sTiLlhErE1986

I haven't been on here in a long time, as I thought I was doing good with my codependency issues and my abf was in reovery too so I thought I didnt need to write on here or even get on this site, but man was I wrong! 1 month ago my bf who is recovering from his heroin addiction, moved away to a halfwy house, in Nashville TN, which is 3 hours away from where I live.

I was doing good handling it and actually going and doing the things I like to do and spending time with my friends etc. Last week I went up to visit gim on his day off work and everything was great we had a amazing time together. He loves it there and we even talked about the possibility of me moving there in 6 months or so. I was so excited to see him happy and actually excited about his future. And when I left to come home it was a good good bye and I left feeling thankful for us beng able to have that time together and happy to see him have goals and aspirations set.

BUT then the nest few days after I got home we barely talked, he didnt call like he said he would and pretty much blew me off. Well of course this gave me the "feeling" in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong, and I was right. He told me that he is so stressed out, and now that hes got some time sober he doesnt even know who he is or what he wants, and he really just needs space to figure it out. The whole convo took 3 minutes and then he hung up. So now im sitting here shocked and not knowing what to do or say?

Obviously I did what now I know I shouldnt of done and called his phone repeatedly, and now its off. I know I should of respected his wishes for space but I wish he would of respected me enough to give me a little more tme to process it and ask him questions or anything. Now I just look like a psycho calling a lot and I still didnt get any answers.

I just dont know what to do because what does he even mean he needs space? Does he want me to call and are we officilly broken up?? Theres just a million things going thru my head and the one person who could answer them for me has now turned his phone off.

ughhhh I just am so upset and confused how to act and handle this situation. I dont even know if I have a bf anymore???? ughhhhhh sorry fir rambling.....any advice about anything is appreciated!!

sTiLlhErE1986

I was meaning that he holds the answers about what he wants with our relationship. I know that I want to be with him and dont see why the space is needed. I wanted some sort of answer to why he needs it so badly, what is that going ro accomplish?

sTiLlhErE1986

I am just frustrated becuase I feel like if I try to bug him and get the info out of him as to why he feels like he does, then thats right back to my codie stuff and that is going to give him more ammo for him saying he needs space and to figure himself out....I just want to know the status of my relationship and of his useing, because that greatly impacts my life. But I cant seem to get any answwers out of him unless I hassle and nag him to tslk, which is pathetic! I just am so lost on what to do.....

laurie6781

Therein lies the PROBLEM. HE DOES NOT KNOW what he wants. He is in early recovery. His mind is MUSH. He can't think straight. He does NOT know who he is so how can he commit to someone else? He CANNOT.

This is the time for you to back off, go to a counselor or Alanon and WORK ON YOU.

You do NOT know this man sober. He does not know himself sober. Many in early recovery (and that includes myself in my early months) are advised by those that came before them:

"No major decisions the first year."

This means, you don't change a job UNLESS is it jeopardizing your sobriety. You don't change your 'locale' unless it is jeopardizing your sobriety. You don't make 'relationship decisions' unless it is jeopardizing your sobriety.

You get the drift.

Cynical One is correct:

This is where working with a counselor and/or Alanon will help YOU tremendously.

Please keep posting about how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

sTiLlhErE1986

I do agree that he doesn't know what he wants and that is why there is confusion in his head. I know i need to focus on me and do things to take care of me but thats hard to do not knowing if this person will or will not be in my life anymore. I knew him sober for 6 months before these relapses so I have a slight knowledge of th good guy he can be, I think that is partly why I get so upset through these relapses because I see the man he is capable of being. My biggest fear was that he would get sober and then realize that he doesnt want to be with me, I guess that is ciming true

MTSlideAddict

It would be his decision to remain sober our to continue in a relationship with you. At the crucial stages of early recovery he doesn't know anything about anything about his future and his sober life. It is important for him to be able to figure that out on his own. For you, take the advise from the others before and take care of you. Learn yourself and find your independants. Then when you both are healthy mentally you both can make the decision as to whether or not to continue your relationship. Allow him this space, and find peice of mind for you wherever your relationship heads. Be strong, and know that we are all here for you.

laurie6781

NO. You knew a fellow that was 'playing' at recovery but not working on himself. You only saw what he wanted you to see. We alkie/addicts are extremely MANIPULATING and very good at wearing 'masks' and for short to medium periods of time playing at being what we think the other person wants us to be. I M H O he was DRY not SOBER. Did no work on himself.

Now if he is serious, that is when the confusion sets in in early recovery, and the fear, of just who in the he!! are we? We ourselves have no clue.

One thing you need to know. It is a very 'common' saying in the rooms of AA and NA.

"We A's don't have relationships ........................ we take hostages."

So, again, work on you. Step back. Now and for the next year at least is the time to WATCH his ACTIONS, NOT listen to his WORDS.

J M H O based on my personal experiences of 30+ years in continuous recovery from alcohol and drugs, and 27+ years of continuous recovery from my own codependent issues.

Love and hugs,

dollydo

Laurie covered all the bases, and I totally agree with her. You do not know him, right now he doesn't know him.

Work on you, give him the space he needs, there is no rush to be back in his life, when and if's it's right it will happen.

Kindeyes

The "whys" of what happened can make a person crazy. Sometimes, we don't get to know why. We have the choice to let it rumble through our brains causing sleepless nights and endless hours of worry......... or to accept it.

I think he has been as honest with you as he can be right now. He needs space. He may not know the "why", he just knows it's what he needs right now.

Your heart is hurting and I'm so very sorry. Emotional pain seems to permeate every crevice of our being and dominate our mind. You can continue on this painful path rehashing and regurgitating the conversation or you can accept it for what it was....a plea for space and time to figure out what he wants/needs in his life. This may be a good opportunity for you to explore what you want/need in your own.

gentle hugs
ke

Chino

Your life does not depend on him being in it.

My qualifier is my daughter. She's been in recovery now for over a year and doing well. I had to stop behaving as if my life revolved around hers, because it doesn't. I have no idea if she'll be in my life tomorrow, next month, next year. I may lose her forever today from something completely unrelated to addiction, and the same goes for all my loved ones.

My identity, my life, no longer depends on another.

sTiLlhErE1986

"Get off of the "clearance rack" and display yourself behind the glass where they keep all the valuables."

I LOVE that!!

Thank you all for your insights to my situation and you all are so right.

I had it in my head that since he "needed" me so much when he was using (which I now see was his way of manipulating me and getting what he did need, a way to get drugs or anything that would benefit him) that he would still "need" me now when he is getting clean. Honestly I think that this is me being hurt because I am not needed as much anymore, which should be a good thing! But in the state that I have gotten myself into I feel kind of lost without having some problem to solve or someone to help.

I am actually more scared now because I do have nothing else to focus on but myself and I don't like the person I have become. Before all of this I was a very strong person and would never let someone walk all over me the way that I have let him, and I think I'm afraid to admit to myself that I have changed so much.

I used to love going out with my friends and never really had too many worries or anxieties about things, now I am always worried or have 100+ thoughts racing through my head at a single moment and I never truly focus on being happy or content in the present, I am always worried about the "what if". It was just easier to put all of my problems aside and focus on the problems that my bf had, but now I HAVE to focus on me and the stuff going on in MY life.

I never thought that I would let someone have such a influence on my life and I need to take control of my own life back.

"Work on you, give him the space he needs, there is no rush to be back in his life, when and if's it's right it will happen."

Dolly you were right in saying that, if it is meant to work out for us it will, but if I continue in the path I am in now I am NEVER going to be happy so I need to start working on me and hopefully all things will fall in place like they are supposed to.

dollydo

Here are a couple of things I have learned while dealing with my exabf:

Many addicts have the natural ability to read women who are needy, vulnerable, lonely or have codependent tendancies.

Worrying interfers with our ability to lead a more fullfilling life.

Fear of the unknown keeps us trapped.

Feeling and acknowledging your emotions, good or bad is part of the healing process.

Learning to love yourself first, is a process that will require every bit of your patience.
Focusing on you rather than someone else requires the full power of your attention.

Never underestimate your power to change yourself, and NEVER overestimate your power to change someone else.

There is a difference between being concerned and displaying obsessive behavior.

Lastly....life with a person who is in the throws of addiction hold no promise of a future.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Just my ramblings, take what you want and leave the rest!

Freedom1990

That, my dear, is something you can change. I didn't like myself either when I hit my codependent bottom in relationships with men.

That's where Alanon and the steps helped me shed that part of me that I didn't like and build on the good parts of me!

Sending you hugs of support!

grayduchess

Sorry to piggyback but after reading this thread I think I've found some of the answers I was looking for. I just wish mine would have said "I'm confused and I need space". It would be better than the push/pull ride I've been on. I think I need to follow the good advice in this thread no matter how much it hurts...

sTiLlhErE1986

Grayduchess,

I'm glad that you found some answers you were looking for here. That's what this is all about and I'm glad that you could relate to it.

My ride with my rabf had it's share of up/down push/pull and I think it had to get to the total rock bottom for both of us to realize that things HAD to change.

Sometimes I envy the addict because they have many more avenues to look for help and support once they decide that they want to battle their demons and we are left feeling almost "alone", well that's how I was feeling, to figure out how to process everything.

For me it was like the calm after the storm when my bf actually went into detox, for the 5th time, that made me wake up and ask myself "What the heck are you doing??". Now that he's gone im forced to look at and work on myself.

I'm glad you found some answers in this post and keep coming back! I've stayed up many hours reading these threads and find many things to help me!

nerdygirl

stillhere, once you get past the pain of this break up, I think you'll see that he did you a kindness. At least he told you how he was feeling. Most addicts, hell, most men, don't do that. They are mean and nasty until you feel cornered and think you have no other options other than to break up. He didn't do that. He was up front with you. Maybe, just maybe, he was putting your needs first. Thinking that you deserve happiness that he just can't provide right now. He's giving you a gift of a clean break. Give him the courtesy of accepting his gift. I know how badly it hurts. But, once you shift your focus from him and with some time, you're going to feel so much stronger!

grayduchess

I think I will

newnormal4me

Goodness Dollydo, I printed out your "couple of things". I so needed this...I am going to put this in my purse and when I'm having a sinking moment READ!!! I need to put the focus on myself once and for all. THANK YOU!

Sorry for the mini hijack stillhere! Hang in there. I obviously can't offer much worthwile advice at the moment!

Hanna

I "forget" to come here until I really need it, too!

Whenever I feel like I am not in a good state, I sit down and make a list of the things I need to do to take care of myself and get my head in a better place. Then I start focusing only on this, doing these things and crossing them off each day, until things get better and I feel in control. The list always involves really getting back to basics by taking care of my physical and emotional needs.

For example... for me, first comes:
Water
Healthy Food
Consistent rest (getting in bed at the same time each night, even if I can't sleep)
Excercise

Then comes:
Pets are loved and have their needs met
Work obligations are met
Making sure my home is clean
My bills are paid
Plants are watered

I try to start each day with 4 things and can honestly say that when I do these things I always have a good day. It seems to work even if I forget and don't do this stuff until later.

Make my Bed
Drink a glass of water
Express Gratitude, a positive thought or say a prayer
Stretch

The last few weeks I haven't been doing this stuff so I'm getting back on track today and after reading your frustrations thought some of it might make sense for you, too.