rza1234

Ok, long story short...my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, for 1of those we had been using, opiates. First a little, then a lot. At some point things were obviously out of control, so I moved home, and he moved home. The plan was that we both were going to detox, get our feet under us financially, and take turns staying at each other's places (as in see each other A LOT and NOT split up). Then he would move with me to a city nearby (where we have lived before and he could finish school) in Decemeber. In fact, splitting up was never an option. Not once. We never considered it. Since we fell in love we knew we would be together forever. That sounds cheesy, but we are great together. But we were no longer ourselves. And we wanted to be. So...the problem is...he ended up telling his family, and I supported his need to do that. Then he went to the hospital, then to rehab for 12 days (he was supposed to be there for 14, he left early). Up until the last three days of rehab he called me as much as he could, said he loved me and missed me, and I supported all the changes he was going through and let him know I was/am clean too. Then I don't hear from him. I tell the center I am coming to visit Saturday and they say don't...he left yesterday. So I call his house and he is there, and he sounds SO different.

He obviously upset everyone in his family by leaving early, but he says it was only because he did not have the energy to do it anymore. He is sober, and TERRIFIED of slipping. He has not even had a beer (GOOD!). He was upset, scared, confused, had not slept, or eaten, and was still pretty sick. He said he believed in the 12 steps now and was clinging to them because they were his only hope for not using again one day, and if he used again he would die. Also, 90% of addicts use again....which means he thinks he had a 10% chance of survival, so he was SCARED.

I asked him about us, where we were. I understand now he was not in a position to have these questions thrown at him. I wish I had not asked them. But I was upset and wanted to know if he loved me, missed me, wanted to try and be with me still. After all, its me and him, right?! Well he said he learned that he knew nothing for sure, nothing was definite and he had to take it one day at a time. But he did love me, and even though he was coming to grips with the fact that he had not been himself for the past 2 years, he would never believe everything we shared meant nothing. And he assured me as best he could that yes, when he was comfortable being sober, and being himself, and I was too, that he wanted to try and reconnect as our new selves, and start over. He was clear that he could not tell me if it would work, and I agreed, but he swore that he wanted to try. He said he loved me, and he absolutely wanted to try again after he had time, and I had time, to sort things out on our own ends.

So we agreed, and he said he would call me to say hello at least once a day (he lost his cell so I can't call him right now) and that he was leaving the next morning to go to pick up two friends (guys) that he met in rehab and were getting out tomorrow, and he was going to stay with them for a night and go to a football game with them Sat. He promised they were guys (when I asked) and promised he did not meet someone new in rehab (when I asked). I am terrified of losing him to some "rehab romance" situation. But nothing to fear, right? This is what we wanted. This is why I left! So we could get ourselves back on track, so we can get back together and be clean, and sober, and happy.

Problems? It has been 3 days and I have not heard from him. This man is my love. He never promised something and didn't. Except honestly he has NEVER been good with phones. They make him anxious. And whether or not he called never was indicative of how mush he missed/loved me.

So, he told me from the beginning I could not go with him because A) seeing me would make him want to devote time and energy to us/me and that terrified him because all his time and energy needed to go to concentrating on being clean...and B) he could not just do whatever he wanted and if I went he would have to tell his mom and then she would not let him go (his mom does not hate me, she just wants him to focus on himself...understandably). Ok, but if that was true why did he leave without asking her, only leaving a note, and not call her until 8pm the next day? He is upsetting people still. So his he lying? Or does he really need time? Can we survive this? What should I do/say when he does call? What do I need to do to help him remember our love/feelings for each other? Both his brother and his mom said he told them he was going to see friends (guys) so I do not think he is with a girl. But I am clean and I miss him and want to talk to him. Things were bad there at the end, for the last 4 months or so, but we still loved each other.

Ok, so does he really just need time, and if we both take the time we need is there a chance for us? Here is the thing...I KNOW THERE IS. I know that if we give it a real try we will be together. In fact I know seeing each other once we are sober will be all it takes. But to be so far separated when he is going through all these changes makes me feel like we are drifting. And why has he not called? Of course, I am a girl, so I am terrified he is with a girl he met sometime in the last 3 days he was there. But, really? He had the chance to end it. I even got upset at one point and said, "Fine, it's over." And he said all he needs is time without me saying that. To which I apologized, and said I was just anxious and I would be there. I was his. I will work on me and him on him and at some unspecified point in time we will try to work on us. I do not know if that is what we are doing or if something else is happening. I am working on me, and he said he is going to meetings there with his friends. But we agreed to talk once a day? If he just said that to make me happy and did not mean it, what else did he say and not mean in that conversation. And should I take anything from that conversation to heart...he was sick, scared, overwhelmed, and distant.

I know this was a lot of questions, and a lot of thoughts. Maybe just typing it helped me. I just would like to know if anyone has been here, and what happened. AND PLEASE NO STORIES OF REHAB ROMANCE. I have read enough and they terrify me. Just...do relationships survive this? I know most don't, but do some? And what can I do to help our chances? And why do you think he has not called? Is that really a time thing?

suki44883

There is no way for us to know if your situation will work out with the two of you ending up together. To be honest, it doesn't sound like he's interested in a relationship right now. If he truly is trying to stay clean, then he needs to devote all his energy to that fact. Having someone constantly needing reassurance that the relationship will stay intact is, frankly, the last thing he needs right now.

Continue to work on your own issues and let him work on his. If it's meant to be, it will be, but it isn't something you can force.

dollydo

Anything is possible.

What is the big rush, why not consider backing off for awhile and let the relationship seek its own level.

He is not in a good mental state to be emotionally involved with another.

And, you need to to continue with your recovery, that should be your priorty, and, his should be to work on his recovery.

To me, you sound to be very young, if so, you have your entire life ahead of you, do yourself a favor try to think with your head, not your heart.


My Best,

rza1234

Thank you, I appreciate your response. I know that no one can tell me if it is going to work out. Honestly I just think typing that helped a lot. Just to get all my doubts out. But you are right, and I realize I do not need to be asking him for anything right now. He is not in a position to give reassurance, or put any energy towards a relationship.

Maybe I was not clear on that...we did both agree to take time to work on ourselves. We are not "in a relationship" right now, we are on a break. I just did not expect him to run off to Virginia and not call for 3 days. We were going to stay in touch without applying pressure. I definitely messed up the first time we talked, I was scared and anxious. I wish I had not asked so much of him. When I get a chance to talk to him again it will be better, I am in a different place too.

I do have a lot of work to do too. And I know I am already focusing too much on what is going on with him. Really what I am asking is this...can someone who was an enabler become someone the addict can have a healthy relationship with if they get clean and work the program too? Can relationships survive this? Not mine, but do any?

laurie6781

Some do, some don't.

However, you are looking at the next 1 to 2 years to get to know yourself and figure your own addiction problem out, and he is too.

Work on you.

If this is suppose to be it will, if not it won't.

But I can GUARANTEE you one thing for sure.

If you DO NOT work on your own problems, your own addiction your own codependency, then there isn't a snowball's chance in he!!.

Stay in today. Work your own program. Figure out what works for you to not be 'triggered' FOR ANY REASON into picking up a drug or drink. Start a journal about YOU.
Do some writing daily in it. As time goes on go back and read your early writings.

It will be your own affirmation of how you are growing and changing.

J M H O based on 30+ years of continuous recovery from drugs and alcohol and 27+ years of recovery from my codependency issues.

Love and hugs,

rza1234

I guess you could say I am young, 25. And he is 23. I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to respond. Yes, I do need to work on myself. And believe me, I want him to work on himself.

My hope is that in time, however much time it takes, we can come back together and give our love/relationship another chance. And I can not tell you how much it helped to hear that - if it was meant to be, it will be. I know that, I just need to remember it. I do not want to force him, or me, or add any pressure to our already difficult situations. I suppose I am having such a hard time because I did not understand that "taking time" meant not talking at all. We have been very close since day one (long before any drinking/drugs), and it is just hard to not even hear his voice. I miss him. And I believe that it ok. I just need to try and process it in a healthy manner.

And honestly, the anxiety/depression I am experiencing over being distant from him is the SINGLE biggest, most powerful trigger I have ever experienced. It is very difficult to not seek comfort in using, although I have refrained so far. So is it safe to say that is the reason he is distancing himself from me? We both need to "un-become" enablers, right? I have nightmares every night, and when I wake up, it is horrible because he is not beside me.

I know that reltionships based on fear/co-dependance are doomed. But the fear I feel is the fear of losing him, not of being alone. Anyone who is in love with someone fears losing that person - to death, another person, lack of love, etc. I fear not being able to talk to him again and tell him I accept that we need time. I want the chance to NOT ask anything of him. I want him to know I am not giving up on us, but I understand to do that we need to focus on ourselves. You are not supposed to make any big changes in the first year, right? That includes ending a relationship, especially one where the other person is clean and walking the same path.

I have not been clean for long, so I am still working it all out. I do not know the feeling of "rediscovering" myself yet. I am seeing a therapist, but still need to go to a meeting. I am going to locate one for Monday.

Thank you all for reading, I appreciate any insight/advice...even if it is not what I may want to hear right now.

artist83

There is really no way to tell if your relationship will survive what both of you are going through, but in reality, no one ever knows if any relationship will last forever. That is the most difficult part about life itself - we never know what will happen. Sure, we can have hopes and dreams (actually we need to have hopes and dreams - it gives us something to look forward to), but no one can see into the future.

If you continue to wonder what will happen, you'll lose your mind. Worrying and wondering is just wasted energy, and trust me, it took me a long time to figure this out for myself. My Abf and I are going through a very difficult time right now, and I occasionally slip and start to panic about our future - Will he ever get the help he needs? Will he ever get clean? Will I ever have a family, children? Will I eventually leave because I can't handle his addiction anymore? I make myself sick over what WILL OR MAY HAPPEN, but then I eventually calm down and realize that I have to take this one day at a time.

Since I've been going to therapy on a weekly basis and attending Al-anon and open NA meetings, I have a new perspective on life - ALL WE HAVE IS TODAY - and it's absolutely true. There are no guarantees in life. Things will happen whether you want them to or not, and there is nothing that you can do or say that will stop these events from happening. But you can take control of your own life and live your life to the fullest, each day.

So my advice to you is to stop worrying and wondering and just focus on TODAY. Life is what it is, and accepting that will bring you peace and serenity. Take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Sending hugs and strength your way,

Freedom1990

This bear repeating.

I applied for a job recently, and then the fear and anxiety started to creep in while I was waiting to hear if I got the job or not.

I borrowed what my dear friend Anvil said. "If this is what the universe wants for you, it will be so!" I printed that out and put it above my monitor where I could see it every day.

Fear is absence of faith. I must have faith that things are as they should be at this given moment, because if the truth be told, that's all any of us really have...the moment right in front of us.

Have faith. Work like crazy on yourself. Get thee to a meeting. Get a sponsor and start working those steps.

I've been through more crap in recovery than I ever went through before, and I'm okay today. You will be okay too.

Sending you hugs of support!

rza1234

Thank you all so much. I want you to know I copied bits and pieces out of everyones responses and pasted them in a document that I have pulled up on my computer so I can read it over and over again, when in doubt.

I will focus on myself, and remember that if we are meant to be (and I fully believe we are) than it will be. Youa re right, my fear is a lack of faith...I have forgotten the faith that I have in his abilities and mine, and the faith I have in our love for one another.

I realize we were not ourselves for part of our relationship, maybe even a lot of it, but I do not doubt that we managed to forge, and continue to share, a deep connection. I have that. And I have this moment. I will take it one day at a time, because we know nothing for sure, but what we have today, right?

Freedom1990

Right! When I find myself projecting and worrying, I start looking at what I have that moment? Do I have a roof over my head? Do I have food in the house, running water, electricity? Are my dogs well tended and happy? Asking these things helps me to see that I am okay at that moment. I'm grateful for each and every one of those things.

It calms me down, brushes the worry aside.

Deep breaths as I do that work good too.

Am I making any sense?

artist83

Rza - I do the same thing, copy bits and pieces of what people on this site post. I have dedicated a journal to inspirational quotes and sayings and responses from others who have been through what I am going through now. I read it everyday and it helps me stay focused on my own recovery.

rza1234

Yes, you are making sense. I think it is a skill I recognize, but have not yet mastered. The ability to be grateful, and not worry about what I can not control. And the real problem is...is I still think that deep down I believe I can control it. I keep thinking that if only I could talk to him, or see him even just for 10 minutes, then I would be able to remind him (either consciously or subconsciously) how he feels about me, and that he still wants to try for us.

This is not what I should be worrying about, I realize that. I need to focus on myself, take active steps to get well, and progress through my recovery. I am just having such a hard time understanding how he can go from saying he missed me, loved me, wanted me to visit, etc...to not calling for 4 days?

It feels either like he met someone and is enveloped in that situation and just saying what I want to hear to not hurt me (that he still loved me and just needed time before we could try and be a couple again), or he is enveloped in himself and his recovery, and he can not miss or call me right now because he truly needs time to focus on himself.

I guess the point is that there is no way to know. Nothing is for sure but this moment. I need to work on me, and let life take it's course. There is nothing more to do, but take care of myself, right?

Thank you ALL again for everything you have contributed. I re-read my posts and am even embarrassed at times. I sound like a love-obsessed little girl, who is not grateful for what she has, and not focusing on herself like a mature, responsible person would be. But what can I say? All this is really hard. And I miss him like crazy.

nerdygirl

I wasn't and have never been an addict and/or alcoholic, but I am codependent. My husband is an addict and an alcoholic. He is in recovery (for almost 5 months). Not only is he working on recovering, but I am also working my own program to recover from codependency. I have to stop trying to control him, his action and his decisions. He is is own man. If he wants to come home, he will. If he wants to love me, he will. If he wants to use, he will. I have NO control over what he does. And, being an addict, I learned not to trust anything that comes out of his mouth. Addicts lie. The proof is in the actions. He comes home every day because he loves me and wants to be married to me. He stays clean because he chooses to do so. There's nothing I can say or do to keep him clean. It's all on him. Just like there's nothing you can say or do to make someone love and miss you. Either he does or he doesn't. And, it's in his ACTIONS. Not his words. No point in blowing up his phone up and calling around for him. If he wants to avoid you (for whatever reason) he will. If he wants to get in touch with you or hear your voice, he will. Also, you should watch this movie called "He's Just Not That Into You". It's hilarious, will take your mind off of the situation and will give you some insight into the male mind! So, just relax, work on you and control yourself and YOUR actions. That's all you can do. Good luck, sweetie.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......as you are finding out, there are many people here who are recovering addicts and recovering codependents. Some with a short time in recovery, some with many years. There is a wealth of collective wisdom from them all.

The best hope (IMHO) of having a relationship survive addiction and/or codependency is working a program like your life depends on it. If both parties are working their respective programs and addressing the behaviors associated with addiction and/or codependency (or both), then the answer to your questions is....sure....the relationship can work. With both parties concentrating on what they can control and letting go of what they can't and both being able to speak the language of recovery......there is hope for the relationship to continue.

If one is working a program and the other isn't, the chances get very slim.

If neither is working a program, it's relapse looking for a place to happen.

If we take all of that energy we expend worrying about whether or not they are doing what we wish they would do and put it all into working a program of recovery for ourselves....a few things may happen. We may find that our mind quiets down. We may find that we stop trying to control them. We may find that we don't have time to worry about them because we have so much work to do on ourselves. We may find that our life changes dramatically, We may find that our relationships with EVERYONE gets better.

How hard are you willing to work on you to make your relationship work?

gentle hugs
ke

rza1234

This was extremely helpful, thank you. I guess I just needed to hear someone with experience say that if both people (addicts) are working a program then the relationship has a chance.

I am willing to work extremely, EXTREMELY, hard on me...to make my relationship work, and to make my life work.

In the past few days I have done a lot of soul-searching, and I am diving in head first. I am scared, and I miss him. But everyone is right; I can not control him. I can not control anything but myself. I miss him, and I want him to get well, and give us another chance...but I can not do anything but work on myself, and be patient. I understand, but it is still very hard.

His actions are saying that he wants/needs space, and time. Which is also what he said. I am not calling him, or texting him. He is staying with 2 friends he made in his 12 days at the rehab facility, going to meetings, and focusing on him. I know he misses me, but I do not think he is even thinking about me right now. And that is ok. I am learning that that is ok, and that is what I need to be doing.

I have discovered something I didn't have before. Faith in what we shared. We took our love for granted, used it in the wrong ways, and ended up in a bad place, but that does not mean our love was not real, and good, before we made mistakes. And after we are were we need to be as individuals, after we have become comfortable sober, and worked the programs, I have faith we will one day rebuild our relationship. I know I can not control it, but I believe in our love. Wow, that sounds SO cheesy. Haha, but it is my hope. And with that I feel like I can let go, and focus on me.

Thank you all so much for your insight and advice. It has helped so much.

jksully

Sorry to hear of your troubles, I guess all relationships have a limit, I wont say let him get on with it and you concentrate on you, that to me is not realistic, you cannot be with someone you love then suddenly your expected to wait around.. he should give you your answers, I know I would expect the same at both sides.. Its like a wheel spinning then suddenly stops..

If your in a relationshop there is no ME or you or him it is WE..

Just my thoughts, hope you get what you need.

peace