letting go of my daughter...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
letting go of my daughter...
Hi~
I'm new here, and at my end w/25-year-old daughter. God, I love her, but I just can't do this anymore. I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and I really hope to learn how to let go. Let go without threatening, without anger, without how could you, without don't you know how much I love you. This has been a long time arriving. Fearful, worried she could end up dead, yes on all of the questions above. However, I can't be the punching bag (verbally) anymore. I can't watch the saddness my other family feels for her issues. I have so many emotions; angry, sad. fearful, denial.
Thanks for listening.
I'm new here, and at my end w/25-year-old daughter. God, I love her, but I just can't do this anymore. I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and I really hope to learn how to let go. Let go without threatening, without anger, without how could you, without don't you know how much I love you. This has been a long time arriving. Fearful, worried she could end up dead, yes on all of the questions above. However, I can't be the punching bag (verbally) anymore. I can't watch the saddness my other family feels for her issues. I have so many emotions; angry, sad. fearful, denial.
Thanks for listening.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
If you haven't done so, I would suggest that you read around both Family & Friends forums. Their are alot of parents posting here who are going through the same thing as you are.
I am sure meetings will help!
If you haven't done so, I would suggest that you read around both Family & Friends forums. Their are alot of parents posting here who are going through the same thing as you are.
I am sure meetings will help!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....this is a great forum for support. Every person on this forum understands the pain, disappointment and fear involved with loving someone who is addicted. Many of us, like you, are parents who have had to detach from our children for their sake and for our own.
I'm glad to hear that you are going to a meeting. It has been the best thing that I have ever done for myself.
It is possible to find serenity whether your daughter is using or not. It may not feel like it right now....but it is possible if you are willing to do what it takes to find it.
Again, welcome......feel free to post. vent. read. And share your journey. I truly believe that we help each other as we share our own strength, experience, and hope.
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
I'm glad to hear that you are going to a meeting. It has been the best thing that I have ever done for myself.
It is possible to find serenity whether your daughter is using or not. It may not feel like it right now....but it is possible if you are willing to do what it takes to find it.
Again, welcome......feel free to post. vent. read. And share your journey. I truly believe that we help each other as we share our own strength, experience, and hope.
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Sadmamma: Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, but believe it or not you have found a treasure here. That and going to meetings. I would suggest keeping an open mind as you listen and learn about addiction and our better response to it.
You want to influence your daughter to choose a better way. You can do that. Just remember that when you read about things like "letting go, stepping back, giving them over to their Higher Power, letting them feel the pain of their consequences, taking care of yourself, not taking a front-row seat to their addiction, etc." These sound pretty scary at first, especially when our biggest fear is that our loved one will die as a result of drugs/alcohol. But if you stick around and give the wisdom on these boards a chance, you will see the truth in all this.
Again, welcome SR. And keep going to meetings. We have all been where you are at and have lived to tell the tale!
You want to influence your daughter to choose a better way. You can do that. Just remember that when you read about things like "letting go, stepping back, giving them over to their Higher Power, letting them feel the pain of their consequences, taking care of yourself, not taking a front-row seat to their addiction, etc." These sound pretty scary at first, especially when our biggest fear is that our loved one will die as a result of drugs/alcohol. But if you stick around and give the wisdom on these boards a chance, you will see the truth in all this.
Again, welcome SR. And keep going to meetings. We have all been where you are at and have lived to tell the tale!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
Sadmamma : Welcome, my heart is heavy for you. I too have a 25 year old addict. My oldest son.
You have taken a good step in coming here and also attending meetings. I'll admit when I first began I didn't really think it would help. There was just nothing else to do ... I guess I could have continued to wallow around in my despair but I figured "enough was enough" I did that and it didn't work for me.
After about a month or so I remember calling a girlfriend who I met at a meeting and telling her that "this nar anon stuff really works" as Kindeyes said "It is possible to find serenity whether your daughter is using or not" for a long while I didn't think it was but for me, on these boards and in the rooms of nar anon I have indeed found it.
keep coming back ... hugs from one mom to another
You have taken a good step in coming here and also attending meetings. I'll admit when I first began I didn't really think it would help. There was just nothing else to do ... I guess I could have continued to wallow around in my despair but I figured "enough was enough" I did that and it didn't work for me.
After about a month or so I remember calling a girlfriend who I met at a meeting and telling her that "this nar anon stuff really works" as Kindeyes said "It is possible to find serenity whether your daughter is using or not" for a long while I didn't think it was but for me, on these boards and in the rooms of nar anon I have indeed found it.
keep coming back ... hugs from one mom to another
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Another mom, here.
Letting go for me meant letting go of my fantasy that I controlled or had influence over my daughter and her choices. That was the most humbling experience of my life. You see, it was not about my daughter. I made it my mission in life to rescue her and beat heroin addiction.
Having brought myself to the brink of near financial ( should we put our house in hock to pay for more rehab?) , emotional and physical bankruptcy I made a decision to save myself and let go of her outcome which I never controlled. There was no anger. Just resolve and saddness.
My daughter is sober today. This is not because she saw the light when I ceased to enable. Rather, it was likely a combo of things including that the addicts she knew and trusted ( is there such a thing?) were either dead or in prison. Her normies had long since disengaged. She was going to have to drug fund/seek independent of anyone who would protect her.
No car. No phone. No home. No job. No protection. What's a girl to do? She hit her bottom and began to use some of the tools she learned in many rehab stints.
She and I are both one lousy decision away from a relapse. She with drugs and me with codependency. Just for today, we are just fine. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Being a mom is not for woosies. I am grateful for this forum and those who have the courage to empower others to take responsibility for themselves.
Letting go for me meant letting go of my fantasy that I controlled or had influence over my daughter and her choices. That was the most humbling experience of my life. You see, it was not about my daughter. I made it my mission in life to rescue her and beat heroin addiction.
Having brought myself to the brink of near financial ( should we put our house in hock to pay for more rehab?) , emotional and physical bankruptcy I made a decision to save myself and let go of her outcome which I never controlled. There was no anger. Just resolve and saddness.
My daughter is sober today. This is not because she saw the light when I ceased to enable. Rather, it was likely a combo of things including that the addicts she knew and trusted ( is there such a thing?) were either dead or in prison. Her normies had long since disengaged. She was going to have to drug fund/seek independent of anyone who would protect her.
No car. No phone. No home. No job. No protection. What's a girl to do? She hit her bottom and began to use some of the tools she learned in many rehab stints.
She and I are both one lousy decision away from a relapse. She with drugs and me with codependency. Just for today, we are just fine. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Being a mom is not for woosies. I am grateful for this forum and those who have the courage to empower others to take responsibility for themselves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your kind words and support. My daughter's best friend is going with me tonight. We've both watched this terrible disease for three years, and have done every worng thing to help her. My daughter called this morning and she sounded so happy on the message that she left, and guess what; I still really want to believe her, want to think it's all going to be o.k. Crazy how my mind works, crazy that I can sit there and want to call my husband up and say, "she is all better!" I'm going to wait till tomorrow to call her back. Thank you all again!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Poplar Branch, NC
Posts: 6
@outolunch, I am having similar issues. Your message was very humble and so made me think. My daughter of 28 is in a year long rehab only one week now. They just told me her attitude is bad and she has to change or will be sent home. Crying but mostly praying.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
As another mamas of an addict I want to welcome you and send hugs to all the mamas here.
I know your pain and I know your fear. All I can tell you is that meetings saved my life and helped me find peace, something I had not seen in years.
Your children will be in my prayers.
Hugs from one mama to others.
I know your pain and I know your fear. All I can tell you is that meetings saved my life and helped me find peace, something I had not seen in years.
Your children will be in my prayers.
Hugs from one mama to others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Hi everyone,
I went to my first meeting Thursday night, and spent two hours after the meeting just talking. I felt like I had come home, and honestly didn't realize just how emotional I was. Once I began talking I just couldn't stop crying, even listening to others share made me cry all that much more.
I'm going to a meeting Tuesday and Thursday, Nar-Anon is fairly new here and they only have four meetings a week. For the first time I didn't feel so alone walking around with all this guilt and shame, and the "what if I had of done this."
I eventually want to get to the point where I'm not scarred to death that my daughter is going to end up dead. I want to be able to talk to her w/out being angry, or having my responses clipped and short. Then afterwards to sit and worry that those might be the last words I say to her, or that I hear from her. It is all so crazy, and very hard.
I don't know how to prepare myself or the family for the holidays and birthdays comming up. I want to set boundaries, but am fearful. I really would like to say no showing up high, but I know that would only lead to a fight and lieing. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this. Starting in September all the way through January something is happening. Last year was really hard, and it wasn't fair to my other children or my husband.
Thanks for listening, I didn't mean for this to get so long.
I went to my first meeting Thursday night, and spent two hours after the meeting just talking. I felt like I had come home, and honestly didn't realize just how emotional I was. Once I began talking I just couldn't stop crying, even listening to others share made me cry all that much more.
I'm going to a meeting Tuesday and Thursday, Nar-Anon is fairly new here and they only have four meetings a week. For the first time I didn't feel so alone walking around with all this guilt and shame, and the "what if I had of done this."
I eventually want to get to the point where I'm not scarred to death that my daughter is going to end up dead. I want to be able to talk to her w/out being angry, or having my responses clipped and short. Then afterwards to sit and worry that those might be the last words I say to her, or that I hear from her. It is all so crazy, and very hard.
I don't know how to prepare myself or the family for the holidays and birthdays comming up. I want to set boundaries, but am fearful. I really would like to say no showing up high, but I know that would only lead to a fight and lieing. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this. Starting in September all the way through January something is happening. Last year was really hard, and it wasn't fair to my other children or my husband.
Thanks for listening, I didn't mean for this to get so long.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Poplar Branch, NC
Posts: 6
Holidays
I agree holidays are the worst. I have for daugters who drink. Only two seem to have troubles fom it. One especially gets very angry and will ust disapper leaving the rest of us to worry and not get sleep till we find her. Its usually down the road under a tree or a bush? Thats not the worst of it. Anyway I just keep praying.........
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
sadmamma
You are very lucky to have four Naranon meetings a week available to you! Many areas don't have meetings at all and Alanon is the only option. I'm surprised with as rampant as drug addiction is that there aren't meetings on every corner....kinda like Starbucks!
I hope that the meetings help you as much as they have helped me. They are truly a lifeline.
Holidays are very difficult. I still don't know how to go about dealing with holidays. The last one (Easter) was an absolute disaster. Hopefully you'll develop friendships (or gain a sponsor) in your meetings and they will be able to share how they deal with holidays. It will most likely be posted as a topic here on SR as the holidays approach so that others who have experience can share what they have done to maintain a holiday environment that is safe and sane for the whole family.
gentle hugs
ke
You are very lucky to have four Naranon meetings a week available to you! Many areas don't have meetings at all and Alanon is the only option. I'm surprised with as rampant as drug addiction is that there aren't meetings on every corner....kinda like Starbucks!
I hope that the meetings help you as much as they have helped me. They are truly a lifeline.
Holidays are very difficult. I still don't know how to go about dealing with holidays. The last one (Easter) was an absolute disaster. Hopefully you'll develop friendships (or gain a sponsor) in your meetings and they will be able to share how they deal with holidays. It will most likely be posted as a topic here on SR as the holidays approach so that others who have experience can share what they have done to maintain a holiday environment that is safe and sane for the whole family.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by sadmamma 
I eventually want to get to the point where I'm not scarred to death that my daughter is going to end up dead.
I worried about this since the day my daughter was born and it had nothing to do with addiction. I had to finally accept ( or go mad) that her death is both predictable and enevitable, just as is my my own. The only unknowns are how and when.
I don't know how to prepare myself or the family for the holidays and birthdays comming up. I want to set boundaries, but am fearful.
What exactly do you fear?
I really would like to say no showing up high, but I know that would only lead to a fight and lieing. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this. Starting in September all the way through January something is happening. Last year was really hard, and it wasn't fair to my other children or my husband.
Thanks for listening, I didn't mean for this to get so long.
One of the primary lessons I learned on this journey is that there is nothing I can say or do that will cause my daughter to stay clean or relapse. I am not that powerful. None of us are.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by pinky57
I agree holidays are the worst. I have for daugters who drink. Only two seem to have troubles fom it. One especially gets very angry and will ust disapper leaving the rest of us to worry and not get sleep till we find her. Its usually down the road under a tree or a bush? Thats not the worst of it. Anyway I just keep praying.........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by outtolunch
I worried about this since the day my daughter was born and it had nothing to do with addiction. I had to finally accept ( or go mad) that her death is both predictable and enevitable, just as is my my own. The only unknowns are how and when.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Poplar Branch, NC
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Chino
Same with me. I've not ever worried to the depths of despair about any of my loved ones, like I have with my daughter, and it started way before addiction. Sometimes I wonder how close I came to developing an identity disorder because mine was so tightly intertwined with hers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 30
This will be my first post to any kind of chat room so not even sure how this works....I totally relate to sadmamma....today is my addicted daughter's 21st birthday and I have no idea where or how she is....my heart is breaking
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