Searing

Ok my brain is racing trying to think what information is helpful without revealing too much. So here we go, I will try not to write a book.

My wife during her pregnancy last year was prescribed ambien, which she took at a normal dose until her doctor told her she didn't need anymore(about May). I work nights and also have used ambien for about 5 years and it works good, I take it most of the time. I don't believe I am addicted, I don't crave it if I don't take it, I just don't sleep if I don't take it. Either way thats not the issue.

My ambien started disappearing after my wifes prescription was stopped. She convinced me that I was take too many. I started locking up my pills....in June I figured out what was going on. We had a fight, she said it wouldn't happen anymore. The reason why is her doctor had given her her own. That led to more lies....more and more lies....I don't know what to do. I started keeping count and she was taking around 3-8 ambien 10mg each night. I even found she was trading my ambiens for other pills of the same size. Then I found out she was doing it on nights when I was at work, with our kids here. I finally blew up told her that if thats the life she wants then she will do it without me or the kids. She agreed to quit, it was hard a first she managed to find them a few nights, where I hid them. She broke into a lock box I hid them in. But finally we were moving forward. She went 3 weeks with none. Then I noticed the other night that I thought my ambien was low...so I started counting, and found they were right....but they had been switch with claritan. Yesterday she got ahold of one....but I don't know how as I have my accounted for, she also drank 80% of a 1/5 of liquor. Then today I got my prescription, I hid it away in a great spot, you can tell she torn the room apart to find it. She took 6 of them tonight and scared several of our neighbors.

She did mention that she has been drinking, she claims when she takes them that she doesn't remember most of what she does, but that she eats, drinks and cleans the house. Luckily the kids are clueless because in the morning they don't know whats happened. I am worried if there was an emergency, I am worried about the kids, she was an amazing mom before this....now she is less attentive. It scares the hell out of me. If you suggest counseling our insurance is almost zero, we can't afford time off work or the bills.

Really I need to know what I need to do. Do I kick her out, do I let her stay? I love her so much, and this tears my heart out of my chest. But I know my #1 is my kids..........I am sure I have left out tons, but I need to sleep, please just tell me all is not lost.

xwaitingx

all is not lost, though the things you expected, and had planned on may be different.
i am new on here so cannot offer as many resources but wanted to offer some support.
i would say boundaries and detachment are key at this point. decide, for sure, what you will and will not tolerate. separate your feels toward her (good and bad) and focus on what is best for you and your children.
you may find it helpful to read through the posts concerning codependency.
with something like this things will change. try to think of it as change, not loss.
stay strong and keep coming back. i have found this forum to be very helpful.

dollydo

Welcome,

Put those children first, they are your priorty. What would you do if the woman you described is your babysitter? Would you leave your children with a stoned & drunk babysitter?

I would suggest that you encourage her to go into rehab, she can call around and find out what is available in your area. The Salvation Army also has a program, that is usually free. This is her problem to resolve not yours, you cannot force her into recovery.

Also, you should consider going to meetings yourself, Alanon or Naranon. Attending meetings will open your eyes to this disease called addiction.

Keep posting, keep reading around these forums. We are here for you.

hello-kitty

Wow. Welcome. So your wife is taking huge quantities of Ambien. I hope she isn't taking care of young children while she's zonked out. That would be my first concern and priority. Non-using parents really need to go to extremes to make sure children are safe, including taking them out of a drug users care.

Addiction is a family disease. We often become as sick as the addict when we try to deal with their addiction. We may enable their disease and make things worse by trying to help them "get better". In the end, they will only "get better" when using drugs/alcohol hurts worse than not using drugs or alcohol. That's called hitting bottom. And some addicts have a very low bottom. Unfortunately, some addicts never hit bottom. We have no control over that and it's a difficult concept to accept.

It gets to a point where we have to put ourselves and our children first. We have to set and enforce personal boundaries for the kind of behavior we are willing to accept in our lives. There must be consequences for violating those boundaries. Boundaries are not meant to control others. They are for you.

An example would be:

I will not allow someone on drugs to take care of my children, therefore, I will find appropriate childcare during the day while I'm at work.

I will not accept lies and false truths in my life. Therefore, if I suspect someone is lying to me, I will no longer listen to or trust their stories.

I will listen to my gut and do what I think is right, not what someone who I cannot trust tells me is right.

Things like that.

My boundaries are much firmer than that.

I will not knowingly allow active drug addicts in my home. Therefore, if I suspect someone is on drugs, I will ask them to leave immediately. If they do not leave I will call the police.

I will not allow someone to disrespect me. If it happens, I will take steps to ensure that it does not happen again which may mean that I am no longer a part of their life.

The thing is you HAVE to be willing to follow through on the consequences for violating the boundaries. Otherwise your boundaries are meaningless and exasperate the problem.

PS. Maybe it's time for you to consider taking melatonin instead of ambien. That's what I do. It works well and your wife could no longer steal pills from you. It would be interesting to see where she gets them from then.

outtolunch

This really puts the situation into perspective.

newnormal4me

Maybe it's time for you to consider taking melatonin instead of ambien
I was thinking the same exact thing!

So sorry that you are dealing with all of this...all of us here have experienced our own version of it. It is not easy to detach and escape the chaos of an addicted person. But it is possible and worth it. I would suggest reading lots here and getting a hold of some of the literature suggested. Of course meetings are good as well... Take care of yourself and those children.

Searing

32 months later. I didn't listen....I was certain I could fix it all. Things are 1000 times worse. Due to her actions we have had the school make us their pet project, we went from being foster parents to being investigated(nothing was found). We have lost everything...house...savings. At some point she stopped working, and I tried to make up the difference. We still lost. Alcohol isn't involved, but ambien and pain pills are. I even got a safe to lock them up in. Family has made sure my kids and us aren't homeless. I am not guilt free, I know I have enabled at times, I have allowed the lies. I have accepted each time she goes for "help" that this time it will be different. I have lost friends and relationships with family of this. The strain of this on me is almost more than I can take at most points. I know I am not alone but I feel that way.

Things seem on the surface better for a while...then the worst happens again. Things have been better for the last two months. Then a day ago she lied that she got pain pills, then lied about the amount. We have a roommate, who's pain pills were swapped out with tylenol, standard MO for my wife. My wife was watching the kids, had no pain pills. I was sleeping(I work nights), at 7pm I come out and find the kids playing and she has already taken her ambien for the night and is out of her mind.

We lost the van that we saved to pay cash for, because she ran it into a sign after she took ambien and pain pills. Most pharmacies and ER's won't even see her anymore. Three weeks ago she took it and for whatever reason went upstairs on the way down she fell, shattering her wrist....thus needing more pain pills.

I have pulled away, I love her, but I can't keep this up. The last string is those kids, I can't imagine a day somewhere down the road where she gets cleaned up and has partial custody....how can I live a day or half a week without seeing my kids.

The reason for this post. Last night when she took that ambien, I told the kids to go upstairs and get ready for bed, mainly because I wanted to tell her how mad I was. My oldest turned around and said "dad don't make her mad again I don't want her to hurt you"(she was referencing about a year ago, we had a disagreement because she was out of pills and wouldn't get up and watch the kids so I could go to work, my wife thread a ceramic ornament at my head and I still have that scar)

Alright I will turn this over to you, I doubt there is anything that needs to be said that I haven't already said. Maybe someone else is where I was all those years ago, and will be smarter than I was.

chicory

I am sorry that things are even worse.

My thoughts- the children are learning how to cope with life here. They are obviously living in fear of their mom, too. This is the biggest shame, in my opinion.

It does not sound like she is going to find recovery anytime soon, and if you have documented everything, she would probably not get custody, if you made that your priority in a divorce.

Please, do something for the children, and get them out of that atmosphere. they only have one childhood. They are probably watching every movement , every expression, and listening for the shoe to drop, and that is a sad way to spend a childhood. They live what they learn.

If you don't do something, nothing will change. Can you get some counsel from a lawyer?

I am glad you want to be with your children, and I understand your fear, but their future happiness is going to be affected by living with an addict. And they could get hurt, if she uses and drives with them, or sets the house on fire, cooking while drugged up.

this is hard, but you need to protect the kids.. no matter if you love her or not.

Ann

I agree with Chicory. It is terribly sad, this situation, addiction usually is sad, and we all feel the pain in your heart.

But the pain you feel is felt 10 times more by your children, because they are not in a position to do anything about this and they too are in danger when your wife gets on her pills.

The only safe place for your children is away from her. That's a hard thought to process but it's the stark truth here. They live in a house of active addiction and abuse. Thank goodness the little one never found pills laying around and thought they were candy...that's another scenario that plays out far too often in situations like this.

Leaving with the children would mean changing your life, your working hours perhaps and where you lived. They would need some kind of good care while you are at work. But it can be done, mothers and fathers here have had to do it to ensure the safety of their children.

There is nothing you can do to change your wife, or even save her, sadly. But you can save your children and yourself from a life filled with danger and drug addiction.

My prayers go out for all of you, this must be terribly sad and scary.

Hugs

Readreadread

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Two years ago I filed an OP against my addicted stbxh, by the end of this month I should have sole custody and he has supervised visitation. It has not been an easy road, however my beautiful innocent daughter has been safe. I moved out of our marital residence with her 18 months ago. I lost a lot financially, but have grown tremendously emotionally. The thing I should have done differently is call the police when he first brought drugs into the home of a child. That was my mistake. Now I know better:

hopeful4

So so sorry for all you and your innocent children are enduring.

I just want to mention, about a month ago on the morning national news there was a piece about how men and women metabolize drugs at a different rate. The example was ambien. It was found to be much more potent for women than men.

Please please protect yourself and your dear children. Document every single thing, every day, time, who, what, when, where. Take photos. If she fights you in court you may need those things, although it does not sound like she is in much condition to take care of anyone, including herself.

So So Sorry.

Searing

So 35 months after my first post and I am still in the same boat. I know I have to move one without her, but I am terrified. My kids are much more attached to mom and than dad. Being a full time adult working nights and raising four kids....its so overwhelming.

In the time since my last posts she has found Ativan(all doctors/ER's have cut her off of pain meds). She has had 5 car wrecks, 2 of them were total losses and in one she hurt someone else. After doing what we could we fixed one car at a cost of $6,000, and in the end we came out about $2,000 behind and one less car because of it. We haven't even started to deal with the 3 reckless tickets she has.

I hate myself for staying, but I am just so terrified I can't pull off raising these kids alone.

doggonecarl

Read through your posts again, Searing. How can raising your kids alone be harder than dealing with a drug addicted wife? If she hurts one of your kids in one of her drug addled sprees, you are going to feel a lot more regret than you can imagine.

Dig deep within for the courage you need. And carry yourself to an Nar-anon meeting. Today.

hopeful4

You can do it. Do you attend any support groups for yourself? I know at Celebrate Recovery there is a man who is parenting a set of 5 yr old triplets and a 6 yr old son also. We moms have adopted him and the kids LOL. Seriously, it's a learning curve but it will be a good one. You can do it, and you must for their safety. Eventually she is going to kill someone in the car, and it may well be one of your children.

You can do anything you set your heart to do. Educate yourself on parenting. Be honest. Ask for help!

God Bless!

ardy

Searing, can she be commited to get her off the stuff... do you have health insurance for coverage.. go to your Doctor on your own and voice your concerns for family of children. and seek out a Pastor or Priest.. maybe they would have an idea or 2.. remember you can not change her.. she has to change herself.. for the better of the being she once was.. and watch for these problems in her health...Stop using Ambien and call your doctor at once if you have:

•chest pain, fast or irregular heartbeat, feeling short of breath;

•trouble breathing or swallowing; or

•feeling like you might pass out.

Common Ambien side effects may include:

•daytime drowsiness, dizziness, weakness, feeling "drugged" or light-headed;

•tired feeling, loss of coordination;

•stuffy nose, dry mouth, nose or throat irritation;

•nausea, constipation, diarrhea, upset stomach; or

•headache, muscle pain.

This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088.

Searing

Here I am for my annual check in. So things are somewhat better, I say somewhat because she has run out of places that will give her pain meds. She has finally been able to get into some mental health, she has a psychiatrist(seen for 3 months @ once per month), a councilor(seen 3 times so far will see every other week), and a drug addiction councilor(1st visit in two weeks).

I still firmly believe she hasn't agreed to quit, if pills fell into her lap the abuse of them would be immediate. I have a safe she can't get into anymore so my ambien are locked up there. The only other drug she is interested in is her psychiatrist prescribed Klonopin.....and its been a fight over that, its her new drug of choice.

A side note, she came home from the first counseling session and told me that her councilor said that clearly "I am not playing fair, by withholding sex" and that I needed to come in with her so I could be told that I can't do that. I feel like her councilor should shut up, I feel like her councilor doesn't know how my wife has lied to my face over and over, doesn't know that my wife has stolen money from our account, doesn't know that she has endangered my children. I love who my wife was before this, I don't understand the woman I am with now, but I HOPE......that with support she can find a way through and that we can find what we once had. Its hard to be intimate with someone you can't trust. I know I am a guy and by nature I am evil and only sex driven, but its just the case. I have never cheated during this time, nor would I, its just not in my character. I can't believe her councilor told her that........

I have on the other side prepared for the end, I have spoken to a lawyer, found funding to cover the costs, in case I have to go with removing her from the house. I have told her there is a ticking clock, I know long over due but its just damn hard.

ladyscribbler

Wow, you have been through the ringer. Really glad you're taking steps to protect your children. It sounds like you have all been held hostage by your wife's addiction.
Don't worry too much about what the counselor supposedly said. For one thing, he only has your wife's side of the story. Addicts lie and shift blame away from themselves, so if this guy doesn't have experience working with addicts, he's going to be easy for her to manipulate. For another, you're taking HER word for it about what the counselor said. Who knows what he actually said. She might just be trying to lessen her guilt by trying to make you take some of the blame for her behavior.
Can you get to a Naranon or Alanon meeting in the meantime? Getting support for yourself is very important.

atalose

The psychiatrist will be the one she holds onto because they are giving her another controlled substance. And the other two will fall by the wayside. Are all of these mental health people aware of each other? I can’t see an addiction counselor agreeing with the Klonipin from the psychiatrist.

My ex played this exact same game, went from pain meds to benzos using the mental health care system for drugs.

They’ve won the addiction lottery!! and found themselves a legal pill distributor. What better news for an addict then a doctor saying you need pills – take them as needed. Soon she will need yet another psychiatrist and a different pharmacy when the current klonipin doesn’t do the trick anymore.

I know you’ve been dealing with her addiction for years and years living on “hope” putting off the inevitable but is really the only reason you posted again because she’s manipulating you with some story about what a counselor supposedly said? '

I would think at this point in time with her history you’d know better than to believe an “active” addict.

What have you been doing for you? Are you talking with a couselor? going to any nar-anon or al-anon meetings?

hopeful4

You have to get away from this woman. I am sorry, but read all of your posts. She is a Rx drug addict. It's not going to change b/c she continues w/more drugs.

I am so sorry.

ardy

just prayers deep thought out prayers of Hope Faith and Honor for you family and so many.. from the bottom of my heart ardy