No one to talk to
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
No one to talk to
The man I love is an addict. When I met him he told me that he was seeing a doctor for pain management because of extensive dental problems. I had no reason to not believe him. We started dating, fell in love, he moved in...Things were wonderful. We liked doing the same things, liked the same movies, music, etc. Things were wonderful...
He lost his job in May. I had to support us and pay the bills - which started going unpaid. I noticed money missing from my account and confronted him - he told me that he used and apologized profusely. I forgave him because I truly believed that he was sorry and wouldn't do it again.
I went to pick up a prescription for me a few months ago and there was one for me for vicodin with his doctor's name on the label. I called him and asked what it was about - he told me that his doctor (who he said was an old friend) had called it in in my name because he lost his insurance when he lost his job and was doing him a favor because they go way back and we lived together and planned on getting married. I found it a bit odd, but didn't think the man I loved and lived with would lie to me about that.
He did. He lied. A month ago he was arrested. He had been caught calling in a prescription - different pharmacy - different person's name... I was called by the police. When I went to the station I was told everything - about the addiction (30 pills a day), the prescriptions (5 different pharmacies) the length of the addiction over 3 years. The arresting officer said "he needs help".
His father came and paid the bondsman (the bail was set at 15,000). I walked out with E in total shock. When we got home he cried and said he was sorry. We both cried till we fell asleep. The next day we went to an ER to see about getting him into rehab. No beds. He spent the week detoxing at home. Our agreement was he would go to rehab that Saturday. He changed his mind on Friday, so I took his keys and asked him to leave. I told him I would be there to drive him to court, to take him to rehab, but I couldn't continue our relationship.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I miss him. I want to hate him because of what he has done, but I pity him because he seems so pathetic now. I am hurt because of the lies. I am scared because my name was used for the prescriptions. (in total he called in 10 - he would pick them up himself when I was at work.) I am afraid of the legal mess he may have caused for me (i'm a teacher - who has used vicodin once in my life after surgery - and even then only took it two times). I've never had a parking ticket and I don't even eat groceries in my cart without paying for them first...and now this has happened... I'm afraid of losing my job and my liscense to teach. I am financially ruined because of supporting us both (there were lots of promises by him about money coming in due to a settlement from losing his job...not really believing that now.) I am on the verge of losing my home because of missed mortgage payments (I am working with the bank though to get enrolled in a hardship plan). And I am so angry with myself for being so gullible and blind to everything that was happening. He still calls and texts me, and I try to keep my replies generic. I feel if I desert him he may give up. I have told my family most of what happened (not the stealing) and they have been incredibly supportive of me, but, understandably, hate him for what he has done. They have told me that need to totally cut all ties with him.
I know I SHOULD do that, but I can't help wanting to help him because I know he has no one.
I don't know how I should feel now. I cry everyday. I try to work (summer job) as much as I can to keep busy. I hate coming home because it is sad and lonely now. I can't sleep at night. I made an appointment to see a therapist. I go see her next week.
I feel so broken. I know he needs to help himself and no one can help him if he won't do it himself. I know he will face jail time. There are times I hope he would crash his car and die just so that this will all end. I know that is horrible, but I can't help feeling that way at times. I searched and searched online for a place to find others that may feel like I do. I need to talk to other people who have gone through this.
Does it ever stop hurting?
He lost his job in May. I had to support us and pay the bills - which started going unpaid. I noticed money missing from my account and confronted him - he told me that he used and apologized profusely. I forgave him because I truly believed that he was sorry and wouldn't do it again.
I went to pick up a prescription for me a few months ago and there was one for me for vicodin with his doctor's name on the label. I called him and asked what it was about - he told me that his doctor (who he said was an old friend) had called it in in my name because he lost his insurance when he lost his job and was doing him a favor because they go way back and we lived together and planned on getting married. I found it a bit odd, but didn't think the man I loved and lived with would lie to me about that.
He did. He lied. A month ago he was arrested. He had been caught calling in a prescription - different pharmacy - different person's name... I was called by the police. When I went to the station I was told everything - about the addiction (30 pills a day), the prescriptions (5 different pharmacies) the length of the addiction over 3 years. The arresting officer said "he needs help".
His father came and paid the bondsman (the bail was set at 15,000). I walked out with E in total shock. When we got home he cried and said he was sorry. We both cried till we fell asleep. The next day we went to an ER to see about getting him into rehab. No beds. He spent the week detoxing at home. Our agreement was he would go to rehab that Saturday. He changed his mind on Friday, so I took his keys and asked him to leave. I told him I would be there to drive him to court, to take him to rehab, but I couldn't continue our relationship.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I miss him. I want to hate him because of what he has done, but I pity him because he seems so pathetic now. I am hurt because of the lies. I am scared because my name was used for the prescriptions. (in total he called in 10 - he would pick them up himself when I was at work.) I am afraid of the legal mess he may have caused for me (i'm a teacher - who has used vicodin once in my life after surgery - and even then only took it two times). I've never had a parking ticket and I don't even eat groceries in my cart without paying for them first...and now this has happened... I'm afraid of losing my job and my liscense to teach. I am financially ruined because of supporting us both (there were lots of promises by him about money coming in due to a settlement from losing his job...not really believing that now.) I am on the verge of losing my home because of missed mortgage payments (I am working with the bank though to get enrolled in a hardship plan). And I am so angry with myself for being so gullible and blind to everything that was happening. He still calls and texts me, and I try to keep my replies generic. I feel if I desert him he may give up. I have told my family most of what happened (not the stealing) and they have been incredibly supportive of me, but, understandably, hate him for what he has done. They have told me that need to totally cut all ties with him.
I know I SHOULD do that, but I can't help wanting to help him because I know he has no one.
I don't know how I should feel now. I cry everyday. I try to work (summer job) as much as I can to keep busy. I hate coming home because it is sad and lonely now. I can't sleep at night. I made an appointment to see a therapist. I go see her next week.
I feel so broken. I know he needs to help himself and no one can help him if he won't do it himself. I know he will face jail time. There are times I hope he would crash his car and die just so that this will all end. I know that is horrible, but I can't help feeling that way at times. I searched and searched online for a place to find others that may feel like I do. I need to talk to other people who have gone through this.
Does it ever stop hurting?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......although as always, I am so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. You have definitely found a place where everyone here understands the pain of loving an addict.
I know others will be along shortly but most of us will suggest a couple of things for you to help work your way through the carnage left in the wake of addiction. Consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and give consideration to attending Alanon or Naranon meetings. Getting counseling was a very smart thing to do--a good therapist will help you process all of this!
We (the codependents) are often so worried about the addict when our own world is tumbling around us. That's because most of us are kind, loving people who don't understand addiction. It just doesn't occur to us that someone we love would steal from us, lie to us, and all of this to feed the beast of addiction with their drug of choice.
Stick around. Vent. Ask questions. Read. And we'll be here to walk with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I know others will be along shortly but most of us will suggest a couple of things for you to help work your way through the carnage left in the wake of addiction. Consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and give consideration to attending Alanon or Naranon meetings. Getting counseling was a very smart thing to do--a good therapist will help you process all of this!
We (the codependents) are often so worried about the addict when our own world is tumbling around us. That's because most of us are kind, loving people who don't understand addiction. It just doesn't occur to us that someone we love would steal from us, lie to us, and all of this to feed the beast of addiction with their drug of choice.
Stick around. Vent. Ask questions. Read. And we'll be here to walk with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((broken))) - so sorry for what has brought you here, but glad you found us. I came here as an RA (recovering addict) and a big-time codie (codependent). I have 3 ex bf's who were addicts/alcoholics and the pain is real, but it does get better in time.
I read a gazillion posts when I first got here, and realized that I had to take care of me, let the ex take care of himself. I KNEW that, as my family, thankfully, let ME hit my bottom and deal with my consequences. DOING it, however, took a lot of support, and I found it here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I read a gazillion posts when I first got here, and realized that I had to take care of me, let the ex take care of himself. I KNEW that, as my family, thankfully, let ME hit my bottom and deal with my consequences. DOING it, however, took a lot of support, and I found it here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hon, don't go down with the ship, save yourself. If you continue your relationship with him you may find yourself in a very bad legal situation.
He is a very sick man, there is nothing you can do to help him.
I would listen to your family, they are thinking with their heads, not their hearts They truely have your best interest at heart, your abf does not, he never has had, his first and only love is drugs...not my rules, just the truth.
Going no contact is the real solution to ending your pain, the sooner you cut the cord, the sooner you will move forward with your life.
Keep posting, it will help.
He is a very sick man, there is nothing you can do to help him.
I would listen to your family, they are thinking with their heads, not their hearts They truely have your best interest at heart, your abf does not, he never has had, his first and only love is drugs...not my rules, just the truth.
Going no contact is the real solution to ending your pain, the sooner you cut the cord, the sooner you will move forward with your life.
Keep posting, it will help.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
brokengirl,
I am the mother of 2 addict sons.
My oldest, age 37, is somewhat sober, I say "somewhat" because you can never believe what they say. He SAYS he is sober, but I've been scammed before.
Our youngest, age 33, is currently in prison in Florida for selling and manufacturing Meth. He had a GF here, in Ohio for 5 years, I thought they would get married...yeah, right. She believed all the lies and so did I.
She bawled her eyes out when he left her. I will tell you the same thing I told her....there is a someone out there for you, just waiting for you to come along. A sober, truthful, loving person, who can contribute to a "real" relationship.
That girl, who I loved, and still love, has found herself a new fella, and he treats her right, and truly loves her. I am happy for her.
So...my advice would be....cut ties, move on. The relationship you THOUGHT you were in, was based on lies, deceit, and dishonesty.
Hugs to you sweetie, believe me, it's going to get better.
I am the mother of 2 addict sons.
My oldest, age 37, is somewhat sober, I say "somewhat" because you can never believe what they say. He SAYS he is sober, but I've been scammed before.
Our youngest, age 33, is currently in prison in Florida for selling and manufacturing Meth. He had a GF here, in Ohio for 5 years, I thought they would get married...yeah, right. She believed all the lies and so did I.
She bawled her eyes out when he left her. I will tell you the same thing I told her....there is a someone out there for you, just waiting for you to come along. A sober, truthful, loving person, who can contribute to a "real" relationship.
That girl, who I loved, and still love, has found herself a new fella, and he treats her right, and truly loves her. I am happy for her.
So...my advice would be....cut ties, move on. The relationship you THOUGHT you were in, was based on lies, deceit, and dishonesty.
Hugs to you sweetie, believe me, it's going to get better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
The lonliness and emptiness feels unbearable, doesn't it? But, it IS bearable. Just like a recovering addict, you too should take it one day at a time. Even one hour at a time, if that's what it takes. I just finished Codependent No More and it really opened my eyes to MY behavior. The obsession about him, his problems, his addiction, the consequences he will face etc. It was ruining my life, destroying my sanity and consuming every one of my thoughts. My AH is in recovery now, but I still feel my codie brain knocking on the inside of my skull just daring me to fall back into my old ways.
What you'll read here and learn is you can't control him, his actions or his decisions. He's going to do whatever he can to feed his addiction. You have to lovingly detach from his problems and his addiction. Because you are a kind and compassionate person, this feels harsh. I felt the same way. But, when it was explained to me that it's the best GIFT I can give HIM, that message clicked in my head. It's a gift to allow him to be whoever he chooses to be. It's a gift to give him the freedom to do exactly whatever he wants to do. You can't force him to change. Just like you can't force him to love you. It's his choice. And, good or bad, he is the one who has the freedom of choice and ultimately the responsibility of his actions. Until he can fully realize that, he'll never seek help for himself.
At this point, all you can do is let him do him. Love him but do it from a distance. Send him all the positivity and good wishes you can and have faith that he will find his own way. Because the bottom line is - you just want him to be happy and drug free.
What you'll read here and learn is you can't control him, his actions or his decisions. He's going to do whatever he can to feed his addiction. You have to lovingly detach from his problems and his addiction. Because you are a kind and compassionate person, this feels harsh. I felt the same way. But, when it was explained to me that it's the best GIFT I can give HIM, that message clicked in my head. It's a gift to allow him to be whoever he chooses to be. It's a gift to give him the freedom to do exactly whatever he wants to do. You can't force him to change. Just like you can't force him to love you. It's his choice. And, good or bad, he is the one who has the freedom of choice and ultimately the responsibility of his actions. Until he can fully realize that, he'll never seek help for himself.
At this point, all you can do is let him do him. Love him but do it from a distance. Send him all the positivity and good wishes you can and have faith that he will find his own way. Because the bottom line is - you just want him to be happy and drug free.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 62
Broken,
I like you am new to all of this, and I searched the internet for weeks until I found this place, and I am so glad I did. My RABF has a horrible addiction to heroin and has been struggling with it for years. And until recently I took his problem on as mine as well.
I completely feel for you and this pain does seem completely unbearable, a pain I never could of imagined Even though he is in recovery the pain is still there, because I have not done any work for myself.
The only advice I can give you is to put yourself first, what advice would you give to a friend in this situation, take your heart out of it and try to make decisions only using your head.
And keep coming back here, these people know what they are talking about because they have lived through the situations you and I find ourselves in now.
You and your bf are in my prayers
I like you am new to all of this, and I searched the internet for weeks until I found this place, and I am so glad I did. My RABF has a horrible addiction to heroin and has been struggling with it for years. And until recently I took his problem on as mine as well.
I completely feel for you and this pain does seem completely unbearable, a pain I never could of imagined Even though he is in recovery the pain is still there, because I have not done any work for myself.
The only advice I can give you is to put yourself first, what advice would you give to a friend in this situation, take your heart out of it and try to make decisions only using your head.
And keep coming back here, these people know what they are talking about because they have lived through the situations you and I find ourselves in now.
You and your bf are in my prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words.
I am so glad I found this place. One day at a time...that's what I've been doing and will continue to do. And I'll keep reading here and keep posting.
Thank you...It feels good knowing there are other people out there who understand.
I am so glad I found this place. One day at a time...that's what I've been doing and will continue to do. And I'll keep reading here and keep posting.
Thank you...It feels good knowing there are other people out there who understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
I bought that book today. I have some reading to do.
Nighttime is the hardest. I hate going to sleep now (not that I sleep too much lately) because I'm not used to sleeping alone. It's hard not having arms around you that you are used to having...
But I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. No matter how hard it is.
Nighttime is the hardest. I hate going to sleep now (not that I sleep too much lately) because I'm not used to sleeping alone. It's hard not having arms around you that you are used to having...
But I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. No matter how hard it is.
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