Throwing in the towel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Casselberry, FL
Posts: 15
Throwing in the towel
July 18th, I took my AH to detox for the 2nd time this year. He came home that friday with an outpatient appt and lots of brochures. He never went to his appt. At 1st it was because the program was out of network but there was another program in network that he could call. He still hasn't. He's been seriously depressed and very anxious. I've given him as much space as possible to deal with himself. He finally made an appt to see a therapist. His appt is Aug 10th. I have a feeling he won't be going to it. I'm almost certain he relapsed yet again last night. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep trying if he isn't going to. What's the point?
When he's using he's a cold, heartless, selfish jerk and I can't stand him. As with all addicts he thinks only of himself and I get stuck working full time and caring full time for our 4 kids (3 of which are 3 and under) while he figures out how he's going to "get better" everyday. I can't deal with that anymore.
My heart hurts. I don't want to give up my marriage but I don't know this man anymore. I guess I'm coming to the realization that nothing is every going to change. He loves his high more than his family. I can't drag my children down this path anymore. Hell, I can't drag myself down this path anymore. I'm tired. I'm out of patience. I'm done being hurt. I'm just done. Now to figure out the next steps.
When he's using he's a cold, heartless, selfish jerk and I can't stand him. As with all addicts he thinks only of himself and I get stuck working full time and caring full time for our 4 kids (3 of which are 3 and under) while he figures out how he's going to "get better" everyday. I can't deal with that anymore.
My heart hurts. I don't want to give up my marriage but I don't know this man anymore. I guess I'm coming to the realization that nothing is every going to change. He loves his high more than his family. I can't drag my children down this path anymore. Hell, I can't drag myself down this path anymore. I'm tired. I'm out of patience. I'm done being hurt. I'm just done. Now to figure out the next steps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
I understand wanting to throw in the towel. To just say enough is enough. Addiction is such a consuming disease, not only for the addict, but also for the loved ones who are part of the fallout. I KNOW that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. I KNOW that I am powerless over my ALO.
But you know what? Sometimes I forget that I'm NOT powerless over myself.
Our ALOs have choices to make. They can choose to seek recovery. They can choose to use the tools they learned in rehab. They can choose to attend meetings, therapy appointments, work, whatever. They can choose to get well and work hard to stay in recovery. Or... they can choose to do nothing. They can choose to stay in the chaos and the darkness.
But I'm really starting to figure out that I have a choice, too. I have no control over my ALO's choices in life, but that doesn't mean I'm sentenced to this crazy ride along with him. I'm sad that my ALO suffers from addiction. Profoundly sad. I can find compassion for him. I want to support him in recovery. But there's a big difference between being in recovery and simply being clean and sober. Big difference.
He has a life-long illness. Life-long. Recovery is not an accident that happens along the way. There's no magic moment. It's not the luck of the draw or some lottery winning. It's something he has to choose. It's in front of him. Right there. He just has to want it. Want it, then work his ass off to keep it.
And if he doesn't make that choice, then I don't have to live in it just because he's sick. I need to do what's right for me. Right for the healthy children still in my home. Right for my sanity and health.
You have very young children. They really don't have choices here. But you do. I don't know what your husband will choose to do with this opportunity he has for recovery. I pray he makes the right decision. But if he doesn't, you are well-within your own rights to make the right one for yourself and your children. You have the right to throw in the towel.
(((hugs)))
But you know what? Sometimes I forget that I'm NOT powerless over myself.
Our ALOs have choices to make. They can choose to seek recovery. They can choose to use the tools they learned in rehab. They can choose to attend meetings, therapy appointments, work, whatever. They can choose to get well and work hard to stay in recovery. Or... they can choose to do nothing. They can choose to stay in the chaos and the darkness.
But I'm really starting to figure out that I have a choice, too. I have no control over my ALO's choices in life, but that doesn't mean I'm sentenced to this crazy ride along with him. I'm sad that my ALO suffers from addiction. Profoundly sad. I can find compassion for him. I want to support him in recovery. But there's a big difference between being in recovery and simply being clean and sober. Big difference.
He has a life-long illness. Life-long. Recovery is not an accident that happens along the way. There's no magic moment. It's not the luck of the draw or some lottery winning. It's something he has to choose. It's in front of him. Right there. He just has to want it. Want it, then work his ass off to keep it.
And if he doesn't make that choice, then I don't have to live in it just because he's sick. I need to do what's right for me. Right for the healthy children still in my home. Right for my sanity and health.
You have very young children. They really don't have choices here. But you do. I don't know what your husband will choose to do with this opportunity he has for recovery. I pray he makes the right decision. But if he doesn't, you are well-within your own rights to make the right one for yourself and your children. You have the right to throw in the towel.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
AK,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It certainly sounds like your husband is on really thin ice with his recovery, and you are wise to recognize that you cannot make his recovery work for him.
The experiences you describe sound like a bottom to me - I'm a recovering alcoholic btw. It's a painful but necessary part of recovery to have all illusions and delusions stripped away from us, leaving us with the truth as it exists today. I say "as it exists today" because part of the truth is our reluctance to deal with it. We dig our heels in, isolate and spend way too much time obsessing about the problem as opposed to the things we can do to change what exists today.
Try not to think of every potential pitfall from now through the end of the foreseeable future. What are your priorities (e.g. your kids, you sanity, finances, etc.)? What do you have control over in the short term that can protect or nourish these priorities? Try to keep your horizon short, today and the next couple of weeks. If you haven't already, get involved with Al-anon or Nar-anon, what you are going through is not unique and there is a world of experience that you can tap into through those groups.
You and your family are in my prayers.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It certainly sounds like your husband is on really thin ice with his recovery, and you are wise to recognize that you cannot make his recovery work for him.
The experiences you describe sound like a bottom to me - I'm a recovering alcoholic btw. It's a painful but necessary part of recovery to have all illusions and delusions stripped away from us, leaving us with the truth as it exists today. I say "as it exists today" because part of the truth is our reluctance to deal with it. We dig our heels in, isolate and spend way too much time obsessing about the problem as opposed to the things we can do to change what exists today.
Try not to think of every potential pitfall from now through the end of the foreseeable future. What are your priorities (e.g. your kids, you sanity, finances, etc.)? What do you have control over in the short term that can protect or nourish these priorities? Try to keep your horizon short, today and the next couple of weeks. If you haven't already, get involved with Al-anon or Nar-anon, what you are going through is not unique and there is a world of experience that you can tap into through those groups.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
AlleyKat,
You are a strong woman, you have been taking care of yourself and your kids all along. Let your AH, his problems, his addiction, his drama, go for now and only focus on yourself and your kids . . . you've been doing it anyway, just let go of the one negative burden that is dragging you down.
I just wanted to let you know I've read your post, I believe in you and I care about you.
You are a strong woman, you have been taking care of yourself and your kids all along. Let your AH, his problems, his addiction, his drama, go for now and only focus on yourself and your kids . . . you've been doing it anyway, just let go of the one negative burden that is dragging you down.
I just wanted to let you know I've read your post, I believe in you and I care about you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
I feel your pain and indecision. I'm new here (this is my first post) but I have been living with and married to a recovering addict and alcoholic for over a year. It's very difficult. I find myself giving up mentally while still holding on to that sliver of hope. I've discovered that I'm codependent and need some help myself. As difficult as it is, try to detach yourself from his problems. How can you do that when you're his wife? I'm dealing with that myself and wish there were some magic words to make it all better... Keep your head up and try not to let anyone KNOW they hurt you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 38
AlleyKat, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. You have a right to feel how you feel and in my opinion you have a right to express those feelings. You also have the right to stop living how you are living and require better for yourself and your babies. It sounds like you have tried and have done all you can do for him now it's time to do for you and for your kids because you are the only one that can make those choices for them. Love him but love you and your kids more.
Know we are here for you and we support you and recognize your pain.
Know we are here for you and we support you and recognize your pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I am so sorry. Been there done that. I'll never understand why they can't just make an appt and stick to it. Regardless, that is what it takes to start making changes. Apparently he is not ready. Sounds like you are though and I so understand that tired feeling. Maybe he will surprise you and go to the appt, or maybe not. But you can still start getting your life in order.
Take care...
Take care...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 136
Trust yourself, trust your feelings, and trust your decisions. You have made it clear that you cannot go through this cycle again, and I believe that removing yourself and your children from your husband's addiction is what you truly want and need right now. It's hard to make good decisions when our lives are upside down, so by eliminating his addiction from your life, you will be able to make a long term decision with a clear, sound mind.
Protect yourself and your children first, by whatever means necessary. Get your life back because you are worth it.
Good luck - sending lots of love and strength your way.
Protect yourself and your children first, by whatever means necessary. Get your life back because you are worth it.
Good luck - sending lots of love and strength your way.
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