iAmNotAnIsland

Hey, I'm Rachel. I have 4yrs clean off meth, coke, heroin. I have almost a month clean off prescription pills. Long story short, I met a guy, "Sam", towards the end of June. He was kicked outta his mom's for relapsing on pills, his drug of choice. She sent him to the worst place in the city for recovering addicts. Rented a room & was doing AMAZING. Til the streets got to him around mid July. His neighbors were dealers. He relapsed on pills & dabbled in heroin. I SHOULDA LEFT but he (before relapsing) was a girl's dream: everyghing he said was geniune. I hoped he'd get a job & stop. The dealers moved, his mom had major surgery, he got 3 fines & faced jail time. At this point, aug 2, i thought he got his act together cuz he was moving & got a job. He told me he met new dealers who iniated him by havin him either snort a rail of coke or heroin. He chose coke. He loved it, he said. Aug 6 we had made plans. I came over after waiting for his call @2 by 5! He wasnt him & left me stranded in the rain to go to his friend's 21st bday party. He said he'd call the nxt day & talk about it. I know he was coked out. He went from Prince Charming to a monster. I haven't heard from him since & I'M A MESS. So depressed. Can't function. Idk, i hate the silence & miss the real him. My other addiction was men, so i could use & have a relationship. just another addiction. so this is new, why leave me like this after everything he said? but that was the real him...i just want the real "Sam" back its killing me.
~sorry for the rant

hello-kitty

Hi Rachel! Welcome. I was hooked on CRACK and a MAN many years ago. Got clean from them both and I'm a completely different and happier, more satisfied person now than I ever used to be! I found a peace inside me that I didn't know existed.

So, great job kicking the meth, coke and heroin. Hard work. That's something to be proud of. And prescription pills too? Good job getting off those. But now you are hooked on an unavailable (because of drugs) man. It's very common to jump from one "drug of choice" to another.

Your name says it all sweetie. You are not an island. This should be all about you and not about him. You can't control his BAD choices. What makes you think you can make him quit and be the person you THINK he should be?

A program of recovery and the support of other recovering addicts can help you. And, I'm just telling it like it is sister, but if he's not clean, then he's NOT supporting your recovery and he's NOT someone that you should be around. So take it one day at a time. Don't worry about his choices. Just focus on your own choices and getting stronger one day at a time. You are in charge of your life.

Do you have the support of other recovering addicts? That can be a lifesaver in situations like these. It helps so much to talk to people who have been through what you are going through. And trust me. We have been there. I found lots of supportive people in AA and NA.

steve1840

hi rachel-

i am not sure how long or how deep you were in using, but would you say that you were the real you then?

from the end of june to mid-july is not a long time. then to say that he mey new dealers who initiated him by having him do a line...well i never heard of that, but the thing is he willingly did it.

now, being clean for so long, you might really be better off not having him in your life.

why would he leave you like this after everything he said? because they were only words he said. i could go into my whole story of the past year with an addict gf, but i will sum it up like this...she SAID a LOT. she said EVERYTHING and everything sounded great. but htey were words, just empty words. this girl could look me in the eyes and say things that sounded perfect, then turn around and do the exact opposite without batting an eye about what she had just told me.

when she would disappear for a while or go off living somewhere else i missed the hell out of her. people here said i was addicted to her. What? now i realize i did not miss HER i missed SOMEBODY. and i was addicted to her. i thought i had quit my partying on my own, but i only switched to her. this may be the real him. in any event, being clean, do you really want ot be around him. i agree w hello-kitty. it may be very very painful, but you will recover from that pain and feel so much better not having an active addict in your life.

i hope the best for you.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR Rachel.....I'm glad you found us. Everyone here understands what it's like to love an addict. Sometimes the addict in our lives in our son or daughter, mother or father, or significant other or spouse.

I think almost everyone would agree whether they are an addict in recovery or a codependent in recovery, that the most important thing to each of us should be our own recovery. I am a codependent in recovery. My son is the addict in my life. I suffered greatly for many years knowing that my son is using drugs that could potentially kill him. I had to learn that he has a disease and I can't make it better. He has to choose sobriety for himself......I can't love him enough to make him stop. I had to save myself or his addiction could take us both under.

So I concentrate on my own recovery and pray daily that he finds sobriety. For me, I need to remember that my recovery is the most important thing to me.....even more important for me than my son's sobriety. Because if I am struggling with my own recovery, I jeopardize his and vice versa.

Please don't let your boyfriend jeopardize your recovery. You deserve to have a partner who is fully present with you. You can't cure or control his addiction--that responsibility belongs to him.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I understand how deeply that pain goes. You and your boyfriend will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Freedom1990

Hey Rachel, you might want to read a thread I posted earlier today:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thursday.html

He's not worth relapsing over. Hold onto your recovery tight.