Time to Go...(sorry for long post)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 76
Time to Go...(sorry for long post)
I haven't been on this site in a pretty long time (probably since Dec 09'/Feb 10) and at that point I was stuck in the middle of absolute madness. My boyfriend was a full blown heroin addict who was stealing from everyone and anyone and doing atrocious things to support his habit. He went to jail in February of last year and got out a month later (long story) only to land up back in jail again after getting arrested for drugs.I definitely played my part trying to control, manipulate, and play martyr to try and keep him in my life despite how badly it was hurting me and driving me crazy with anxiety, etc.
He spent a almost a year in jail and when he came out, we didn't live together or anything for several months. I moved in with him in December and things seemed to be going great well at least better because as far as I know he was clean though he wasn't working a program or anything in that sense. That was something he had quacked to me in jail that going to programs in jail helped and that he was going to do this and that and quack, quack, quack. He followed through with basically nothing I guess and has been a 'dry-addict'.
In April, he started complaining about back pain from his job. He went to the doctor and told me that he had told them no pain killers. He came out with a Rx for muscle relaxers that he told me to dump for him. The following week he said he couldn't take it and that he had no other choice but to get pain killers for his back. And here we begin...the doctors told him that he had bursitis in one of his hips. They gave him shots like cortizone into his back (which is supposed to clear it up in most cases) but nothing worked. He started doctor shopping and now it seems one minute it's his hips and the next its just his shoulder or back.
When he gets an Rx for something he goes through them in a matter of days. I mean 120 5mg of percocets in 5 days, 20 7.5 mg vicodins in 2 days, etc (you get the picture). He quit his job because it was too hard on his back and on Friday when I took him to look for work, he wanted me to take him to the doctors to get him medicine for his back. When I refused, he told me 'I'm not looking for work if you don't take me' and then tried to get out of my car while I was driving...I pulled over, he went to the doc got his meds, and then had the audacity for me to come pick him up and I refused. Several hours later, he shows up with a bunch of inconsistencies to his story. Apparently started smoking again, found the receipt in his pants pockets when I went to do laundry. He told me that I made him start smoking again because I made him mad (for not taking him). He had hid the cigarettes in the house and then later on when I was putting away clothes, I found the bottle he had just gotten empty hidden. He tells me one minute he doesn't have a problem and the next he tells me he won't take anymore medication but that he has to take that much because it isn't helping his back enough with the regular doses.
I apologize for how long this is. I have had this all pent up for a while now with no one to really talk to. I have been through his addiction to heroin many times in the past and apparently when we first started dating he was using pills and had problems with a pill addiction years before we met. This time around I feel like I am stronger and in a better place. I have done more things for me like working on my Bachelor's, volunteering, attending CoDa meetings, and trying to let go instead of playing into my old tendencies of trying to control something that is way beyond me. I am very hurt that it has come to this again and I don't believe that he is going to change. The addiction is there and I feel all of his promises to not take pills are just to keep me around and are bs. I have spoken with my mother about this and I am planning to take me and the children out of here in the next few weeks once school has concluded. I told him that if he wants to take pills, go ahead but that I WILL NOT stick around to see him ruin his life and bring us down with him again. I think he sees that I am not doing things the same. Although I am depressed, I am not trying to force him not to do anything. If he wants to quit, he needs to do it for him and not just give me lies to keep me around while he uses. He knows there is help for him in programs, etc. He knows the consequences of his actions just as I know the consequences of my own actions if I continue to stay and let the craziness progress.
I am 30 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and my anxiety (or radar for his addiction) has been through the roof. I don't need this, I have enough on my plate and I am ready to get my life back.
I love him tremendously but I can't handle the rollercoaster anymore and I think it is time, I finally get off. Thank you for listening, it is much appreciated
He spent a almost a year in jail and when he came out, we didn't live together or anything for several months. I moved in with him in December and things seemed to be going great well at least better because as far as I know he was clean though he wasn't working a program or anything in that sense. That was something he had quacked to me in jail that going to programs in jail helped and that he was going to do this and that and quack, quack, quack. He followed through with basically nothing I guess and has been a 'dry-addict'.
In April, he started complaining about back pain from his job. He went to the doctor and told me that he had told them no pain killers. He came out with a Rx for muscle relaxers that he told me to dump for him. The following week he said he couldn't take it and that he had no other choice but to get pain killers for his back. And here we begin...the doctors told him that he had bursitis in one of his hips. They gave him shots like cortizone into his back (which is supposed to clear it up in most cases) but nothing worked. He started doctor shopping and now it seems one minute it's his hips and the next its just his shoulder or back.
When he gets an Rx for something he goes through them in a matter of days. I mean 120 5mg of percocets in 5 days, 20 7.5 mg vicodins in 2 days, etc (you get the picture). He quit his job because it was too hard on his back and on Friday when I took him to look for work, he wanted me to take him to the doctors to get him medicine for his back. When I refused, he told me 'I'm not looking for work if you don't take me' and then tried to get out of my car while I was driving...I pulled over, he went to the doc got his meds, and then had the audacity for me to come pick him up and I refused. Several hours later, he shows up with a bunch of inconsistencies to his story. Apparently started smoking again, found the receipt in his pants pockets when I went to do laundry. He told me that I made him start smoking again because I made him mad (for not taking him). He had hid the cigarettes in the house and then later on when I was putting away clothes, I found the bottle he had just gotten empty hidden. He tells me one minute he doesn't have a problem and the next he tells me he won't take anymore medication but that he has to take that much because it isn't helping his back enough with the regular doses.
I apologize for how long this is. I have had this all pent up for a while now with no one to really talk to. I have been through his addiction to heroin many times in the past and apparently when we first started dating he was using pills and had problems with a pill addiction years before we met. This time around I feel like I am stronger and in a better place. I have done more things for me like working on my Bachelor's, volunteering, attending CoDa meetings, and trying to let go instead of playing into my old tendencies of trying to control something that is way beyond me. I am very hurt that it has come to this again and I don't believe that he is going to change. The addiction is there and I feel all of his promises to not take pills are just to keep me around and are bs. I have spoken with my mother about this and I am planning to take me and the children out of here in the next few weeks once school has concluded. I told him that if he wants to take pills, go ahead but that I WILL NOT stick around to see him ruin his life and bring us down with him again. I think he sees that I am not doing things the same. Although I am depressed, I am not trying to force him not to do anything. If he wants to quit, he needs to do it for him and not just give me lies to keep me around while he uses. He knows there is help for him in programs, etc. He knows the consequences of his actions just as I know the consequences of my own actions if I continue to stay and let the craziness progress.
I am 30 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and my anxiety (or radar for his addiction) has been through the roof. I don't need this, I have enough on my plate and I am ready to get my life back.
I love him tremendously but I can't handle the rollercoaster anymore and I think it is time, I finally get off. Thank you for listening, it is much appreciated
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
w2b,
Welcome back, sorry about the circumstances that you are going through right now.
Sounds like you have the "tools" in your recovery to do the things you need to do to take care of yourself. I just wanted to support you in that. It is hard, I know, but please do not get sucked into your bf's spiral.
You deserve to have a life for yourself, free of his crazy addict behavior.
Welcome back, sorry about the circumstances that you are going through right now.
Sounds like you have the "tools" in your recovery to do the things you need to do to take care of yourself. I just wanted to support you in that. It is hard, I know, but please do not get sucked into your bf's spiral.
You deserve to have a life for yourself, free of his crazy addict behavior.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too welcome you back and am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
Only you can decide what is best for you and your baby. I know that, for me, time proved to me that my son's sobriety just wasn't going to be in the cards for a very long time and I could no longer live in the darkness of his addiction.
It's hard to let go of the past, our broken dreams and plans...but it doesn't take long before the light of new beginnings helps us heal and move forward in peace.
Hugs
Only you can decide what is best for you and your baby. I know that, for me, time proved to me that my son's sobriety just wasn't going to be in the cards for a very long time and I could no longer live in the darkness of his addiction.
It's hard to let go of the past, our broken dreams and plans...but it doesn't take long before the light of new beginnings helps us heal and move forward in peace.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You sound like you are feeling strong right now. That's good. The disease of addiction is a crazy making disease. Right now, focusing on yourself, your children, and the little baby in your womb is what is important. They deserve a life free of the drama and insecurity.
Gentle hugs
ke
Gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like you are as addicted to the drama and fantasy of control as much as he is addicted to drugs.
He has repeatedly stolen from you, your kids, your mom and his parents.This guy must be 30+/- by now. He's a convicted criminal and an addict. What possible good can come of keeping someone like this in your life and the life of your children? What's in this for you and the children?
If you can't believe you are worth more than this, can you put your children first. They deserve stability and a life free of unnecessary drama associated with your addiction to an unhealthy relationship. This is the part, your role in all this, that you control.
He has repeatedly stolen from you, your kids, your mom and his parents.This guy must be 30+/- by now. He's a convicted criminal and an addict. What possible good can come of keeping someone like this in your life and the life of your children? What's in this for you and the children?
If you can't believe you are worth more than this, can you put your children first. They deserve stability and a life free of unnecessary drama associated with your addiction to an unhealthy relationship. This is the part, your role in all this, that you control.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 76
Outtolunch, I don't know if you misread my post or what but I said I am leaving in 2 weeks. I am just letting my daughter finish her last two weeks of school before moving out. I have already talked to people to help me move and am moving back to my mothers house by the beginning of July at the latest.
I was in a very bad place before (year and a half ago) and really gave it once last chance because I bought into the promises and bs while he was 'clean' and in jail. He promised to a lot of things that fell through and seeing that he is using pills now is just the final straw for me.
The drama isn't really there with any regard of me trying to control now or anything. I see that it is happening and have made the decision to leave for my children and myself. I don't understand where your comment came from. I don't want to be punished for mistakes I made in the past especially when I am trying to do better now and in the future.
I was in a very bad place before (year and a half ago) and really gave it once last chance because I bought into the promises and bs while he was 'clean' and in jail. He promised to a lot of things that fell through and seeing that he is using pills now is just the final straw for me.
The drama isn't really there with any regard of me trying to control now or anything. I see that it is happening and have made the decision to leave for my children and myself. I don't understand where your comment came from. I don't want to be punished for mistakes I made in the past especially when I am trying to do better now and in the future.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by want2Bfree325 
Outtolunch, I don't know if you misread my post or what but I said I am leaving in 2 weeks. I am just letting my daughter finish her last two weeks of school before moving out.
You are doing the best thing for yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
W2B,
Thanks for the update. As difficult as it is to leave, what you are doing is right and necessary for your children (who should be first priority), yourself, and believe it or not - your BF. So long as he is able to stay in that grey area of non-recovery he'll never change, because he is able to have a little of everything that he wants (his support network and his addiction). Your leaving increases the odds that he will recognize that he and he alone is responsible for the chaos and destruction that came from his addiction. But it only increases the odds, which are long indeed.
You ended your post with a statement of how much you love him. I understand that, but for the sake of your children I would suggest that you need to move forward assuming that he will never again be in your life. In my limited experience with sobriety, given his history I would guess it would be at least two years before it would be appropriate to consider resuming any relationship with him. And that assumes he starts today and works his butt off on sobriety without relapse or self delusion in the meantime. Sad fact is - that is not likely.
The good news is this: recovery is a journey - I had no idea a life like this was even possible but somehow I got to this place. Took a lot of work, and I still go to 5 or more meetings a week (I will have 18 months on the 22nd), but if you can somehow find the faith to stick with it, amazing things are possible.
Peace, W2B.
Thanks for the update. As difficult as it is to leave, what you are doing is right and necessary for your children (who should be first priority), yourself, and believe it or not - your BF. So long as he is able to stay in that grey area of non-recovery he'll never change, because he is able to have a little of everything that he wants (his support network and his addiction). Your leaving increases the odds that he will recognize that he and he alone is responsible for the chaos and destruction that came from his addiction. But it only increases the odds, which are long indeed.
You ended your post with a statement of how much you love him. I understand that, but for the sake of your children I would suggest that you need to move forward assuming that he will never again be in your life. In my limited experience with sobriety, given his history I would guess it would be at least two years before it would be appropriate to consider resuming any relationship with him. And that assumes he starts today and works his butt off on sobriety without relapse or self delusion in the meantime. Sad fact is - that is not likely.
The good news is this: recovery is a journey - I had no idea a life like this was even possible but somehow I got to this place. Took a lot of work, and I still go to 5 or more meetings a week (I will have 18 months on the 22nd), but if you can somehow find the faith to stick with it, amazing things are possible.
Peace, W2B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Your unborn baby and your children will thank you for taking charge of your life and not raising them in a household full of drug addiction, dysfunction and the sickness that comes with it. Good job mom. Look forward to getting updates on how things are going.
We have unlimited potential inside us. We just need to free ourselves from the chains that hold us back achieving our goals. Freedom and success are within your grasp.
We have unlimited potential inside us. We just need to free ourselves from the chains that hold us back achieving our goals. Freedom and success are within your grasp.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 76
I just wanted to post and say that I finally left for good. It has been over a month now and my life as well my children's are so much better. Although there is a still a long journey ahead of us with court battles and such, I am finally free of the abusive mess that I had been holding on to for so many years now. I am in a really good support group, going to therapy, starting school in 2 weeks, and my children are very happy which is the most important thing to me. Looking back now, I still can't believe what I put up with and allowed into my life but there isn't much I can do about the past except learn and heal from it and move on to a healthier and much, much happier life. Thank you all for your support and kind words since my joining this group a few years back. Although I wasn't someone on here religiously, the times that I did seek help and/or just an ear to listen to my problems, I found support and that meant more than you could possibly ever know.
Thanks for listening
-- Want2bfree325
Thanks for listening
-- Want2bfree325
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by want2Bfree325
I am in a really good support group, going to therapy, starting school in 2 weeks, and my children are very happy which is the most important thing to me.
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