself
-Did a lot of reading about addiction
This helped me to realize that most of my emotions were pretty normal. It also helped me to make some necessary changes in myself so I got off the rollarcoaster ride with my loved ones.
Good luck and sending warm thoughts your way. Keep posting.
More will be along soon. Sometimes it can be slow on the weekend.
I have done the following to help myself when my loved ones have struggled with addiction.
-Joined Al-anon (a group for friends and family who have loved ones addicted to alcohol), there is also a group called Nar-anon for thosed that have loved ones addicted to drugs but they do not seem to have as much access
-Got and individual counselor for myself
-Did a lot of reading about addiction
This helped me to realize that most of my emotions were pretty normal. It also helped me to make some necessary changes in myself so I got off the rollarcoaster ride with my loved ones.
Good luck and sending warm thoughts your way. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 19
It can be a trying experience living with an addict in early recovery. One thing that confuses a lot of people is that the addict often seems to get worse. It takes more than a little time to recover from addiction.
Try to be as supportive as possible, get some support for yourself too.
As long as your husband keeps working his program, it will get better remember he's probably been sick a long time and recovery is a process.
Oh, and practice saying "go to a meeting sweetie"
Try to be as supportive as possible, get some support for yourself too.
As long as your husband keeps working his program, it will get better remember he's probably been sick a long time and recovery is a process.
Oh, and practice saying "go to a meeting sweetie"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Welcome,
Sorry you had to join, hope you find some comfort here. It is so hard to deal with drug addiction.
I have only dealt with sons and addictions, and imagine it's even harder when it is a spouse. I do know it is good when they talk to you about the problems. Most avoid it. All you can do is listen, try to improve anything in your control. But the recovery is ultimately there's alone to handle. There negativity and anger is with themselves. (remember that) I try to spend a few hours trying to make a enjoyable time with him and then I take time for myself, usually three hours before bed. I have found Nar-anon to have been so much help and support. You must take time out for yourself.
Remember;you can only control you. It is so hard to deal with the negativity, but they need to make there own happiness. We can't change it or do it for them.
Sorry you had to join, hope you find some comfort here. It is so hard to deal with drug addiction.
I have only dealt with sons and addictions, and imagine it's even harder when it is a spouse. I do know it is good when they talk to you about the problems. Most avoid it. All you can do is listen, try to improve anything in your control. But the recovery is ultimately there's alone to handle. There negativity and anger is with themselves. (remember that) I try to spend a few hours trying to make a enjoyable time with him and then I take time for myself, usually three hours before bed. I have found Nar-anon to have been so much help and support. You must take time out for yourself.
Remember;you can only control you. It is so hard to deal with the negativity, but they need to make there own happiness. We can't change it or do it for them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
My AGF was a hot mess her first few weeks in rehab. She is still living there, so I didn't have the front row seat like you do, but I got a few calls where she was bawling her eyes out and mood swinging all over the place.
Later on (post 30 days clean) she described to me that those first few weeks were ragged emotionally for her b/c she was forced to feel things (anything) that she had previously popped a pill or drank to numb out. No crutch = feeling emotionally naked. She was also dealing with a ton of shame and guilt for her addict behaviors.
The only thing you can do is have compassion and send him to his supports (AA/NA). I am a little worried about the broken glass though... If he's at the point of self harm (I consider putting hand through glass as potential self harm) has he considered seeing someone? Quite a few addicts also have bipolar disorder and use the drugs to even out mood swings. Since he's past that 30 day point maybe its something for him to consider. Was he this up and down at the rehab?
Later on (post 30 days clean) she described to me that those first few weeks were ragged emotionally for her b/c she was forced to feel things (anything) that she had previously popped a pill or drank to numb out. No crutch = feeling emotionally naked. She was also dealing with a ton of shame and guilt for her addict behaviors.
The only thing you can do is have compassion and send him to his supports (AA/NA). I am a little worried about the broken glass though... If he's at the point of self harm (I consider putting hand through glass as potential self harm) has he considered seeing someone? Quite a few addicts also have bipolar disorder and use the drugs to even out mood swings. Since he's past that 30 day point maybe its something for him to consider. Was he this up and down at the rehab?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hello
Originally Posted by Mrsoptimist 
My husband is a drug addict and just got out of his 30 day rehab. He worked hard while he was there. He's been going to meetings and his outpatient programs. But I am so sick of hearing him talk about himself! And his temper has been out of control. And he is crying constantly and miserable to be around. And he says I'm not being supportive enough but I feel like I am all out of sympathy for him! Tonight he broke the glass on our screen door. Now he's apologetic and crying again. Obviously there is so much more to the story, but not feeling like sharing right now.
Can someone tell me something wise and comforting? I'm feeling so angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and sad and scared and depressed! Arrgh!
:
Can someone tell me something wise and comforting? I'm feeling so angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and sad and scared and depressed! Arrgh!
:I just wanted to give you a little bit of perspective from the addict's point of view. I detoxed at home after a 2 year oxycodone addiction that resulted from back to back orthopedic surgeries (2 total knee replacements) and a hysterectomy, all the the course of 6 months. Before this happened to me, I considered addicts to be "other people", usually defective human sorts who could not keep their sh!t together. I discovered that even someone like me can get addicted under the "right" circumstances.
I can only speak to my own recovery (8 and half months now), but I do know that I drove my husband crazy the first couple of months, first in seeing me through the physical and emotional withdrawals from the drug, and then the constant chatter about addiction, recovery, why not to use, why I did use, what he didn't know about addiction, what I knew that was better, etc. He also was privileged to hear about every single symptom and complaint I had, pretty much every minute of the day.
Recovery from addiction is almost a grief reaction, when the psychological part hits. The affinity to the drug is strong, and it must be talked out, cried out, shouted out, and more. If he doesn't vocalize his experience, he will internalize it. And if he internalizes it, the "addict voice" may become louder than his own.
Recovery is tough, and it is ongoing. Right now, he has lost the only coping tools he knows how to use -- his drug. Learning new coping skills is not automatic. He will have trouble sleeping. He will have trouble feeling "normal". He won't even know what normal is for awhile.
Thank god you are there. Thank god you are here. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is take care of yourself, and try to listen to him as best you can. It helps to come to places like this where other people are going through the same thing you are.
When I quit taking oxycodone, my husband expected I would be "fine" in 3 days. It took more like 3 months, and then after that I started to learn "normal" again. I did plenty of complaining, moaning, whining, crying, and and a lot of it was done in places where he didn't have to hear me -- shrieking in the shower, crying in the car.
My situation may be far different from his. But I do know he's undertaken a long, tough road, especially if he used for a long time.
I don't know if this helps at all, but it's what I know from experience.
FT
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....I'm glad you found us and I hope you find comfort here. I certainly do.
I do understand how you have lost the ability to empathize with him. You've been traveling this parallel path to his addiction and it's exhausting!
In the case of recovery, support can be in the form of "no action". We are so conditioned to react to whatever is going on with the addict, that we feel instinctively like we have to DO SOMETHING. We don't. Sometimes just staying calm, listening and not feeling the need to fix whatever it is they are dealing with is all that is necessary.
For me, working a 12 step program is the best thing I have ever done for myself. It is not only addressing issues as they relate to the addict in my life, but it is also helping me address issues that are pervassive throughout my relationships with others.
There's a saying in AA/NA...your husband can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. I hope he has a sponsor and is attending meetings. The sponsor is there for support for him so that you don't have to play that role. You have enough on your plate playing the spouse role.
Take a break. Do something nice for yourself.
I hope you come here as often as you need to for YOUR support. Vent. Rant. Ask for help. And let us walk this path with you. The burden is lighter when you share it. And we all understand what it's like to love someone who is addicted to drugs. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I do understand how you have lost the ability to empathize with him. You've been traveling this parallel path to his addiction and it's exhausting!
In the case of recovery, support can be in the form of "no action". We are so conditioned to react to whatever is going on with the addict, that we feel instinctively like we have to DO SOMETHING. We don't. Sometimes just staying calm, listening and not feeling the need to fix whatever it is they are dealing with is all that is necessary.
For me, working a 12 step program is the best thing I have ever done for myself. It is not only addressing issues as they relate to the addict in my life, but it is also helping me address issues that are pervassive throughout my relationships with others.
There's a saying in AA/NA...your husband can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. I hope he has a sponsor and is attending meetings. The sponsor is there for support for him so that you don't have to play that role. You have enough on your plate playing the spouse role.
Take a break. Do something nice for yourself.
I hope you come here as often as you need to for YOUR support. Vent. Rant. Ask for help. And let us walk this path with you. The burden is lighter when you share it. And we all understand what it's like to love someone who is addicted to drugs. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 136
Welcome to SR, glad you found us. My best advice to you is to get to an Al-anon meeting and find a sponsor to help you through this process. And when you are at home and feeling overwhelmed, do something that makes you happy. What are your hobbies? Find a quiet place in the house and read a book, or do a crossword puzzle, or put on some headphones and listen to your favorite tunes, or meditate. I know this sounds sort of cheesy, but it works for me. When I'm feeling overwhelmed I emotionally detach and go to my "happy place" (which is usually in a paranormal romance or urban fantasy book, or a painting that I'm working on). I turn my negative emotions into something positive.
Sending hugs and strength your way,
Sending hugs and strength your way,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: liverpool
Posts: 36
I have been both an active addict and the husband of an active addict, I can relate to your post and how you may be feeling right now.. You sound a good wife and a decent person for sticking with him, do not neglect yourself, you have to be strong for you not just him when he needs you.
I believe things have to get worse, a lot worse, even when you think.. "jesus it cant get any worse than this" it can! just hang in there. If his love for you and his wish to get better are strong you will both pull through, ONLY you know deep within how you feel things are progressing..
I do know how hard it is... never forget yourself, your as much if not more important.. Its so easy to get caught up in the fail train of addiction!
Stay strong! and I hope things work out they way you want them to.
EDIT
A very good supportive member here told me about setting boundries.. it helped me a lot just to even read her posts.. a boundry will cut out so much negativity and help you a great deal! Maybe you already have, its just a thought!
Good luck
I believe things have to get worse, a lot worse, even when you think.. "jesus it cant get any worse than this" it can! just hang in there. If his love for you and his wish to get better are strong you will both pull through, ONLY you know deep within how you feel things are progressing..
I do know how hard it is... never forget yourself, your as much if not more important.. Its so easy to get caught up in the fail train of addiction!
Stay strong! and I hope things work out they way you want them to.
EDIT
A very good supportive member here told me about setting boundries.. it helped me a lot just to even read her posts.. a boundry will cut out so much negativity and help you a great deal! Maybe you already have, its just a thought!
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
I really appreciate all the messages! What I'm hearing is 1) it gets better, 2) take care of myself! And 3) be firm with my boundaries. Sounds easy. 
After a rough start yesterday we were able to enjoy our evening together and I felt like I had my real husband back. Went shopping, barbecued, took the kids for ice cream, and watched some tv. So it must be getting better, little by little.
Some background- he is recovering from heroin/meth/oxy and alcohol addiction, which he hid from us (and I had a wee bit of denial about) until his behavior became so out of control that he admitted it all and voluntarily went to rehab. He is bipolar, he sees a psychiatrist, has intensive outpatient 5 days a week, and right now has 32 days of sobriety- only 4 of which have been here at home.
This too shall pass! I'm feeling the need for a manicure coming on.
After a rough start yesterday we were able to enjoy our evening together and I felt like I had my real husband back. Went shopping, barbecued, took the kids for ice cream, and watched some tv. So it must be getting better, little by little.
Some background- he is recovering from heroin/meth/oxy and alcohol addiction, which he hid from us (and I had a wee bit of denial about) until his behavior became so out of control that he admitted it all and voluntarily went to rehab. He is bipolar, he sees a psychiatrist, has intensive outpatient 5 days a week, and right now has 32 days of sobriety- only 4 of which have been here at home.
This too shall pass! I'm feeling the need for a manicure coming on.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Mrsoptimist
This too shall pass! I'm feeling the need for a manicure coming on.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
hi..having a bipolar daughter who was never on any illegal drugs, I can vouch that it alone is a nightmare. I truly can't imagine a dual dx.
Her medication was something that had to be adjusted on regular basis. It seems rational to me that rehab and newly home seems a positive, but it also sounds very much like the stress can then boomerang on any bipolar stability.
Or, more directly.. I can see where all will take time to adjust and stabilize.
Her medication was something that had to be adjusted on regular basis. It seems rational to me that rehab and newly home seems a positive, but it also sounds very much like the stress can then boomerang on any bipolar stability.
Or, more directly.. I can see where all will take time to adjust and stabilize.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
Hello and welcome to SR. Go ahead and let it all out!! It's emotionally draining living with an addict. Whether they are in active addiction or in "recovery", they will always be an addict.. I'm not saying he can't remain in recovery indefinitely, I'm just saying don't lose yourself in HIS process!
I've learned a lot about codepency from the wonderful people on this site that has really helped me.
I've finally hit my rock bottom before my husband. I don't think he is serious at all about his recovery. When an addict goes to treatment once they've been caught or per request of loved ones...it's NEVER going to be long term
An addict is only serious about recovery when they come to you and say "please help me..I'll do ANYTHING to get better". That's it.
And I totally sympathize with being "tired of hearing him talk about himself"! lol, addicts are incredibly self-centered...it's ALL about them!
I hope that YOU are the top priority now. Do what makes you happy :0) Life is too short to be miserable.
I've learned a lot about codepency from the wonderful people on this site that has really helped me.
I've finally hit my rock bottom before my husband. I don't think he is serious at all about his recovery. When an addict goes to treatment once they've been caught or per request of loved ones...it's NEVER going to be long term
An addict is only serious about recovery when they come to you and say "please help me..I'll do ANYTHING to get better". That's it.
And I totally sympathize with being "tired of hearing him talk about himself"! lol, addicts are incredibly self-centered...it's ALL about them!
I hope that YOU are the top priority now. Do what makes you happy :0) Life is too short to be miserable.
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