Greenwood1

I think my extended family and I need some guidelines. First of all, I am not new to addiction. My father was an alcohaulic anda million years ago I did go to al anon. I don't plan on going back for this situation and as I write my short saga you may see why.
My step sister married a guy who turned out to be a crack addict. We were shocked (and it takes a lot to shock me because of my background i am very suspicious). Her husband went into treatment only after threats of being kicked out of the family (not by my stepsister of course, but by the rest of the family). Probably a wrong move but we were disgusted. They have young children and where we live, having crack in the house is grounds for family court and the state taking custody of your kids.
After a week in a treatment center my step brother in law drove home ALONE (his wife was on vacation) and it turned out he got high the entire drive home. From there he did some time in a half way house where he could come and go and would often go and get high. Now one year later he is supposedly "clean". Yet he is often jumpy and jittery and often disappears. Sometimes for bike rides (and yet the bike is in the garage). He has told us that his counselor said that he can drink alcohol. I find this VERY odd and as I mentioned on another thread....well, maybe I am behind the times. I had always heard booze could be the trigger to weaken inhibitions and make it easier to relapse. So now when we do see him, my step dad makes him martinis!!!!! I feel like I am living in upside down land.
I don't trust him. In fact, I don't like him. I don't trust him near my kids and I worry about my nieces and nephews (being in the car and being with someone who puts his drugs before them). I have to always be alert he is not alone with my kids because I worry he will make some idiotic decision that will put them in harms way. I hate being around him because I think he is lying to us and now, I am angry at my stepsister for being so co-dependent and not protecting her children. O.K. thanks for listening to my uncharitable vent.
So what do I do? I have to see him holidays. I run from him so I am not cornered by him and have to listen to him talk about his meditation (he does not do 12 steps nor goes to meetings or gets any support except for this supposed counselor who says he can drink safely). I feel powerless to protect my niece and nephew and I don't even know if/when he is using. I just suspect he is (why so jittery? Why disappearing with crazy stories? why lie so much?). Can you get clean from crack so easily without support and working SOME kind of program?

We don't live in the same city so my contact is limited but I don't feel the same way about my stepsister as I used to--I have lost respect for her

O.K. so now that i have vented more.....what does the extended family do if anything? He was sort of excommunicated from the extended family until he was "clean" for a year. Now the year is up and well, I don't think he is clean but i have no proof he is or is not. Do we just go along with the charade and wait until other shoe drops (but what if it drops because there is a tragedy with the kids?). There is NO reasoning with my stepsister. She is in total denial and doesn't even think crack is that serious of a drug (even though her husband went through about 25K in their savings and was staying in crack dens doing god knows what). She even used it herself one night while the kids were upstairs sleeping. What does the family do? NOthing as a family? Just not pour him drinks at events? Be blunt? This seems so different from my dad's drinking. It seems more insidious because it is hard to know if he is using. He can go binge on a "bike ride" and then come home and sleep and we have no proof. Besides Christmas, must I see him? I don't want to.

outtolunch

Stepsister sounds like she is addicted, too.

You have no proof so this is a tough one. Make a call to Child Protective Division and get their take on the situation. In the meantime, how old are the kids? Are they old enough to dial you or some other responsible family member ( not the martini guy) if they become afraid?

artist83

Wow, this is a tough one. Sorry that you are having to go through this. While I was getting my my bachelor's degree, I found out that a very good friend of mine was smoking crack, but I didn't think it was a big deal. When you go to a university in a big city (New Orleans for me), you hear about and see so many people using various drugs, so after a while nothing seems like a big deal. Boy was I wrong.

Crack is an extremely addictive drug and it is extremely difficult to stop using it. I watch my friend change from a fun loving guy who loved life to a hermit who stayed at home 90% of the day to smoke crack in his bathroom (he lived with his parents, and they had no idea that he was using), and when he went to work, he would smoke in the bathroom there too. He would say he was going to the grocery to get something and wouldn't come back for hours. He was out of control, and after I stopped associating with him, I ran into his brother and he said that he had finally checked himself into a rehab facility (after a year of using). Not sure what happened to him after that, but I just couldn't deal with his addiction. It was so overwhelming for me, so I can imagine how difficult this must be on you.

I hate to say this, but your stepsister probably knew he used crack before they were married, especially if she didn't freak out about his addiction. Any person who finds out that his/her spouse is addicted to drugs (especially hard core drugs like crack) would make a very big deal out of it, not just blow it off as if it weren't a problem. And I agree with Outtolunch's post - if she admitted that she tried it, she's most probably done it more than once and may be addicted herself.

Actually, after reading your post, I am convinced that your step-brother-in-law is using again. Going for bike rides without a bike? Seriously? Who does he think he is fooling? Well, he seems to be fooling everyone but you. If I were you, I would follow my instincts on this one. And you have every right to be concerned about your children. Do NOT allow him to be around your children let alone be alone with them. Protecting yourself and your family should be you main priority, so do whatever it takes to keep him (and possibly your step-sister) away from them.

Do you ever visit your step-sister at her home? If you do, then I would keep my eyes open for things like those little roses that you can buy at gas stations - they come in a little glass tube, and people use those as a crack pipe. Also, if you see any Char Boys or any little pieces or flakes of what looks like copper, then someone in that house is definitely smoking crack. Look for pieces of tin foil too. Do they smoke cigarettes? If not, then there shouldn't be a bunch of lighters hanging around, right? If they do smoke cigs, check the lighters - if the flame is set on high, that's another sign. If you don't ever go to their home, snoop around their car when you see them during the holidays. People who are addicted to any type of drug are not that careful about hiding their paraphernalia.

And you should definitely be worried about your nieces/nephews. I also agree with Outtolunch on this one - you should probably call Child Protective Services and either talk to someone there or put in an anonymous tip.

Regarding your comment about your step-sister's codependency - I am very codependent, so I can understand why she would feel the need to protect him. She thinks he needs her, wants to save him, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not so sure that the reason she is supposedly in denial is because she is codependent - it really may be because she is in denial about her own addiction. But I'm not a psychologist and this is only my opinion. Maybe she really is codependent, and I'm not sure she will even listen to you, but if she is willing to have a conversation with you, suggest that she read Codependent No More. I'm reading it right now, and it is helping me soooo much with my own codependency. It's a great book, and you may even want to read it - you may find some tools that could help you with communicating with your step-sister if she is codependent.

Sorry for such a long post, but this situation is something you should be very concerned about. Again, trust your instincts on this one. And if you ever need to talk, just send me a private message.

Good luck!

Greenwood1

Thanks everyone. Step dad has a bit of a drinking problem so I think that is his problem.....he likes to serve drinks and not drink alone.
Stepsister is a depressive and likes to sleep alot and can't seem to take care of the kids alone.
If I call child protective, they may take the kids away and I can't have that on my conscience either as foster care is not much better than the neglect they have now.

tallgirl77

Knowing that your sister "is depressive & can't take care of the kids alone" and the father is using, is more than enough reason to contact someone. I would personally feel better about calling child protective services than to get a phone call that something horrible has happened to the children while in care of their parents.

Is there someone in the family who could take care of the children? If neither parent is mentally capabile of taking care of the children then something should be done and fast before something bad happens.

kmangel

My daughter-in-law called protective services on her brother and his girl friend (both addicts) and her niece was placed in her custody until the mother got help for her drug use.

outtolunch

You don't know what''s going on in that house and you don't know where they might land.

He's addicted to crack. She's depressed and can't take care of the kids and is fiddling around with crack. I would take my chances that a foster care situation will be healthier for the kids than their current enviornment.

No one just snaps out of addiction and depression.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you found us.

Well, honestly, there is not a doggone thing you can do to make any of them stop their crazy behavior. Nothing. But you CAN remove yourself from the insanity of it. You don't have to have a front row seat to the chaos.

The strange thing about addiction is that it makes the people around it appear to be crazier sometimes than the addict! The denial, active participation, desire to control others.....all being done by the people around the addict.....that is what stuck out to me in your post. The addict is just doing what they do......it's everyone around him that are acting nutty. But then....that's why they call addiction a family disease.

We cannot control the addict. We cannot control the codepentent. We cannot control the drink pouring stepdad. And trying to do so will backfire. We cannot control anybody else but ourselves. When we start to do that and work on what we do have control over, we can get back on the path to sanity.

As I look back on the last 15 years with the addict in my life.....I was OFTEN the one that was "out of control" but in was through my attempts to control that this happened.

gentle hugs
ke

Impurrfect

I can only tell you my experience. FWIW, I'm a recovering crack addict as well as a recovering codie.

My stepmom became guardian of my 1-year-old niece after niece's mama died in a car wreck, dad was in jail (has been there or prison most of her life). Stepmom is chronically depressed, a raging codie, and has her own addiction issues.

I fell into the "foster care is horrible" trap, too, as I've seen some not-so-good things. However, I've also met a young man on here who, at the age of 17, on his own, with encouragement and support, he got his younger sister and himself into family counseling..mom was deemed unfit and though he is "of age", his little sister is thriving in the home of her foster parents who have now adopted her.

My niece? Angry, confused, has been allowed to do what she wants to do (dad did try rules/consequences/etc. but is often out of town for work), and she's a mess. Drinking to stuff her feelings down.

It hurts, that I can't do anything to help her, other than work MY recovery programs and show her that life is possible without the numbing agents (alcohol or whatever). I totally understand that until you live in a situation, even knowing what's right, it can be incredibly hard to do it.

I take responsibility for my part - I was obsessed with XABF#1 (then #2, then #3), abusing/addicted for years, and I didn't have MY recovery tools until the past 4 years. However, she is 18, and I also know my limits.

Would I have done different, knowing how she is now? I don't know. I still have the hope that we can help her help herself. I live with dad/stepmom/occasionally niece (when she comes home) and it is dysfunction junction. I can't tell you how much difference it's made, to me, to come here, read what others have been through and how they handle it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Freedom1990

If he's drinking, he's not in recovery.

I've found that I've had to distance myself from toxic people, family members included.

I have a 23-year-old daughter involved with an ABF, and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

The best thing I can do for myself (and in turn for others) is to work my own program of recovery like Amy is talking about.

I may be the only example of recovery she sees.

Sending you hugs of support!

Greenwood1

I think those are a lot of wise words here. Thank you.....distancing myself from the craziness sounds right. I just want to disconnect. I can't help them--I have tried. My stepsister's mother and sister would take the kids but nobody feels it is life threatening at this point. I have no proof he is using....we just all feel suspicious and sense he is lying. I think this is what I forgot from when I did go to Al Anon. I can't really fix this and it is making me crazy. I gotta walk away. I just worry about the kids but don't feel comfortable now calling child services.