Still here in "crazy town"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 75
Still here in "crazy town"
As per my other post, I'm trapped here with my now ex boyfriend (although he's still pretending that we're together and acting like nothing happened). My flight is Friday morning so I have to get through it. He goes between nice and mean. "I love you" to "You told on me to my family and you make me sick, you should apologize". Then it's "I hate my life". He's admitted now that he is broke and going into debt. I didn't know that. I would have left Monday after I found out he was injecting speed. But as I do not have anywhere to go, here I am. He stays downstairs, I stay upstairs. We are being civil. I'm on a mental roller coaster.
I do love him. I wish he never did it. I wake up and for that second before I remember what happened, it's okay. Then I remember and I'm sick to my stomach. I read all those posts on codependents. It really does fit me. I dealt with his alcoholism and tried to pretend it was getting better. Really I shouldn't have been surprised to catch him injecting speed.
He said he'd never do it again and he didn't even have the dealer's number. I looked in his phone and "shock" there it was. Liar. I feel like I'm in the CIA. I can't stop thinking of going through the house, the car, the drawers, the phone, the computer. Why bother? There's no point.
He said his friend was going out last night to see a band and he invited me and I said no. I am always the driver. He slams 20-30 beers in a night and I drive home. Enough. Then he said that if I didn't go, he'd meet some other girl at the bar. I said great, have a good time with her. Maybe she can drive you around.
I think I'm okay. I think so. But it's hard to tell. I'm still here so I am not yet in the grief of losing the relationship. But I'm also not forgiven him like I have for some of the things he did when he was drunk. I'm in this awkward limbo. When I get on that flight though, I think that will be the best. I need to go home and fix myself and examine how I could have put up with a drunk so long that it got to this point that I would find him injecting.
He promised he will never do it again. Just like he promised he would never drink in the car. Just like he promised to cut back on beers. Just like he told me that he didn't even have his dealer's phone number in his phone. Just like he told me he wasn't on drugs. Then told me he only took the speed orally. Told me the Pfizer injecting solution was something for work. And the syringe wrapper? What was that for? Pfizer make welding gear now??
I do love him. I wish he never did it. I wake up and for that second before I remember what happened, it's okay. Then I remember and I'm sick to my stomach. I read all those posts on codependents. It really does fit me. I dealt with his alcoholism and tried to pretend it was getting better. Really I shouldn't have been surprised to catch him injecting speed.
He said he'd never do it again and he didn't even have the dealer's number. I looked in his phone and "shock" there it was. Liar. I feel like I'm in the CIA. I can't stop thinking of going through the house, the car, the drawers, the phone, the computer. Why bother? There's no point.
He said his friend was going out last night to see a band and he invited me and I said no. I am always the driver. He slams 20-30 beers in a night and I drive home. Enough. Then he said that if I didn't go, he'd meet some other girl at the bar. I said great, have a good time with her. Maybe she can drive you around.
I think I'm okay. I think so. But it's hard to tell. I'm still here so I am not yet in the grief of losing the relationship. But I'm also not forgiven him like I have for some of the things he did when he was drunk. I'm in this awkward limbo. When I get on that flight though, I think that will be the best. I need to go home and fix myself and examine how I could have put up with a drunk so long that it got to this point that I would find him injecting.
He promised he will never do it again. Just like he promised he would never drink in the car. Just like he promised to cut back on beers. Just like he told me that he didn't even have his dealer's phone number in his phone. Just like he told me he wasn't on drugs. Then told me he only took the speed orally. Told me the Pfizer injecting solution was something for work. And the syringe wrapper? What was that for? Pfizer make welding gear now??
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 17
"I wake up and for that second before I remember what happened, it's okay."
I think many people on here can relate to that statement. I know I certainly can. Here it is, nearly 5am, and I am awake, I woke up at 3:15am. For a second I had forgotten that today (well, yesterday, really), when I asked him about some obsessive calling to someone trying to get weed he yelled at me and walked off and I haven't heard from him since. And now that I'm awake I'm remembering it all, and my skin is crawling again. It's too many emotions to fully process anything, and I get a little shaky when I start to think about it.
Eventually though, with time, those seconds after waking will become minutes, then hours, then days, and so on, until things are okay again.
I think many people on here can relate to that statement. I know I certainly can. Here it is, nearly 5am, and I am awake, I woke up at 3:15am. For a second I had forgotten that today (well, yesterday, really), when I asked him about some obsessive calling to someone trying to get weed he yelled at me and walked off and I haven't heard from him since. And now that I'm awake I'm remembering it all, and my skin is crawling again. It's too many emotions to fully process anything, and I get a little shaky when I start to think about it.
Eventually though, with time, those seconds after waking will become minutes, then hours, then days, and so on, until things are okay again.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You'll be ok, he is not the right guy for you. You deserve so much better.
Even if he wasn't a hard core drug addict, he still would be an alcoholic.
Hop on that plane and leave him in your dust.
Even if he wasn't a hard core drug addict, he still would be an alcoholic.
Hop on that plane and leave him in your dust.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Serenity prayer...recite it until you can move your mind on to something else...to get you through the days until Friday.
You can't necessarily see it now, but you are one of the lucky ones. You can get on a plane, get the heck out of there, and go home and mourn, grieve, then recover and move on with your life. Think about all that is ahead of you. No more rollercoaster, no more obsessing and detective work, no more trying to rationalize it all. Yes, it will hurt, you will have to move through the pain. But you will be able to do it in a clean and calm environment. And my bet will be that you get through it a lot quicker than those of us who can't just fully get away.
He is a drug addict and an alcoholic and it's made him a liar. There is no easy fix to any of it. He has to decide that he wants a different life, and until that happens there is nothing else that can be done. And, when he decides (if ever) that he wants a different life, it will be a long, hard haul to freedom for him.
You can do this! You sound very smart and capable and have SO MUCH MORE ahead for you. When you get home, your main focus will be to recover from this madness and make for certain you don't end up in a similar spot again.
****{HUGS}}}
You can't necessarily see it now, but you are one of the lucky ones. You can get on a plane, get the heck out of there, and go home and mourn, grieve, then recover and move on with your life. Think about all that is ahead of you. No more rollercoaster, no more obsessing and detective work, no more trying to rationalize it all. Yes, it will hurt, you will have to move through the pain. But you will be able to do it in a clean and calm environment. And my bet will be that you get through it a lot quicker than those of us who can't just fully get away.
He is a drug addict and an alcoholic and it's made him a liar. There is no easy fix to any of it. He has to decide that he wants a different life, and until that happens there is nothing else that can be done. And, when he decides (if ever) that he wants a different life, it will be a long, hard haul to freedom for him.
You can do this! You sound very smart and capable and have SO MUCH MORE ahead for you. When you get home, your main focus will be to recover from this madness and make for certain you don't end up in a similar spot again.
****{HUGS}}}
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Addicts lie. He's an addict. He lies. You are right not to trust him. Hang in there until your flight, then get the h*ll out of there. You will be fine once you are back home and have time to let your mind settle. It's amazing how just a few days away from the madness will allow you to see things clearly.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
You're really a lot further along than most codependents. At least you're leaving the first time rather than giving him chance after chance after chance. It really is for the best and once you have some distance, you'll feel so much stronger. Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 75
Today is Monday afternoon here. Flight is early Friday. He is being civil to me, sometimes even very sweet. I can see that person I love there. Then there's the anger and the put-downs mixed in. I just don't listen. You guys told me not to engage in that, not to argue back. It helps. I just stop talking or walk out of the room, get online. Then he stops. If I argue, then it just escalates into him raising his voice more. At least he is not a physically violent person. He's been pestering me for sex daily. I said no way in hell. Every time I look at his face, I see dirty needles and his sweaty masturbation over the laptop. As if anyone would ever have sex with that again. Then he gets enraged and yells at me for "denying" him and punishing him and tells me that I'm lousy in bed anyway, etc, etc. I really need to get away. I do not want to have sex and I do not want to be treated badly for not putting out. He says he's suicidal. He hasn't been back to work. It's exactly one week since he came home and took the drugs. I can't imagine what his boss thinks by now. His family wants to do an intervention but they will do everything after I leave. They know I'm the one who suffers the most when he is angry.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
He's trying to make you feel guilty - your refusal to have sex and his comments about suicide - all manipulations on his part to try to keep you his hostage. That's exactly what he's trying to make you - a hostage to HIS addiction! Don't listen and definitely do not feel guilty for saving yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 75
He's being so sweet now, it's actually WORSE than him being horrible. He said he was a jerk because he was "coming down" all week. Yesterday he bought "us" a puppy (he knows I love dogs). He finally went back to work today, after missing over a week of it since shooting up. I feel sick and sad. I love him and I wish he was this sober person all the time. And even though I have had the support of the family - I feel like he doesn't have any consequences from them. His younger brother called and seemed to agree it was "mortifying" that his girlfriend would tell his mother about him shooting up. Well, it's not like he spilled coffee and I could cover it up. It just made me feel like they are going to go on and forget about it. I think that's what people have done his whole life. When he's been down and out, he's been able to live at his mom's. Even with the dog - he said that he can give it to his mom or his older brother if he can't take care of it. I'm not talking about a teenager here - he is 34 years old. I feel sad, I feel lonely. And I know I'm going to miss him a lot. I wish this hadn't happened. I wish he'd never done it. And him still saying it's not a problem - it only happens every couple years - is that supposed to be okay? Even if it was speed - he still drinks daily. He says he doesn't get drunk so it's okay. I'm thinking it's a concern if 12 beers a night don't have any effect on you... I'm beginning to think I'm the one who is over-reacting. I feel like I'm crazy. Why is it everyone believes that this is the last time he will do speed? I don't believe it. He said that he's going to try another go at the clean and sober life. Then he went and got a beer from the fridge and rolled a cigarette. I am feeling pretty depressed. I'm having to leave my best friend. I'm suffering and I can't do anything about it. His mom did call rehab centers though, and she said they all said they can't help until he admits that he needs help. This sucks. I have to cut all ties when I leave. But wow, it really, really hurts. It's like breaking up with someone who still loves you and says they love you and need you. And this is a person I love deeply too. So it's like this horrible thing I have to do to myself and to him. I am so sad.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
I'm not sure if this will help, but whenever you feel yourself wavering, think about him hunkered over his laptop. Think about finding the "tools of his injecting trade". How did that make you feel? If you stay, you will be subjected to more of the above and WORSE. Yes, it will get a whole lot worse. It's difficult in your situation because you have to stay there until your flight, but this is why everyone here recommends no contact.
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