Kindeyes

I received a call from my AS last night at about 9:30pm. As some of you know, he is homeless. He lives in his car and sleeps on the couches of other addicts. He said "I'm hungry Mom."

It simply broke my heart. I told him that I was so sorry that he was hungry. I asked him in a kind way to ask me a direct question--what is it that you want from me? He said "Just some food and conversation."

I went to him and met him in a grocery store parking lot. We talked for a long time. I was very calm. He was very calm. He talked to me about his addiction. I talked to him about my recovery. He knows that this life isn't good for him. He knows what he needs to do to get sober. I told him that we all love him and we hope he will want to get well someday. There were no tears on my part and none on his either. I let him know again that when he's ready, we will support his efforts for recovery but we simply cannot support his disease. He asked for money for gas. I told him no... I can't give you money.

He is very thin. His skin is very bad but he's proud that his teeth are in good shape. (He's a meth addict.) I bought him two sandwiches, a pastry, a bag of chips and a beverage.

We talked until 1:30am. Then I told him that I had to leave.

As he got out of my car I asked him if he wanted to go to detox in the morning and he simply said "No".

And I drove away knowing that he was going to be sleeping in his car in the Safeway parking lot.

I'm ok. But I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't difficult to do that. And honestly, six months ago or a year ago.....I couldn't have done it. Working my program is allowing me to interact with my son in the healthiest way that I am capable of right now. I was able to show compassion and love without giving in to my motherly instincts to take him home with me.

They say "never deny an addict his pain". I guess some may say that going out and talking with him may have been enabling type behavior.....I don't know. But I did it. And I'm ok with it. I hadn't seen him in over a month and I wanted to see him. To give him a hug. To tell him that he is loved. And to be able to talk to him about my own acceptance of the way things are.....not acceptance in the "I approve" sort of way but acceptance in the "it is what it is and I have no control" sort of way.

When I got home, I slept well.

This is all I can do for my son right now. And I'm glad I got the opportunity to talk with him about it.

I share this because I hope in some small tiny way, doing so will help another mother know that she is not alone. There is a fine line between enabling behavior and compassionate behavior. And I'm not entirely certain whether I am doing it well but I'm doing it in the best way that I know how to right now.

I am very sad that my son is an addict. But I am trying to give him the dignity of making his own decisions. He's been through treatment four times. Two of them forced on him via court orders or intervention and two of them voluntary. I accept that he is an addict. I accept that I cannot change him. I accept that he will want to get sober if and when he wants to and not a moment sooner. And I'm praying for him.

gentle hugs
ke

kmangel

I don't think your meeting your son to share a meal with him and to talk was enabling him in any way. You are a strong woman not to cave. You did the right thing absolutely IMO. You offered him help (detox) if he wanted it. Nothing wrong with that. He knows where he stands with you and you held firm.

I hope my son stays sober. I don't want to have to face the pain you are facing. However, it's all in God's hands and it will be what it will be.

Praying for you and your son.

Seren

Oh, Kindeyes......hugs and prayers for your son and all who love him.

cece1960

(((KE)))

What a great example you are of drawing the line where we parents feel comfortable.

I would never deny my son food. And the conversation is available as well, as long as lines aren't crossed, and as long as it doesn't tear me apart to have them.

I have no desire to punish my son for his addiction. I just need to always be aware of my part in it all, and be very careful not to accept what is not acceptable to me.

I'll keep you and your son in my prayers.
(((Hugs)))

catlovermi

Just because you gave him something doesn't mean it was enabling. You gave him food when he is clearly thin, but WITH it you also gave him another view of recovery in action and words of love and encouragement.

Just what in there fed his addiction? Nothing that I can see.

You may have taken away his hunger, but when you left, he was left with all his pain, still.

CLMI

Impurrfect

(((Kindeyes))) - My dad did similar things when I was using. He would find me, take me to go get lunch, which we would eat in the park. He needed to see me (as much as I know it hurt him to see me in that condition), and though I didn't admit it, at the time, I wanted to see him, too.

I don't see it as enabling, I see it as doing what you felt okay with, and I think that is true recovery. My prayers continue for you and your son.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

BeingStill

I don't see anything you did as qualifying for enabling behavior.

This share just breaks my heart. There are no words to describe how evil addiction is... for an addict to be in that kind of place and STILL turn away from recovery support.

It is so heartbreaking and void of hope. I pray he finds one cell in his body that truly cries out for help in recovery. It just kills me that our addicts don't see any other way. What a dark hell they must live. What pain. I'm so sad.

MissTara

(((((((((KE))))))))))

I do not think that you enabled his addiction either, you brought him food and gave him some much needed company and love. You said no to giving him some money...that took strength. I am so proud of you and how you handled it.

Reading your story, i thought about my son. He is 17, a good kid, but there are several people close to us and in the family who are addicts/alcoholics...and I will always wonder if he will go down that path too. Thank you for sharing your story so that other Mom's can see that there is indeed hope....

Stay strong!

Chino

I think you're blessed by the gift of love and you shared the blessing, as it's meant to be shared. Thank you for sharing here too

tjp613

I hate drugs so much and I hate that your son is sick I think mine is heading for a very bad time, too. You are a shining example to me in my darkest moments of fear.

Just ((((hugs)))).

BBD

Kindeyes, Your a good mom and you know your limits. I would never let my son go without food and seeing that yours called you and wanted to talk was a good thing...we can just pray that someday they see the light. I haven't seen my son since July 6 and its hurting me...........so I understand the wanting to see him and talk..hugs, Bonnie

NoGround

KE,

"I'm hungry Mom"--I'm sure I'm not the only mother here who read those words and physically felt that aching sadness as if it were my own child who was suffering.

dollydo

For my part, I think you did the right thing.

Your recovery is shining, I am amazed at your progress!

EJG123

I think you did well. The fact that you slept well is a testament to that. I could not deny my kiddo food and company under those circumstances either.

newnormal4me

My heart breaks for you and him. How sad it must be to see him that way. I know how it feels as my AH has been doing the same thing - living in his car and sleeping at friends places. It just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But, like you said, it is what it is.

I'm glad you were able to be there for him to at least feed him and see and talk to him. I'll be praying for him.

Take care.

LifeRecovery

I do not have children, but I just want to say how much this post touched me.

As hard as it must have been to do, I think it is a wonderful example of boundary setting, and detachment with loving kindness.

Thank you for sharing it has inspired me.

mayabee

I don't see this as enabling at all. You didn't give him money, but you fed him, talked with him, showed him that you love him. He knows in his heart what he needs to do - I pray that he will do that soon.

Helenlee

Kindeyes ... I've been on these boards a few years now & I've read lots of heart wrenching posts ... but I think this is the first one that made me cry. "I'm hungry Mom" - What you did wasn't insanity or compassion - it was just following your natural maternal instinct to see you child, to feed him & to hold him. Addiction can't defeat nature.
I'm in an almost identical situation but my sons not as far down the track, in that he's never been to rehab & laughs at the offer.
Know that you & your son are loved & held in the hearts of others all around the world tonight. Peace be with you both.
Helen

Kindeyes

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and support. Your prayers mean the world to me because I do believe in the power of prayer.

I know that each and every one of you are dealing with someone who is addicted. And I pray for us all each day.

Thanks again. The conversation with my son still left me feeling weak and vunerable which simply tells me that I have a lot more work to do on myself. And then yesterday was quite a day from he77 at work. Coming here tonight and reading all of your responses choked me up but gave me fuel for my soul. I hope that I can do the same for you someday when you most need it.

gentle hugs
ke

sojourner

Kindeyes: With all the love and compassion I have for you and for your situation (so very similar to mine), I have to say that buying your son food (food is love dearie, have another bite) and giving him loving company did enable him. His addict brain could then say, "See, there's not a problem here. You still have a great relationship with your mom. She's right there when you need her and how you need her. She just needs some more time to accept that this is who you really are. " If you had found him on your own (and without him asking you to) and bought him a meal while you talked, that is a smaller type of enabling.

It seems to me that addicts' brains live in a very small time frame. The pain and consequences of your son's choices were staring him in the gut putting him close to a bottom. When the hunger pains went away, so did the thoughts that perhaps treatment was needed. I love the book, "The Lost Years," where the mother's only comment to the addict daughter (during the few times the daughter would call) were, "I love, you, are you ready for treatment?" The addict daughter would slam the phone down in rage that her mother kept on with that recovery crap when all the daughter wanted was _________ (money, food, to spend the evening at home with family, etc.). Finally the daughter did call and say, "I'm ready for treatment." And even then, the mother (because she had plans with another child), gave the address of the treatment center and told her daughter to find her own way there. Whew, that mom is an inspiration for me.

I'm pretty sure that is the psychology of interventions - that the addict choose right now, before the afternoon is out, whether to go to treatment because addiction causes their minds to only struggle to get through this moment, this problem, this few hours. Once the pain of the present problem is over then getting high is top o' the list again.

Having said that, dear Kindeyes, I have done the same thing as you. Being a mom of an addict is not for weanies.

(((Hugs))))