lightseeker

well.....getting ready to move tomorrow. I feel like packing and moving has turned into my new hobby.

As I packed today a woman came by to look at the rental house that I have been in (my bro-in-law') She is a beautiful woman with 3 children 2, 5, 7. Her husband is unemployed, abusive, alcoholic, and a gambling addict. She is struggling with that abuse cycle that is so insidious. We talked for a bit and I did my best to reach out a hand to her and be supportive. The main that I told her was to be safe, think about your kids (you're either teaching them how to accept abuse or how to be an abuser), and you'll know when you are ready. My sister said that she texted her a little bit later and said that she wants to move in the 1st of August. I hope that she will follow through with it. It made me glad for all the things that I did to improve the place....I hope that it will be a place of healing for her and her kids.

I am having a lot of mixed feelings....anticipation, overwhelm, and just plain weird. I'm looking forward to purging the house of the "ghosts" that seemed to be there today when I walked through.....lots of memories and things that triggered sadness in me. My husband worked so hard on the landscaping, addition, home maintenance. There is evidence of so much hard work. But.....there was no hard work done on himself or our relationship. It's just so sad. But the only thing sadder would be still being in the house with him there.

My boys are doing "ok".....looking forward to getting back into the house but REALLY tired of moving. Resentful that I married him, had to move in the first place, etc. I am hoping that we will find a lot of peace and healing as we work on making it "our house" again.

I'm going to post a flyer in the resident's lounge at the hospital. Hopefully I will be able to find a great match for us and them. There is also a law school in Charlotte where I might find a housemate. Someone also suggested short term rental to people coming to town to help prepare for Democratic Nat'l Convention next summer. Lots of good ideas.

Just checking in....felt really discombobulated earlier today but a little better now. It all just feels surreal and weird to be moving back into my home that I had completely said goodbye to.....

laurie6781

I have, of course, been following your 'journey.'

I have to say, that none of this is 'coincidence' in my book. HP figured you needed to leave 'your home' to get yourself better and get your wits back around you. That move also put you where you were today to be able to pass on some ES & HOPE to someone else in need. I too hope for her and her children's sake that she does move in.

Now you are going back to the home that you do care about, had resigned yourself to losing, but now can make New Memories in it for yourself and your children.

I believe your HP is watching over you and will guide you to get a reliable 'boarder' of good character and sound mind.

Your recovery is definitely showing! May you continue to move forward in journey to peace, serenity, and happiness.

Love and hugs,

dollydo

Glad that you are moving back home! Yeah, as soon as they have to dig into their pockets the story all changes!

Enjoy your day, I know everything will work out ok.

lightseeker

Laurie,

You are so right about what you wrote. I feel a sense of understanding of all this moving.....defnitely feel like my experiences, fixing up this place, just "doing it", have helped another woman in an abusive situation move in a more positive direction. She texted me last night and is doing it!

There is no doubt that this was all God/HP doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. 100% am getting/knowing/feeling that. Truly believe that my ex took my house away from me and God gave it back. My awareness now is of the brilliance of his/her plan that way surpasses my vision. I'm learning how to state what I want but to turn it over and TRUST that HP will come up with exactly the right thing at the right time. Living in that place truly does decrease levels of anxiety/worry. Curious about how HP is going to have this continue to unfold. I was was about as bleak/discouraged as you can get. Totally resigned to what was - and then in the space of 4 days I'll be sleeping in my home tonight. I don't have a bed - but I can make a pallet and be grateful for it!

Thank you for your friendship, ESH, and perspectives. Don't doubt for a minute the importance of all of it. I feel you in me as I move forward........it's a beautiful thing this recovery............

Peace!

butterflyflight

So familiar with that one. I was only away from my home a little more than a month but going back was weird. Its taken time, but my oldest son and I high fived yesterday as we realized, almost nothing decor wise is same now, it took time, piece by piece we changed the whole look, donations, friends, yard sales and yesterday I saw a picture at a yard sale it was torn and I had no $ left it. Then last night I drove up to the store and it was sitting at the trash. They'd run over it so noone would take it...I did, we immediately found pain in garage, it matches sooooo perfect, we fixed the tear with an artist fling and Im looking for silk ivy at a craft store to glue and cover where their car cracked it, but I can make it look good. We've left a few things, things that remind us of happier times, but chosen together not just on him. It all really helped chase away the ghosts of past, we are maintaining the yard, my AH is bipolar so when sober and manic he did awesome awesome landscaping.

How does the Koi pond look?

lightseeker

So......the movers are all gone now, the rental is cleaned up/spruced up for the next tenant (a woman with 3 kids leaving her addict/abuser), and I've unpacked 27 boxes so far. We are still awash in plenty of them though.

The TV's and the Direct TV boxes are not connected (yet) and my boys are going to figure it out today (otherwise is 196.00 for technician to come out). The fish are still alive, and the TOILET is spraying odorizer, warming my butt, and performing all of it's magic! I have been sleeping on the floor but now have a bed coming tomorrow. My bro-in-law refunded my July rent and so I had the money to buy a bed....very glad due to my hips/back are getting achy from the pallet on the floor.

I'm having moments of sadness/heartache at fleeting times (seeing the empty bedroom of the step-son that I really liked, the rose bed, the koi swimming) but for the most part doing okay. Now I am figuring out the finances, looking to get a house mate, renegotiating rates/fees (people will work with you sometimes I've found) to save money any way that I can.

Boys are doing great...such loves. They are happy to be back in their space with friends nearby....and no abusive step-father. My 17 year old son unbeknownst to me wrote my ex an email Saturday night that was the most heartfelt, sad, witnessing, beautiful thing that I had ever read....all about what it was like for him to hear his mother abused and he and his brother disparaged frequently. How it felt to find his mother being choked and how his innocence and childhood were taken from him. It was heartbreaking but by the same token amazing to hear him speak so eloquently and wisely...He wrote it from the "I" place....no accusations/disparaging remarks - only his perspective and experience. He wrote it from a junk email account because he did not want to see my ex's response...he knew that it would be full of excuses/explanations. My ex did respond and sent me a copy. Of course, it was all about him and how he wouldn't have acted the way he did if it weren't for me ("I choked your mother because I was afraid someone would hear her"). The brilliantly hysterical part of this is that he forwarded both emails to another Donna - not me. A Donna that works for his ex wife. Don't you just love karmic justice? This ex wife is still enabling him, willing to pay for a smarter lawyer to combat my smart lawyer, acting as his advisor, etc. Oh yeah, this is the ex wife whose sister he slept with which is why she finally kicked him out. How do we spell healthy boundaries????????

Anyway....I feel like my nervous system is beginning to relax and not feel like someone is going to start yelling at me for no or little reason. I spilled a little bit of coffee this morning and actually laughed.....I can't tell you the hours of negativity and lecturing that I have endured over the same thing in the past. I wiped the dang spill up...end of story!

So.....I feel like I am getting into a different place. I am so grateful that today I am not feeling bitter but grateful. I'm letting it go...slowly but surely. The joy I have from watching my dog leap around the yard, my son, Wolf, setting up his recording studio in the shed, my other son hanging with friends.....ahhhhhhh.....that is some GOOD stuff.

I'm still completely amazed and blown away that I am sitting in the house that I bought in 2004. If you had told me this last week I would have wondered what you were smoking. HP is something else and I feel like I have really had a huge example of what can happen when you truly turn it over and reach a place of acceptance. I want to remain awake to that....to remember that I am not in charge but that I can and will do the legwork. As they say....more will be revealed.

Butterfly.....I love your story of the painting.....your own little miracle. What a metaphor for life. Girl....we're going to come out the other side of this.....we are coming out the other side of this.

Everyone - thank you so much for your support and all of your ESH. Leaving an abuser is even more difficult than I EVER realized and definitely more emotionally complicated than I anticipated. I am so aware of how much support the abused woman needs and how she has to be empowered and not judged. Lots of "you will be okay, you can do it, it's worth it, keep moving forward, etc." really is what makes the difference. I don't think that I would have had the courage to do what I did if it weren't for all of you....especially the ones that have done it and could report from "the other side". Carrying the message is imperative. It truly does save lives....... THANK YOU ONE AND ALL!!!!!!

catlovermi

What an excellent point. I wish we had a sticky primer to help us on this. It's so easy to get triggered and start to judge folks who "don't move fast enough."

I know part of my recent journey has been to exercise how to support without triggering myself and starting to push or judge, so your words struck a chord with me, reading this. I've found this to be one more area where formerly reactive patterns need to be re-learned into mindful living and actions and words.

CLMI

lightseeker

Cat,

you inspired me! I started a thread on ideas on how to help and support someone in an abusive situation. I hope that lots of people will add to it......that was a great idea!

butterflyflight

Light, I read your post and got all choked up. I feel your anxiousness(not sure if thats the word Im looking for) and strength, and it all rings so familiar. Im happy your son was able to put his feelings to words. (and many of us, I know I, needed to read you exs reply to him blaming-those exact words and scenario is what brought the tears)
Ill think of you as your putting your world together, and be careful of tenants, Im sure you'll run background ect.

lightseeker

Butterfly,

it still chokes me up too....it's becoming clearer to me what the 3 of us endured and how we (I) normalized behavior/treatment that was just wrong.

I am planning to post a flyer at the hospital for a resident to be our housemate. I figured they are partially vetted and then I can look into it further. They are so busy during residency that it's likely that they would not even be here that much.

Hope things are going ok with you.... moving on....one foot in front of the other....!

Donna