How do I tell him I'm leaving?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
How do I tell him I'm leaving?
I really need some help with this one! I have an apartment that I'm moving into on Sept 20. Everything is all set up and ready to go.......
HE HAS NO IDEA!
My husband has been an addict to SOMETHING for 20 years. The past two years it's been oxy's.
I'm TIRED, and I have to go. Plain and simple.
I started having panic attacks 3 weeks ago when I secured the apartment (reality hitting I suppose). I now take Zoloft and I'm prescribed low-dose attivan for when the attacks come. I've had 3 MAJOR attacks since the first.
I am now physically ill over this. It's so embarassing...I've always been the "glass half-full" type of person; a "Pooh" or "Tigger" if you will.
Did I mention I had to wear a heart monitor at work Friday?! I was mortified...I'm only 33!
Part of my anxiety is simply wanting to tell him NOW!! I don't want to wait! But I'm not sure if I could live with him 3 more weeks if he knew. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation.
I'm so scared to tell him, yet so anxious to get it over with....I'm a wreck!
And the WORST part is going to be telling or 4 and 5 year old daughters about this.
I keep telling myself "this too, shall pass"....but it would be helpful to hear how any of you did it.
He's never been a violent guy, but VERY manipulative and has the potential to get explosive (I usually avoid any SERIOUS conversations).
Any input would be GREATLY appreciated... I'm losing it here. Thanks
HE HAS NO IDEA!
My husband has been an addict to SOMETHING for 20 years. The past two years it's been oxy's.
I'm TIRED, and I have to go. Plain and simple.
I started having panic attacks 3 weeks ago when I secured the apartment (reality hitting I suppose). I now take Zoloft and I'm prescribed low-dose attivan for when the attacks come. I've had 3 MAJOR attacks since the first.
I am now physically ill over this. It's so embarassing...I've always been the "glass half-full" type of person; a "Pooh" or "Tigger" if you will.
Did I mention I had to wear a heart monitor at work Friday?! I was mortified...I'm only 33!
Part of my anxiety is simply wanting to tell him NOW!! I don't want to wait! But I'm not sure if I could live with him 3 more weeks if he knew. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation.
I'm so scared to tell him, yet so anxious to get it over with....I'm a wreck!
And the WORST part is going to be telling or 4 and 5 year old daughters about this.
I keep telling myself "this too, shall pass"....but it would be helpful to hear how any of you did it.
He's never been a violent guy, but VERY manipulative and has the potential to get explosive (I usually avoid any SERIOUS conversations).
Any input would be GREATLY appreciated... I'm losing it here. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
My wife's mum just left my wife's dad. I had to move them the whole way. He wasnt an addict and was STILL enough to be afraid of. He knew before hand. If I were you, I'd just wait till you know hes gonna be gone long enough, do it fast, and be long gone by the time he comes back. 1 trip. A sticky note on the fridge should do the trick. The more conversation there is the more manipulation can/will occur. Just go quick and clean and don't make it a 2 sided conversation.
just my humble opinion
just my humble opinion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by cc88 
If I were you, I'd just wait till you know hes gonna be gone long enough, do it fast, and be long gone by the time he comes back. 1 trip. A sticky note on the fridge should do the trick. The more conversation there is the more manipulation can/will occur. Just go quick and clean and don't make it a 2 sided conversation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
(((wife)))
I have no advice because my qualifier is my daughter, but your anxiety spoke to me. I've recently discovered that when I feel that kind of anxiety and impatience to get going, it's a sign I was ready for a while and waited too long. I really have to hold myself accountable or I'll start to lose it and make things worse.
I hope you find a way to work through this and you'll be in my prayers.
I have no advice because my qualifier is my daughter, but your anxiety spoke to me. I've recently discovered that when I feel that kind of anxiety and impatience to get going, it's a sign I was ready for a while and waited too long. I really have to hold myself accountable or I'll start to lose it and make things worse.
I hope you find a way to work through this and you'll be in my prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by anvilhead
boy honey,the last thing you need right now is to ADD to your stress! you have everything lined up, don't mess with the plan just yet. i wouldn't say anything until it's OBVIOUS what is going and you are far enough into the process where he can't derail things.
We live across the street from my parents! This is going to SUCK no matter how I do it.
Is it really ok to wait until the LAST MINUTE to break the news? We're supposed to be going to visit his family the week that I move in to the apartment (I strategically planned this). I knew he would be gone for a week and it would make things easier.
Still petrified of how to tell my oldest daughter...who thinks he roped the moon :-(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
[QUOTE=Chino;3088802](((wife)))
it's a sign I was ready for a while and waited too long. I really have to hold myself accountable or I'll start to lose it and make things worse.
QUOTE]
That's EXACTLY how I feel. I've waited too long! I also know that I can't get better myself with him around.
it's a sign I was ready for a while and waited too long. I really have to hold myself accountable or I'll start to lose it and make things worse.
QUOTE]
That's EXACTLY how I feel. I've waited too long! I also know that I can't get better myself with him around.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 136
Wife,
I totally empathize with what you are going through. I've been having panic attacks lately too, never have before. I'm anxious all of the time, can't seem to relax. And I had to wear a heart monitor for 30 days a few months ago (I'm only 28 and I have a heart condition, but I still understand how embarrassing it is). But, as you said, this too shall pass.
As for your situation - 3 weeks may seem like a short time, but when you are under stress and anxiety, it can feel like eternity. Do you have any family nearby that you and your children can stay with until you are able to move into your apartment? Or maybe you could stay with a non-mutual friend, someone who would not allow your husband to come to his/her home to talk to you, someone who knows what you have been going through for so long.
If I were you (and again this is only what I would hypothetically do since I am not in your situation) I would talk to a family member or friend who I completely trust and stay with him/her until my apartment was ready, because I know that I wouldn't be able to last 3 more weeks without telling him. The stress and anxiety would be too much for me. And when I did go home to move my belongings out of the house, I would make sure my children were not there and that I had someone with me who could protect me (a brother, a cousin, a male friend, etc.)
That's just my take on your situation. I know this is super difficult on you right now, but just try to focus on the relief you will feel once you are out of the house and in your apartment.
Good luck to you.
I totally empathize with what you are going through. I've been having panic attacks lately too, never have before. I'm anxious all of the time, can't seem to relax. And I had to wear a heart monitor for 30 days a few months ago (I'm only 28 and I have a heart condition, but I still understand how embarrassing it is). But, as you said, this too shall pass.
As for your situation - 3 weeks may seem like a short time, but when you are under stress and anxiety, it can feel like eternity. Do you have any family nearby that you and your children can stay with until you are able to move into your apartment? Or maybe you could stay with a non-mutual friend, someone who would not allow your husband to come to his/her home to talk to you, someone who knows what you have been going through for so long.
If I were you (and again this is only what I would hypothetically do since I am not in your situation) I would talk to a family member or friend who I completely trust and stay with him/her until my apartment was ready, because I know that I wouldn't be able to last 3 more weeks without telling him. The stress and anxiety would be too much for me. And when I did go home to move my belongings out of the house, I would make sure my children were not there and that I had someone with me who could protect me (a brother, a cousin, a male friend, etc.)
That's just my take on your situation. I know this is super difficult on you right now, but just try to focus on the relief you will feel once you are out of the house and in your apartment.
Good luck to you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The most dangerous time for any woman is when she leaves her spouse. Even if there has been no abuse before, it can trigger violence that you may not think him capable of.
I'm not saying this is going to happen, but you might want to have someone with you when you go who can diffuse a bad situation and protect you. Maybe a family member of someone that he wouldn't harm otherwise.
Good luck, and may there be many happier days ahead for you.
Hugs
I'm not saying this is going to happen, but you might want to have someone with you when you go who can diffuse a bad situation and protect you. Maybe a family member of someone that he wouldn't harm otherwise.
Good luck, and may there be many happier days ahead for you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Breathe. Relax. Pray if you are able. Meditate. Take walks. Keep yourself occupied. Do whatever you need to do to soothe yourself. And if you have to, seek help at a woman's shelter. They can help you stay safe until you are able to get into the apartment.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. We care and you are not alone.
Take care of you and those little girls.
gentle hugs
ke
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. We care and you are not alone.
Take care of you and those little girls.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
Thanks kindeyes. My doctor said the same thing today at my follow up. He is continuing the zoloft daily and ativan if needed. I hate the idea of medication considering my husband's pill addiction, but it's actually helping me see things more clearly without freaking out!
I'm still unsure exactly WHEN to tell him. I feel like it should be fair to him too....give him time to figure out what HE is going to do. But that isn't comfortable for ME. I believe I MUST put MY comfort ahead of his for a change.
I'm still unsure exactly WHEN to tell him. I feel like it should be fair to him too....give him time to figure out what HE is going to do. But that isn't comfortable for ME. I believe I MUST put MY comfort ahead of his for a change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 38
I agree that you must put your comfort and safety first and that of your children. You husbnd is a big boy. He has made his choice and choose drugs. So my advice to you is to do what you ave to do to make it until moving day but dont tell him or your kids. just do it. If you can or want to leave earlier and have a place to go then leave earlier. If not ust keep telling yourself this is what is best for you and your kids. Kids are amazing and are able to adjust. You and your girls will be better for it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
I am so thankful for each and every one of you. This is my new facebook (lol). I'm suprised at how many of you have said to just go....not give him much notice. This is what I want, but my codependency issues make me want to make things less traumatic for HIM....which is insane, I know.
My biggest concern now is WHAT to tell my 4 and 5 year old girls.
That one really hurts, because my five year old in particular is going to FREAK.
If any of you have left and had really little ones, how did you tell them? What did you say?
My biggest concern now is WHAT to tell my 4 and 5 year old girls.
That one really hurts, because my five year old in particular is going to FREAK.
If any of you have left and had really little ones, how did you tell them? What did you say?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
when my sis left her husband (he was not violent or had a bad temper or anything) she had made arrangements for people to come in move her stuff out while husband was at work and "ta da" when he came home it was to a mobile home of his own... my sis just did not feel comfortable having any discusssion about it before. I'm sure there were many discussions, fights, talks, etc. about their marriage, future, unhappiness, etc. over the years so . . . that's just how she felt comfortable handling it.
Your girls are very young. If you set up their room at your new apt. all set up and just say "we are sleeping here tonight" without alot of drama, they should feel pretty good.
I hope for the best for you.
Your girls are very young. If you set up their room at your new apt. all set up and just say "we are sleeping here tonight" without alot of drama, they should feel pretty good.
I hope for the best for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by enablingwife
I am so thankful for each and every one of you. This is my new facebook (lol). I'm suprised at how many of you have said to just go....not give him much notice. This is what I want, but my codependency issues make me want to make things less traumatic for HIM....which is insane, I know.
My biggest concern now is WHAT to tell my 4 and 5 year old girls.
That one really hurts, because my five year old in particular is going to FREAK.
If any of you have left and had really little ones, how did you tell them? What did you say?
My biggest concern now is WHAT to tell my 4 and 5 year old girls.
That one really hurts, because my five year old in particular is going to FREAK.
If any of you have left and had really little ones, how did you tell them? What did you say?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
Thanks for your honesty anvilhead....I do get a little dramatic sometimes,lol. This codependency thing is a b@tch! Thanks to this site, I'm aware that it exists in the first place. Your post just put things in perspective for me :0) Life is about change, nothing ever stays the same, yet I FEAR and DREAD change
I truly appreciate it ;0)
I truly appreciate it ;0)
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Ewife,
I really understand your feelings. I left my current husband in May and I ended up telling him a week in advance that I was moving. It was painful not telling him and it was painful telling him. The last week that we were together was awful......I think that I cried the entire week.
The reasons that you have not told him up til now are valid - and will continue to be valid. Telling him is going to be an issue WHENEVER you tell him so maybe do what is going to be the least turmoil for you and your daughters. More than likely that is going to be not saying anything until you actually leave.
If you tell him in advance you are going it will give him the opportunity for him to try and manipulate you into staying. Try and remember that there are really good reasons why you are doing this....you've thought them out and have taken very healthy steps for you and your daughters.
Also, try and remember that taking care of yourself is the best thing that you can do for your girls.......you are teaching them to value themselves and to not stay in a situation that is bad for them. They will still be able to have a relationship with their father....that won't change.
I had to tell my sons that their Dad and I were splitting up when they were 5 and 6. Initially, it was really difficult but they quickly discovered that their dad was a much better father not living with us than he was with us. I made it simple and just said that we would not be living together because some grown up things had happened that made it better for us to live apart. That it had nothing to do with them. I also said that both of us wanted them to love and be loved by both of us - that that would never change. I left their dad because of his addiction issues. So many times he had promised to quit and he never did. After we split up he did finally hit his bottom. He went into recovery 10 years ago and has been there ever since. We've ended up being able to co-parent together and it has worked out better than I would have ever thought. So....even though our marriage did not survive - in a weird way our family has. We're even talking about all going to Costa Rico over spring break......
Definitely understand the panic issue. I finally started taking Zoloft for the same reason and have an as needed medication for the "breakthrough" panics. I had to work through not wanting to take something for it but now am just grateful that there is something that helps me. I've had a lot of therapy and it has helped but all of the stress in my life was triggering a phsyiological response. Lots of people have this situation and it is nothing to be ashamed of. There is research that verifies that exposure to chronic tress can rewire our brains....it know that it did mine and left me with a problem with serotonin reuptake - thus the tendency to get panic attacks. The latest research is showing that panic attacks truly are physiological and that PET scans are able to show a pre dromal stage prior to an attack. I hope that helps you feel a little better. I bet that once your life becomes a little more normal that the panic will begin to subside.
Pleae keep posting a lot and let us know how you are doing - sending you prayers for strength and courage.
I really understand your feelings. I left my current husband in May and I ended up telling him a week in advance that I was moving. It was painful not telling him and it was painful telling him. The last week that we were together was awful......I think that I cried the entire week.
The reasons that you have not told him up til now are valid - and will continue to be valid. Telling him is going to be an issue WHENEVER you tell him so maybe do what is going to be the least turmoil for you and your daughters. More than likely that is going to be not saying anything until you actually leave.
If you tell him in advance you are going it will give him the opportunity for him to try and manipulate you into staying. Try and remember that there are really good reasons why you are doing this....you've thought them out and have taken very healthy steps for you and your daughters.
Also, try and remember that taking care of yourself is the best thing that you can do for your girls.......you are teaching them to value themselves and to not stay in a situation that is bad for them. They will still be able to have a relationship with their father....that won't change.
I had to tell my sons that their Dad and I were splitting up when they were 5 and 6. Initially, it was really difficult but they quickly discovered that their dad was a much better father not living with us than he was with us. I made it simple and just said that we would not be living together because some grown up things had happened that made it better for us to live apart. That it had nothing to do with them. I also said that both of us wanted them to love and be loved by both of us - that that would never change. I left their dad because of his addiction issues. So many times he had promised to quit and he never did. After we split up he did finally hit his bottom. He went into recovery 10 years ago and has been there ever since. We've ended up being able to co-parent together and it has worked out better than I would have ever thought. So....even though our marriage did not survive - in a weird way our family has. We're even talking about all going to Costa Rico over spring break......
Definitely understand the panic issue. I finally started taking Zoloft for the same reason and have an as needed medication for the "breakthrough" panics. I had to work through not wanting to take something for it but now am just grateful that there is something that helps me. I've had a lot of therapy and it has helped but all of the stress in my life was triggering a phsyiological response. Lots of people have this situation and it is nothing to be ashamed of. There is research that verifies that exposure to chronic tress can rewire our brains....it know that it did mine and left me with a problem with serotonin reuptake - thus the tendency to get panic attacks. The latest research is showing that panic attacks truly are physiological and that PET scans are able to show a pre dromal stage prior to an attack. I hope that helps you feel a little better. I bet that once your life becomes a little more normal that the panic will begin to subside.
Pleae keep posting a lot and let us know how you are doing - sending you prayers for strength and courage.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
When my first husband and I separated, our daughter was 3 years old. There were no addiction issues - he simply told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and no longer wanted to be married to me. So, he moved out while my daughter and I spent the weekend at the beach. While we were there, I told her that daddy wouldn't be living with us anymore and that he was going to have his own apartment. I told her that she would have TWO bedrooms and two sets of toys. I told her that daddy and I had decided to just be friends now. She is 8 now and somehow remembers that conversation. I made it sound like fun - an adventure. It helped that he and I truly ARE friends. If you make the situation positive, then your kids will pick up on that energy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: georgia
Posts: 45
Thanks so much lightseeker (and all others who have commented)....it sounds like you've been exactly where I am now.
I really needed to hear that I can make this as painful and chaotic as possible, or stay positive and focused that this can be an "adventure" for me and my girls. If I convey it in a happy, light, FUN way it will be much easier for all of us.
I know there will be tears at times, but we can make our apartment our "girls hide-out" and do all of the things we haven't been able to do with daddy around. Kinda hard to be silly and have fun while walking on eggshells.
Today I'm feeling excited again and looking forward to our new life. I used to be the "class clown" so to speak....always silly, a big kid myself. I run a preschool for goodness sake! I used to be FUN!
I'm looking forward to getting ME back...I don't usually think about myself and what I want ya know. I've been focused on HIM for so long it just feels weird...but I'm not feeling guilty for considering my own needs for the first time in a LOOOOOONG time :0)
It's going to be GREAT Labor Day weekend!
I really needed to hear that I can make this as painful and chaotic as possible, or stay positive and focused that this can be an "adventure" for me and my girls. If I convey it in a happy, light, FUN way it will be much easier for all of us.
I know there will be tears at times, but we can make our apartment our "girls hide-out" and do all of the things we haven't been able to do with daddy around. Kinda hard to be silly and have fun while walking on eggshells.
Today I'm feeling excited again and looking forward to our new life. I used to be the "class clown" so to speak....always silly, a big kid myself. I run a preschool for goodness sake! I used to be FUN!
I'm looking forward to getting ME back...I don't usually think about myself and what I want ya know. I've been focused on HIM for so long it just feels weird...but I'm not feeling guilty for considering my own needs for the first time in a LOOOOOONG time :0)
It's going to be GREAT Labor Day weekend!
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