Opiate abuse
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
This doesn't sound very much like an EX bf. Sounds more like maybe you're saying ex but hoping it's just a time out. Sometimes we say a relationship is over... but upon closer inspection, and after reading all the fine print... we have to admit that there really may be some expectations still tied up in there. He may be your ex on paper, but it sounds like your heart and mind have something different to say about it.
Letting him crash at your place for a week... wondering if he's using again... sharing kisses... knowing that he supposedly had pneumonia AFTER he left your place... admitting that you lead him to believe you'll be together... etc.
This is not an EX relationship. It's very current, and it's very active. Maybe you need to start there with learning what it means to let go and actually be broken up. You say that you thought breaking up with him would help him hit bottom.
Hades, you haven't broken up with him.
What's good is that you actually recognize your dysfunction in all this. That's a good place to start. You posted a whole laundry lists of issues you admit that you have. I suggest you let him go and really work hard to get yourself into recovery.
Letting him crash at your place for a week... wondering if he's using again... sharing kisses... knowing that he supposedly had pneumonia AFTER he left your place... admitting that you lead him to believe you'll be together... etc.
This is not an EX relationship. It's very current, and it's very active. Maybe you need to start there with learning what it means to let go and actually be broken up. You say that you thought breaking up with him would help him hit bottom.
Hades, you haven't broken up with him.
What's good is that you actually recognize your dysfunction in all this. That's a good place to start. You posted a whole laundry lists of issues you admit that you have. I suggest you let him go and really work hard to get yourself into recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 136
Wow Hades, we really are alot alike. I know exactly how you feel, and it is extremely difficult for extreme codies like us to just let go and stop trying to control their addictions. But it is something you MUST DO or neither of you will ever change and you will be stuck in this self-destructive cycle of life forever.
I only recently made the decision to get help for myself. At first I felt weak for needing therapy, but honestly it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I think you mentioned going to therapy, and if you are, please continue to do so. Talking to my therapist relieves a lot of the anxiety I build up throughout the week, and I feel much more relaxed and peaceful when I leave her office. You need to share your feelings openly with someone who will not judge you and will guide you in the right direction, and I think if you see your therapist on a weekly basis, you will soon find yourself on the right path.
Blocking your ex's phone calls and texts was a very good decision, but instead of constantly thinking about him, worrying about him, focus on your own recovery. Try a nar-anon or al-anon meeting (face to face meetings are great, but if you're not ready for that, try stepchat.com, there are online real time al-anon meetings and chat rooms there). Try writing down some goals you have for yourself, and if you don't have any, set some. It can be as small as "read a book" or as big as "take a trip to Jamaica". Once you have some goals established then you can focus your energy on things you want and enjoy and not waste it on things that you can't control.
But the most important thing you need to do is to let go of all the pain, stress, worrying, fear, and self-destructive behaviors that are surrounding your life right now. Focus on YOU because that is who is most important.
Good luck and keep in touch.
I only recently made the decision to get help for myself. At first I felt weak for needing therapy, but honestly it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I think you mentioned going to therapy, and if you are, please continue to do so. Talking to my therapist relieves a lot of the anxiety I build up throughout the week, and I feel much more relaxed and peaceful when I leave her office. You need to share your feelings openly with someone who will not judge you and will guide you in the right direction, and I think if you see your therapist on a weekly basis, you will soon find yourself on the right path.
Blocking your ex's phone calls and texts was a very good decision, but instead of constantly thinking about him, worrying about him, focus on your own recovery. Try a nar-anon or al-anon meeting (face to face meetings are great, but if you're not ready for that, try stepchat.com, there are online real time al-anon meetings and chat rooms there). Try writing down some goals you have for yourself, and if you don't have any, set some. It can be as small as "read a book" or as big as "take a trip to Jamaica". Once you have some goals established then you can focus your energy on things you want and enjoy and not waste it on things that you can't control.
But the most important thing you need to do is to let go of all the pain, stress, worrying, fear, and self-destructive behaviors that are surrounding your life right now. Focus on YOU because that is who is most important.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I think the most important thing for you right now is you. Are you attending AA or NA or getting counseling for yourself? Nothing is going to change until you change. There's a battlefield going on in your brain right now and you need help to fight this battle. You can't do it alone. I hope you'll make yourself a priority. It's not selfish to put yourself first before anyone else. You are no use to anyone when you are not all you can be, so get yourself some help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
I LOVE him. I am in love with him. He is the only one I want to be with. I don't even want to date other people, move on. So naturally, when I see him, I want to be affectionate, sexual. I snuggled close to him, we shared the same bed, watched movies and cuddled. Held hands when we were out in public, listened to music, laughed, joked, talked. I think he is a bright person and there is some compatibility. We had a few kisses, but he was out of it most of the time-heavy eyelids, nodding out. Most of the time he slept and was in bed or on the couch completely knocked out.
I hope you get sick of it at one point. Don't look at it like you've lost something, someone. Each relationship is like a stepping stone, a bridge of a sort to new beginnings, and better choices. You can learn from this one and move on, and you don't have to cement yourself in it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I am addicted to him and the dysfunction.
Are you willing to do what it takes to get better?
Do you want to know where to start? Just like you learned to accept dysfunction in your life, you can learn how NOT to put up with it anymore.
You get to be in control of you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
I was getting ready to write this long drawn out post about "soulmates", but decided against it. Instead I'll just say that I seriously doubt the higher power has created your destiny to include an active addict.
Yes we are all codependents. Yes we all require constant support and daily positive affirmations to remain in codie recovery. But, most of us know the fairy tale is a fake. That's the real sham here, ladies. Believing in a fairy tale to begin with was our downfall. Real life is not a romance novel or a movie. It just doesn't happen. No one is perfect. And, even if your addict did everything you wanted him to do, do you think you'd be happy then? We tell ourselves we would be, but we wouldn't. My AH is in recovery and has been verifiably clean for over 4 months. Not long by any means, but you have to start somewhere, right? He could relapse at ANY TIME. So, now, he's clean and I am the one having the issues with trust and fear. That's why I came here. Then, to my astonishment, I discovered, I'm just as sick as he is. I'm a codependent. So, every day is a struggle to rebuild trust. Every day is a struggle to not revert to MY codie ways of checking his phone and his personal belongings. Most days, I can detach mentally and worry about ME. Some days, the anxiety and stress fills my chest and I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't accuse and act crazy.
The point is, even if your ABF is in recovery, the pain doesn't stop there. It's a different kind of pain and it WILL get progressively worse unless you do something about YOU.
Yes we are all codependents. Yes we all require constant support and daily positive affirmations to remain in codie recovery. But, most of us know the fairy tale is a fake. That's the real sham here, ladies. Believing in a fairy tale to begin with was our downfall. Real life is not a romance novel or a movie. It just doesn't happen. No one is perfect. And, even if your addict did everything you wanted him to do, do you think you'd be happy then? We tell ourselves we would be, but we wouldn't. My AH is in recovery and has been verifiably clean for over 4 months. Not long by any means, but you have to start somewhere, right? He could relapse at ANY TIME. So, now, he's clean and I am the one having the issues with trust and fear. That's why I came here. Then, to my astonishment, I discovered, I'm just as sick as he is. I'm a codependent. So, every day is a struggle to rebuild trust. Every day is a struggle to not revert to MY codie ways of checking his phone and his personal belongings. Most days, I can detach mentally and worry about ME. Some days, the anxiety and stress fills my chest and I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't accuse and act crazy.
The point is, even if your ABF is in recovery, the pain doesn't stop there. It's a different kind of pain and it WILL get progressively worse unless you do something about YOU.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I've been in that kind of relationship before. That bf wasn't a drug addict, but a sex addict--like the nature of the addiction means anything. I put up with a lot of stuff for a long time. I would drive all over the place for him, and gave up most of my life for him. I spent almost all of my time with him. When we broke up, I didn't know how I would survive. I worked with a counselor, and kept a journal. I got out and did exercise, and hung with old friends. Eventually, things got better.
Just because you feel love and togetherness doesn't mean that you can't feel this feeling with somebody else someday. I know you feel attached to him, and you enjoy your time with him. However, that's just part of the time. Think of all the times that you felt bad because of his actions. It sounds like you are on a real rollercoaster. He spends time with you, so you feel great. He goes to jail, so you feel bad.
What is your bottom? You say that it's not really over this time. When will it really be over? You can make that decision.
Just because you feel love and togetherness doesn't mean that you can't feel this feeling with somebody else someday. I know you feel attached to him, and you enjoy your time with him. However, that's just part of the time. Think of all the times that you felt bad because of his actions. It sounds like you are on a real rollercoaster. He spends time with you, so you feel great. He goes to jail, so you feel bad.
What is your bottom? You say that it's not really over this time. When will it really be over? You can make that decision.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 30
This website has been great for me....realizing that change in my AD is NOT going to happen unless and until she wants to. I also went thru this crap with my XAH (alcohol....not sure all of the acronyms yet!).
I am feeling better daily. You would think I would have learned after what I went thru with my XAH but it SEEMED different with my daughter. It's not. It's still a sick relationship.
Reading some of the posts on the Substance Abuse side and hearing their stories and the sticky about What Addicts Do......Wow! Very eye opening to hear from them. When I did it made me realize how crazy I have been enabling my daughter to use me at will. Home, money, school, truck, money, clothes, food. If she mentioned us going out to eat 'together' I was sooooo elated. Wow! She wants to spend time with me. Ha ha. They are very crafty and very skilled. They may be sick but they are very very good at what they do.
My advice is to listen to what everyone here is saying. Go to meetings, go to therapy, go thru the grieving process but do not let him back into your life. There are worse things than being alone.
I am feeling better daily. You would think I would have learned after what I went thru with my XAH but it SEEMED different with my daughter. It's not. It's still a sick relationship.
Reading some of the posts on the Substance Abuse side and hearing their stories and the sticky about What Addicts Do......Wow! Very eye opening to hear from them. When I did it made me realize how crazy I have been enabling my daughter to use me at will. Home, money, school, truck, money, clothes, food. If she mentioned us going out to eat 'together' I was sooooo elated. Wow! She wants to spend time with me. Ha ha. They are very crafty and very skilled. They may be sick but they are very very good at what they do.
My advice is to listen to what everyone here is saying. Go to meetings, go to therapy, go thru the grieving process but do not let him back into your life. There are worse things than being alone.
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