Anything to NOT say to addict spouse?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Anything to NOT say to addict spouse?
Hello,
One thing I've learned after being married for 7 years (not that long I know) and together with her for 11, is that when having difficult conversations about our marital troubles, I can easily get angry or intentionally say something that makes my wife angry.
When dealing with an active addict, especially one who is in 100% denial of a problem, are there any topics or paths of conversation to ABSOLUTELY avoid?
I apologize if it is a stupid question, but after reading this forum for almost 2 years, I find that all these characteristics about addiction and codependency fit my wife and I perfectly.
Some easy examples are not accepting excuses and not budging on boundaries. Just curious if there are other tips.
Thanks.....
Tyler
One thing I've learned after being married for 7 years (not that long I know) and together with her for 11, is that when having difficult conversations about our marital troubles, I can easily get angry or intentionally say something that makes my wife angry.
When dealing with an active addict, especially one who is in 100% denial of a problem, are there any topics or paths of conversation to ABSOLUTELY avoid?
I apologize if it is a stupid question, but after reading this forum for almost 2 years, I find that all these characteristics about addiction and codependency fit my wife and I perfectly.
Some easy examples are not accepting excuses and not budging on boundaries. Just curious if there are other tips.
Thanks.....
Tyler
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Tyler312 
When dealing with an active addict, especially one who is in 100% denial of a problem, are there any topics or paths of conversation to ABSOLUTELY avoid?
It's impossible to reason with a drug and a hijacked brain.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Tyler))
I learned one of the best things in dealing with anyone - not only addicts/alcoholics
Mean what you say
say what you mean
but DON'T say it MEAN
to me this meant to STOP name calling.
I had a horrible habit of name calling - not only to my now exah, but to myself also
Now really does that sound very respectful to anyone??
NO and I really hate that I did that for many years!
Just something that I feel allows both parties to keep their dignity and self-respect.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I learned one of the best things in dealing with anyone - not only addicts/alcoholics
Mean what you say
say what you mean
but DON'T say it MEAN
to me this meant to STOP name calling.
I had a horrible habit of name calling - not only to my now exah, but to myself also
Now really does that sound very respectful to anyone??
NO and I really hate that I did that for many years!
Just something that I feel allows both parties to keep their dignity and self-respect.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by cynical one
As in any marriage, no name calling, treat each other with respect, be true to your word, don’t involve the children or argue in front of them, try to see the other persons point of view, don’t tell them what they must do, avoid using “you” statements, apologize and accept apologies gracefully.
All things that my AW does.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
My question is, what are you getting out of the marriage at this point?
This is the main reason for my question. Sorry if it seems silly, but I tend to over-analyze things and was just curious.
No conversation will ever be perfect, I just want to make the next hellish and inevitable conversation somewhat stable.
To get back to your question more directly, I have decided the divorce path is the only option. We have been there before. One time the police came (I called). I'm trying to avoid that type of conversation. Granted, she was drunk and on some kind of med at the time. Lately I try to take a "sick day" and talk to her shortly after she wakes up.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by anvilhead
Lately I try to take a "sick day" and talk to her shortly after she wakes up.
and say WHAT exactly Tyler?
and say WHAT exactly Tyler?
Well that's the problem isn't it? At least for me it is....
That doesn't happen often; I am slow to resolve things. But something like "here's the problem, here's what I need to do... blah blah blah"
Once again... I tend to over-analyze things. Sorry!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
No conversation will ever be perfect, I just want to make the next hellish and inevitable conversation somewhat stable.
I tried to have "reasonable" conversations until I was blue in the face. As long as she is using, it ain't gonna happen. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I am speaking from my own experiences. I craved reasonable and rational conversations. It was a mute point.
I'm legally separated from my AH. I told him about it before I did it. Just simply told him. Then he got the papers served to him. He didn't think I would do it...and I think was in denial till we went through the process! And then, nothing changed after. You have to make the decision for YOU. It has to be that you are ready to move on and just do it. You can't make this type of decision to change her. You have to make peace with yourself about it.
Just my two cents...
I tried to have "reasonable" conversations until I was blue in the face. As long as she is using, it ain't gonna happen. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I am speaking from my own experiences. I craved reasonable and rational conversations. It was a mute point.
I'm legally separated from my AH. I told him about it before I did it. Just simply told him. Then he got the papers served to him. He didn't think I would do it...and I think was in denial till we went through the process! And then, nothing changed after. You have to make the decision for YOU. It has to be that you are ready to move on and just do it. You can't make this type of decision to change her. You have to make peace with yourself about it.
Just my two cents...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 136
Tyler,
The biggest mistake that I make when speaking to my addicted spouse is asking him "How could YOU do this to ME?" and "If you loved ME, YOU would stop."
The reality is that he is NOT doing this to me, his addiction is NOT about ME, it's about HIM. HE is hurting himself, and it has nothing to do with how he feels about me. That was the most difficult thing for me to accept, but now that I know he isn't abusing drugs because of me, I'm coping with the situation in a much healthier way.
The worst thing I've said to my bf is "This is MY house and I will _____ if I want to." (yeah, said that last one when I suspected he was shooting up in the bathroom. he tried to stop me from searching, and that came out of my mouth. My House? What was I thinking? It's our house.) Although I didn't intend to hurt him with those words, they did hit him pretty hard. I don't want him thinking that he is living in a place where he is not welcome, and labeling the house as MINE was not the right thing to do.
Other than that, just try not to criticize HER for her actions. Addiction is a disease, and the disease is what you are angry and hurt by, not your wife. You can tell her that you are hurt by what the addiction is doing to her, but don't say that she is hurting you.
Hope that helped. Good luck!
The biggest mistake that I make when speaking to my addicted spouse is asking him "How could YOU do this to ME?" and "If you loved ME, YOU would stop."
The reality is that he is NOT doing this to me, his addiction is NOT about ME, it's about HIM. HE is hurting himself, and it has nothing to do with how he feels about me. That was the most difficult thing for me to accept, but now that I know he isn't abusing drugs because of me, I'm coping with the situation in a much healthier way.
The worst thing I've said to my bf is "This is MY house and I will _____ if I want to." (yeah, said that last one when I suspected he was shooting up in the bathroom. he tried to stop me from searching, and that came out of my mouth. My House? What was I thinking? It's our house.) Although I didn't intend to hurt him with those words, they did hit him pretty hard. I don't want him thinking that he is living in a place where he is not welcome, and labeling the house as MINE was not the right thing to do.
Other than that, just try not to criticize HER for her actions. Addiction is a disease, and the disease is what you are angry and hurt by, not your wife. You can tell her that you are hurt by what the addiction is doing to her, but don't say that she is hurting you.
Hope that helped. Good luck!
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
she can't and won't validate anything for you.......and you don't need her permission. - No truer words were said!!!
I found for myself, I wanted to "talk" really meant I wanted my exah to make everything OK. I thought maybe (somehow, someway) we'd talk, and he would say something that would make everything better. And, perhaps things weren't as bad as I thought (knew in my heart) they were.
Truth, it was just a delaying tactic I employed when I was scared to take the next step.
It is important, however, to remember its not your spouse's job to make you feel OK with how things are...you are the only one who can do that...and sometimes that means things have to change.
I found for myself, I wanted to "talk" really meant I wanted my exah to make everything OK. I thought maybe (somehow, someway) we'd talk, and he would say something that would make everything better. And, perhaps things weren't as bad as I thought (knew in my heart) they were.
Truth, it was just a delaying tactic I employed when I was scared to take the next step.
It is important, however, to remember its not your spouse's job to make you feel OK with how things are...you are the only one who can do that...and sometimes that means things have to change.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Originally Posted by artist83
The worst thing I've said to my bf is "This is MY house and I will _____ if I want to."
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Tyler))
if you are fairly certain that the divorce path is the choice you are going to make due to the unhealthiness of this marriage - I would suggest contacting your attorney for just informational purposes and a little advice.
Not sure where you live and each state differs ~ Louisiana has HORRID community property laws and NO LAWS to protect the spouse of an alcoholic/addict!!!
In the end of the battle - there is NOTHING material (house, money, vehicles, retirement, etc) worth our sanity or safety but sometimes it is wise to know our options so that we may make the most informed choices.
Just a suggestion from someone who has walked that path and learned a few lessons - doesn't mean you have to file any paperwork - just means you can know where you stand and how to protect yourself
Wishing you the best and many days of Peace, serenity, hope and laughter ~ those types of days do come - I promise!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
if you are fairly certain that the divorce path is the choice you are going to make due to the unhealthiness of this marriage - I would suggest contacting your attorney for just informational purposes and a little advice.
Not sure where you live and each state differs ~ Louisiana has HORRID community property laws and NO LAWS to protect the spouse of an alcoholic/addict!!!
In the end of the battle - there is NOTHING material (house, money, vehicles, retirement, etc) worth our sanity or safety but sometimes it is wise to know our options so that we may make the most informed choices.
Just a suggestion from someone who has walked that path and learned a few lessons - doesn't mean you have to file any paperwork - just means you can know where you stand and how to protect yourself
Wishing you the best and many days of Peace, serenity, hope and laughter ~ those types of days do come - I promise!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
Sorry this thread is getting a little old, but wanted to respond to a few things.
The short answer is it has been a problem for at least 2 years, but probably longer.
To explain more, there were hints of a problem early on in our relationship (10 years ago); my last few pills from an injury disappearing and a little too much pot use. That stuff ended and things were normal for about 5-6 years. Then she started on some prescriptions in 2009 and it became obvious there was a problem. The thing is, within 2-3 days of starting her prescription she was misusing the medicine. To me that suggests this may have been going on for a lot longer.
I also contacted an attorney several months ago, just to get some knowledge. At this point I am pretty much just waiting to pull the trigger.
And regarding pulling the trigger, I am being extremely indecisive between waiting (I have plans the next two weekends that I don't want to get ruined) and just doing it. I know I need to deal with this, but I'm just trying to keep it together a little while longer. The problem with waiting is she hasn't been very stable so I feel there could be a major blowout/argument any day.
No need to respond to that last paragraph... just venting.
-Tyler
Originally Posted by artist83
If you don't mind me asking, how long has your wife been an addict? Is this something that has recently happened or has it been going on throughout your entire relationship?
To explain more, there were hints of a problem early on in our relationship (10 years ago); my last few pills from an injury disappearing and a little too much pot use. That stuff ended and things were normal for about 5-6 years. Then she started on some prescriptions in 2009 and it became obvious there was a problem. The thing is, within 2-3 days of starting her prescription she was misusing the medicine. To me that suggests this may have been going on for a lot longer.
I also contacted an attorney several months ago, just to get some knowledge. At this point I am pretty much just waiting to pull the trigger.
And regarding pulling the trigger, I am being extremely indecisive between waiting (I have plans the next two weekends that I don't want to get ruined) and just doing it. I know I need to deal with this, but I'm just trying to keep it together a little while longer. The problem with waiting is she hasn't been very stable so I feel there could be a major blowout/argument any day.
No need to respond to that last paragraph... just venting.
-Tyler
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I've found that it is impossible to have a reasonable conversation with an active addict. When RABF was still using, I'd try to talk to him--reason with him. It doesn't work. He was living in his own drug haze, and so he didn't have a sense of the reasonable. He would make excuses for everything. Plus, a lot of what he said was a lie.
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