have to stay strong
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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have to stay strong
well the storm hit at the place she is staying. from everything i know it's all the same stuff as before. she blew through cash, money missing, hanging w users, dealers, and possible working as a dom now. the roommate has seen her using, witnessed her buying etc. he gave her a chance to come clean, she says its all in his head. again, i am not there to see it all, but i cannot believe he is making it all up. i feared that she may want to come back to this state, but the last i heard she is planning to move in with other guy who may be a client. it all breaks my heart again. i want a normal life, but i still want it with her. even though there are no signs of it. i was not going to let her stay w me if she came back, that much is clear. she calls me and acts like nothing is going on. i cannot understand why that is. if she is using and working (i dont know the extent of that, but i am certain at least once) and is planning to move in with another person, why does she keep pretending like nothing is amiss? i dont give money, she doesnt ask for it, is it just to keep someone normal in the back pocket?
it looks like the next round has started for her and i have to protect myself. i was supposed to be visiting her soon. she left june 1at and we figured early august was a good time time meet up, figuring that she'd have at least 2 months clean. i talked w my therapist about it. i said i have doubts about her progress, but have no hard evidence and that i want to see her, but dont know if i should. she said maybe i should go so i can see first hand whats going on. if she is using, she wont be able to hide it.
i am not going to fall back to where i was. i cant let myself do that again. i wonder if addicts still love people certain ways, but that the drugs win. i wonder if someone like her can be in such deep denial that they really believe they arent doing the things they do. and i wonder if someone like her wants a better life, but just keeps saying tomorrow i'll start, one more time for now. like is there a split personality?
it looks like the next round has started for her and i have to protect myself. i was supposed to be visiting her soon. she left june 1at and we figured early august was a good time time meet up, figuring that she'd have at least 2 months clean. i talked w my therapist about it. i said i have doubts about her progress, but have no hard evidence and that i want to see her, but dont know if i should. she said maybe i should go so i can see first hand whats going on. if she is using, she wont be able to hide it.
i am not going to fall back to where i was. i cant let myself do that again. i wonder if addicts still love people certain ways, but that the drugs win. i wonder if someone like her can be in such deep denial that they really believe they arent doing the things they do. and i wonder if someone like her wants a better life, but just keeps saying tomorrow i'll start, one more time for now. like is there a split personality?
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...and.....the more posts i have been reading i am gaining an even better understanding of the power of addiction. i have been reading lots of stories about relapse and that troubles me. its hard to understand relapsing after 9 months or so in. in my fantasy world, i would like to believe that there would be excitement after such a long time. but i understand the pull at the same time.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hi Steve,
I really, truly, absolutely hope that someday you find peace and happiness that is not dependent on this woman. The same questions keep coming up for you over and over, and many members here have answered them based on their own experiences. Yet it seems that either do not believe them or are simply unwilling to believe them.
I hope for you that in time you realize you are the one who holds the key to your freedom and joy. You will get there in your own time and your own way.
She may not ask for it right now, nor for a place to stay.....but if I recall she has asked you for both in the past after a long period of not wanting anything from you.
Good luck, Steve. I am rooting for you and hope you find peace and joy soon. I will also keep this young woman in my thoughts and prayers.
HG
I really, truly, absolutely hope that someday you find peace and happiness that is not dependent on this woman. The same questions keep coming up for you over and over, and many members here have answered them based on their own experiences. Yet it seems that either do not believe them or are simply unwilling to believe them.
I hope for you that in time you realize you are the one who holds the key to your freedom and joy. You will get there in your own time and your own way.
Originally Posted by steve1840
i dont give money, she doesnt ask for it, is it just to keep someone normal in the back pocket?
Good luck, Steve. I am rooting for you and hope you find peace and joy soon. I will also keep this young woman in my thoughts and prayers.
HG
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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she blew through cash, money missing, hanging w users, dealers, and possible working as a dom now.
I think she has chosen to live in the "underworld" clearly. I don't understand what you want from her?
A normal future? If that's so, your definition of "normal" is far, far away in the land of oz.
she calls me and acts like nothing is going on. i cannot understand why that is. if she is using and working (i dont know the extent of that, but i am certain at least once) and is planning to move in with another person, why does she keep pretending like nothing is amiss?
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noooo- im not there again, i just asked those questions, but wit ha different tone. sociopath- that is what i am thinking. i have become reacquainted with peace on some level and want to keep building on it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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Steve, to me, you are sicker than she is. What you are still thinking is beyond me. It is complete fantasy.
I, too, feel sad, for the life of me, I cannot understand your infatuation with this women.
Best of luck!
I, too, feel sad, for the life of me, I cannot understand your infatuation with this women.
Best of luck!
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Join Date: May 2010
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Hi Steve! it seems that you're on the roller coaster, sorry to hear it :-(
I recently went to my pastor and spoke with him about my in-laws and I laid out my problems in vivid technicolor detail. His response to my situation is equally applicable to yours (in spite of our differing circumstances). My pastor's advice was exactly one sentence: "Change your phone number."
Please don't say that she has no one. She has herself, and that's all she needs to find her way. Right now her first love is drugs and you could never ever compete, there simply isn't room in her life for anyone or anything else. Peace and God bless.
I recently went to my pastor and spoke with him about my in-laws and I laid out my problems in vivid technicolor detail. His response to my situation is equally applicable to yours (in spite of our differing circumstances). My pastor's advice was exactly one sentence: "Change your phone number."
Please don't say that she has no one. She has herself, and that's all she needs to find her way. Right now her first love is drugs and you could never ever compete, there simply isn't room in her life for anyone or anything else. Peace and God bless.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
You need to ask yourself "What am I getting out of this relationship?" You wouldn't still be in it if you weren't getting something. I really think the best thing you can do for her and yourself is to get off the roller coaster. She will not stop using when she has you to turn to even if it is only to be able to call you. As long as she knows she can call she will continue to use. The best thing you can do for her is give her her dignity and let her handle this all by herself. You can't fix her anymore than she can fix you.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Your post has drama-seeking all over it.
No one would stay in this situation, a non-relationship, that causes so much emotional turmoil unless they were getting something out of it, even something damaging.
Your love isn't more powerful or more real than anyone else's here. That is called terminal uniqueness; you seem to convey this feeling that she is somehow more special and deserving of recovery than some other addict.
Or you would listen to what some very smart and experienced people are posting to you. Accepting reality is too painful and reality would be well.. sort of boring to you.
She keeps in touch because she knows you are enthralled by her so you would help enable her at some point again. That is all. It is that simple. It is what addicts do, keep some enabler always in the wings. It is for survival, not romance.
No one would stay in this situation, a non-relationship, that causes so much emotional turmoil unless they were getting something out of it, even something damaging.
Your love isn't more powerful or more real than anyone else's here. That is called terminal uniqueness; you seem to convey this feeling that she is somehow more special and deserving of recovery than some other addict.
Or you would listen to what some very smart and experienced people are posting to you. Accepting reality is too painful and reality would be well.. sort of boring to you.
She keeps in touch because she knows you are enthralled by her so you would help enable her at some point again. That is all. It is that simple. It is what addicts do, keep some enabler always in the wings. It is for survival, not romance.
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Join Date: May 2005
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Steve,
Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Go see for yourself if that is what you want to do...maybe it will help and maybe it won't. No one is going to be able to convince you to do something other than what you want to do.
I agree with asking yourself the question of what are you getting out of the relationship? Right now, this moment....not what you hope for in the future.
This interaction is serving some purpose within you and I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist. I'm also having to look really deep within myself to figure out what I was getting out of a relationship where someone ignored me at best, messed with me (just for fun/because he was bored), or actually was emotionally/verbally and occassionally abusive. But then, sometimes they said what I wanted them to say and appeared to want to make a relationship work. I wanted it to work and put up with crap because I wanted someone to love me. I also thought my husband was the "best I could do" on some level. Through recovery, I've realized that I don't want love so badly that I will settle for some sick version of it that might MAYBE happen some day in the future (NOT). I will learn how to be alone...not feel compelled to help someone else so that when they are well they will love me. I also have to accept that some people are just "where they are" and think/feel differently than I do. They don't live by the same codes and values. It's hard to let go but in time it starts getting better. I have blocked my husband from my phone for the last month and it is making a huge difference in my serenity. He can still email me but that is not the same sort of trigger for me.
I hope that you will find some peace with all of this. I also hope that you will keep working on you. Just because she might go away doesn't mean that your issues will that led you to an involvement with her.
Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Go see for yourself if that is what you want to do...maybe it will help and maybe it won't. No one is going to be able to convince you to do something other than what you want to do.
I agree with asking yourself the question of what are you getting out of the relationship? Right now, this moment....not what you hope for in the future.
This interaction is serving some purpose within you and I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist. I'm also having to look really deep within myself to figure out what I was getting out of a relationship where someone ignored me at best, messed with me (just for fun/because he was bored), or actually was emotionally/verbally and occassionally abusive. But then, sometimes they said what I wanted them to say and appeared to want to make a relationship work. I wanted it to work and put up with crap because I wanted someone to love me. I also thought my husband was the "best I could do" on some level. Through recovery, I've realized that I don't want love so badly that I will settle for some sick version of it that might MAYBE happen some day in the future (NOT). I will learn how to be alone...not feel compelled to help someone else so that when they are well they will love me. I also have to accept that some people are just "where they are" and think/feel differently than I do. They don't live by the same codes and values. It's hard to let go but in time it starts getting better. I have blocked my husband from my phone for the last month and it is making a huge difference in my serenity. He can still email me but that is not the same sort of trigger for me.
I hope that you will find some peace with all of this. I also hope that you will keep working on you. Just because she might go away doesn't mean that your issues will that led you to an involvement with her.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by steve1840 
i am not going to fall back to where i was. i cant let myself do that again. i wonder if addicts still love people certain ways, but that the drugs win. i wonder if someone like her can be in such deep denial that they really believe they arent doing the things they do. and i wonder if someone like her wants a better life, but just keeps saying tomorrow i'll start, one more time for now. like is there a split personality?
Every addict says they will not fall back to where it was because they sustain the fantasy that they can control it.
Codependency is all about ego, our ego. We get to puff up with our beliefs that we know what's best for other people. We get to fill our black hole with other people's problems so we don't have to focus on what's broken within us.
We sustain fantasies that we are able to control/influence other people when we cannot control ourselves. We claim to eschew drama and chaos while we do everything possible to sustain it.
Codependency is the epitome of being out of control.
Today, right now, is yesterday's tomorrow.
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