MrsOutOfOptions

I dont really know where to start but here are the important bits and pieces of my story. My younger brother who is 21 years old has 2 children a girl (20 months) and a boy (4 months). He and the mother of his children are very on and off but at the moment not together. Her family hates my family, my family isnt her familys biggest fan either. Well my brother has a drug problem, not just a little problem... shoot if he just smoked weed and popped pills im pretty sure I could handle that but he is addicted to cocaine, methadone, heroin, oxycontin, and alcohol just to name a few. The system he and his ex have for the kids is simple yet stupid, each one of them always has a kid. Yes this means the children never see eachother. Last week his son (who he has 75% of the time) was removed from his custody and papers have been filed to terminate his rights. His son had burns on his arms that are still unexplained. I am by all means perfectly fine with the children being removed. They are safer with their mother and although I dont agree with her and the way she chooses to live her life she is not addicted to any substance and the children are 100% safe in her custody. I am crushed that I can not see these two children who I am extremely close to but I know they are safe so im trying to come to terms with it and crossing my fingers their mother can put our differences aside like I am trying to do so I can still have a relationship with my niece and nephew. Now here is my vent, my younger brother... I love him, but Im not sure how much more I can be put through. He currently stays in my parents extra house (oh did I mention both my parents just enable his behavior, my dad was also a drug addict at that age, he overcame it and did wonderful things with his life and thinks my brother will follow exactly in his path). My question to you is how do you stop caring? My brother was my best friend, we are 21 months apart and growing up I could tell him anything. He and I were so close that he didnt start talking until he was 5 because I always knew what he wanted so he never felt the need to talk until kindergarten when they put him in speech classes. We shared a room until I was 11. He was there for the birth of my daughter and had a very special bond with her. In the past 3 years he has really hit rock bottom and ripped our relationship to pieces, at this point I dont want anything to do with the person he has become. But I crave that relationship we used to have. Ive started preparing myself for the outcome that will probably happen, in my eyes he has 3 possible roads: 1 he cleans up and turns his life around. 2 he goes to jail/prison. 3 He kills himself because of his addiction. Knowing my brother and the fact that he just lost both of his kids and the only thing he can say about it is that he needs more money because his body hurts when he doesnt have the heroin, im pretty sure his outcome isnt going to turn out well. But I cant help but stress about it and constantly think about how all I want is my bestfriend back. How selfish is it of me to think about that, why should he care about how I feel when he doesnt even care about his own children. My older brother and I have offered to help him when he is ready to make a change in his life but we refuse to continue to enable this behavior. He is suicidal and these may very well be the last months or years he will be around and I dont want to remember him like this but I just dont know what to do anymore. I do go to therapy to help me deal with this situation but havent been in a month or so. I feel like this is taking over, its all I can think about and when I think about it I just cry. I really wish talking to him was an option but he doesnt hear me. I really feel the only way to save him is rehab although my parents and him think he can overcome this himself, they are so deep in denial that he even has a serious problem. I love my brother but I cant let him drag my daughter and I down anymore and its hard to explain his horrible actions to a 5 year old who loves her uncle unconditionally. I would love to talk to anyone who has been in a similar situation and can suggest some things to help me deal with this awful time in my life. Typing this has actually made me feel a little bit better, even if no one reads it I guess it was good to get this out without feeling like I need to sensor how I feel.

sugarbear1

SR is here to support you. You're ok today, I feel your pain.
Sounds familiar to me, my family and yours could be the same. Peace

story74

Im so sorry for your pain. It hurts so bad.

I just divorced my husband. We were together for 16 years, and were best friends. Loved each other tremendously. We have a 3 year old together. He has pretty much abandoned us emotinally and financially. Everytime I talk to him I wonder where the old james is. He's on cocaine now. His voice, his clothes, his smell, his eyes...I just can't recognize him anymore. There was a very brief moment when I thought I saw him again (lasted for maybe 3 days), but then he was gone again. For 3 days I was so happy and thrilled he was back in my life. I realized how much i missed him even after everything he had done to our family. It's sad. Sad for family , children and him. I don't have much advice except for keep reading on this site (it has helped me) and keep telling yourself the drugs have taken hold of him. There is nothing you can do, but have hope that he will come thru it. Try to be an aunt. Breath. And realize you have the same pain we all carry.

Take care.

steve1840

hi-
sorry to hear you are going through this. i am still coping with my situation, so i might not have the best advice, but i at least wanted to say hi. there are lots of great people here with great words and experiences to share. a couple things i can say are that you never have to stop caring. it is more about your actions and detaching, but you will always care. and you do not have to feel selfish for wanting your relationship with your brother back. i am sorry you are going through this and i hope he finds his way to getting clean and hope you find peace. my niece has always been a motivator to keep me in line.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us but I'm so sorry for the painful problem that brings you here.

We all want our sons, daughters, husbands, wives, brothers and sisters back. All of us understand exactly what you are saying. Many of us have come to the realization that it isn't our choice to make.

You can't change your brother or cure his addiction. If our love could do that, not one of us would be here. You can't change your parents or their enabling behaviors. You can't force the mother of your brother's children to let you see them. That doesn't seem to leave much that you do have control over, does it? For me, that was a really difficult realization to come to and I fought it for all I was worth for a very long time.

There are a lot of tools to help you cope with your brother's addiction and that is something you do have control over. The tools that have been most helpful to me are reading as much as I could get my hands on about addiction, codependence, and recovery (by attending Alanon & Naranon meetings). I began to take the focus off of the addict in my life and start looking at myself. I changed the behaviors that are common for those of us who love someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. I learned what it means to detach with love.

None of us can predict the future for the addicts in our lives. And we can't put our lives on hold while we wait for that "outcome" whatever it may be. We (and the addicts in our lives) are better served if we give them the dignity to make their own decisions and their own mistakes and let go of the outcome.

I'm so sorry that you miss the brother you knew and grew up with. I do understand how it hurts your heart. It is possible to find joy and serenity whether the addict in our lives is using or not. It is up to us.

gentle hugs
ke

MrsOutOfOptions

Thank you to everyone who has posted a reply. I cant believe how much this site has already helped me in feeling better. Although I know it is going to be a long road Im starting to think Ill make it through. I can already see this becoming my new outlet each time I feel so alone.

MrsOutOfOptions

Update: I have partial custody of my niece and nephew. Their mom and I co-parent. My brother is still an addict as are my parents. I find myself in a very dark place and some days I dont think ill make it to tomorrow. I havent spoken to my brother in over a year but I see him almost daily which hurts me even more in the long run knowing he is right there laughing, talking, smiling and still not giving a damn that our relationship is nonexistant. Reading my old posts makes me sad that im still in this awful place mentally years later. Will it ever end?

Freedom1990

Bless your heart for giving us an update.

Are you still in any sort of therapy? I know that has helped me tremendously over the years (I have a 35-year-old addict daughter).

Even though we no longer have an Alanon group in the small town where I live, I do practice Alanon's principles daily.

Melody Beattie has a terrific book out called "Codependent No More" and it also helped me a lot.

How are the children doing? They are very blessed to have such a loving aunt.

Sending you hugs of support from sunny Kansas!

Hanna

Hi there. Just read your post and your update. Am glad you are here and though none of us knows what is in the future, I know for certain that being a part of the SR community can help us get through whatever happens.

I found out in 2008 about my older brother's addiction. We all went through hell but today he is clean. He also lost his kids and everything he had but today we have our relationship and it is even stronger than ever. He's rebuilding his life on more solid ground. So there is great hope and miracles can happen.

I hope you will keep reading and sharing. I feel a special kinship with the brothers and sisters out her on SR. I haven't been to very many meetings but always feel like I don't have the same right to my grief that a parent or spouse has and I haven't bumped in to other siblings in meetings. No one makes me feel that way but me, but it is good to read the experiences, strength and hope of other siblings.

Peace,
Hanna

sleepyskye

I'm happy to see in your update that you have the opportunity to see your niece and nephew. If your brother chooses, someday, he may overcome his addiction and you can start to get your relationship back. Whats important now is to keep his kids safe and happy and continue to NOT enable your brother.
Best of luck