caughthiminject

He came back. I have the situation that I tried to change the flights but at this late date, the flights I need are full. I tried to look at buying new tickets but they are unaffordable. My flight date is one week from tomorrow so it's not long now. I am staying in his mother and grandmother's house, looking after grandma until his mom comes home on Saturday. She and all his brothers have been extremely supportive, and they say they have been though this with him before. They have known me for two years and I have spent a lot of time with them. They thought I had changed him and been a good influence. So anyway, the short of it is that I told his mom I can't get the flight changed and she said not to worry and that she will be back here and is happy to have me stay for the week.

Now the problem that I have is I feel horrible. He came back here with sad puppy face from the wonderful hotel he rented (and spent money he didn't have) while he was high. I wouldn't take his calls so he just came back and offered to buy me dinner and rent some movies (I'm trapped here as he took the vehicle). Since I've been starving and crying and not sleeping - I said okay. We got the food and movies, and I said that he could stay to watch a movie instead of going back to the hotel.

He was okay for about 5 minutes. Then he started ranting at me. He demanded an apology from me for telling his family. He said he can't trust me. He said if I hadn't been so nosy (finding his injection stuff after he'd been walking around the house all night) that there wouldn't have been a problem. That I have ruined his life (by telling his family). That he PROBABLY won't do drugs again. That he is NOT an addict (but drinks around 6-12 beers a night every single night before this). He told me to f*ck off (something he has never said to me before ever). Then mixed in with these rants were things about how angry he is that I just want to be friends. He's mad I want to go home. He still loves me. He's glad he didn't propose because it's so easy for me to leave him (like I'm the bad one here for wanting to break up).

I am hurting so much. I am going through the loss of the relationship. KNOWING that I will never sleep with an IV drug user. The anger I feel, the resentment, the pain, the lonliness. The knowing I have to pull myself together for a 2-day flight next Friday and go tell my family what happened.

I feel like How Dare He say all these things to make me hurt more? In the least, he should be kind and friends, and make this one week not so painful. I don't have hatred towards him. I know he's sick. I coped with his alcoholism because I fly back and forth between countries and he doesn't affect the other part of my life. His family has coped with his alcoholism his whole life. They just didn't know about the drugs until now.

I just want him to be nice. But if I say that we are over and I want to be friends, then he starts with the mean rants. He wants me to "get over it" and "move on". He says he doesn't even have the dealer's number and won't talk to him again. I went through is phone and that guy's all over it in the records.

I don't know if he was still high yesterday. I know he got very sick last night with headache and stomach ache. And he went to sleep early and is still passed out.

I just hate that he's turning everything around. He thinks I'm abnormal because I never tried drugs. He called me boring and uptight, and said I'm just like his mother. It just went on and on.

Is this what they do? Or am I seriously this crazy? I kept the needle packaging and injection fluid to show to his mother. I have pulled it out to look at it a few times because I just can't believe this has happened. But it's good because I can't forget. I can't forget that he was doing that on a Monday night while I was cooking his favorite dinner upstairs. I can't forget coming up to see what he was doing at 4am and finding him hunched over the laptop masturbating and then being angry at me for see it (which normally I wouldn't care but it was like a drug-fuelled crazy masturbation you'd see in some mental hospital movie).

suki44883

Quit trying to make sense out of nonsense. Stay as far away from him as possible and don't engage. It doesn't matter what he says or thinks or how he turns things around. If you are done, then be done.

hello-kitty

I'm so glad you came back to let us know what's going on. We are here for you. You have a choice about whether you allow yourself to be sucked back in to the BS or move forward with your life. You seem like an incredible young woman with an amazing future. I am sorry you are in so much pain right now, it is temporary. And in one week, you be in a better place and you'll be able to put your life back together.

Hindsight is 20/20. Even his family said they have been through this with him before. Looking back, what do you think you missed that should have clued you in to what was going on? People don't just wake up on a Friday and decide to shoot up.

dollydo

He is just doing what addicts do, deflect, blame and acuse. And, you are doing what codies do, let the addict back in and suffer more grief. It is what we do until we wake up, and accept the reality of the situation.

Do yourself a favor, no movies, no dinners, no contact with him.

laurie6781

This is TYPICAL Addict/Alcoholic MANIPULATION, more commonly called QUACKING.

It is NOT YOUR FAULT. In order for him to stay in DENIAL he has to POINT THE BLAME ELSEWHERE.

Stick to your plans, please, stay with his mom and leave as scheduled.

I might suggest thought that when you arrive home, you seek out a therapist/counselor and/or try at least 6 different meetings of Alanon for YOU. Alanon will give you a way to look at yourself to figure out what you missed and why, as Hello-Kitty suggested.

Also please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much and there are many on here who have been where you are or are where you are and they are more than willing to share their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).

We are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

lightseeker

so sorry for what you are going through. Isn't it amazing that even after you know what you know that you are wondering if you are the crazy one. I've totally been in your shoes so I know what you mean.

Keep plugging on until you can get out of there. This all sounds so familiar and is exactly what you can expect from someone in active addiction. Just remember that syringe and how much you want to keep your distance - and need to keep your distance. Remember that you are currently in a crazy making situation but you will be out of it soon.

I hope that you will come here as much as you need while you make it through to the other side. Sending you prayers and love....

outtolunch

Sounds like nothing has changed with him for the past what, 20 +/- years. He switch his drug of choice from alcohol to drugs long before the big reveal.

You did not cause this.
Your cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

What a bleessing to have learned the truth before making a greater commitment or bringing his child into the world.

I know it hurts like hello, right now. Some day, you will realize you dodged a bullet.
Alcoholism/addiction are progressive. This guy is nowhere near ready to do the hard work necessary for recovery. You deserve better than this and you know it.

xwaitingx

remember to make it through each day and then you will have made it through the week. and, as others have said, please always remind yourself that the things he is saying to you are nonsense. you know you have not ruined his life, but it is him who has done the damage. stay strong. since his family has been through all this look to them for support as well.

caughthiminject

Thank you so much. You're absolutely right. I should have left a long time ago. I think I was very lonely and it's a difficult life in Thailand (I am American) and I had finally met someone who was offering me a chance to live in Australia so I just tried to ignore the drinking. It was never something I would have accepted when I lived in America. It was that approaching 40 and just saying "well someone is better than no one".

Just one week and I'll be on that plane back home and all of this will be behind me. I just have to get through this week. He's being sweet now. So sorry, won't do it again, never meant to hurt you, don't leave me, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think it's a good thing he was injecting. Because it's something I can't get past. He took off his sweater today and I saw the deep green track marks on both arms. I feel like I'm in some kind of television show. It's just so hard to believe that I'd have ever ended up with someone who did this.

Thank you for being here. This support is incredibly important to me right now while I'm stuck here. I can't wait to go home now. I finally slept last night and am a lot more clear-headed and less emotional. This was my first relationship in three years after a divorce. My ex-husband cheated on me and left me for another woman, so I know that I can survive a breakup just fine. It's a bit different though when the other person says they love you and beg you to stay with them, instead of running out the door with their new girlfriend. It is actually harder. When someone leaves you, there's nothing you can do but throw-up and move on. But this - it's harder. I feel like it would be so easy to just forget about it and have fun. I am an incredibly happy person. I hate conflict and arguments. I tend to just get over things very quickly and move on to having fun. Which is not a great quality in this situation.

You know, I wish there was some time machine. And I was a control freak person (which I guess I am) and could go back in time and make him not do it. Then all this pain from the last few days and all the pain to come in the next few weeks as I have to get over him - I could just stop it. He hates himself and he is coming down and feeling sick. He says he wants to die. To me it doesn't make sense - I thought you'd do drugs to feel good - so if you know the result is making you want to die, why bother? He's now almost flat broke.

I don't know where I took a wrong turn. I'm 37, own a house on 2.5acres of beautiful land, rescue dogs and have 6 beautiful doggies at home, financially stable. I have never touched drugs, don't drink at all, don't smoke, don't eat meat. I hardly even swear. We couldn't be more different. But this guy's family - they are all like me apart from the occasional glass of wine or a steak. I think I fell in love with his family more than him. It was the big family that's close and caring. Which is why I have no idea how he could be the way he is.

They are enablers though - we all are. When I met him he was drunk. You're right - it wasn't like there weren't any signs. It wasn't like drinking never caused massive problems. The last time I left Australia was with the intention of never returning. He's snuck off to drive drunk to get more beer while I was asleep before. I've woken up to find him gone. He's drank all night and vomited blood into the days before.

He hates himself the next day though. I feel sorry for him. He lays in bed and feels sad and miserable and tells me he'll never get drunk again. So far, it's not ever been true.

Wow, I am reading this, and I am an idiot. I should have left at the drinking. Why did it take injections of amphetamines to scare me? This guy has been scary from the start!! I never took him to my house. I never introduced him to my parents or friends. Deep down I was always embarrassed of him. I never know when he's going to get drunk and embarrass me. Thailand's so full of prostitutes, I wouldn't dare to have him around there and drunk and black out.

So here's someone I can't trust because he might get drunk or high and end up giving me HIV via needle or prostitute. Zero future. Not to mention I'm just nutty going through drawers and phone and computer, digging around to see what else I can find. Like a lunatic. I never had a relationship like this in my life. Any man I was with before could have his phone and everything laying out and it would never even cross my mind to look at things. Now I'm like the f*cking CIA. I don't want this life. I would never bring a child into this.

I'm not angry enough for it to not hurt though. When my ex cheated on me, I hated him. And hate can get you through grief. But with this guy - I love him. I don't hate him. He's sick. I feel sorry for him. His sadness and agony are apparent. I'm just competing with something I can't compete with and I can't comprehend. I don't drink. I'm allergic - so I've never been a drinker. There isn't anything I need in that way. Even if all the chocolate on the planet was destroyed, it wouldn't matter. I go out on social occasions and I drink water, and I have a great time. I don't understand when he says he "needs" to drink to have fun. "Needs" to drink to relax after work. "Needs" to drink because he's on holiday.

I think in two years I have spent so much time with him that I forgot what normal drinkers were like. When I was back in Thailand on my birthday, I went down to the islands and met loads of people. It was a party island and plenty of drugs and alcohol available. But the people I met were normal. Two or three beers and some conversation and dancing. Then going back to their rooms to sleep. I didn't have to babysit anyone. I didn't have to fear for my safety, because they were all lucid and courteous enough to walk me back to my room. I didn't have to worry about them (okay mostly because they were strangers) because they were in control of themselves. And I had a fantastic time. I thought about my boyfriend and missed him at the time. Then I thought, oh god, if he had been here - he would have ruined my birthday. He would have kept drinking all night and not let me sleep at all.

Okay, sorry to keep going. I just have to vent. It's an awkward thing being in Australia right now. But it's also a good thing that I don't live here. I have to suffer this week. But once I'm on that plane, there's nothing to tie me here. There's no way for him to contact me or find me. That's when I can heal. He can call me but I won't take the calls. He won't fly over to find me. So in a way this is better. Yeah, I'm trapped right now. I wish so much my house was down the road and I could just leave. But if that was the case, he'd be knocking on my door in a day or two and making me feel weak. Cutting it all off is the only way to heal.

Part of me hoped that you would all say: "He's not lying when he says he'll never do it again." I wish there was some solution. Some way that it would be okay. Some way that I could stay with him and be happy. Because he's not a monster. This is the man I love. We laugh together and have a great time most of the time. We just came back from weeks of camping out in the wilderness together and it was awesome. He's sweet and kind and affectionate most of the time. He's everything I want most of the time. It's the drinking and now the drugs that I don't want. Why can't we just fix that part? Why can't we just chop off those bits that don't work right? Then keep the person we love? That's what I wish I could do. Instead I am forever just going to see those bruised needle marks on his arms. It's good though. It's the slap in the face I needed.

JoySeeker

This may be very difficult to see right now, but you are very very lucky to be seeing all of this now, even if it feels like a hurricane just struck and getting out. There is no sense in trying to make sense of someone in active addiction, because it simply is not there. You are not crazy, boring or anything close. You are intelligent and your worth is so much more then the insanity that comes with a person who simply does not want to quit an unhealthy behavior.