wife has relapsed and not come home for over a week
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: liverpool
Posts: 36
My addict (i like that phrase it makes it sound nice, like a pet dog sort of) has gone "missing" for the longest a month! that month I could not bear to be in the house we shared, so I gave it up and made myself homeless! this was when there were no kids! I ended up ringing her after ignoring her many many phone calls! second longest was a week or so. She came back but begged for drugs I mean she got on her hands and feet and begged me.. I did not ask her to do it.. I told her nope no nada.. she got up and walked.. oh and took a laptop "her" laptop she called it.. she used it but she had not actually payed for it!
Most other times it was only a day or two... all in all about 10-15 times maybe more over the years.. I am tempted to change my landline number.. I do not use mobile phones at all no more.. I hate the things! I have 4 of the fuckers in a drawer! Part of me wants to see the look on her face if/when I tell her to get gone.. I know she will not be expecting it! I maybe should take a picture a "kodak moment" to share with the kids when they are older.. well I would of if I had not sold her camera haha..
you know the best thing would be to "donate" these new boots she bought.. they cost what? 140$ and she aint worn them at all.. Maybe I should get a new girl friend.. have her wear them for bed.. post a picture of it on facebook! now that would screw with her head.. I would love to toss all her clothes in the street. but this is a decent area and I dont think my neighbours would be too pleased having to dodge her push up bras.. yes love your boobs do sag.. you had two kids.. they look like two golf balls swinging in a supermarket carrier bag... and your arse did look fat in your wedding dress dear.. I was just being kind..
She also has another daugher who is 8 and that child also lives with her father! history repeating? she has not seen that little girl since she was 16 months old when she was taken away from her.. I should of known she would not change.. live and learn!
This anger is good stuff.. you should see my addict wifes face book wall! it would win prizes for my comments about her! all 1560 of her "friends" must be loving it.. I dont think they will be sending her requests for cafe world or farm town for much longer! I hate facebook.. I caught her out once and found her fake secret facebook! along with her secret google mail... my google mail now as I changed the passwords.. just like I did to all her current emails!
Be strong Steve, do NOT ever never feel bad for her, it is all her own doing, all of it, no one put a gun to her head and forced her to do it! they use you up til your either dried up or served your purpose.. feel pity for her feel angry but not bad.. look after number 1..
greets!
Most other times it was only a day or two... all in all about 10-15 times maybe more over the years.. I am tempted to change my landline number.. I do not use mobile phones at all no more.. I hate the things! I have 4 of the fuckers in a drawer! Part of me wants to see the look on her face if/when I tell her to get gone.. I know she will not be expecting it! I maybe should take a picture a "kodak moment" to share with the kids when they are older.. well I would of if I had not sold her camera haha..
you know the best thing would be to "donate" these new boots she bought.. they cost what? 140$ and she aint worn them at all.. Maybe I should get a new girl friend.. have her wear them for bed.. post a picture of it on facebook! now that would screw with her head.. I would love to toss all her clothes in the street. but this is a decent area and I dont think my neighbours would be too pleased having to dodge her push up bras.. yes love your boobs do sag.. you had two kids.. they look like two golf balls swinging in a supermarket carrier bag... and your arse did look fat in your wedding dress dear.. I was just being kind..
She also has another daugher who is 8 and that child also lives with her father! history repeating? she has not seen that little girl since she was 16 months old when she was taken away from her.. I should of known she would not change.. live and learn!
This anger is good stuff.. you should see my addict wifes face book wall! it would win prizes for my comments about her! all 1560 of her "friends" must be loving it.. I dont think they will be sending her requests for cafe world or farm town for much longer! I hate facebook.. I caught her out once and found her fake secret facebook! along with her secret google mail... my google mail now as I changed the passwords.. just like I did to all her current emails!
Be strong Steve, do NOT ever never feel bad for her, it is all her own doing, all of it, no one put a gun to her head and forced her to do it! they use you up til your either dried up or served your purpose.. feel pity for her feel angry but not bad.. look after number 1..
greets!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
ohh the fake accounts. back a couple years ago we were on round two, when i found that she was having an exchange with a fella who a large group of friends. i felt her, but then came the excuses- i was just doing it for attention. doink! i fell for it.
you postings came just in time for me they will surely help me keep moving forward, i just have been unable to believe that people can be like this.
you postings came just in time for me they will surely help me keep moving forward, i just have been unable to believe that people can be like this.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
jksully, just wanna say that revenge will get you absolutely no where with an addict. I'm actually really surprised you threw that out there. This forum is about healing and focusing on yourself, don't you see you're still focusing on her? On ways to get back at her?
Throwing addicts out on their ass is a good decision, refusal to let them see their kids unless they're clean/sober is a good decision, but speaking as both the child of an addict and as a recovering addict, addicts don't feel "revenge." It may feel good to you, but burning/selling their shxt will mean absolutely nothing to them. They'll get angry for one second but then their focus will be back on the drugs, not you. You can't fix her. In active addiction, we don't care about ANYTHING. Not our stuff, not your stuff, not our well-being, nothing. We just care about the drugs, that's all we want and we will find any way possible to get them. Ruining or selling off her things will not make her want to get clean, it will not make her hit rock bottom. I understand you want you're money back and you're very angry (you have every right to be) but "revenge" is not your best option. It's not a even a healthy way to cope.
I don't mean this post to be harsh, but I think you should take a hard, honest look at what you're really feeling and doing. From what I see, you're still playing her game and you're still stuck with some big codependency issues.
Throwing addicts out on their ass is a good decision, refusal to let them see their kids unless they're clean/sober is a good decision, but speaking as both the child of an addict and as a recovering addict, addicts don't feel "revenge." It may feel good to you, but burning/selling their shxt will mean absolutely nothing to them. They'll get angry for one second but then their focus will be back on the drugs, not you. You can't fix her. In active addiction, we don't care about ANYTHING. Not our stuff, not your stuff, not our well-being, nothing. We just care about the drugs, that's all we want and we will find any way possible to get them. Ruining or selling off her things will not make her want to get clean, it will not make her hit rock bottom. I understand you want you're money back and you're very angry (you have every right to be) but "revenge" is not your best option. It's not a even a healthy way to cope.
I don't mean this post to be harsh, but I think you should take a hard, honest look at what you're really feeling and doing. From what I see, you're still playing her game and you're still stuck with some big codependency issues.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I'm going to have to agree with SpeedyJason on this one. Revenge may feel good for a moment, but it accomplishes nothing productive. It causes you to focus all your energy in "getting even." The thing is she has already abandoned all the processions anyway, so my gut is telling me that she is not going to hurt over sold items. Slandering her is not helping anyone either. It causes drama in not only her life, your life, but also all of those friends listed on her Facebook account.
I'm sure you are hurt and angry, and that is why you need to focus on taking care of you and the little ones. Maybe try to redirect that energy and pain toward researching codependency, and attending Al-anon and/or therapy. They always say that the best revenge is living a happy life.
Try taking a step back, and doing positive things for yourself.
Welcome to SR, and posting here is a great start. Keep posting.
I'm sure you are hurt and angry, and that is why you need to focus on taking care of you and the little ones. Maybe try to redirect that energy and pain toward researching codependency, and attending Al-anon and/or therapy. They always say that the best revenge is living a happy life.
Try taking a step back, and doing positive things for yourself.
Welcome to SR, and posting here is a great start. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by MTSlideAddict 
They always say that the best revenge is living a happy life.
NO she's not worth it.
But, YOU are.
Make positive changes. Refuse the negative. Don't even allow it to reside in close proximity to you and your positivity. Positive thoughts, positive actions and forward momentum. Thats what will get you through even the darkest days.
P.S. Facebook and every other social networking site will be the fall of society and civilization as we know it. Talk about negative??!! Boycott and save your sanity!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: liverpool
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by story74
You gave up contact with kids from a previous marriage? Really? Did I read that right?
As for the revenge stuff, I was just letting off steam I think.. I know everything you say, I have been an addict myself.. so I do know how it feels.. I have 2 kids in my care 24/7 they take up 99% of my time, there is no time for her in my head except when I post here..
Yes I really know realise and know that my actions have no effect on her mindset, buring her stuff is not to hurt her its to get me some closure.. she aint around to see the smoke, the intentions were not about her, this aint about her.. its about ME! she left.. I am sick of her and her ****..
The other night I looked on my local police website and saw a body had been recovered on a beach. white female late 20's I thought it may be her.. half of me was sad at that thought the other half was kinda ok with it.. I thought well at least I would get the $$ she owed at last!
Fine line between love and hate.. so fine I am beginning to have a hard time telling the difference..
I know for sure after 5 weeks of no contact I will be done caring and my issues will be settled.. when she went missing for 1 month I nearly managed it! that time i had no kids no secure home and felt I needed her to cope
This time I have my children and a lovely secure home.. I do not need her for anything at all.. I lived on my own from 17 yrs old I dont need her for ****.. she provides nothing positve or productive in my life.. the past week and few days have gone so fast I think it may even be two weeks she has been gone now.. that feeling in my stomache, the dread? it has all but gone, you can only be hurt so many times before it starts to have no effect, you become immune to it!
Nerdygirl, your are so right about social network sites, I have a FB but dont actually use it all that much I only have my wife and one other family member on it and never used it except for now of course.. its like gossip central I think all sites like that should be shut down..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: liverpool
Posts: 36
Nerdygirl, I totally agree not thinking about her AT ALL is the best way to be, I know in times to come I will be in that mind set. Indeedy when she went missing for a month at week 1 and 2 I thought every day of her, week 3 not so much every other day, little things reminded me of her but I moved on, week 4 I had pretty much removed her from my head and put her away in the back of my mind, I slipped up big time realising I had given up my home becuase of her!
This time WILL be different. I know you all correct in your replies and thoughts that it is best not to seek revenge or give her any thoughts at all..
So this is mindset of "cutting her out of my life" permenant? Will her habits ever change? I am recognising my co depency and I have re thought all of what I do. So if she came back in say 3 months and showed proof of say a detox treatment or she had removed herself from the social circle I should resume my marriage with her? She does love me very much I know this, it was her who wanted kids and marriage it was her who gave up drugs for us, obviously I wanted her as much as she did me.
From what I have read on here it seems as if people cannot change and its best to leave them alone? I say the above I know she will not change but ? I was an addict I had a heroin habit and took crack regular, that was like 10/11 years ago, it was tough for the first few years, and I slipped a fair few times, but people gave me 2/3/4 chances and I made it.. now you could put a crack pipe in front of me with lots of lovely rock and I KNOW I could laugh at it and push it away.. Sure her habit and mental addiction is far worse than mine but? Her mental addiction is one MILLION percent worse than any physical addictions, she did a 12 week home detox with me to get off methadone, she did it all by herself, she wanted to do it herself I did not ask.. she did not even take pain killers or other drugs for them 12 weeks.. she was stronger then than now though...
Everytime she has detoxted and gone clean she never lasts becuase of the mental addictions..
This time WILL be different. I know you all correct in your replies and thoughts that it is best not to seek revenge or give her any thoughts at all..
So this is mindset of "cutting her out of my life" permenant? Will her habits ever change? I am recognising my co depency and I have re thought all of what I do. So if she came back in say 3 months and showed proof of say a detox treatment or she had removed herself from the social circle I should resume my marriage with her? She does love me very much I know this, it was her who wanted kids and marriage it was her who gave up drugs for us, obviously I wanted her as much as she did me.
From what I have read on here it seems as if people cannot change and its best to leave them alone? I say the above I know she will not change but ? I was an addict I had a heroin habit and took crack regular, that was like 10/11 years ago, it was tough for the first few years, and I slipped a fair few times, but people gave me 2/3/4 chances and I made it.. now you could put a crack pipe in front of me with lots of lovely rock and I KNOW I could laugh at it and push it away.. Sure her habit and mental addiction is far worse than mine but? Her mental addiction is one MILLION percent worse than any physical addictions, she did a 12 week home detox with me to get off methadone, she did it all by herself, she wanted to do it herself I did not ask.. she did not even take pain killers or other drugs for them 12 weeks.. she was stronger then than now though...
Everytime she has detoxted and gone clean she never lasts becuase of the mental addictions..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
jksully, I won't ever tell you what to do. It's always up to you to make decisions for yourself and your family.
Should you give your addict another chance? Well, that's up to you. I know you are fantasizing about her coming back, begging for forgiveness and promising yet again to stay clean. We've all had that fantasy. Is there a magic formula to determine whether or not you should continue to invest your emotions and time into someone? Nope. Every addict is a little bit different as is every codie.
My husband is a recovering addict. I have given him several chances throughout the years. I had never reached the point where I was ready to walk away from him. I came here because I'm focusing too much on HIS recovery. I try to control him to keep him from using. No matter how much I beg, cry, plead, or attempt to control the bottom line is - if he wants to use, he will. I can't stop him. I need to step back from my obsessive thoughts and allow him to be the person he wants to be - addict or recovering addict.
What I love about this site is you don't hear the "OMG, he did that? I'd never stay with a man who did that to me!" or "He's a pill popping junkie! Leave him and don't look back". No one talks like that here. Everyone supports your choices no matter what they are. Not everyone has to leave their addict to be happy. Some people do find and focus on recovery. Some couples do stay together despite addiction. It's possible. And whatever small possible percentage that may be, the love I have for my husband, my marriage and his ACTIONS show me I'm doing the right thing by sticking by him through his recovery.
Should you give your addict another chance? Well, that's up to you. I know you are fantasizing about her coming back, begging for forgiveness and promising yet again to stay clean. We've all had that fantasy. Is there a magic formula to determine whether or not you should continue to invest your emotions and time into someone? Nope. Every addict is a little bit different as is every codie.
My husband is a recovering addict. I have given him several chances throughout the years. I had never reached the point where I was ready to walk away from him. I came here because I'm focusing too much on HIS recovery. I try to control him to keep him from using. No matter how much I beg, cry, plead, or attempt to control the bottom line is - if he wants to use, he will. I can't stop him. I need to step back from my obsessive thoughts and allow him to be the person he wants to be - addict or recovering addict.
What I love about this site is you don't hear the "OMG, he did that? I'd never stay with a man who did that to me!" or "He's a pill popping junkie! Leave him and don't look back". No one talks like that here. Everyone supports your choices no matter what they are. Not everyone has to leave their addict to be happy. Some people do find and focus on recovery. Some couples do stay together despite addiction. It's possible. And whatever small possible percentage that may be, the love I have for my husband, my marriage and his ACTIONS show me I'm doing the right thing by sticking by him through his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
God what a mess! I probably can't offer any more wisdom than the above people-there are some wonderful wise people on here who have given me a lot of inner strength already-how nice to know they are here for you.
My advice; start to care about yourself a whole lot more, you don't deserve this, nor do your children. Things will fall into place for you eventually.
My advice; start to care about yourself a whole lot more, you don't deserve this, nor do your children. Things will fall into place for you eventually.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: liverpool
Posts: 36
Thanks again nerdygirl, see that is how I saw it, we made a choice to marry and have kids I love her as does she love me, I know she is a good person within and the addict side of her is winning, but I am confused really confused so much, I hear everyone saying let her get on with it, leave her, but ok I accept now I cannot be with her or have her around the kids when she is actively taking drugs.
But what happens when she realises what she has done and yes promises to make ammends.. Her saying that is true, I know that much, I know how hard it is to resist temptations.. I know she is weak and not the strong girl I once knew. I know I am not to "enable" her anymore, for the sake of our love and our kids I will now NOT enable her anymore, if that is what it takes to resolve things I will do my part ONLY if she is willing to do hers, I know I cannot force her to recover I know its her choice and I accept that. I simply will not give up on her.. Call it whatever, love at first sight? soul mates whatever it is it is equal between us and yes she walked away but as people have told me this is the addict not her, its her focused 100% on drugs..
I am just confused as to if I should ditch her, if I have to I will, I cannot take the abuse she gives me, mental and physical.. Will not do it no more.. for my kids and for me.. I have given up so much let so much happen, this is the point of change for me, and if she wants, then for her too but if she wants that life she can have it and lose me and the kids forever, I know and she knows she will never have what she has with me and the kids with anyone else, and when the drugs wear off she knows this.
She will be feeling guilty as sin and very ashamed, which she should be, she will get to a point where she can take no more and come back, this is her cycle that is what she does (most of the time) should I not engage with her? That is hard to figure.. I know she needs a sharp shock, maybe even if I dont take her back and let her wait a few more weeks/months..? She needs to hit rock bottom.. I dont think she is there yet.. I dont know.. but if something was to happen to her..
As for her "facebook friends" they are not her real life friends they are friends to play facebook games with.
Oh well this is another new day, another day of many I grow stronger.. Still cannot believe how much I put her before anything else, that needs to stop and change I know its unhealthy.. I have also warned her "friend" if he does not stop his stupid non advice he will be cut out as a family friend and see none of us at all.. ever. I told him about co depency and how his trying to help her "get off the drugs" is actually making things worse, she is MY wife his being friends is not priority over me and my kids to her, I know he is jelious of me but he can either deal with it or get gone too.. I told him she is not his friend is only a tool she uses when in need of money or a couch to sleep on.. jesus if it was him in my shoes he would not last 5 minutes lol.. he is such a push over, and he tried to tell me what to do! some people hey?
Kids are waking up! time to go out and see some of the world, fresh air maybe the park.. strange thing, I know the kids miss her but my son has not called for her once.. ? do they forget that easily?
Greets
But what happens when she realises what she has done and yes promises to make ammends.. Her saying that is true, I know that much, I know how hard it is to resist temptations.. I know she is weak and not the strong girl I once knew. I know I am not to "enable" her anymore, for the sake of our love and our kids I will now NOT enable her anymore, if that is what it takes to resolve things I will do my part ONLY if she is willing to do hers, I know I cannot force her to recover I know its her choice and I accept that. I simply will not give up on her.. Call it whatever, love at first sight? soul mates whatever it is it is equal between us and yes she walked away but as people have told me this is the addict not her, its her focused 100% on drugs..
I am just confused as to if I should ditch her, if I have to I will, I cannot take the abuse she gives me, mental and physical.. Will not do it no more.. for my kids and for me.. I have given up so much let so much happen, this is the point of change for me, and if she wants, then for her too but if she wants that life she can have it and lose me and the kids forever, I know and she knows she will never have what she has with me and the kids with anyone else, and when the drugs wear off she knows this.
She will be feeling guilty as sin and very ashamed, which she should be, she will get to a point where she can take no more and come back, this is her cycle that is what she does (most of the time) should I not engage with her? That is hard to figure.. I know she needs a sharp shock, maybe even if I dont take her back and let her wait a few more weeks/months..? She needs to hit rock bottom.. I dont think she is there yet.. I dont know.. but if something was to happen to her..
As for her "facebook friends" they are not her real life friends they are friends to play facebook games with.
Oh well this is another new day, another day of many I grow stronger.. Still cannot believe how much I put her before anything else, that needs to stop and change I know its unhealthy.. I have also warned her "friend" if he does not stop his stupid non advice he will be cut out as a family friend and see none of us at all.. ever. I told him about co depency and how his trying to help her "get off the drugs" is actually making things worse, she is MY wife his being friends is not priority over me and my kids to her, I know he is jelious of me but he can either deal with it or get gone too.. I told him she is not his friend is only a tool she uses when in need of money or a couch to sleep on.. jesus if it was him in my shoes he would not last 5 minutes lol.. he is such a push over, and he tried to tell me what to do! some people hey?
Kids are waking up! time to go out and see some of the world, fresh air maybe the park.. strange thing, I know the kids miss her but my son has not called for her once.. ? do they forget that easily?
Greets
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
The difference between my situation and yours is that my addict is present and in recovery. His actions show me he is serious about recovering so I am willing to allow him to stay. If he were to relapse into active addiction, then that is a different story. My boundary is that I will not live with and be married to an active addict. Since I've made the decision to have that particular boundary, I'm a lot less focused on the "What If". What if he uses? What if he doesn't come home? What if he doesn't give me X dollars when he gets paid so that I can take care of household bills? He is aware of my boundary. I don't hold it over his head, I don't throw it in his face every day. It's simple and it takes the pressure off of me. There is no more worrying about what I will do. I've made my decision and I've made him aware. If he chooses to use, then I choose to kick his butt out. End of story.
If you are at a point where you would like to set some boundaries, the posters here can definitely help. If you're not at that point yet, then keep reading, keep posting and keep educating yourself about codependency. Unlike me, you are already familiar with addiction. I was not and had that whole aspect to familiarize myself with along with codependency.
Good luck!
If you are at a point where you would like to set some boundaries, the posters here can definitely help. If you're not at that point yet, then keep reading, keep posting and keep educating yourself about codependency. Unlike me, you are already familiar with addiction. I was not and had that whole aspect to familiarize myself with along with codependency.
Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: liverpool
Posts: 36
My neighbours nephew has seen her in an area well known for prostitutes, she hangs out at a bus stop.. this is not far from our home.. I know this will be seen as codenpendence but nobody gives a ****, not her family, I asked her so called friend to help me.. but turns out he wasnt all that good of a friend, beucase I asked him not to spout all his bull **** advice he took offence..
Another saying!
"if you want something doing, do it youself"
She was seen wearing see-through trousers and no underwear and not wearing much else and looking really rough..
This is not her at all.. she used to be a lap dancer, she used to take care of her appearence this is totally out of character.. I think Ill go down there and see if I an tell her i am not angry with her and that if she wants help and wants to come home the offer is there.. I will not drag her back, I will not force her into something she does not want..
If she wants to come home and go into recovery that is good. If not then I am sure one day soon I will have a call from the po-po saying she is dead.. all the previous times she has never ever been this bad.. this is THE worst relapse ever..
Iam not codepending I am not trying to be a saviour or control her or anything like that, simply trying to save my family.. no one else wants to help, they offer false hope, false promises.. I guess this is a last chance saloon..
I really fear for her life, but I do know I should not stress over the fact I have no control over the situation.. this is why I disagree with the "codie" thing the whole part about control, I have never controlled anyone in my life, if I had controlled her, she would be her, but that would be false and against her wishes..
(I am only writing this so I can get it out on paper so to speak, I know its rambling not expecting a reply! purley to help me!)
thanks for all the replies so far, they have helped a great deal, this forum should be promoted a great deal, a lot of people with a lot in common.. and a lot of understanding, with addicts and drugs, you get very little of anything from anyone..
thankyou!
Another saying!
"if you want something doing, do it youself"
She was seen wearing see-through trousers and no underwear and not wearing much else and looking really rough..
This is not her at all.. she used to be a lap dancer, she used to take care of her appearence this is totally out of character.. I think Ill go down there and see if I an tell her i am not angry with her and that if she wants help and wants to come home the offer is there.. I will not drag her back, I will not force her into something she does not want..
If she wants to come home and go into recovery that is good. If not then I am sure one day soon I will have a call from the po-po saying she is dead.. all the previous times she has never ever been this bad.. this is THE worst relapse ever..
Iam not codepending I am not trying to be a saviour or control her or anything like that, simply trying to save my family.. no one else wants to help, they offer false hope, false promises.. I guess this is a last chance saloon..
I really fear for her life, but I do know I should not stress over the fact I have no control over the situation.. this is why I disagree with the "codie" thing the whole part about control, I have never controlled anyone in my life, if I had controlled her, she would be her, but that would be false and against her wishes..
(I am only writing this so I can get it out on paper so to speak, I know its rambling not expecting a reply! purley to help me!)
thanks for all the replies so far, they have helped a great deal, this forum should be promoted a great deal, a lot of people with a lot in common.. and a lot of understanding, with addicts and drugs, you get very little of anything from anyone..
thankyou!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi JK,
Welcome to SR! Whatever happens, whatever your choices you will benefit from your visits here and opportunity to share experiences with people who truly care about you and what you are going through.
The people who will be posting have walked in your moccasins ... we have all cried buckets of tears for our own alcoholic or addicted loved ones and have the scars of years of emotional pain and the intense wear of daily struggle to "change" someone else to fit our own fantasy of "happily ever after".
Looking back on my own life and after years of counseling, alanon, books about codependency and acoa (adult child of alcoholics) I can see the forest and the trees in my own life choices.
My story is too long and I need to get to work (we are all addicted to something and I am a workaholic) but I will tell you that I had a VERY Traumatic childhood with an alcoholic father that required a lot of walking on eggshells or he would pull out guns ... it was INSANE! HOwever, my codependent mother left my siblings and I in this environment and all of us are pretty screwed up as adults.
Just like you I fell head over heels for my first husband and after having children he became addicted to cocaine. I battled and tried to control his addiction by sheer force of will and my own actions for 7 years ... it harmed our relationship making it sicker and just made him more clever in how he concealed his using. My children were 6 and 1 when I divorced him.
I didn't know about alanon then but I did get into counseling and had minored in psychology in college and did manage to NOT be negative about the father of my children. I carefully preserved their much needed childhood image of their daddy as someone who loved them dearly and always would. When they began to grow older and see things that concerned them about their father I answered honestly but was always kind.
I sent them to private schools, college and I am very, very close to both of my children who are now grown. They still see their father and are patient and loving with him but distant and they have zero respect for him. They made that decision on their own as they grew old enough to form opinions themselves.
After my abusive childhood and my bad first marriage I would never marry... I would date but if they got serious I dumped them in a hurry. That went on for years ... then 4 years ago I got active in our presidential political campaign and was traveling with a group that had a man equally passionate about our cause.
We fell madly in love and all of my safeguards went out the window... he was in recovery and you guessed it... he relapsed. In fact he got clean and has relapsed so many times I cannot even remember!
Looking back I see the patterns so clearly! But when we are doing these things, making these decisions we are in DENIAL ourselves! Our brains, our hearts, our bodies WANT to believe in the one we love... we want to believe that the fairy tales Disney movie princess is US!!!! If we TRY hard enough, if we PRAY hard enough, if we LOVE hard enough WE (YOU) (ME) can make the miracle happen!!!!
I can't. You can't. My friend... your wife is the only person who can make this happen and if she is anything like the love of my life from whom I am currently seperated she won't have any interest in getting into serious, hard work recovery.
Why? Because it was much easier to con me into feathering the nest... creating the world he liked which included sleeping in, hot shaves at his barber, working out (He was a bodybuilder and keeping buff was important) and a flexible work ethic at one of my businesses.
But creating a nice world... beautiful houses, clothes and MORE stuff is NOT ENOUGH for a healthy relationship or happiness.
Life is not about stuff... just because we are bombarded with messages from the moment we open our eyes to the time we close them that this will make us blissfully happy!
What I have learned in my journey of someone abused by an addicted father and having loved MANY addicts is that I must love myself enough to make sure I "SEE" clearly what my role should be in helping broken people in my own path.
I am broken... but I have been healing all of my life despite mistakes made along the way. I made very bad choices in my relationships but like you was swept away by take your breath away insane love affairs! Like you I had children that I love dearly and they became my SOLE focus until they were grown.
You have to save yourself first and then you need to save your kids! My mother didn't save my siblings and I... that is my message to you.
Get those kids OFF the crazy addict train and into the lifeboat. Mom is going to come back when she gets tired of the grind of street... she will come back looking pitiful and full of apologies and promises.
Will you be ready? I am not going to tell you what to do. I am going to tell you what I did 30 years ago that I would do again. Find a GOOD counselor well versed in addiction. This helped me help my children!
Find an alanon meeting. Find 2 or 3 or 4. Try them all.
Order the books mentioned... Codependent No More first.
Addiction is a family disease. You don't have it but your wife does. Your children are at higher risk for developing an addiction problem themselves.
My goal was to BREAK the cycle of addiction in my own family and both of my kids are highly successful, happy, non-addicted and UNDERSTAND the pitfall of falling in love with someone who is addicted. They give addicts/alcoholics wide berths and will not repeat my mistakes.
Now... I can only hope that I have learned my own lesson and if I see that hot looking man across the room and that surging current of insane attraction and the world starts swirling around ... I can assure you that man probably has addiction issues.
I have a magnet for that... I am still looking to heal the little girl whose daddy didn't love her and drank himself to death... I am looking for my daddy replacement.
Don't let your own kids grow up broken like me... PUT THEM FIRST. They didn't ask for the addictive crazy train!
Hope this wasn't too intense... and kids are resilent and they are young! You will be OK... one day at a time!
Welcome to SR! Whatever happens, whatever your choices you will benefit from your visits here and opportunity to share experiences with people who truly care about you and what you are going through.
The people who will be posting have walked in your moccasins ... we have all cried buckets of tears for our own alcoholic or addicted loved ones and have the scars of years of emotional pain and the intense wear of daily struggle to "change" someone else to fit our own fantasy of "happily ever after".
Looking back on my own life and after years of counseling, alanon, books about codependency and acoa (adult child of alcoholics) I can see the forest and the trees in my own life choices.
My story is too long and I need to get to work (we are all addicted to something and I am a workaholic) but I will tell you that I had a VERY Traumatic childhood with an alcoholic father that required a lot of walking on eggshells or he would pull out guns ... it was INSANE! HOwever, my codependent mother left my siblings and I in this environment and all of us are pretty screwed up as adults.
Just like you I fell head over heels for my first husband and after having children he became addicted to cocaine. I battled and tried to control his addiction by sheer force of will and my own actions for 7 years ... it harmed our relationship making it sicker and just made him more clever in how he concealed his using. My children were 6 and 1 when I divorced him.
I didn't know about alanon then but I did get into counseling and had minored in psychology in college and did manage to NOT be negative about the father of my children. I carefully preserved their much needed childhood image of their daddy as someone who loved them dearly and always would. When they began to grow older and see things that concerned them about their father I answered honestly but was always kind.
I sent them to private schools, college and I am very, very close to both of my children who are now grown. They still see their father and are patient and loving with him but distant and they have zero respect for him. They made that decision on their own as they grew old enough to form opinions themselves.
After my abusive childhood and my bad first marriage I would never marry... I would date but if they got serious I dumped them in a hurry. That went on for years ... then 4 years ago I got active in our presidential political campaign and was traveling with a group that had a man equally passionate about our cause.
We fell madly in love and all of my safeguards went out the window... he was in recovery and you guessed it... he relapsed. In fact he got clean and has relapsed so many times I cannot even remember!
Looking back I see the patterns so clearly! But when we are doing these things, making these decisions we are in DENIAL ourselves! Our brains, our hearts, our bodies WANT to believe in the one we love... we want to believe that the fairy tales Disney movie princess is US!!!! If we TRY hard enough, if we PRAY hard enough, if we LOVE hard enough WE (YOU) (ME) can make the miracle happen!!!!
I can't. You can't. My friend... your wife is the only person who can make this happen and if she is anything like the love of my life from whom I am currently seperated she won't have any interest in getting into serious, hard work recovery.
Why? Because it was much easier to con me into feathering the nest... creating the world he liked which included sleeping in, hot shaves at his barber, working out (He was a bodybuilder and keeping buff was important) and a flexible work ethic at one of my businesses.
But creating a nice world... beautiful houses, clothes and MORE stuff is NOT ENOUGH for a healthy relationship or happiness.
Life is not about stuff... just because we are bombarded with messages from the moment we open our eyes to the time we close them that this will make us blissfully happy!
What I have learned in my journey of someone abused by an addicted father and having loved MANY addicts is that I must love myself enough to make sure I "SEE" clearly what my role should be in helping broken people in my own path.
I am broken... but I have been healing all of my life despite mistakes made along the way. I made very bad choices in my relationships but like you was swept away by take your breath away insane love affairs! Like you I had children that I love dearly and they became my SOLE focus until they were grown.
You have to save yourself first and then you need to save your kids! My mother didn't save my siblings and I... that is my message to you.
Get those kids OFF the crazy addict train and into the lifeboat. Mom is going to come back when she gets tired of the grind of street... she will come back looking pitiful and full of apologies and promises.
Will you be ready? I am not going to tell you what to do. I am going to tell you what I did 30 years ago that I would do again. Find a GOOD counselor well versed in addiction. This helped me help my children!
Find an alanon meeting. Find 2 or 3 or 4. Try them all.
Order the books mentioned... Codependent No More first.
Addiction is a family disease. You don't have it but your wife does. Your children are at higher risk for developing an addiction problem themselves.
My goal was to BREAK the cycle of addiction in my own family and both of my kids are highly successful, happy, non-addicted and UNDERSTAND the pitfall of falling in love with someone who is addicted. They give addicts/alcoholics wide berths and will not repeat my mistakes.
Now... I can only hope that I have learned my own lesson and if I see that hot looking man across the room and that surging current of insane attraction and the world starts swirling around ... I can assure you that man probably has addiction issues.
I have a magnet for that... I am still looking to heal the little girl whose daddy didn't love her and drank himself to death... I am looking for my daddy replacement.
Don't let your own kids grow up broken like me... PUT THEM FIRST. They didn't ask for the addictive crazy train!
Hope this wasn't too intense... and kids are resilent and they are young! You will be OK... one day at a time!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
But what happens when she realises what she has done and yes promises to make ammends.. Her saying that is true, I know that much, I know how hard it is to resist temptations..
JK do NOT listen to her WORDS. Watch her ACTIONS from afar. Realizing something and acting on it are two very different things for an A.
If she wants to come home and go into recovery that is good.
HOWEVER, she has to be the one to find them, and do it, because she WANTS it more than she wants to continue the life she is living now.
It is sad to say, however, there is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do for her to either get her into recovery or help her with her recovery.
I speak from personal experience JK, over 30 years continuous clean and sober from alcohol and drugs and over 27 years continuous working on my own codependent issues.
Please try and find some Naranon and/or Alanon meetings for you. These will help you learn about you and learn new ways of acting or interacting with the A in your life.
This is going to be a long road for you and your babies. Your PRIMARY course right now is to protect those children!!!!!
Know that although we cannot be with you in person that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by jksully
...She was seen wearing see-through trousers and no underwear and not wearing much else and looking really rough... This is not her at all... she used to be a lap dancer...
... I think Ill go down there and see if I an tell her i am not angry with her and that if she wants help and wants to come home the offer is there... If she wants to come home and go into recovery that is good... I am not codepending...
... I think Ill go down there and see if I an tell her i am not angry with her and that if she wants help and wants to come home the offer is there... If she wants to come home and go into recovery that is good... I am not codepending...
I can't say this without it seeming harsh, although it's just observation, really, and I'm sorry for your distress at your reality. I know it's agonizingly painful.
What you describe is selling self/sex for money. That is the same as lap dancing, fundamentally - it is no different.
I have learned that chasing someone down to "give opportunities" to do what I want them to do is the textbook definition of codependency.
Is she unconscious? Is her finger incapacitated? Is a pimp holding a gun to her head?
If not, she is fully capable of doing all she needs to do, to ask for help - by dialing a recovery center/group.
The thing is, she is choosing not to.
You might convince her to come home, and re-inject the household with chaos and disorder in the process, causing just another chapter in damaging your family, the opposite of what your good intentions are. But if she is not the one driving the desire for recovery, you are just damaging your family more, by behaving this way and bringing the chaos back into your household.
It's a harsh reality to stomach, truly.
Sending support,
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: liverpool
Posts: 36
Hopeworks, thankyou from my heart for your reply, same to everyone thankyou, and ya its pretty deep, I like deep! I will have to re read it a few more times to digest it and understand, I fully apreciate all your injections of past events. Its such a hard world out there, everyday is a new learning curve, I got complacent many years ago, thought I knew it all and had it sussed.. how silly!
I only mentioned her being a lap dancer as she is (to me) the best looking women (inside and out) in the world she is EVERYTHING to me the whole kit and kaboodle haha if u understand that term..
She is a typical girly female, loves her make up, makes sure her hair looks decent and always has clean clothes, just a really nice clean person..
To hear that she is selling her body for sex is nothing new to me, indeed it has happened during our marrage and even before we committed ourselves to each other.. She was described as looking like what a typical prostitute looks like (I am not trying to be offensive and I am no better than anyone else i do not look down on others) a real skanky dirty ho.. thats how she looks right now.. never before has she looked like that..
I also know from previous excperiences she does not eat, she has suffered from bulemia and anorexia really bad.. at one point in her 20's she dropped to under 6 stone in weight (less than a size zero.. stick insect thin) and she was close to death and was in hospital for 6 months..
She will waste away to nothing and I know she will not care if she lives or dies.. I care but I know that is not enough.. I am losing weight myself.. I weighed myself at he doctors today.. I have dropped nearly 28 pounds? 2 stone, I dont know if that makes sense to all you americans! i was 15 stone or there abouts, now at 13 stone, I think I am a size 32 waist. I aint been this slim since my teens!
I did not meet her at no bar or on the streets I was not a "jon" or met her threw the streets or paid for sex.. we met through a mutual "friend"
You know it kills because she has been abused and abused herself threw working as a prostitute she confused "making love" as all couple in love do, she thinks its dirty, she thinks becuase I want to make love it must mean I treat her like a prostitute, without going into gory details lol.. obviously we adults when in love or in relationships want to show are partners how much we love them and what they mean to us.. making love is one part of that..
When she refuses to be close to me, it hurts me, kills me to think she will do all kinds of things with strangers for money, yet wont make love to me, the one she married, the one she love.. we shared so many secrets shared so many happy memories and bad too.. we compatible in soo many ways.. just just husband and wife, soul mates, best friends everything, she could actually make me laugh as I would make her cry with laughter.. I have never had that bond and connection with anyone ever.. I doubt I could with anyone else.. I dont know if I would even want to..
You know.. I have been using this dating site.. nothing serious just a means to chat to new people.. clean chat not dirty sex stuff.. and there is the lady who really likes me for who I am.. she has offered to come round to my place.. go the park with the kids.. get to know each other.. and yes maybe even have sex.. I am a man! I have needs lol.. its only natural.. but although she is a nice looking person I could not raise smile.. let alone contemplate sleeping with her.. I am not religious in anyway at all.. hate religion for what it has done to our world.. but I kinda believe when I got married, it was for life.. sickness and in health all that jazz. Now I guess my marriage is on ice.. on hold so even though she is doing sex for cash.. I could not do it to myself.. not to her, for me It would feel wrong.. crazy person am I??
Sorry for the waffle.. you know you people who are in a different country have made more sense to me and offered more support than anyone else.. kinda proves this world aint all that bad and there are some decent human beings left..
Thanks
James
Originally Posted by catlovermi
I can't say this without it seeming harsh, although it's just observation, really, and I'm sorry for your distress at your reality. I know it's agonizingly painful.
What you describe is selling self/sex for money. That is the same as lap dancing, fundamentally - it is no different.
I have learned that chasing someone down to "give opportunities" to do what I want them to do is the textbook definition of codependency.
Is she unconscious? Is her finger incapacitated? Is a pimp holding a gun to her head?
If not, she is fully capable of doing all she needs to do, to ask for help - by dialing a recovery center/group.
The thing is, she is choosing not to.
You might convince her to come home, and re-inject the household with chaos and disorder in the process, causing just another chapter in damaging your family, the opposite of what your good intentions are. But if she is not the one driving the desire for recovery, you are just damaging your family more, by behaving this way and bringing the chaos back into your household.
It's a harsh reality to stomach, truly.
Sending support,
CLMI
What you describe is selling self/sex for money. That is the same as lap dancing, fundamentally - it is no different.
I have learned that chasing someone down to "give opportunities" to do what I want them to do is the textbook definition of codependency.
Is she unconscious? Is her finger incapacitated? Is a pimp holding a gun to her head?
If not, she is fully capable of doing all she needs to do, to ask for help - by dialing a recovery center/group.
The thing is, she is choosing not to.
You might convince her to come home, and re-inject the household with chaos and disorder in the process, causing just another chapter in damaging your family, the opposite of what your good intentions are. But if she is not the one driving the desire for recovery, you are just damaging your family more, by behaving this way and bringing the chaos back into your household.
It's a harsh reality to stomach, truly.
Sending support,
CLMI
She is a typical girly female, loves her make up, makes sure her hair looks decent and always has clean clothes, just a really nice clean person..
To hear that she is selling her body for sex is nothing new to me, indeed it has happened during our marrage and even before we committed ourselves to each other.. She was described as looking like what a typical prostitute looks like (I am not trying to be offensive and I am no better than anyone else i do not look down on others) a real skanky dirty ho.. thats how she looks right now.. never before has she looked like that..
I also know from previous excperiences she does not eat, she has suffered from bulemia and anorexia really bad.. at one point in her 20's she dropped to under 6 stone in weight (less than a size zero.. stick insect thin) and she was close to death and was in hospital for 6 months..
She will waste away to nothing and I know she will not care if she lives or dies.. I care but I know that is not enough.. I am losing weight myself.. I weighed myself at he doctors today.. I have dropped nearly 28 pounds? 2 stone, I dont know if that makes sense to all you americans! i was 15 stone or there abouts, now at 13 stone, I think I am a size 32 waist. I aint been this slim since my teens!
I did not meet her at no bar or on the streets I was not a "jon" or met her threw the streets or paid for sex.. we met through a mutual "friend"
You know it kills because she has been abused and abused herself threw working as a prostitute she confused "making love" as all couple in love do, she thinks its dirty, she thinks becuase I want to make love it must mean I treat her like a prostitute, without going into gory details lol.. obviously we adults when in love or in relationships want to show are partners how much we love them and what they mean to us.. making love is one part of that..
When she refuses to be close to me, it hurts me, kills me to think she will do all kinds of things with strangers for money, yet wont make love to me, the one she married, the one she love.. we shared so many secrets shared so many happy memories and bad too.. we compatible in soo many ways.. just just husband and wife, soul mates, best friends everything, she could actually make me laugh as I would make her cry with laughter.. I have never had that bond and connection with anyone ever.. I doubt I could with anyone else.. I dont know if I would even want to..
You know.. I have been using this dating site.. nothing serious just a means to chat to new people.. clean chat not dirty sex stuff.. and there is the lady who really likes me for who I am.. she has offered to come round to my place.. go the park with the kids.. get to know each other.. and yes maybe even have sex.. I am a man! I have needs lol.. its only natural.. but although she is a nice looking person I could not raise smile.. let alone contemplate sleeping with her.. I am not religious in anyway at all.. hate religion for what it has done to our world.. but I kinda believe when I got married, it was for life.. sickness and in health all that jazz. Now I guess my marriage is on ice.. on hold so even though she is doing sex for cash.. I could not do it to myself.. not to her, for me It would feel wrong.. crazy person am I??
Sorry for the waffle.. you know you people who are in a different country have made more sense to me and offered more support than anyone else.. kinda proves this world aint all that bad and there are some decent human beings left..
Thanks
James
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
James - your story is so heartbreaking. It's clear that you are a wonderful man who is suffering terribly right now. You miss your wife, your friend, companion and the mother of your children. You have obviously been devoted to her from the very start and you sound as if you have a heart of gold. I pray that you can channel that devotion and be as good to yourself as you have been to her and your children. They are very lucky to have you for a dad.
Letting go of The Dream and realizing that perhaps she is simply not capable of being what you thought she was or hoped she could be is the hardest thing of all. I almost lost my soul to a man in a similar relationship like you describe. Oh, I was so blind and didn't see how I was giving up so much of myself to keep the relationship propped up. The hardest part of that memory is realizing how much I neglected the emotional needs of my children because I was just tapped out 90% of the time from giving him all my energy. God, I regret that more than anything and there's no going back now...they're grown and it's too late.
She's gone. I hope you can let her go and move forward with your own healing. You and your children deserve real happiness.
Letting go of The Dream and realizing that perhaps she is simply not capable of being what you thought she was or hoped she could be is the hardest thing of all. I almost lost my soul to a man in a similar relationship like you describe. Oh, I was so blind and didn't see how I was giving up so much of myself to keep the relationship propped up. The hardest part of that memory is realizing how much I neglected the emotional needs of my children because I was just tapped out 90% of the time from giving him all my energy. God, I regret that more than anything and there's no going back now...they're grown and it's too late.
She's gone. I hope you can let her go and move forward with your own healing. You and your children deserve real happiness.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
james-
as i read your posts i see that you and i are a lot alike and in the same situation. word for word man. after 5 years of love and turmoil with my xgf, i am only now starting to heal for real. just starting. i'll end up rambling myself here, but there is a lot i want to share. if you read my old posts and the replies, you'll see that i have been declared one of the hardest cases here. but everything everyone ever said is pretty much on mark.
i feel for you. literally. my girl had a bad childhood and a broken family. i was managing a liquor store that was next to the restaurant where she worked. thats how we met. she came in a couple times for cigarettes and i thought. hmmm she seems cool and cute. i stopped in the restaurant one night and was drawn to her like no other. we started talking and that moment was like magic. i felt a connection to her that i instantly thought- this is the one. and i never thought there was 'the one.'
the chase began. and she was receptive. at first. then i went into a tailspin trying to win her. i bacame, as embarrasing as it is to admit, kind of obsessed. i lost weight couldnt focus. my life was unside down. after a couple months of her pulling me in then pushing me away, i quit. i said enough. i soon after met a really nice girl who was into me the way i was into the girl i couldnt have. after a couple months the girl i couldnt have asked to talk to me. she told me how stupid she had been and how she wanted her and i to be together. i wasnt intot he other girl anymore so after i broke things off with her, me and my love were together. after a month of bliss, things got weird. and hte next few months were up and down, mostly down. but we ended up together. i realized i was not digging her constant pot smoking and on and off pill use. i felt like a hostage in my own house, as much as i loved her i felt we were distant. she started talking to a my friends brother. i flipped. she came back a couple days later crying and spilled her guts about EVERYTHING in her life. i felt bad for her and thought she was ready to change. that lsted 2 months.
we were apart for about 9 months to a year. she called. we decided to start over fresh. two days later her sister showed up with a bag of paraphernalia for heroin and crack. again she talked about needing help, but no actions. we made it six months until she didnt come home one night. i packed her stuff. a year later i found out she was on the streets selling herself for drugs. i still loved her. without a thought i went to find her. i searched and searched until i found her. i just wanted to tell her that people cared and that it she needed help i was there.
i let her stay with me until her mom came from across country to see her. i did everything to keep her off the streets. everything got set up for rehab. she lasted 2 days. then there was a year of everything that goes on with an addict. but we were in love, i thought. when i couldnt support her she 'worked' i never judged her for it or thought any less of her. somehow all the sadness thati felt she had made me love her more. we alsways talked about our plans for the future once she was clean, it was a fairy tale that believed would end well, for the most part. it didnt.
i have learned a lot about me and her and addiction and picking the wrong person. it may not apply to you, but i'll share it anyway.
she told me about the bad stuff in her life. and if i heard the story without ever seeing her and before meeting her, i'd have passed on trying something with her. but things dont happen that way. on top of her past there are the issues of heavy hard drug abuse and prostitution. i may be wring but i do not think any one comes out of drugs and prostitution undamaged. when my gf finally went away to get clean i saw that after a couple weeks she did nto seem to be taking recovery seriously. instead of facing everything, she ran from it backto the arms of white powder and yellowish rocks, and doing what she had to do to get it.
until there is solid time working on all aspects of it, nothing really changed. it the saying of a dry-alcholic. nothing is fixed they are jsut holding tight until the next time.
i dont know you or your wife, but i know how you feel about her, there was no one more beautiful or attractive than my gf. even the 'imperfections' i loved because they were hers. we haave the same take onthe world, we bonded over music and things that seem trivial on a deep level that made me think she was the one. i had no desire to for anyone else on any level. i loved her. i loved everything about her. i beleived that she is the person i know i met without this all going on.
but everyone one else thought something different about her. i believed her and i werespecial on a level that people jsut couldnt see. but hten i started reading and reading. about addiction and narcissism, about codependency. and her and i are textbook examples of disorder playing itself out. love is not an instant attraction. its something that builds over time. at least mature love is. i am learning about my past, my cvhildhood that formed me into who i am and that lead me to chosing her. jsut like her childhood and past led her to eventual drug use to drown the pain, i became addicted to her to avoid my pain. it didnt makes sense entirely at first, but it is more and more.
i am scared for her. i dont want her to o.d. and die alone in an alley, but she has to want toget out of that alley...for good. but for the first time i am seeing that i dont want to die and leave my niece alone becasue i didnt take care of myself while hanging on to someone who really isnt there for me.
i knw how crazy you might be feeling inside with worry and loss and all. i lost 25 pounds over this too. and fast!
so all iam saying is you are not alone and if you want to shat feel free to pm me. but one thing is certain, this board isa great place to be when we are in such a situation as being involved with an addict.
as i read your posts i see that you and i are a lot alike and in the same situation. word for word man. after 5 years of love and turmoil with my xgf, i am only now starting to heal for real. just starting. i'll end up rambling myself here, but there is a lot i want to share. if you read my old posts and the replies, you'll see that i have been declared one of the hardest cases here. but everything everyone ever said is pretty much on mark.
i feel for you. literally. my girl had a bad childhood and a broken family. i was managing a liquor store that was next to the restaurant where she worked. thats how we met. she came in a couple times for cigarettes and i thought. hmmm she seems cool and cute. i stopped in the restaurant one night and was drawn to her like no other. we started talking and that moment was like magic. i felt a connection to her that i instantly thought- this is the one. and i never thought there was 'the one.'
the chase began. and she was receptive. at first. then i went into a tailspin trying to win her. i bacame, as embarrasing as it is to admit, kind of obsessed. i lost weight couldnt focus. my life was unside down. after a couple months of her pulling me in then pushing me away, i quit. i said enough. i soon after met a really nice girl who was into me the way i was into the girl i couldnt have. after a couple months the girl i couldnt have asked to talk to me. she told me how stupid she had been and how she wanted her and i to be together. i wasnt intot he other girl anymore so after i broke things off with her, me and my love were together. after a month of bliss, things got weird. and hte next few months were up and down, mostly down. but we ended up together. i realized i was not digging her constant pot smoking and on and off pill use. i felt like a hostage in my own house, as much as i loved her i felt we were distant. she started talking to a my friends brother. i flipped. she came back a couple days later crying and spilled her guts about EVERYTHING in her life. i felt bad for her and thought she was ready to change. that lsted 2 months.
we were apart for about 9 months to a year. she called. we decided to start over fresh. two days later her sister showed up with a bag of paraphernalia for heroin and crack. again she talked about needing help, but no actions. we made it six months until she didnt come home one night. i packed her stuff. a year later i found out she was on the streets selling herself for drugs. i still loved her. without a thought i went to find her. i searched and searched until i found her. i just wanted to tell her that people cared and that it she needed help i was there.
i let her stay with me until her mom came from across country to see her. i did everything to keep her off the streets. everything got set up for rehab. she lasted 2 days. then there was a year of everything that goes on with an addict. but we were in love, i thought. when i couldnt support her she 'worked' i never judged her for it or thought any less of her. somehow all the sadness thati felt she had made me love her more. we alsways talked about our plans for the future once she was clean, it was a fairy tale that believed would end well, for the most part. it didnt.
i have learned a lot about me and her and addiction and picking the wrong person. it may not apply to you, but i'll share it anyway.
she told me about the bad stuff in her life. and if i heard the story without ever seeing her and before meeting her, i'd have passed on trying something with her. but things dont happen that way. on top of her past there are the issues of heavy hard drug abuse and prostitution. i may be wring but i do not think any one comes out of drugs and prostitution undamaged. when my gf finally went away to get clean i saw that after a couple weeks she did nto seem to be taking recovery seriously. instead of facing everything, she ran from it backto the arms of white powder and yellowish rocks, and doing what she had to do to get it.
until there is solid time working on all aspects of it, nothing really changed. it the saying of a dry-alcholic. nothing is fixed they are jsut holding tight until the next time.
i dont know you or your wife, but i know how you feel about her, there was no one more beautiful or attractive than my gf. even the 'imperfections' i loved because they were hers. we haave the same take onthe world, we bonded over music and things that seem trivial on a deep level that made me think she was the one. i had no desire to for anyone else on any level. i loved her. i loved everything about her. i beleived that she is the person i know i met without this all going on.
but everyone one else thought something different about her. i believed her and i werespecial on a level that people jsut couldnt see. but hten i started reading and reading. about addiction and narcissism, about codependency. and her and i are textbook examples of disorder playing itself out. love is not an instant attraction. its something that builds over time. at least mature love is. i am learning about my past, my cvhildhood that formed me into who i am and that lead me to chosing her. jsut like her childhood and past led her to eventual drug use to drown the pain, i became addicted to her to avoid my pain. it didnt makes sense entirely at first, but it is more and more.
i am scared for her. i dont want her to o.d. and die alone in an alley, but she has to want toget out of that alley...for good. but for the first time i am seeing that i dont want to die and leave my niece alone becasue i didnt take care of myself while hanging on to someone who really isnt there for me.
i knw how crazy you might be feeling inside with worry and loss and all. i lost 25 pounds over this too. and fast!
so all iam saying is you are not alone and if you want to shat feel free to pm me. but one thing is certain, this board isa great place to be when we are in such a situation as being involved with an addict.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
pt 2-
i had so much more to say, but i realized that whit i was typing, you probably already know. plus i was typing about my gf or your wife. i have to not focus on her but on me. but all i can say is that my xgf and your wife are soooo similar. i understand your wanting to reach out to her. i did several times. soon after each time she ended up back in my house talking about change but doing nothing. you seem strong enough to handle that, but it is very hard to see it then leave and go home. it is heart wrenching, i really hope the best for your wife and for you and your kids. this is a situation i wish i never had to become acquainted with. like my gf, your wife has plunged in deep.
like you, i also dont think this is the real person i fell in love with, i think she is consumed by her addiction and has issues that may be resolved with proper medication- depression. it sucks because my x knows this about herself but wont stop in order to get the proper help. so while i feel sad fior her, this has been going on long enough that i know that she can take the steps to make the change if she wants. knowing that this is the outcome, i dont know if i would have changed anything and gotten out sooner if i could, i was only able to do it when i was ready, and i hope you find peace soon becasue i know the hell that this is.
i had so much more to say, but i realized that whit i was typing, you probably already know. plus i was typing about my gf or your wife. i have to not focus on her but on me. but all i can say is that my xgf and your wife are soooo similar. i understand your wanting to reach out to her. i did several times. soon after each time she ended up back in my house talking about change but doing nothing. you seem strong enough to handle that, but it is very hard to see it then leave and go home. it is heart wrenching, i really hope the best for your wife and for you and your kids. this is a situation i wish i never had to become acquainted with. like my gf, your wife has plunged in deep.
like you, i also dont think this is the real person i fell in love with, i think she is consumed by her addiction and has issues that may be resolved with proper medication- depression. it sucks because my x knows this about herself but wont stop in order to get the proper help. so while i feel sad fior her, this has been going on long enough that i know that she can take the steps to make the change if she wants. knowing that this is the outcome, i dont know if i would have changed anything and gotten out sooner if i could, i was only able to do it when i was ready, and i hope you find peace soon becasue i know the hell that this is.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
