Hope44

About 2 weeks ago our 23 year old AD was arrested for possession of narcotics and spent three days in jail. We had no contact with her during this time, though she did try calling, collect. Then when she got out, she stole cash and forged checks, totaling $1300, from her 84 year old grandmother. Just days after the betrayal, grandmother ended up in the ER, diagnosed with heart and kidney failure. Charges were pressed, and AD is recently homeless, having been kicked out of the dorms.

When I first found out what she did to my mother, I did not keep it together so well. I called AD and said through tears, "How could you DO this? You are hurting the people who LOVE you!!!" She didn't say a word and I hung up the phone. She texted me the next morning. "I am sorry. There is nothing else I can say." And she was right. A drug addict's words are empty, and unheard.

Then, a few days later, my daughter called my cell to ask if I could drive her to the police station. I calmly said, "I'm sorry, I can't help you out with that." First of all, I was sitting with my mother right then, who was hooked up to a dialysis machine. I was not going to leave her. Secondly, my daughter must learn to face and figure out her own consequences. That includes finding a ride to the police station.

The next night she called home, and sounded high. She called it 'being depressed' which I'm sure she was, too. She was saying she isn't worth anything to anyone, and that she only hurts everyone. My gut told me she was wanting our sympathy and was hoping we'd invite her home. The invitation was not extended. Instead, hubby and I went for a bike ride.

Yesterday, she rode a bus to the air show where my husband, I, and our son were, and found us there. She had only a backpack with her. We shared our food and drink, we listened to her latest news (ever changing), and told her we love her, but at the end of the day, we dropped her off on a corner by her college. Just heartbreaking to do. I pondered as we pulled away... 'Well if she can't come home, then I'll go to her. I will stay for a night on the streets with her.' I didn't.

Instead, I cried some pretty big tears last night. My husband called her after dark to see if she was okay. She said she was wandering the streets, thirsty, and scared. She added, "Thanks for the sub sandwich, that was SO good." I later asked my husband, "Should we even have called her, so helpless as we are to rescue her?" Strangely, it felt cruel in the end.

Tough love is TOUGH. I am still learning and have been tempted to question myself, "What kind of parent would treat their child the way I've been treating mine (kicking her out, not letting her come home, etc.)? It is no wonder that THIS kind of parent, so seemingly cold-hearted, would raise a drug addict!" But with the light of day, I see the lie. And I recommit myself to do what IS right, not what FEELS right.

My heart goes out to all the moms and dads, and their lost children whom they love. I pray that some wonderful day all these children will know how fervently we stood by them from afar.

Chino

I've recently realized that, for me, tough love has been so damn tough because I was fighting my natural instincts. This came up in conversation with a friend the other day. A dad was sharing with me that he'd let his adult children live with him forever but he knows that's wrong. I told him the fog cleared for me when I remembered my Native culture, and paid attention again to other creatures in our animal kingdom who live by their natural instincts:

There are eagles who nest near me every year. When it's time for the juveniles to fly, the parents lure them out of the nest. They starve them out. They do fly by's with freshly caught dinner in their talons, long enough for their offspring to catch a whiff of it, then fly off to another tree. If the juveniles don't fly, the parents wait until night when they're starving before feeding them. They do it all over again the next day and it usually only takes a few days before the juveniles fly. Then the parents teach them how to hunt their own food.

My friend said he understood; the juveniles would never fly if they weren't coaxed. They'd always stay in the nest with their mouths open because that's all the knew. Some juveniles learn to fly purely by luck (when preparation meets opportunity), such as falling out of the nest when they're strong enough to fly. Or a big gust of wind knocks them out when they're ready. But the parents never kick them out, they always lure them out when it's time. And the juveniles have to be willing to learn to take care of themselves; hunger always takes care of that. If a mature eagle attempts to come back to the nest, the parents always scare them away and feathers literally fly and fall from the sky. It's an amazing thing to watch.

You've not kicked out your daughter. She showed you she was ready to fly every time she flew out the door on her own. What she is showing you is that she's not ready to learn her life lessons yet. Hang in there, Mom. Her wings are not broken and you're doing the right thing

Kindeyes

Hope
Oh my.....this story hits so close to home. We share such a similar pain....I suppose we all do if we love someone who is addicted.

You are walking that fine line between enabling and compassion. And it is a very fine line. You are doing it to the best of your capability. Making the decisions you have made are so very hard and are done out of the great capacity of love that you have for your dear daughter.

She knows you love her. I am so sorry that you are hurting. This stuff hurts so bad. You are allowing her to feel the consequences of her actions. They say "never deny an addict their pain". But it's hard when we feel that in some way we could lessen that pain but to do so would allow them to continue on their path of addiction.

gentle hugs from another Mom who thinks you are doing just fine

ke

Habit

Hope,
I am so sorry for your pain. Being the mother of an addict, I know how you feel. It is the most gut wrenching pain in the world.

As mothers, we love our children with all our hearts. We want to gather them under our wings and protect them from all harm. I tried doing that for years. But, it never worked. Her condition worsened. So did mine.

Doing the right thing is never easy. Rest assured, your daughter knows that you love her. You are a wonderful mother!

Keep on "keeping on'".

Prayers going up for you and your family.

Impurrfect

(((Hope))) as an RA who lived on the streets, I can tell you exactly "what kind of parent does this" - the ones who love their kids enough to let them feel the consequences of their actions.

I know it's not easy, I remember the pain in my dad's face when he would come find me, get me lunch, we'd talk, and then he'd drop me back off in the 'hood where I stayed. A couple times I hid from him, even knowing he'd driven 1-1/2 hours to find me, because I was too ashamed.

I'm now having to detach from my 18-year-old niece who is the closest thing I have to being my own child because she is making really bad decisions. It's hard and it hurts, but I know what it took ME to get to where I am, and I'm not going to take away her right to live life as she chooses, and I'm not going to make things easier for her. She knows she is loved, as does your daughter.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

litehorse

it is so hard loving an addict - especially as a parent - accepting that the very thing you would "normally" do for your child in need is the very opposite thing of you should do is like turning the world upside down and trying to make sense of it - you are doing all you can do to show love to your precious daughter - my prayers will be with you and her as you continue this road together because although you are not allowing her to come home you still love her and have her best interest at heart - when she gets sick and tired of being sick and tired she will appreciate how very much you do love her

hope213

it is hard to turn your back on your kid or your grandson. i feel as if i am cold sometimes & do not have any feelings at all some times. when your child gets clean & sober she will realize that u have done the right things. my son tells me i did by not coming to his rescue. it took me 20yrs to retire from him. & quit paying lawyers & bailing him out of everything. my heart goes out to you but u r doing the right things. prayers,

lonelystar

I too am the mother of a drug user and it seems every step we take just keep getting harder along the way but you seem to be doing so good and have alot of strength I hope things get better for you and your in my prayers

EJG123

I have a 23 yr old AD too. She's been out of my home for a year and has had some of the consequences your daughter had. It is hard but at least you know there are other parents who have walked in your shoes and who can tell you that you will be okay. The pain gets to be less and you learn to cope. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do.

sojourner

Hope44: I find it helpful to read the stories of recovering addicts and how they realized, after the fact, that the best thing their family ever did for them was to let them fall all alone and that anything else just made it easier for them to use.

(((Hugs)))

MsPINKAcres

((hope44))

BIG PINK MOM HUGS!

BeingStill

I understand your pain. I am the mother of an addict, as well. The pain can be crippling. Until she seeks recovery, there honestly isn't anything you can do for her. Please know that you're not alone in this nightmare. Night is the hardest. Sleep is almost impossible. I pray you find some peace.

Ann

Sending hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

It shouldn't be this way, and I am grateful for the members here like Amy who have been on the other side as well, for letting us know that our love means something no matter how much it hurts.

We're standing with you here, wrapping our arms around you and sharing our light.

Keeping your daughter in my prayers, Hope.

Hope44

Thank you for your support. Sometimes the way gets foggy and blurred. Your stories, experience, and words of encouragement bring light and clarity to so much of what goes tossing around in my head. It is helpful to be reminded we are not alone and there is always hope.