pandypoo

My 21 year old AD was supposed to turn herself in almost 3 weeks ago. She has been in three state appointed drug rehabs for extended periods of time and each time has relapsed within one month. This time I am sure she will have to go to prison.

She is no longer staying with me and does not have a vehicle or money. I think she is staying out in the country with friends. I have heard she is drinking and smoking pot.....possible heavier drugs as well but don't know.

She has said she plans to turn herself in but on her terms. I am so afraid she is compounding the problem.

So.....I am actively and desperately working at detaching. I have been such a co dependent (aren't we all?) and truly see that very clearly. But, having said that.....do I try to find out where she could be so that the cops can pick her up? I don't want her to continue to be 'on the run' and can't imagine that friends would support her and her habits for a long time.

Suggestions?

whyme123

You may not like my suggestion, I am not a parent of an A so I hope I'm not crossing the line but I do have a close friend with an AS so I can sorta relate. With that said, she has already compounded the problem. She will be found eventually.

I know you probably believe that by finding out her location and having the cops pick her up she will be in prison and not use and you will know where she is. This is control. It's so hard to try to change our codependent ways.

With her away you can now make choices a) try to control her from afar or b) work on your healing and detaching.

Best of luck to you!

dollydo

She is an adult, if she is compounding the situation that is her choice. For every bad action, there is a bad reaction.

In order for her to have any chance of becoming a mature, responsible member of society, she will have to face the consequences of her immature, bad decisions.

You are attempting to control the situation, that is not your place and not in her best interest.

I know that you want to resolve her issues, but, you cannot. Continue to work on you.

Sending hugs your way...be strong....for her.

mayabee

I am a parent and I agree with whyme123. Trying to force someone to be clean by pushing them toward the legal system may seem like a good idea at the time but there is no telling how it will turn out, and forcing the issue is attempting to control the addict. One way or another I am sure the AD will be found.

It would be a different situation if she were living with you - then I think you would have to give her the choice of leaving or turning herself in. We actually were in that position with our son- he had not turned himself in and was living with us off and on - sometimes couch surfing with various friends, sometimes showing up at our house. When we found out that he had a warrant and was considered a fugitive, we gave him the ultimatum and he turned himself in - my husband took him to court.

He stayed clean in jail and in the halfway house but then relapsed when he got out. Motivation that comes from outside circumstances rather than from within the addict won't keep someone clean. Having said that, people do get clean in jail and stay clean because they attain clarity- but again, that comes from within the addict. I know how painful this is and how worried you must be about your daughter. I hope that there is a resolution soon.

EJG123

My AD is in prison and I am glad that I had nothing to do with it.

pandypoo

Thanks so much for the replies. I had pretty much come to this conclusion and unlike in the past I have not done anything to try and find out where she is. The first couple of days I texted her to contact her lawyer and she knows the police have been here looking for her but since that time I have spent time learning how to detach and let her be accountable for her.

And although it is painful to suddenly realize the extent I have been used, I can now move forward.

Whyme123 - I have no delusions about the fact that prison will not change her addicition. She has already been locked up 3 different times.....clean and in therapy during those times but each time she has gone right back to her old people, places, things. I now realize and recognize that she has never thought or said she does not want to use drugs or alcohol again. I'm not even sure if what she has done would be considered a relapse since relapse would imply she was making an effort to quit.

outtolunch

Her ego and immaturity are showing. Of course she is compounding the problem. Let her bear the consequences of her choices. It's the only way people learn and sadly, some never do.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

And I am sorry for what has brought you and all of us here.

Kindeyes

One of the questions I often ask myself as it involves my AS or anyone else for that matter is......

Does it have my name on it?

If the answer is no, I leave it alone.

That simple question often gives me the answer I need in order to keep myself focused on keeping my side of the street clean.

Personally, I would not have any clarity at all (and the "clarity" I sometimes think I have is questionable lol) if I was not working a program (Alanon and Naranon) with all my might. I have no doubt that my life depends on it.

gentle hugs
ke

BeingStill

I got the police involved when my son took the family car while in the throes of withdrawal. He was attempting to detox in my home but couldn't do it. He fled and took the car to make a drug run to stop the withdrawal pains. We immediately pressed charges and had him arrested. As Kindeyes said: Does it have my name on it? Well, a stolen family car did indeed have my name on it.

But prior to the stolen car, there were opportunities when I could have called the police with info or whereabouts or whatever in an attempt to have my son detained... and safe in jail. It was difficult for me, but I stayed out of it. I wanted his detainment to be a direct result of HIS actions, not MINE. I wanted the full weight of his choices to rest on his shoulders. I didn't want to share any of the blame, thereby lessening the impact of the consequences. I didn't want to give him anywhere to place blame other than himself.

pandypoo

Yesterday was such an emotional day for me. I was finally able to get a court order to allow me to have the Interlock taken off 'her' truck. Had to have it towed cuz she had tried to take it off herself. Got it removed and immediately sold it back to the place we had bought it ......a little over a month ago. It was her 'dream truck'. I must have been blind to think she was making the right changes. I wanted to sell it immediately so I didn't have time to think about saving it for her once she finally does her time. I'm glad its gone but have tremendous guilt feelings. But I'm workiing on them and know its the right thing to have done.

She sent me a text today telling me she loves me. I told her I loved her too and resisted the urge to ask what her plans are.

dollydo

To me, selling the truck was a good move. If she gets her act together, then she can buy herself a truck. It is not your responsibility to provide her with a ride, and, certainly not in her best interest to do so. Let her earn the money and pay for a vehicle herself.

For her well being, it is imperative that you let go and stop thinking about enabling her.

I know how difficult this is, and, I am sorry that you have to deal with this situation.