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Struggling with some possible realistic Guilt?

Old 08-31-2011, 02:49 PM
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Struggling with some possible realistic Guilt?

Thanks to recovery I can usually determine the difference between realistic and unrealistic guilt ~
Accountablility for what is my part and what isn't ~ but this time I am struggling - so my SR family, I'm going to ask your thoughts on this because I'm sure none of you have ever experienced self justification - but good gravy I'm the world's best at it!!

And today I truly want to keep my garden of self free of the weeds of manipulation, victim mode and dishonesty.

So here are the facts:

We did not find out about signing up Kaileigh, our granddaughter that lives with us, for recreation cheerleading until it was past the deadline. The baby sitter took her to practice with her daughter and she enjoyed herself of course as any little 7 yr old girl would!

I ask please can we work something out - I was out of town last week and we heard nothing about the registration. The Director said "no I'm sorry it's too late, we have already ordered uniforms."

I told Kaileigh she could practice with the girls this afternoon, but she couldn't cheer - we missed the cut-off. Of course she starts to cry. Not pitching a fit, just silent soft tears - breaks my heart.

The coaches call the Director back and say can we please just have her as a mascot, I offer to pay shipping charges to special order her a uniform, late fees - whatever necessary.

THEN IT HAPPENS - I hear one of the coaches say "It's Kaileigh - yes that's the one."

The Director changes her mind - we pay the registration fee & bam - she's a cheerleader - great right?

Well, I know what just happened - The Director must have asked - Kaileigh? the one that her momma died?" Cause that's what everyone asks!

So is it wrong to basically play the sympathy card for this precious 7 yr old? We truly didn't know anything about cheerleading, I really was out of town last week - actually out of state taking care of my dad.

Is it wrong for this precious child to catch a break every now and then - She has lost her mom and her dad - well - he's just in and out whenever the disease allows him to see her.

I know she needs to learn about disappointments, about rules, about not manipulating people - about not using this as a victim.

Good Gravy I'm tired - maybe I'm making more out of it then I should - I just would love to give this precious little one the best opportunity to have a normal healthy life without teaching or setting bad examples - ya kno?

Whew this got long winded -
Thanks for letting me share!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:24 PM
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Thanks Anvil,
I'm officially NUTSO!

So fearful that she will become a young lady that feels she is entitled to anything and everything because of the hardships she has encounted in her life.

People tend to give to her because of her situations - materials things especially!!

I know I could have done a much better job with my daughters - really don't want to screw up this time ~ ya kno? But I'm not perfect and I will make mistakes - guess that's why it's so great that we are trying to keep her in therapy!

Y'all are my therapy - THANKS!
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:29 PM
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((Rita)) - It's not a bad thing that they took pity on her. It's a human reaction to tradgedy. When my dad died teachers who really did not like me (I wasn't a very good student...) gave me extensions on assigments, one even gave me a $30 gift card to a restaurant in town--I got a ton of sympathy reactions and people who pitied me, generally it was the people I least expected it to be. Still, as a result, I didn't think to myself "Oh wow, this is the perfect time to get what I want." I was grieving, there was no way I was thinking about that. If a 17-year-old doesn't think about it like that, I really really doubt a 7-year-old will. There's plenty of time for her to learn about rules and disappointments. Don't worry, like Tess said, it'll be just fine!

Edit: About feeling entitled to stuff, a sense of entitlement she may feel as she gets older, but not as a result of this one instance. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel entitled to SOMETHING good in my life (when I have my woe-is-me moments), but then I realize I have a lot of good in my life along with a lot of bad in my life. It balances itself.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:49 PM
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hey rita-

i raised my niece and at 7yrs old i would have done anything to make that kid smile. always have, always will. even if you feel funny about them taking pity on her, she's too young to understand that. everyone somewhere somehow or another has the rules bent for them for various reasons. this didnt happen the way you wanted, but it happened and now she gets to be happy as a result. they probably just didnt want you to order a pink uniform.
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Old 08-31-2011, 08:59 PM
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your actions-you didn't go to the director and play the sympathy card - you simply asked if there was anything that you could do in order for her to participate in cheerleading, so do not feel guilty about anything. I don't think that she is going to grow up believing that she will or should always get her way because of the hardships she has suffered. She has wonderful grandparents to guide her down the right path, and and if anything, the hardships she has suffered and overcome will make her stronger.

You are a wonderful person, don't ever doubt yourself.
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Old 08-31-2011, 09:28 PM
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If it is not a consistent thing that she learns to use to her advantage, this incident should not be an issue.

My son didn't have a sympathy card......but he had a smile and dark brown laughing eyes that could melt anyone's heart. He learned to use it to his advantage. Not a good thing.

You'll have many opportunities to keep her grounded. Your awareness that it could be used as a crutch or a means of manipulation will keep it in check.

Rest easy, Rita!

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:33 AM
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Thanks so much everyone - your support and encouragement is a priceless gift to me - I cherish it greatly!

AS much as she and I would LOVE to have PINK cheerleader uniforms - I regret to tell you that the colors are maroon and black! But we decided that she could wear her PINK sparkly twinkle toes tennis shoes and all would be RIGHT with the world!

I don't think she knew about the reason she was accepted as a late registration. She wasn't around when we were talking on the phone ~ so all of you are probably right.

I guess I just needed to bounce off my thoughts to keep myself in check too.

Life is all PINKtastic at PinkAcres ~ thanks to my wonderful recovery family and the God of my understanding!

PINK HUGS & prayers that each of you have a PinkFantabulious day!

Rita
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:57 AM
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Dear Rita--I don't know you as well as some others here, but I can speak as a person who lost her mom when I was a kid.

In my opinion, this story is a small kindness that in no way hurt anyone else and is a gift. It's a gift to you, to your beautiful granddaughter, and to the people who were able to open the door so she could join the team.

IMO, you didn't play the sympathy card, you advocated for your granddaughter. I'm touched.

I'm so glad she gets to Cheer and hope she LOVES it!
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Old 09-01-2011, 07:27 AM
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Rita, IMHO your granddaughter didn't do anything wrong and then excuses were made because of her mother. That would be wrong.

She was simply given a bit of a break. I am so happy that she will get to do some cheerleading and that there are kind-hearted people in this world who care about a little girl who has been through a lot.
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Old 09-01-2011, 11:37 AM
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Thanks again!

and Frances - please accept my heartfelt sympathy at losing your mom as a child ~ it must have been very painful and still can be at times! Thanks for sharing that with us.

PINK HUGS!
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Old 09-01-2011, 01:30 PM
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Well, I'm going to 'glass half full' it for you. Are you sure they weren't saying, "Is it for Kaleigh?" meaning-- the adorable, eager, spunky little girl who was as super dedicated to practicing despite not even being on the team? The girl who just exhuded the "I love cheerleading SPIRIT"

Just a thought...
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Old 09-01-2011, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Wife2anaddict View Post
Well, I'm going to 'glass half full' it for you. Are you sure they weren't saying, "Is it for Kaleigh?" meaning-- the adorable, eager, spunky little girl who was as super dedicated to practicing despite not even being on the team? The girl who just exhuded the "I love cheerleading SPIRIT"

Just a thought...
This is what first came to my mind as well!

But regardless, if the only reason they said they "couldn't" was because the uniforms were already ordered, and you had already offered to have one sent, then they should have considered your request in the first place. All is as it should be and I hope the little cheer leader has a splendid time!
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Old 09-01-2011, 02:04 PM
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Well, I know what just happened - The Director must have asked - Kaileigh? the one that her momma died?" Cause that's what everyone asks!
Maybe he did, maybe he didn't..you don't know, do you? And even if he did, maybe it was like saying "Ann? the one with red hair?" (dang, I always wanted to be a cheerleader! )

She's 7 years old, she accepted the disappointment well when she thought she missed being on the team (a few tears are appropriate at 7 and at 70) so let her wallow in the joy. Life has little enough joy, doncha think?

Joy, Joy, Joy, Little Miss Grandpink is a cheerleader!
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Old 09-07-2011, 09:34 AM
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Ann - you ARE one of my favorite cheerleaders!!!

You should have seen the look on my face when they asked if I had been a cheerleader in High School???
I said "Nope, I was a band nerd!"
bwah ha ha ha ha ha

Thanks again my friends - our little cheerleader is happy and practicing her "yelling" as much as possible!

Geaux, Fight, Win
or
PINK HUGS,
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