xedancer

Well here goes...I am currently married to an A. We have 2 children (5+6), I am involved in Alanon, and other local support groups. In 2002 he went to rehab, and just last month spent another 28 days in treatment. I am a bit angry at this point for many reasons, the biggest is that even though he took that time to "work on his issues" within a week's time picked up a drink. I am aware that A's take one day at a time, but my frustration lies with his selfishness and disregard for anyone but himself.
As I read postings, I wonder where the line is? How much do we (the family) take. Not only have we suffered PUBLIC embarrassment (photos in the paper- of not only him, but myself and our sons as well). If this disease is not about me- then why do we continue to suffer from his actions??? Will it ever get better? I just can't seem to find it in myself to forgive -even though the Bible says so-our children have seen so much and being an educator myself I have also seen the long term effects of children of A's.
He can't even look at us, be in the same room with us, or even talk about any of this. I really thought (foolish me) that his time away would give him the skills to cope, communicate, and be the man he keeps claiming to be.
With this disease comes choices correct??? He chooses NOT to go to AA meetings on a regular basis, he chooses to NOT to answer the phone when his sons call, he chooses NOT to meet with/talk his sponsor.
He will lose his license soon (DUI), and maybe see jail time because his BAL was over 3 times the legal limit. Which he has yet to talk to me along with the fine he is facing.
I know I said "for better or worse" but I could use some NEW, friendly, INFORMATIVE advice. Sorry in advance fr being so gloom and doom, but I have been told (from professionals) that I need to exit.

Chino

Because you continue to choose to stay. A frequent saying around here is that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Your husband has choices and so do you. Him getting better is unknown and 100% up to him, just as your circumstances are up to you. Your husband has a mistress and it's whatever drug he's using at the moment (alcohol is a drug).

I know I'm being blunt and I apologize if it stings; it is not my intention to add to your pain.

xedancer

Thanks for your honesty! It is truly appreciated. As for pain, even though I have been hit by an 18 wheeler going 85 mph, (truth) this emotional pain is far worse. I have asked him to exit quietly, because I do not want to remove the children from their home, and he won't. He already pays for a lease on an apt. (100 miles from here) so it would be so much easier for him. Thanks again.

outtolunch

I don't know. Only you can decide what you are willing to accept.This is called setting boundaries.

We often confuse boundaries with attempts to control other people.
A solid boundary starts with "I will/will not...." while an attempt to control usually starts with "you will/will not...."

"I will not remain in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict" is a boundary. The other person, you husband in this case, is free to drink or not. You let go of the outcome. If he does what alcoholics do, you remove yourself from the situation.

So many seem to hang onto active alcoholics/addicts and rationalize they are doing so for the children. Reality is there is often some sort of warped sense of obligation to go down with the ship and take the kids along for a ride, too.

Sometimes there are financial motivations or hopeful fantasies of what he would be like if he only snapped out of it. We codependents tend to ignore reality and our own role in the chaos. We thrive on the never ending drama and chaos and being the victim. Many of us have never learned how to value ourselves and instead look to others for validation.

Only you can decide how much you are willing to take and impose on your children. I would obtain a restraining order to protect my children if I were in a similar situation. That gets him out the door.

xedancer

This makes a lot of clear sense!

Freedom1990

As not only a recovering codependent, but also as a recovering alcoholic, I can't see where he is interested in recovery in any way shape or form. He's been through rehab. He knows the drill. He chooses NOT to use any of the tools that recovery can offer.

I also have a 33-year-old daughter active in addiction and I can assure you I no longer take a front row seat to her addictions. She is no longer welcome in my home.

My home is my safe place, my haven, and never again will I allow active alcoholism/addiction to reside with me.

Sending you hugs of support!

nerdygirl

The bottom line is, he's going to do whatever he wants to do. You have to worry about yourself. If you want to live with an active alcoholic and subject your children to that environment, then that is your choice. He's not making you do anything.

We all know how painful it is to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic/addict. We are all codependents. That codependency makes us irrational and crazy. Also, letting go of a relationship and a husband is VERY difficult no matter what the circumstances. Only you can decide what is best for you. We are here no matter what you decide. But please understand, YOU also have an enormous amount of power and decision making ability in this relationship. You do not have to be a hostage to his addiction!

laurie6781

Moving you and your children to a different home will be a lot less traumatic on them then y'all staying in a house with a practicing alcoholic.

No I am not saying the D word right now. I am saying SEPARATE you and the children from the scene.

I went to 7 different grades schools in my first 8 years of school in 4 different states. It was quite a 'growth' experience and believe it or not am still in contact with 6 different folks from those various schools and I am now 66, lol

You know from Alanon, you have to take your eyes (focus) off of him, and put it back on you and what is best for you and those precious children.

Please keep posting. Let us know how you and the kids are doing. We do care so very much as we HAVE BEEN THERE.

Love and hugs,

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....I'm glad you found us and I hope you find comfort here. I do.

I'm sorry that you are going through all of the chaos that addiction/alcoholism brings with it. You have the answer to your question. It will get better when you decide you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it better.

Codependents hit bottoms too....and in my case.....there was no question when that happened and what I needed to do.

Again, welcome....you've come to a great forum with an enormous amount of collective wisdom and people who understand what it's like to live with or love an addict/alcoholic. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke