Insanity or Compassion?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
sojourner
Thank you. I do accept your words with the kindness and compassion that they were written with. I see your point....and thus the title of the thread....insanity or compassion.
I honestly am not sure that I can ever get to the point you describe from the book but then....I cannot "read" the future.....not even my own. What I can see is how very far I've come.....and I do know that I have so very far to go. It's a process. This is what I could live with today and it's MILES further than I was five years ago (whoooo boy do I have some horror stories of my heavy enabling days!) It's hard to get miles down the road by taking two steps forward and one step back! LOL I continue to go to my meetings 2 - 3 times per week and know that my HP will guide me.....my "addiction" is always right outside my meeting door doing knuckle pushups too......and I know that my meetings keep me progressing forward and not spiraling backward into the abyss.
One day at a time......I will do the best I can. And sometimes.....that's one minute at a time. Thank you for your kind words, Sojourner......
gentle hugs
ke
Thank you. I do accept your words with the kindness and compassion that they were written with. I see your point....and thus the title of the thread....insanity or compassion.
I honestly am not sure that I can ever get to the point you describe from the book but then....I cannot "read" the future.....not even my own. What I can see is how very far I've come.....and I do know that I have so very far to go. It's a process. This is what I could live with today and it's MILES further than I was five years ago (whoooo boy do I have some horror stories of my heavy enabling days!) It's hard to get miles down the road by taking two steps forward and one step back! LOL I continue to go to my meetings 2 - 3 times per week and know that my HP will guide me.....my "addiction" is always right outside my meeting door doing knuckle pushups too......and I know that my meetings keep me progressing forward and not spiraling backward into the abyss.
One day at a time......I will do the best I can. And sometimes.....that's one minute at a time. Thank you for your kind words, Sojourner......
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
sending a big hug, and saying, you are a wonderful mom. he needed to see your love for him, and some food, and you give him the hope of what can be. and he knows that he can have help when he needs and wants to do it. that is a gift. he is blessed to have you in his life, and it must give him food for his soul, to know he is loved and precious.
praying , as always, for you and him ,
love,
chicory
praying , as always, for you and him ,
love,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 112
Kindeyes,
You're a mom. It's what moms do.
I think you did a good thing. This obviously isn't your normal type of response to your son and, whatever your son's future footsteps may be, I believe he will never forget this, nor the love and mercy your heart expressed.
He can have no doubts, in his moments of sobriety, that he is loved by you deeply. And you know, perhaps your gesture was good for YOU. Perhaps for once it is okay that is not about our addicts, and what we feel is best for them.
I hope you have saved one of your gentle hugs for you. You deserve it.
You will be okay.
You're a mom. It's what moms do.
I think you did a good thing. This obviously isn't your normal type of response to your son and, whatever your son's future footsteps may be, I believe he will never forget this, nor the love and mercy your heart expressed.
He can have no doubts, in his moments of sobriety, that he is loved by you deeply. And you know, perhaps your gesture was good for YOU. Perhaps for once it is okay that is not about our addicts, and what we feel is best for them.
I hope you have saved one of your gentle hugs for you. You deserve it.
You will be okay.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think it is admirable that your recovery has lifted you to a place where you can meet with your son, share food, have a conversation and then leave without hysterics or trying to interfere in his life. How great is that?
You remind me here of one Christmas when my son lived on the street and didn't want to come for dinner and I didn't argue because the dinner was about all my family, not just him. So I met him for lunch in a nice diner, gave him his gifts...a warm sweater, socks, deodorant, gloves and a hat and a gift card for $10 at a coffee shop. I know he could have sold it all (and I could live with that) but I had a feeling he needed all of it, and indeed he kept it.
It's not every mama who meets her street kid son for Christmas lunch in a diner, but you mamas here all know that sometimes we just need to do what we need to do.
That was a loving thing you did, Kindeyes, and if it made you feel better then nothing lost and everything gained...you got to hug your son.
Hugs from this mama's heart
You remind me here of one Christmas when my son lived on the street and didn't want to come for dinner and I didn't argue because the dinner was about all my family, not just him. So I met him for lunch in a nice diner, gave him his gifts...a warm sweater, socks, deodorant, gloves and a hat and a gift card for $10 at a coffee shop. I know he could have sold it all (and I could live with that) but I had a feeling he needed all of it, and indeed he kept it.
It's not every mama who meets her street kid son for Christmas lunch in a diner, but you mamas here all know that sometimes we just need to do what we need to do.
That was a loving thing you did, Kindeyes, and if it made you feel better then nothing lost and everything gained...you got to hug your son.
Hugs from this mama's heart
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by sojourner 
Having said that, dear Kindeyes, I have done the same thing as you. Being a mom of an addict is not for weanies. (((Hugs))))
heartofamama
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 70
PRAY 4 the kid, will ya?
we can pray & trust God...
the rest is moment by moment.
to feed a person mere food and not tell him "i prayed 4 you", or "God Loves you"?
how will his spirit ever recover without God's Love?
to sustain the body without the spirit is pitiful.
i'm sure that's why people are addicts in the first place.
apologize to your kids if you've never told them that God Almighty Loves them.
and pray 4 them, willl ya?
the rest is moment by moment.
to feed a person mere food and not tell him "i prayed 4 you", or "God Loves you"?
how will his spirit ever recover without God's Love?
to sustain the body without the spirit is pitiful.
i'm sure that's why people are addicts in the first place.
apologize to your kids if you've never told them that God Almighty Loves them.
and pray 4 them, willl ya?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((KE))
Did anyone tell you today how simply wonderful you are?
If not, please consider yourself told!
Thank you for sharing your e, s, & h with us ~ we do the best we can with what we got right?
and I believe part of our recovery is learning what OUR boundaries can be ~
you and your HP made that decision ~ which helps to give you the peace you need to make it thru the rough times.
From my perspective, you balanced your recovery, his basic needs without enabling or shaming ~ which sounds like healthy compassion with healthy love ~ what a beautiful gift.
PINK HUGS & prayers for both of you!
Rita
Did anyone tell you today how simply wonderful you are?
If not, please consider yourself told!
Thank you for sharing your e, s, & h with us ~ we do the best we can with what we got right?
and I believe part of our recovery is learning what OUR boundaries can be ~
you and your HP made that decision ~ which helps to give you the peace you need to make it thru the rough times.
From my perspective, you balanced your recovery, his basic needs without enabling or shaming ~ which sounds like healthy compassion with healthy love ~ what a beautiful gift.
PINK HUGS & prayers for both of you!
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
walking the line just fine
Kindeyes you are walking the insanity/compassion line just fine.
I wish my family could walk that line. The problem one is finally in site of a bottom and the elders are still massively enabling along with showing him compassion. It's not as open ended as before but it's still bad. Instead of giving him money they are now directly paying bills for him, lots of bills. These bills are just keep him out of trouble/ pay the LEGAL consequences bills like legal fees & fines. And they keep rolling in. He also takes miles when given an inch with favors.
My family would have given your son free room and board.
Just be yourself and stay sain. We need your input here.
I wish my family could walk that line. The problem one is finally in site of a bottom and the elders are still massively enabling along with showing him compassion. It's not as open ended as before but it's still bad. Instead of giving him money they are now directly paying bills for him, lots of bills. These bills are just keep him out of trouble/ pay the LEGAL consequences bills like legal fees & fines. And they keep rolling in. He also takes miles when given an inch with favors.
My family would have given your son free room and board.
Just be yourself and stay sain. We need your input here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
So glad I read this thread.
I don't know how you ladies do it.
Your strength and intelligence is inspirational.
And can't imagine the even stronger pull from
Mother-child.
I guess what really matters is you kept it together. Of course you don't want to enable, but at this point...you got in and got out with a check for rehab. Although your situation is different and you handled it with such grace seeing him, I think ultimately what matters is what you can handle. But it's a slippery slope because you start hoping and then lying to yourself.
I know I sure as heck can't keep it together after seeing the addict in my life down that slope.
And holy crap, if it were my child? I would be completely bonkers I think.
I don't know if this is any consellation, but when I was really having a hard time letting go a few years ago or whenever (feels like forever ago, which is a good feeling). All of the mothers on here were like my go to. I would think if Ann and Kindeyes can do it... And I'm ELECTING to "put up with" this person. And I really always felt better knowing that people have braved much worse.
Meth is such an awful thing. All drugs are. I swear they render the abuser soulless. I like to think of those moments providing them with food when you can handle it like a meeting of the souls. And maybe just for a moment a glimmer of them is right there with you in the moment. The trick is getting out before you start to pick up on their silent screams for help. Because the drugs have such a grip that no matter how much you swear you can see a flicker in their eye of hope, they're trapped and there's nothing you can do.
You met him outside of the glass. But as we all know, only he has the key.
Hugs hugs hugs hugs HUGS! And thank you for being such an inspiration for me along the way.
I don't know if this is any conselation, but when things were harder for me
I don't know how you ladies do it.
Your strength and intelligence is inspirational.
And can't imagine the even stronger pull from
Mother-child.
I guess what really matters is you kept it together. Of course you don't want to enable, but at this point...you got in and got out with a check for rehab. Although your situation is different and you handled it with such grace seeing him, I think ultimately what matters is what you can handle. But it's a slippery slope because you start hoping and then lying to yourself.
I know I sure as heck can't keep it together after seeing the addict in my life down that slope.
And holy crap, if it were my child? I would be completely bonkers I think.
I don't know if this is any consellation, but when I was really having a hard time letting go a few years ago or whenever (feels like forever ago, which is a good feeling). All of the mothers on here were like my go to. I would think if Ann and Kindeyes can do it... And I'm ELECTING to "put up with" this person. And I really always felt better knowing that people have braved much worse.
Meth is such an awful thing. All drugs are. I swear they render the abuser soulless. I like to think of those moments providing them with food when you can handle it like a meeting of the souls. And maybe just for a moment a glimmer of them is right there with you in the moment. The trick is getting out before you start to pick up on their silent screams for help. Because the drugs have such a grip that no matter how much you swear you can see a flicker in their eye of hope, they're trapped and there's nothing you can do.
You met him outside of the glass. But as we all know, only he has the key.
Hugs hugs hugs hugs HUGS! And thank you for being such an inspiration for me along the way.
I don't know if this is any conselation, but when things were harder for me
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
kindeyes, i just want to add my prayers for you and your son to all the others - i guess the one thing i can completely agree with here is that being the mother of an addict is not for weanies - i hesitate to say any one action is right or wrong because we really never know for sure what consequence a different decision would have -we don't get the chance to "guess and check" all we can do is go with what we can do at the time based on our gut - i'm personally thankful you were able to remind him of how much you love him and give him a window into recovery - i will pray that he climbs through that window for himself very soon -
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Surrey
Posts: 135
I think the way you described the situation is actually inspiration for me, I almost get that kind of balance between compassion and enabling on some days, not caving is difficult, being loving, but firm, caring, but not interfering, all great feats!
Thank you for the saying, you should not deny the addict his / her pain, that is a very helpful saying.
I am sorry for your son, and send prayers.
Thank you for the saying, you should not deny the addict his / her pain, that is a very helpful saying.
I am sorry for your son, and send prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Your story made me cry , and I needed that and I suppose I will be crying tonight all night. For some reason that is a hard thing for me to do but letting go feels good . I too am the mother of an addict the feelings to me at least are undescribable and although I am new here and just learning myself I feel that what you did was the right thing to do at the right time that hug that together time may be just the thing that will change his mind to seek help maybe not now maybe someday, keeping you in my prayers
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
wow......to me what you did was not enabling. It was showing compassion and caring. I think that completely cutting my son off would be impossible for me if we could meet peacefully and I could simply share a meal/conversation with him. You didn't buy him gas and that was a great boundary....
I just can't imagine how hard this was to do but I think that it would have been harder had you not gone.
Your recovery is an amazing example of what this program can do. Sending you lots of love....Donna
I just can't imagine how hard this was to do but I think that it would have been harder had you not gone.
Your recovery is an amazing example of what this program can do. Sending you lots of love....Donna
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