Friends?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Friends?
It is amazing how "friends" sometimes act when you are trying to deal with a serious situation. One of my best friends whom I have known for about 5 years I am now starting to think or realize I should say is an addict.
She is a functioning addict, but an addict. She comes from a family of addicts so it does not surprise me, but in talking to her about the rough times I'm having with AH she is know almost sticking up for him in a way. I spoke to her a couple weeks ago and she was very defensive and I thought it was VERY strange. Now that I have spoke to her a couple more times and I am starting to piece together some info. we have shared over the years I now know. Her boyfriend did mention to my AH that she drinks every night. I was always under the impression she just had a glass of wine at dinner, but know I'm realizing it is more.
I want to talk to her about my AH and what I'm going through, but know I see that is just not possible anymore. I'm sad for her . . I'm sad for me not being able to talk to her about this. I am also very surprised I was so blind to the clues and signs. Wow this has just been a big eye opener. WTH is going on . . .I am surrounded by addicts LOL
I've been feeling really confused about this because at first i thought she just disagreed with the way I was handling AH because she didn't understand how my situation was, but then I thought well no she is pretty much always right on track with me. We normally always see eye to eye and finish each others sentences. I was taken back by her attitude. Wow I'm shocked! I just had to vent and get this out. It is so shocking to me to discover this.
She is a functioning addict, but an addict. She comes from a family of addicts so it does not surprise me, but in talking to her about the rough times I'm having with AH she is know almost sticking up for him in a way. I spoke to her a couple weeks ago and she was very defensive and I thought it was VERY strange. Now that I have spoke to her a couple more times and I am starting to piece together some info. we have shared over the years I now know. Her boyfriend did mention to my AH that she drinks every night. I was always under the impression she just had a glass of wine at dinner, but know I'm realizing it is more.
I want to talk to her about my AH and what I'm going through, but know I see that is just not possible anymore. I'm sad for her . . I'm sad for me not being able to talk to her about this. I am also very surprised I was so blind to the clues and signs. Wow this has just been a big eye opener. WTH is going on . . .I am surrounded by addicts LOL
I've been feeling really confused about this because at first i thought she just disagreed with the way I was handling AH because she didn't understand how my situation was, but then I thought well no she is pretty much always right on track with me. We normally always see eye to eye and finish each others sentences. I was taken back by her attitude. Wow I'm shocked! I just had to vent and get this out. It is so shocking to me to discover this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 136
I absolutely know how you feel. Over the years I have learned that many of my close friends, family members, and people I occasionally hung out with were addicts. I feel like I'm surrounded by addicts as well! I live in a small town and was so surprised to find out how many people around here are addicted to oxycontin/roxicodone. It really is shocking to find out how many people you know are using and abusing drugs.
I'm now realizing that the reason that I've been surrounded by addicts for most of my life is because I am extremely codependent. I've been surrounding myself with people who need help, people that I believe I can fix or even save. I never even noticed I was doing this until now, but I'm glad that I finally opened my eyes. I'm tired of trying to fix everyone's problems, so now I'm choosing my friends very carefully.
It seems that you are a lot like me in this aspect, so my advice to you would be to pay close attention to people when you are getting to know them. If you seen anything that looks like "addict" behavior or thoughts, keep that person at a distance until you are sure. The last thing you need is to bring more unstable people into your life.
Sending hugs and strength your way,
I'm now realizing that the reason that I've been surrounded by addicts for most of my life is because I am extremely codependent. I've been surrounding myself with people who need help, people that I believe I can fix or even save. I never even noticed I was doing this until now, but I'm glad that I finally opened my eyes. I'm tired of trying to fix everyone's problems, so now I'm choosing my friends very carefully.
It seems that you are a lot like me in this aspect, so my advice to you would be to pay close attention to people when you are getting to know them. If you seen anything that looks like "addict" behavior or thoughts, keep that person at a distance until you are sure. The last thing you need is to bring more unstable people into your life.
Sending hugs and strength your way,
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Yes, I have had to step back from a couple of 35-year friendships because of alcohol. I just don't like being around 'drunks' that much anymore although I spent the better part of my 20's in that same state. I grew out of it when my kids were born, they didn't. It's really hard to see our friendship deteriorate. There was a period where I tried to "make them see" how their lives were being adversely affected by alcohol....LOL....what a waste of breath!! Now I know that all I can really do is define my own boundaries....for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
This is not the case for everyone, but I think I have been a codie a long time. It did not take being married to someone struggling with A for me.
In recovery my relationships are changing. Some friends who I was only acquaintances with I am now getting closer to, some friendships I am realizing that their foundation is based on addict/codie stuff or codie/codie stuff.
It is a hard one for me, but I wanted you to know that you were not by yourself on it.
In recovery my relationships are changing. Some friends who I was only acquaintances with I am now getting closer to, some friendships I am realizing that their foundation is based on addict/codie stuff or codie/codie stuff.
It is a hard one for me, but I wanted you to know that you were not by yourself on it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
It is very interesting to look around and see the people in my life. My father is an alcoholic. My mother is a BIG time codie! My sister is married to an A that is now in recovery and is doing really well. My husband and my two best friends are alcoholics. WTH how did that happen!!
This is my second marriage, my first husband was not an addict. At that time I was friends with one of my best friends and back then I didn't know she was an A neither did she though. I can't control my father or my brother in law being in my life, but I can choose my friends. It's funny because my best friends whom I am talking about in this post I was introduced to by my AH. She use to work for him when we first got married. She hasn't worked for him in along time, but thats how we met.
I do find it AMAZING how addicts always seem to find each other. It's like they have an addict radar! I was talking to my AH sometime over the last year and asked him "How do you get hooked up with these people you don't even know and start talking about drugs . . you don't even know them" He says idk it just comes up. I have never had a conversation just "come up" about drugs . . it's all so weird!!
It's sad because all of these people I am talking about are very nice and I have fun with them, but in the long run I see it is toxic and I would rather not have that influence in my life : /
This is my second marriage, my first husband was not an addict. At that time I was friends with one of my best friends and back then I didn't know she was an A neither did she though. I can't control my father or my brother in law being in my life, but I can choose my friends. It's funny because my best friends whom I am talking about in this post I was introduced to by my AH. She use to work for him when we first got married. She hasn't worked for him in along time, but thats how we met.
I do find it AMAZING how addicts always seem to find each other. It's like they have an addict radar! I was talking to my AH sometime over the last year and asked him "How do you get hooked up with these people you don't even know and start talking about drugs . . you don't even know them" He says idk it just comes up. I have never had a conversation just "come up" about drugs . . it's all so weird!!
It's sad because all of these people I am talking about are very nice and I have fun with them, but in the long run I see it is toxic and I would rather not have that influence in my life : /
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am finding it is often because I head toward what is "known" or familiar.
What keeps me sane though is a very strong belief that I invite people into my life that I get to heal from. Sure a lot of the dynamics with my hubby struggling with A were similar to my childhood (and I did not grow up with active addiction in my house). Now I am an adult and I don't have to make the same mistakes again (or I get to learn from them if I do).
Recovery is such a beautiful gift, but man the growing into it can be so hard sometimes.
What keeps me sane though is a very strong belief that I invite people into my life that I get to heal from. Sure a lot of the dynamics with my hubby struggling with A were similar to my childhood (and I did not grow up with active addiction in my house). Now I am an adult and I don't have to make the same mistakes again (or I get to learn from them if I do).
Recovery is such a beautiful gift, but man the growing into it can be so hard sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
Yeah it really is amazing how EVERYTHING changes through this experience we all have to share.
Even on a smaller scale, I have this "friend" I've known since forever...
Well she always makes kind of cutting comments here and there about me ( you know those types that make insults into jokes or say "dont take this the wrong way..but...) and for the longest time I always assumed she knew what she was talking about and I internalized it.
Although well always have that history, I find myself not really considering her the BEST of friends anymore. I told myself the next time She says something insulting that is really a result of her insecurities and jealousy..
I am going to be very assertive about correcting her/ telling her she's being rude.
I think its all of these small things...
I no longer let myself get taken advantage of at work. I don't let my family get
To me as much as they used to..
It really has been a major growing pain, but I too believe that my A was a gift for me, or at least a mirror for me to see just how much I needed to take of myself.
Good stuff!
Even on a smaller scale, I have this "friend" I've known since forever...
Well she always makes kind of cutting comments here and there about me ( you know those types that make insults into jokes or say "dont take this the wrong way..but...) and for the longest time I always assumed she knew what she was talking about and I internalized it.
Although well always have that history, I find myself not really considering her the BEST of friends anymore. I told myself the next time She says something insulting that is really a result of her insecurities and jealousy..
I am going to be very assertive about correcting her/ telling her she's being rude.
I think its all of these small things...
I no longer let myself get taken advantage of at work. I don't let my family get
To me as much as they used to..
It really has been a major growing pain, but I too believe that my A was a gift for me, or at least a mirror for me to see just how much I needed to take of myself.
Good stuff!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When I found my meetings it was such a relief to be able to share anything at all with people who understood, and know that anything I shared would be kept in confidence. I didn't have any friends who fit that criteria.
You might want to try some meetings, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And you can share it all and know it is safe.
Hugs
You might want to try some meetings, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And you can share it all and know it is safe.
Hugs
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