Posting with Kindness
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Posting with Kindness
It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
thanks for the reminders and guidelines. it's hard sometimes to remember where we have been and where we are now.
i think sometimes i forget what it took for me to get to this point in my recovery and find myself from time to time, overlooking the long, anguish filled posts because of my impatience. and partly because it reminds me of the pain.
i try to just overlook those posts, which is a mistake. just an acknowlegedment that someone else out there understands would be very helpful to the anquished person.
thanks again, cats.
and, ummmm, cats........your undies are still showing. and i just love it. my purple shows all the time, too.
i think sometimes i forget what it took for me to get to this point in my recovery and find myself from time to time, overlooking the long, anguish filled posts because of my impatience. and partly because it reminds me of the pain.
i try to just overlook those posts, which is a mistake. just an acknowlegedment that someone else out there understands would be very helpful to the anquished person.
thanks again, cats.
and, ummmm, cats........your undies are still showing. and i just love it. my purple shows all the time, too.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Thanks Cats!!
Sometimes I forget these - gotta remember to do the 3 point check. . .
Is it helpful?
Is it Kind?
Is it Encouraging?
and of course I have to add for me
is it PINKFUL?
PINK HUGS!
Rita
Sometimes I forget these - gotta remember to do the 3 point check. . .
Is it helpful?
Is it Kind?
Is it Encouraging?
and of course I have to add for me
is it PINKFUL?
PINK HUGS!
Rita
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Great post, Cats!
I think sometimes we forget that just as we can't control the A's in our lives with anger, condescension, or verbal attacks, we also can't control anyone else in this way either. Folks on the F&F side will "get it when they get it" and not a moment sooner. However, we can always share from our own experience what has worked for us.
Hugs, S
I think sometimes we forget that just as we can't control the A's in our lives with anger, condescension, or verbal attacks, we also can't control anyone else in this way either. Folks on the F&F side will "get it when they get it" and not a moment sooner. However, we can always share from our own experience what has worked for us.
Hugs, S
Last edited by Seren; 07-14-2018 at 04:25 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Ok, maybe I am being thick-headed (it may be all the meds) but I know I am guilty of some of the infractions listed, but I am going to list some of the things I see all the time and ask for guidance. Most of the things on your list are common sense and perfectly understandable to me, but I am confused about others, especially the advice issue.
1) You should seek counseling, it really helped me as I intrepret the list this should be "Counseling really helped me or my mom or whoever"
2) Please get to an al-anon meeting, this should be "Al-anon really helped me"
3) Please get out of that situation for the sake of your children should be "I left because my children were in danger" or being raised in an alcoholic home was very hard on me"
What about when someone asks for advice, there was a question of safety the other night and I suggested changing the tumblers on the locks because the poster did not have the money to have the locks changed, was giving advice the wrong thing to do in that situation?
Thank you for the help, I want to be an asset rather than a liability to the SR family.
Bill
1) You should seek counseling, it really helped me as I intrepret the list this should be "Counseling really helped me or my mom or whoever"
2) Please get to an al-anon meeting, this should be "Al-anon really helped me"
3) Please get out of that situation for the sake of your children should be "I left because my children were in danger" or being raised in an alcoholic home was very hard on me"
What about when someone asks for advice, there was a question of safety the other night and I suggested changing the tumblers on the locks because the poster did not have the money to have the locks changed, was giving advice the wrong thing to do in that situation?
Thank you for the help, I want to be an asset rather than a liability to the SR family.
Bill
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