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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Lisle, IL
Posts: 11
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First I would like to thank everyone who took the time out to give me their own advice and experiences!
I still had a few more questions though. I would really like to go to an open meeting, but I'm not exactly sure if this is something that I should pursue on my own. I don't want to be pushy about his meetings and such, but I want to have my own knowledge and understand of what he has to deal with every day.
Lastly, I would love to be able to get a copy of Narcatics Anonymous, but I'm not sure if I can purchase the book at a local book store or if I have to get at a meeting?
I still had a few more questions though. I would really like to go to an open meeting, but I'm not exactly sure if this is something that I should pursue on my own. I don't want to be pushy about his meetings and such, but I want to have my own knowledge and understand of what he has to deal with every day.
Lastly, I would love to be able to get a copy of Narcatics Anonymous, but I'm not sure if I can purchase the book at a local book store or if I have to get at a meeting?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Beckalee,
I've read AA/NA/Alanon/Naranon literature. ALL of it helped me alot. I've learned a lot and it has helped me to understand what recovery really is and to be able to recognize when someone (ie my former husband) was talking the talk vs. walking the walk.
But the most important thing was learning how to apply the principles of recovery in all of my affairs. It doesn't matter what I am (AA/NA/ANON) it matters that I realize that I pray the serenity prayer and accept that I am powerless. After I went to open meetings and read the AA/NA information I learned that focusing on me and my recovery was the healthiest thing for me. There was a period where I was very watchful of my former husband....I was so afraid of his disease and potential relapse that I wanted to make sure that I could recognize all of the signs if things were going awry. That wasn't healthy for me in the long run.
I'm grateful for the principles of recovery. I tend to agree with Cynical One in her reply to you in your original thread......my qualifier was a sick bird, but I was a sicker bird than he ever thought about being. I certainly did not recognize any of that in my self until I dug deep. No matter how much I wanted to learn about what he was dealing with I realized that that was a smoke screen for me to not deal with myself. I'm not saying that is the case for you but only I'm glad that I kept learning until I realized what I was learning.
I've read AA/NA/Alanon/Naranon literature. ALL of it helped me alot. I've learned a lot and it has helped me to understand what recovery really is and to be able to recognize when someone (ie my former husband) was talking the talk vs. walking the walk.
But the most important thing was learning how to apply the principles of recovery in all of my affairs. It doesn't matter what I am (AA/NA/ANON) it matters that I realize that I pray the serenity prayer and accept that I am powerless. After I went to open meetings and read the AA/NA information I learned that focusing on me and my recovery was the healthiest thing for me. There was a period where I was very watchful of my former husband....I was so afraid of his disease and potential relapse that I wanted to make sure that I could recognize all of the signs if things were going awry. That wasn't healthy for me in the long run.
I'm grateful for the principles of recovery. I tend to agree with Cynical One in her reply to you in your original thread......my qualifier was a sick bird, but I was a sicker bird than he ever thought about being. I certainly did not recognize any of that in my self until I dug deep. No matter how much I wanted to learn about what he was dealing with I realized that that was a smoke screen for me to not deal with myself. I'm not saying that is the case for you but only I'm glad that I kept learning until I realized what I was learning.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My daughter is the addict in my life. As a mom I took an interest in anything she was interested in and I did not make an exception for drugs and addiction. My interest became an obsession- full blown codependency.
I will never understand the pull and therefore the battle it takes to stay sober. However, I did learn that my daughter's recovery is her business.
Nothing I could say or do could keep her clean or cause her to relapse. I was not that powerful. None of us are.
I will never understand the pull and therefore the battle it takes to stay sober. However, I did learn that my daughter's recovery is her business.
Nothing I could say or do could keep her clean or cause her to relapse. I was not that powerful. None of us are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 38
Beckalee, I completely understand your thoughts. I met my boyfriend as a recovering addict. He has now been clean almost 15 months. I like you have never been an addict but I do work in addictions. I would like to have more intimate knowledge myself about recovery and what he is going though, but I also know that no matter how much I learn that there will always be parts of his addiction and his recovery that I will never completely understand no matter how much I try or want too simply because I am not an addict and have never been there. My rabf and I occassionally have brief conversations about his recovery and addiction, but he is still trying to figure out what he is comfortable discussing with me. He is afraid that there is some stuff in his past, actions feelings etc that will scare me and cause me to leave. As he becomes more comfortable he tells me more. He has also said that if I ask he will answer the best he can any questions I have and try to explain it to me. I am ok with that and do ask when I have specific questions. He and I both know that his recovery is his and his alone to do. Also that his recovery comes first and is a lifelong job.
That said if I were you I think would go to an open meeting on your own without him the first time. Definately reading anything you can find is always helpful. There are many good books out there and plenty of group websites AA/NA/ etc that you can read on as well.
Good luck in your search
That said if I were you I think would go to an open meeting on your own without him the first time. Definately reading anything you can find is always helpful. There are many good books out there and plenty of group websites AA/NA/ etc that you can read on as well.
Good luck in your search
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 62
Beckalee,
I understand greatly where you are coming from, my RABF is my qualifier. I have never had any probelms with addiction so I wanted to learn all I could about what he was going through, but no matter how much I did learn, some things we will never be able to understand because we cannot know their everyday internal struggle. I have had discussions with him about it and he is very open with me, but just some things you cannot totally "get".
I have yet to attend any ALANON meetings, but I have found the literature and the book "Codependant No More" very helpful!
I understand greatly where you are coming from, my RABF is my qualifier. I have never had any probelms with addiction so I wanted to learn all I could about what he was going through, but no matter how much I did learn, some things we will never be able to understand because we cannot know their everyday internal struggle. I have had discussions with him about it and he is very open with me, but just some things you cannot totally "get".
I have yet to attend any ALANON meetings, but I have found the literature and the book "Codependant No More" very helpful!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
Oddly enough, my RAH brought me the book Codependent No More years ago when we were both still using.
Personally, reading everything I can get my hands on has helped me immensely with myself, and at the same time providing some insight on where he is. There's a ton of stuff available online including local meeting lists.
Personally, reading everything I can get my hands on has helped me immensely with myself, and at the same time providing some insight on where he is. There's a ton of stuff available online including local meeting lists.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Lisle, IL
Posts: 11
Cynical one I don't understand why your coming off so harsh about this. I'm not trying to hinder his recovery by any means; I just don't think I should be an ignorant heathen to his recovery. If you take offense to this, then I'm sorry you feel that way. I believe if you're going to be with someone for better or for worse then you need to have at least the basic understanding. I admit I'm truly never going to know what it's like, but you can't judge me for at least trying to make an effort.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
I mentioned in another thread that I have attended one NA meeting at my son's invitation. It was very interesting and uplifting and I am glad I went. However, I wouldn't want to go with my son to his meetings on a regular basis - I think it would inhibit his sharing and would might make other addicts who knew him uncomfortable. I've never invited my son to a Nar-anon meeting - I might at some point- but I have to say I wouldn't feel comfortable having him come regularly - I know I wouldn't be able to share as freely. I don't think there is anything wrong with your desire to understand addiction and the process of recovery, but attending meetings that address your recovery might be more helpful. One idea- I know that many NA groups have speaker meetings - that also might be a good option for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I'm a group rep for an Alanon meeting, so I've been around 12-step meetings at the organizational level for a while.
Most 12-step meetings are closed meetings. In Alanon, that means that if you are concerned about a family member's or a friend's drinking then you qualify to go to a closed meeting. It's where we sit around the tables and share. It would make sense to me that AA and NA have the same qualifications to sit around their tables.
My understanding is that open meetings are basically those where there is a speaker. Once in a while a meeting in our area will send a flyer that they are having a speaker on some date, and at those events anyone (AAer, NAer, or whoever) can attend those "meetings." AA and NA groups have the same kind of events where they have speakers instead of a regular "closed" meeting.
We do have a meeting in our area that is comprised of Alanons and AAs sitting at a table with the format of a typical closed meeting (each person sharing in turn). But I do not believe that meeting is a "true" AA or Alanon meeting in the sense of group reps representing that meeting at their corresponding group rep meetings. Neither AA nor Alanon endorses that type of meeting. That type of meeting sounds like it would fit your request, but I would be surprised if there are any like that in your area.
Those of us who have been in Alanon/Naranon for a while see red flags in your request. If you were going to Alanon/Naranon for your own side of the street, it would be very easy for you to see the comparison that what is happening on your husband's (?boyfriend's) side of the street is the same thing. So go to one AA/NA meeting (an open one, not a closed one). But then can you leave it at that, not take charge, not keep an eagle eye (even discreetly) on him and what he is doing or not doing in his own recovery, not initiate conversations with him about recovery in general, not wait for him to do a 4th and 5th step regarding his part in things?
Keep coming back. For couples to survive addiction is no easy task, and you have your own work ahead of you in this even apart from your beloved recovering addict.
Most 12-step meetings are closed meetings. In Alanon, that means that if you are concerned about a family member's or a friend's drinking then you qualify to go to a closed meeting. It's where we sit around the tables and share. It would make sense to me that AA and NA have the same qualifications to sit around their tables.
My understanding is that open meetings are basically those where there is a speaker. Once in a while a meeting in our area will send a flyer that they are having a speaker on some date, and at those events anyone (AAer, NAer, or whoever) can attend those "meetings." AA and NA groups have the same kind of events where they have speakers instead of a regular "closed" meeting.
We do have a meeting in our area that is comprised of Alanons and AAs sitting at a table with the format of a typical closed meeting (each person sharing in turn). But I do not believe that meeting is a "true" AA or Alanon meeting in the sense of group reps representing that meeting at their corresponding group rep meetings. Neither AA nor Alanon endorses that type of meeting. That type of meeting sounds like it would fit your request, but I would be surprised if there are any like that in your area.
Those of us who have been in Alanon/Naranon for a while see red flags in your request. If you were going to Alanon/Naranon for your own side of the street, it would be very easy for you to see the comparison that what is happening on your husband's (?boyfriend's) side of the street is the same thing. So go to one AA/NA meeting (an open one, not a closed one). But then can you leave it at that, not take charge, not keep an eagle eye (even discreetly) on him and what he is doing or not doing in his own recovery, not initiate conversations with him about recovery in general, not wait for him to do a 4th and 5th step regarding his part in things?
Keep coming back. For couples to survive addiction is no easy task, and you have your own work ahead of you in this even apart from your beloved recovering addict.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
After 10 years of working on my own recovery from my own addiction (eating disorder) I joined Al-Anon.
After about eight months of Al-anon I began to participate in some open AA meetings. I live in a fairly small community, so to have regular attendance at meetings sometimes you need to branch out to other formats. For example I live close enough to desolate reservation towns that only have 12 step "recovery" meetings...without any other specification because if they specified there would not be enough people to attend any meeting. Some of these are speaker meetings, some of these are not. They are publicized as open meetings and if they are not speaker meetings we as a group sit around a table and share.
By the time I started going I was not living with a person in active addiction. I knew some of the people in those meetings (acquaintances), but don't think it would have been a good choice for me to go with a loved one as it would hinder them. I take knitting or crocheting to these meetings to keep my hands busy and my mouth shut. I am not there to throw my two cents in, I am there to learn. For me the ESH shared in those rooms has helped me immensely. To understand that many of my loved ones struggling are not ready for recovery, what recovery takes etc. I cannot know anyone's individual story intimately, but listening for me helps me to get my head out of my butt, and to keep working on my own recovery.
I think the important piece is about my own motivation for going and that is the concern I am hearing (and agree with) in some of the posts Beckalee. I am going for myself to ALL the meetings. I read many of the postings not in the F&F side for the same reason.
Sending warm thoughts your way.
After about eight months of Al-anon I began to participate in some open AA meetings. I live in a fairly small community, so to have regular attendance at meetings sometimes you need to branch out to other formats. For example I live close enough to desolate reservation towns that only have 12 step "recovery" meetings...without any other specification because if they specified there would not be enough people to attend any meeting. Some of these are speaker meetings, some of these are not. They are publicized as open meetings and if they are not speaker meetings we as a group sit around a table and share.
By the time I started going I was not living with a person in active addiction. I knew some of the people in those meetings (acquaintances), but don't think it would have been a good choice for me to go with a loved one as it would hinder them. I take knitting or crocheting to these meetings to keep my hands busy and my mouth shut. I am not there to throw my two cents in, I am there to learn. For me the ESH shared in those rooms has helped me immensely. To understand that many of my loved ones struggling are not ready for recovery, what recovery takes etc. I cannot know anyone's individual story intimately, but listening for me helps me to get my head out of my butt, and to keep working on my own recovery.
I think the important piece is about my own motivation for going and that is the concern I am hearing (and agree with) in some of the posts Beckalee. I am going for myself to ALL the meetings. I read many of the postings not in the F&F side for the same reason.
Sending warm thoughts your way.
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