I need to know the right things to say...

Old 07-31-2011, 08:49 PM
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I need to know the right things to say...

My very close friend's brother passed away suddenly last night. He was young (early thirties) with a long history of drug addiction and abuse. The family had slowly created boundaries over the years with regards to his addiction, and by last November they had terminated all contact with him.

My friend was the last one out of the family to cut ties with her brother. He routinely came to her house for dinner with her husband and kids, and deal was no going there high or drugging in her house. He blew that, and she ended contact right then and there.

Obviously she is devastated by his death, but she keeps telling me how guilty she feels cutting contact with him and that the last words she spoke to him was 'don't contact me again'. He didn't. He died alone in his apartment, and the guilt of this is overwhelming her.

I'm trying to find the right words to say to her when the issue of guilt comes up....and I feel like I'm fumbling. It pains me greatly to see her in so much emotional pain, and I need a bit of support with the right words for her. Hoping you amazing people on SR could nudge me in the right direction. Thanks, guys.
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Old 08-01-2011, 06:57 AM
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Guilt protects a fantasy that she/they could have saved him. Reality is drugs/lifestyle killed him, not " no contact".

Your friend could probably benefit from grief counseling.

As to what to say....."I am so sorry for your loss-drugs are terrible" comes to mind.
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Old 08-01-2011, 07:23 AM
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It's hard to find words of support when someone is grieving. We want to relieve their pain but there is no way that we can do that. Facing the death of someone we love dearly is painful and there is no way around that.

Talk to her. Listen to her. Hug her. Just being there for her will mean more to her than anything.

Although I don't know what the future holds for my addicted son, I recognize that death is a high possibility. Addicts don't fear death. They fear life without drugs. I'm sure that your friend recognized that death was a possibility for her brother. That doesn't make it easier. Her guilt feelings are a part of the grieving process. Time is what will resolve her guilt feelings. She didn't cause it, she couldn't control it and she couldn't cure it. Her love, as great as it is, was not that powerful.

When someone dies that we love dearly, we want to talk about them. We just want someone to listen. We want to know that someone cares that we are hurting so badly.

Your friend is lucky to have such a good friend in you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-01-2011, 09:00 AM
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My heart goes out to you, your friend, and her family. I'm sure she is blaming herself right now, thinking that if she would have just held on a little longer, this wouldn't have happened. But in all honesty, it probably would have happened even if she had not cut those ties.

I am constantly worrying about my boyfriend, who is addicted to and abusing Oxycontin. I used to cry, beg, plead for him to stop using, but now I just remove myself from the situation when I find him using. I leave the house, get away from him so I don't react in an unhealthy way, but the entire time I am gone, I worry that he's shooting up. I panic, imagining myself coming home and finding him dead on the bathroom floor. I feel like I need to go back and check on him, like I'm responsible for his safety.

I told this to my therapist last week and she told me that he is going to use and abuse whether I am there or I'm not. The truth is that an addict is going to keep using and abusing drugs regardless of who is there for him/her. My bf uses when I'm there and he uses when I'm gone, and I've realized that if something happens to him (and I pray every day that it never comes to that), IT IS NOT MY FAULT. He is in control of his own life and there is nothing that can change that. Nothing that I say or do will make him stop, and I shouldn't feel responsible for his well-being. The only person who I can take responsibility for is ME.

If your friend would have remained a part of her brother's life, it wouldn't have made a difference in terms of his drug addiction. She did what she felt was necessary to protect and take care of herself, and she should not feel guilty about her decision. He chose to use drugs, and there was nothing that she could have done to stop him from using.

I also agree with Outtolunch about your friend seeing a grief counselor. Seeing someone with experience in this area may be the key to her recovery from this awful situation.

I hope this helped. Good luck.
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:48 PM
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Sounds like she did all that she could...all the way up to being the last in the family feeding him, etc. She is not alone in cutting contact, just the last one to. If her analogy were true then everyone in the family is at fault. But sadly, he knew what needed to happen. It is so heartbreaking to hear this. So many addicted ones die alone. My dad did. It's not something you ever want to happen to someone you love. I would tell her to try and remember the good times, focus on those good moments and in time the pain will begin to go away. It just takes a very long time.
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