"Relapse" After One Year of No Contact :(
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"Relapse" After One Year of No Contact :(
I did it. I opened the door I sealed shut....Since I had become happy, stronger, wiser... I thought I could handle it. And I did, for about a
week. I wanted to see if he was still alive. Curiosity killed the cat because as soon as I told my family and friends and they were all mad at me.... I've been broken down and stressed and I only have myself to blame.
I am ashamed after all this time and dating and falling for different people, moving, success...I am still torn up over someone who probably doesn't deserve my thoughts. I just hate seeing people suffer...
He begs me to marry him, because he thinks it's the only way he can stay clean. It breaks my heart and yet I really don't want this stress in my life. I'm sick to my stomach at work because I just keep worrying about how what if these new people in my life found out about how I let myself fall in love with a drug addict, move on, and then open the wound once more?
I tried to find a meeting yesterday, was super late and too embarrassed to have eyes on me as a late comer and I just sat there angry and balling that I was here once again!
Dangit. dangit guys... The worst part was I wanted more than anything everyone to be just as happy as
Me when I found he was alive, but 3/4 of the ppl I told started yelling at me.
I hope this makes sense- I'm using my phone
week. I wanted to see if he was still alive. Curiosity killed the cat because as soon as I told my family and friends and they were all mad at me.... I've been broken down and stressed and I only have myself to blame.
I am ashamed after all this time and dating and falling for different people, moving, success...I am still torn up over someone who probably doesn't deserve my thoughts. I just hate seeing people suffer...
He begs me to marry him, because he thinks it's the only way he can stay clean. It breaks my heart and yet I really don't want this stress in my life. I'm sick to my stomach at work because I just keep worrying about how what if these new people in my life found out about how I let myself fall in love with a drug addict, move on, and then open the wound once more?
I tried to find a meeting yesterday, was super late and too embarrassed to have eyes on me as a late comer and I just sat there angry and balling that I was here once again!
Dangit. dangit guys... The worst part was I wanted more than anything everyone to be just as happy as
Me when I found he was alive, but 3/4 of the ppl I told started yelling at me.
I hope this makes sense- I'm using my phone
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound 
I am still torn up over someone who probably doesn't deserve my thoughts. I just hate seeing people suffer...
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Thanks so much guys. Too strong posts containing ideas I have missed.
Ya know I just really need to volunteer, it's hard
With the time issue...
Man I really shame spiraled for awhile there. Let's just say if he were my drug, it was like I exposed myself to it to test and see If I could hear it, see it, taste it, smell it and I spiraled out of control within days...
But then something happened...I felt at the same time as still loving him and wanting to care for him in a motherly way...physically ill with myself.
I "used" in my place. And I'm so disgusted with myself and
How I was so careless with myself and my new life... That I feel like I don't
Want to live here anymore even.
I asked him, just to be sure, if he wanted me to take him to rehab.
Today. I drove there and said I would wait. I thought to myself...don't do this, you know he'll run. He gets scared everytime.
But I went and when he wasn't there on the corner.
I felt honest to goodness relief!
Relief that this persons darkness doesn't have to hang around me and drag me down. Because although there were special moments like holding him when je was withdrawling for a day. Being around him literally makes me feel sick.
I can't breathe, I feel suffocated, confused, and sad when he's around.
Just because I am able to make this man THINK about getting help and I know that there is a level of love and understanding that I may never have with anyone else... Does not mean I need to be around him.
He makes me sick. Laying on me like a child, and thinking I can't feel his heart racing when I ask him straight up what he used the day before.
It makes me sick to think I let him cross boundaries I set up to protect MY LIFE. And even knowing he's still using I thought if I freaking washed his hair like a baby, he'd stop?
It's like a tragicomedy. Really. Really? You thought if you wiped his bottom really good, he'd be a good little boy and go on the potty for mommy next time? It's a hostage situation just for a potty prize. I let a man hold me hostage in exchange for a dirty kiss. Not to mention I had nightmares. Really ******* scary nightmares!
I'm really to hear from you Anvil. And C - I will definitely leave this one up to god.
In the meantime, the world continues to go round and I have plenty of FRESH life to discover, and I noticed too. I stopped laughing as much as soon as broke contact. People who don't even know me that well, started to ask me if I was okay. That and that overbearing, heavy sinking feeling that I really couldn't deny anymore exists whenever he's around really did it for me.
I enjoy having a person in my life who knows me really well and yeah we can laugh every now and again, but the dude
Pulled out a pint and starting pacing as soon as he realized he badly hurts me when he uses...
I need someone open and able to communicate! And not after a pint of gin! * shudders*
Getting back on the horse!
He has my number and knows I would drive him to rehab if HE decides HE wants it. He runs everytime he starts to feel guilty, and I chase him everytime. You know you have a problem when your heart starts racing , thinking about how youre going to tell your support system that "oh, yeah he finally went to rehab...so now we're together"
When someone gives you anxiety, (I've realized this now for even non users)
Run. Run like hell because your body is really telling you something. I think you said that once Anvil. I didn't want to believe it at the time because I figured I was just an anxious person and plus I wanted to believe that the one after xabf was SURELY the one.
Whew. I feel so much better. Because I know I loved someone the best way I could and it still didn't matter. Therefore, NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!
Woo f-ing hoooo!
Ya know I just really need to volunteer, it's hard
With the time issue...
Man I really shame spiraled for awhile there. Let's just say if he were my drug, it was like I exposed myself to it to test and see If I could hear it, see it, taste it, smell it and I spiraled out of control within days...
But then something happened...I felt at the same time as still loving him and wanting to care for him in a motherly way...physically ill with myself.
I "used" in my place. And I'm so disgusted with myself and
How I was so careless with myself and my new life... That I feel like I don't
Want to live here anymore even.
I asked him, just to be sure, if he wanted me to take him to rehab.
Today. I drove there and said I would wait. I thought to myself...don't do this, you know he'll run. He gets scared everytime.
But I went and when he wasn't there on the corner.
I felt honest to goodness relief!
Relief that this persons darkness doesn't have to hang around me and drag me down. Because although there were special moments like holding him when je was withdrawling for a day. Being around him literally makes me feel sick.
I can't breathe, I feel suffocated, confused, and sad when he's around.
Just because I am able to make this man THINK about getting help and I know that there is a level of love and understanding that I may never have with anyone else... Does not mean I need to be around him.
He makes me sick. Laying on me like a child, and thinking I can't feel his heart racing when I ask him straight up what he used the day before.
It makes me sick to think I let him cross boundaries I set up to protect MY LIFE. And even knowing he's still using I thought if I freaking washed his hair like a baby, he'd stop?
It's like a tragicomedy. Really. Really? You thought if you wiped his bottom really good, he'd be a good little boy and go on the potty for mommy next time? It's a hostage situation just for a potty prize. I let a man hold me hostage in exchange for a dirty kiss. Not to mention I had nightmares. Really ******* scary nightmares!
I'm really to hear from you Anvil. And C - I will definitely leave this one up to god.
In the meantime, the world continues to go round and I have plenty of FRESH life to discover, and I noticed too. I stopped laughing as much as soon as broke contact. People who don't even know me that well, started to ask me if I was okay. That and that overbearing, heavy sinking feeling that I really couldn't deny anymore exists whenever he's around really did it for me.
I enjoy having a person in my life who knows me really well and yeah we can laugh every now and again, but the dude
Pulled out a pint and starting pacing as soon as he realized he badly hurts me when he uses...
I need someone open and able to communicate! And not after a pint of gin! * shudders*
Getting back on the horse!
He has my number and knows I would drive him to rehab if HE decides HE wants it. He runs everytime he starts to feel guilty, and I chase him everytime. You know you have a problem when your heart starts racing , thinking about how youre going to tell your support system that "oh, yeah he finally went to rehab...so now we're together"
When someone gives you anxiety, (I've realized this now for even non users)
Run. Run like hell because your body is really telling you something. I think you said that once Anvil. I didn't want to believe it at the time because I figured I was just an anxious person and plus I wanted to believe that the one after xabf was SURELY the one.
Whew. I feel so much better. Because I know I loved someone the best way I could and it still didn't matter. Therefore, NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!
Woo f-ing hoooo!
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MGR
Forgive yourself and move on. I think what you experienced is not so different than what an addict experiences when they relapse. The expose themselves to the persons, places or things that could cause them to relapse. They relapse. They beat themselves up. The realize that they've messed up their "clean date". They feel ashamed. They beat themselves up some more. They tell themselves "I screwed it up" and I don't want to have to admit it to anyone or they'll tell me what a dumba$$ I am so .... screw it.....I'll just keep using.
To you (and to them) I suggest that we can't erase all progress for one incident. It doesn't work that way. We can't say we messed up and therefore a year's worth of good is gone. That year worth of good is still there! It didn't go anywhere. It didn't get erased. Pick yourself up and get back on that recovery horse and keep going.
You stuck your toe in the water and the alligator bit it. Salvage the rest of your toes and know that you didn't make a mistake....you learned a lesson.
And learning is a good thing.
gentle hugs
ke
Forgive yourself and move on. I think what you experienced is not so different than what an addict experiences when they relapse. The expose themselves to the persons, places or things that could cause them to relapse. They relapse. They beat themselves up. The realize that they've messed up their "clean date". They feel ashamed. They beat themselves up some more. They tell themselves "I screwed it up" and I don't want to have to admit it to anyone or they'll tell me what a dumba$$ I am so .... screw it.....I'll just keep using.
To you (and to them) I suggest that we can't erase all progress for one incident. It doesn't work that way. We can't say we messed up and therefore a year's worth of good is gone. That year worth of good is still there! It didn't go anywhere. It didn't get erased. Pick yourself up and get back on that recovery horse and keep going.
You stuck your toe in the water and the alligator bit it. Salvage the rest of your toes and know that you didn't make a mistake....you learned a lesson.
And learning is a good thing.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thank you Kindeyes you are right.
We both knew we were asking for trouble.
I hate to see anybody suffer and I coddled him because he opened up to me.
And I feel sad for the withering away of someone and
I still can't shake the nauseous feeling of self disgust.
I am such a different person now. And I dropped alll of my boundaries like that. On top of being aware that I was headed for dangerous territory.
I haven't been to my therapist in awhile, I have so much explaining to do !
We both knew we were asking for trouble.
I hate to see anybody suffer and I coddled him because he opened up to me.
And I feel sad for the withering away of someone and
I still can't shake the nauseous feeling of self disgust.
I am such a different person now. And I dropped alll of my boundaries like that. On top of being aware that I was headed for dangerous territory.
I haven't been to my therapist in awhile, I have so much explaining to do !
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Marygoround,
This was good for me to read today. I have been lax with my boundaries with my estranged husband and I am paying the emotional price for it this week.
I understand why you felt like you were strong enough to try and contact him but see how that is just an illusion. For you, for me, for any of us. It really is like a drug. I hope that I am finally able to see that I can't use "any of it on any level" without getting really sick really quickly. My serenity and peace of mine go out the door and I feel all sorts of turmoil.
No contact works because it is no contact. I get lulled into thinking that things are better and that it would be ok.....You are not the only one that has done this. I think that the best thing to do is to get back on the horse and get going.....the no contact horse that is....
This was good for me to read today. I have been lax with my boundaries with my estranged husband and I am paying the emotional price for it this week.
I understand why you felt like you were strong enough to try and contact him but see how that is just an illusion. For you, for me, for any of us. It really is like a drug. I hope that I am finally able to see that I can't use "any of it on any level" without getting really sick really quickly. My serenity and peace of mine go out the door and I feel all sorts of turmoil.
No contact works because it is no contact. I get lulled into thinking that things are better and that it would be ok.....You are not the only one that has done this. I think that the best thing to do is to get back on the horse and get going.....the no contact horse that is....
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Im glad u brought this up anvil. Lots to ponder...
I will be talking about this in therapy on saturday. I made the apt. Because I was planning on crying about axbf etc, but after writing so much, I really want to discuss wha happened to bring me back to this place.
What triggered this? And how can I prevent this?
I can think of somethings, but I need help sorting from a professional
I will be talking about this in therapy on saturday. I made the apt. Because I was planning on crying about axbf etc, but after writing so much, I really want to discuss wha happened to bring me back to this place.
What triggered this? And how can I prevent this?
I can think of somethings, but I need help sorting from a professional
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Anvil,
GREAT point.....I know that I get that itch to contact my husband and definitely see that it is to avoid focusing on painful places in me. A little turmoil distracts me from the turmoil and grief, figuring out my own life. It is so addictive and makes so much sense once you see it for what it is.
I had a therapy appt on Wednesday and I told the counselor about how sad I had been up until my husband and I began a series of spars and interactions. The sadness - which is VERY painful for me - disappeared and I was able to use anger/anxiety as my drug to numb the pain from the sadness. Until I found Alanon I never was able to bear the pain and ran to either more chaos or the next man to connect with - generally in an unhealthy way.
I'm glad that you pointed this out. I bet it's helping a whole lot more people than just MGR and myself!!
GREAT point.....I know that I get that itch to contact my husband and definitely see that it is to avoid focusing on painful places in me. A little turmoil distracts me from the turmoil and grief, figuring out my own life. It is so addictive and makes so much sense once you see it for what it is.
I had a therapy appt on Wednesday and I told the counselor about how sad I had been up until my husband and I began a series of spars and interactions. The sadness - which is VERY painful for me - disappeared and I was able to use anger/anxiety as my drug to numb the pain from the sadness. Until I found Alanon I never was able to bear the pain and ran to either more chaos or the next man to connect with - generally in an unhealthy way.
I'm glad that you pointed this out. I bet it's helping a whole lot more people than just MGR and myself!!
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Yeah... This all around sucks. Therapy today went well,
She's going to be gone for a week so I need to hang in there and not contact.
Were continuing our work. A mont ago, I was driving down the highway with a smile on my face.
Now, I am like a zombie. Incredibly sad, I know I can get through it. I did for a year. And I'll admit there were nights sometimes I'd miss him
So much I'd cry my eyes out, and then THAT pain subsided when I met a med student who was lovely but also unavailable...( funny from street doctor to being home to mom real live doctor)
So maybe I never entirely worked through it. I did feel really happy at times and a peace that I know isn't possible with constant contact.
I had some stress in my life, coupled with another unavailable man with whom I broke it off ( I thought, hmmm this feels oddly familiar... Buh-bye !)
And then some loneliness.
And then the questions from friends... And then I played that stupid cd he made me which completely broke me down.
Im trying to tell myself its better this way, cause even if he got clean or whatever I'm sure there would be resentment there...
But yeah me and said therapist agreed that one of the reasons I am so "attracted" to him is because I really believe that no one would be able to understand me and my baggage.
I guess I've never been able to admit that I feel like I've been an outsider/ alone for my whole life...
Being creative, sensitive, but yet someone that plenty of men seem to see as some stupid girl to hit on at the bar...I'm a really deep person and because of the whole fashion thing...Im pretty or whatever and it just makes me feel weird . I feel like people don't understand me. I model, like men aren't hard to come by, somehow it makes me feel even more isolated because I feel misunderstood and objectified.
The ex in some ways I feel like really knows all of my flaws and we like each other cause were creative and two weirdos...and our relationship was never really sexual. Which, is rare for a 23 year old I guess.
I'm rambling, this prolly sounds really whiny,,, like you poor overpriceledged little girl lol,
But I've experienced all kinds of abuse and idk I'm not a pollyana.
I just wanted to vent. Beats contacting. I feel like crap, I want to cry, but I was smart an decided to visit my neice an nephew to make me smile. This does feel like coming down in a way.
Ugh. Week one. This sucks!
She's going to be gone for a week so I need to hang in there and not contact.
Were continuing our work. A mont ago, I was driving down the highway with a smile on my face.
Now, I am like a zombie. Incredibly sad, I know I can get through it. I did for a year. And I'll admit there were nights sometimes I'd miss him
So much I'd cry my eyes out, and then THAT pain subsided when I met a med student who was lovely but also unavailable...( funny from street doctor to being home to mom real live doctor)
So maybe I never entirely worked through it. I did feel really happy at times and a peace that I know isn't possible with constant contact.
I had some stress in my life, coupled with another unavailable man with whom I broke it off ( I thought, hmmm this feels oddly familiar... Buh-bye !)
And then some loneliness.
And then the questions from friends... And then I played that stupid cd he made me which completely broke me down.
Im trying to tell myself its better this way, cause even if he got clean or whatever I'm sure there would be resentment there...
But yeah me and said therapist agreed that one of the reasons I am so "attracted" to him is because I really believe that no one would be able to understand me and my baggage.
I guess I've never been able to admit that I feel like I've been an outsider/ alone for my whole life...
Being creative, sensitive, but yet someone that plenty of men seem to see as some stupid girl to hit on at the bar...I'm a really deep person and because of the whole fashion thing...Im pretty or whatever and it just makes me feel weird . I feel like people don't understand me. I model, like men aren't hard to come by, somehow it makes me feel even more isolated because I feel misunderstood and objectified.
The ex in some ways I feel like really knows all of my flaws and we like each other cause were creative and two weirdos...and our relationship was never really sexual. Which, is rare for a 23 year old I guess.
I'm rambling, this prolly sounds really whiny,,, like you poor overpriceledged little girl lol,
But I've experienced all kinds of abuse and idk I'm not a pollyana.
I just wanted to vent. Beats contacting. I feel like crap, I want to cry, but I was smart an decided to visit my neice an nephew to make me smile. This does feel like coming down in a way.
Ugh. Week one. This sucks!
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Thanks nerdy!
I am actually pretty sick.
Surprise that week put me on overdrive! Haha I was already struggling
To keep up with my own life... Went on a wild camping trip last weekend
And not to mention the not being able to breathe for the two weeks I was in contact.
So although I feel like death, I am really happy that I am laying in bed with "the art of extreme self-care" because I really needed some rest.
I think it'd be really wise to really do some soul searching (again) and devote a whole year to taking "extreme care" of myself. The book is great so far and Im pretty sure its a month by month guide.
I'm having deja vu writing this, probably because it's a lesson that in haven't accepted yet, but I need to do things for me! If that means staying home on Saturday night and painting... That doesnt make me a loser, lol.
because I am so much wiser this time around I am
Doing okay, but my eyes still well up with the idea of never speaking to K again.
He's extremely sweet in a way I've never known, and it breaks my heart because I'll sincerely miss the artist comradery. But I made it once without that, I can do it again. And I know there are appreciative people and creative people that are good for me
Out there I have to repeat "I don't need
Him .I don't even need a man" in my head...
Thanks!
I am actually pretty sick.
Surprise that week put me on overdrive! Haha I was already struggling
To keep up with my own life... Went on a wild camping trip last weekend
And not to mention the not being able to breathe for the two weeks I was in contact.
So although I feel like death, I am really happy that I am laying in bed with "the art of extreme self-care" because I really needed some rest.
I think it'd be really wise to really do some soul searching (again) and devote a whole year to taking "extreme care" of myself. The book is great so far and Im pretty sure its a month by month guide.
I'm having deja vu writing this, probably because it's a lesson that in haven't accepted yet, but I need to do things for me! If that means staying home on Saturday night and painting... That doesnt make me a loser, lol.
because I am so much wiser this time around I am
Doing okay, but my eyes still well up with the idea of never speaking to K again.
He's extremely sweet in a way I've never known, and it breaks my heart because I'll sincerely miss the artist comradery. But I made it once without that, I can do it again. And I know there are appreciative people and creative people that are good for me
Out there
I have to repeat "I don't needHim .I don't even need a man" in my head...
Thanks!
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound
It's like a tragicomedy. Really. Really? You thought if you wiped his bottom really good, he'd be a good little boy and go on the potty for mommy next time? It's a hostage situation just for a potty prize.
This is a keeper.
He has my number and knows I would drive him to rehab if HE decides HE wants it.
Is he disabled? He will crawl to rehab when and if he decides he wants it.
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I knowwww , ur right.
Crazy thing when was flapping his gums about " I'll get clean if you marry me.
I want a girl and I would get clean for her"
So sad he really believes this!
But I said " well I'm going to need you to go rehab so I have some kind of proof"
He said, "sweetheart, I'm not doing it for you"
And I kept my mouth shut after that. Comments like that kept me hooked for a few days, I thought o maybe this
Guy knows what he's talking about, lol.
I don't want to be the target of any resentment so maybe I am better off even if he were to get himself together COMPLETELY... Ugh I just want to be there to see him be happy
But I feel like I am doing okay. It's really the "never again" thing I don't like.
Crazy thing when was flapping his gums about " I'll get clean if you marry me.
I want a girl and I would get clean for her"
So sad he really believes this!
But I said " well I'm going to need you to go rehab so I have some kind of proof"
He said, "sweetheart, I'm not doing it for you"
And I kept my mouth shut after that. Comments like that kept me hooked for a few days, I thought o maybe this
Guy knows what he's talking about, lol.
I don't want to be the target of any resentment so maybe I am better off even if he were to get himself together COMPLETELY... Ugh I just want to be there to see him be happy
But I feel like I am doing okay. It's really the "never again" thing I don't like.
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Lol. **** anvil, idk...
I think I know where you're going with this...
I want to see him happy, I guess maybe there are moments when were together were he's not using and he seems happy
So in some way it be like... Okay you're enough to make me happy.
But even if we never speak again, I'd still wish happiness...
But I'd want to see it, because that would mean...
That there is hope for the hopeless? Idk.
I think I know where you're going with this...
I want to see him happy, I guess maybe there are moments when were together were he's not using and he seems happy
So in some way it be like... Okay you're enough to make me happy.
But even if we never speak again, I'd still wish happiness...
But I'd want to see it, because that would mean...
That there is hope for the hopeless? Idk.
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So, you are now back in the trenches with him, and scratching around to find the good in him and of coarse save him.
To be 100% honest, I am not following your reasoning, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, however,if you really cannot let him go, then accept him for who he is, an addict and go forward with your relationship, no reason to keep trying to fight your need to be with him. Give it your best shot, perhaps you do have the power to save him from himself.
I am not saying this to be a smart A, as I do know of several people who have stayed with their addict for over 20 years, I won't comment on whether or not they are happy, all I know is that they made the choice to stay, and continue to fight the battle, and, that is their choice.
It is your life, only you know what is best for you.
To be 100% honest, I am not following your reasoning, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, however,if you really cannot let him go, then accept him for who he is, an addict and go forward with your relationship, no reason to keep trying to fight your need to be with him. Give it your best shot, perhaps you do have the power to save him from himself.
I am not saying this to be a smart A, as I do know of several people who have stayed with their addict for over 20 years, I won't comment on whether or not they are happy, all I know is that they made the choice to stay, and continue to fight the battle, and, that is their choice.
It is your life, only you know what is best for you.
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Ughhh. I think I have too much pride to do that Dolly.
Do I want to be with an addict? No.
Do I want to be seen with an addict ? No.
Do I want an addict in my house? No.
Do I want to be ignored, wondering for days if this time something happened and he's dead? No.
Does this stop me from wanting to contact? No. Lol...
I mean it does overall. But I just want to be like, " you're sure?"
You're absolutely sure that, you're going to choose this life you supposedly hate over helping yourself like part of you wants to?
But I guess I already know the answer...
If it were different it would be.
But then you hear stories about how a friend says alright man, this is enough let's go to rehab right now. And somehow maybe the addict is at their bottom, they agree, go, get clean and work on recovery.
In some ways I know I'm feeling like, have I really done everything I possibly can?
Which is foolish. But I really want to ask " are you sure?" today.
Do I want to be with an addict? No.
Do I want to be seen with an addict ? No.
Do I want an addict in my house? No.
Do I want to be ignored, wondering for days if this time something happened and he's dead? No.
Does this stop me from wanting to contact? No. Lol...
I mean it does overall. But I just want to be like, " you're sure?"
You're absolutely sure that, you're going to choose this life you supposedly hate over helping yourself like part of you wants to?
But I guess I already know the answer...
If it were different it would be.
But then you hear stories about how a friend says alright man, this is enough let's go to rehab right now. And somehow maybe the addict is at their bottom, they agree, go, get clean and work on recovery.
In some ways I know I'm feeling like, have I really done everything I possibly can?
Which is foolish. But I really want to ask " are you sure?" today.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
Mary, the thing is, there is nothing for YOU to do, hun. It's up to him. It's all him and only him. You've given him chances, you've made offers for transportation, you even set up a time to pick him up to take him to rehab. He didn't show. That's your answer. He wants to be an addict. You don't want to be with an addict.
I know... Your mind says one thing but your heart yearns for something else.
I know... Your mind says one thing but your heart yearns for something else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
I know, but are you sure? Lol.
the finality is something I'll always struggle with.
I'm itching bad today. I'm cycling through it
All I think, between sadness, not caring working on me, and back again to wanting to contact.
Man they hook you real good.
the finality is something I'll always struggle with.I'm itching bad today. I'm cycling through it
All I think, between sadness, not caring working on me, and back again to wanting to contact.
Man they hook you real good.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
OK OK FINE - Just Good Gravy already -
I wasn't going to post about this - I wasn't going to reply to you Mary - but your thread just keeps coming up and so OK God I get it -
I'll share my e, s, & h - even tho - I'd really rather not - lol
Mary - I don't think you know my story - it's pretty much the same as everyone else -
married to an alcohol & drug addict for over 10 yrs
then he gets "sober" for a few yrs (he wasn't truly clean & sober but he did try)
I got into Al-Anon - we tried to make our marriage work
he relapsed horribly
I tried to stay
I found I couldn't live with the active disease
we divorce it was UGLY
but I made it thru
We have been apart since 2008 ~ my ex ah still won't leave me alone - even tho I'm remarried and moved out of town.
I found out this week my ex has been in jail for over a month now - his daughter said "Maw it's the best thing for him - he so needed to dry out - he's been over the edge for a long time now"
Instantly my mind started racing about what things could have been done for him ~ he won our house & property in the divorce battle - why didn't he use it to bond out? blah, blah, blah, quack quack quack
All these ducks to get in a row - wait - THEY ARE NOT MY DUCKS!
The knee jerk reaction is still there sometimes ~ the blessing is that I don't have to act on those reactions.
I kinda beat myself up for having the thoughts - but thoughts are normal, I truly gave myself kuddos because I realized I was free from that life ~ I had an immense amount of gratitude that I didn't receive the calls from the jail to go get him this time, no calls for money, a lawyer, etc.
Yes for a few seconds ~ I too had those thoughts about what should I do - then I remembered - he had the ability, dignity and self-respect to take care of himself because I had walked away to give that to him - Why would I be an indian giver and take that away?
My Higher Power had delivered me from that chaos and has given me a life that is Happy, Joyous and PINKFULLY Free - why would I refuse that gift?
So my friend, Mary, I do understand the feelings and reactions - please just know that in time, it does get easier to say - "I pray he finds his path" and truly mean it.
PINK HUGS to you,
Rita
I wasn't going to post about this - I wasn't going to reply to you Mary - but your thread just keeps coming up and so OK God I get it -
I'll share my e, s, & h - even tho - I'd really rather not - lol
Mary - I don't think you know my story - it's pretty much the same as everyone else -
married to an alcohol & drug addict for over 10 yrs
then he gets "sober" for a few yrs (he wasn't truly clean & sober but he did try)
I got into Al-Anon - we tried to make our marriage work
he relapsed horribly
I tried to stay
I found I couldn't live with the active disease
we divorce it was UGLY
but I made it thru
We have been apart since 2008 ~ my ex ah still won't leave me alone - even tho I'm remarried and moved out of town.
I found out this week my ex has been in jail for over a month now - his daughter said "Maw it's the best thing for him - he so needed to dry out - he's been over the edge for a long time now"
Instantly my mind started racing about what things could have been done for him ~ he won our house & property in the divorce battle - why didn't he use it to bond out? blah, blah, blah, quack quack quack
All these ducks to get in a row - wait - THEY ARE NOT MY DUCKS!
The knee jerk reaction is still there sometimes ~ the blessing is that I don't have to act on those reactions.
I kinda beat myself up for having the thoughts - but thoughts are normal, I truly gave myself kuddos because I realized I was free from that life ~ I had an immense amount of gratitude that I didn't receive the calls from the jail to go get him this time, no calls for money, a lawyer, etc.
Yes for a few seconds ~ I too had those thoughts about what should I do - then I remembered - he had the ability, dignity and self-respect to take care of himself because I had walked away to give that to him - Why would I be an indian giver and take that away?
My Higher Power had delivered me from that chaos and has given me a life that is Happy, Joyous and PINKFULLY Free - why would I refuse that gift?
So my friend, Mary, I do understand the feelings and reactions - please just know that in time, it does get easier to say - "I pray he finds his path" and truly mean it.
PINK HUGS to you,
Rita
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