Any advice would be appreciated

Old 07-19-2011, 08:44 PM
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Any advice would be appreciated

Wow, I can't believe I just accidentally found this site. I was looking to see how I can turn a pawn claim over to my bf (ex-bf as of late) who is an addict (alcohol and drugs). This site happened to be one of the first search results and did it ever ring true with me...

I have been dating a "man" (almost 40, but acts like he's still in high school) who is *ack* a "musician".. No offense to any musicians out there, but I have always had relationships with more "safe" and reliable men. In addition, I don't see that he has made more than $200 in a This one came out of nowhere and has turned my whole life upside down and then some. After being together for a very short time, I allowed him to move in with me. BIG mistake! I quickly found out his dependence on drugs and alcohol. The alcohol on the surface doesn't seem bad, but it gets worse and worse before he stops for awhile. Then he would start up again and it just gets heavier and heavier. I'm not sure the drugs ever stop for very long. When I would get upset because his drugs/alcohol was/is making him very volatile and difficult to say the least, all the promises in the world come out of his mouth to stay together. Long story as short as I can make it, I had to call the cops on him and have him removed from my home. He was living off me and spending every dime I had and not paying anything toward the place or even utilities. I think the total amount of cash he put into our "relationship" was about $1,000 compared to the $20,000 we managed to spend on a place to live, bills, his habits, etc... I didn't end up getting a restraining order at the time and eventually let him back in my life but would never let him move back in with me. I did however let him back in from an emotional level. Big, big mistake and it's still costing me.

I am realizing now just how much of a co-dependent I am when it comes to him. I do not feel like I am a co-dependent and am more of a loner except with him (I'm not sure yet what AD and AH are, so sorry I'm not using all the correct terminology). I WANT to not care for him and I want to just never think about him again, but I won't lie... I have failed miserably at getting him out of my life months ago. I have lost out on a couple good jobs and was even let go from a job because I became very ill. After thousands of dollars and several tests, it appears that I contracted shingles without the rash (it's a virus that lies dormant in one region of the body until something triggers it). My Dr.s tell me that shingles is primarily caused from stress. My gut knows all too well the source of the stress, so why do I keep letting him in my life??

Today was unbelievable.. I finally landed a great job and I am supposed to start in the next few weeks. I had been waiting for a call from my new boss, but instead I was bombarded with texts and calls from the addict. He's beside himself because the person he was living with asked him to move out at the end of the month. I am 99% sure it is because he is costing his buddy money and he just wants the addict out of his house too. He knows I landed the job and seems to be trying to sabotage me yet again!! Today was just too much for me. I wouldn't pick up the phone and just kept texting him to leave me alone. Instead, he told me he HAD to have the $15 for his pawned item TODAY and tomorrow or the next day would be too late. What? $15?? Oh, he also said he just got paid $40 Monday but all that money is gone.. hmmm...
I pawned this item for him today. He can't because his Driver's License has been expired for 10 YEARS! - no, I don't know why, and I figure if I ask him again he'll just make up something else. This morning he told me I could just use it for gas and pay him back this weekend. All of a sudden now he just has to have it today or all is lost? Something is beyond fishy. Here is my take: he knows he's not wanted where he is right now, so he is finding any excuse to stay with me he can. When I kept telling him "no, not today", I finally just yelled and told him I've had enough and he needs to find another mark and another sucker. Like an idiot (and b/c I just wanted to give him the money and get rid of him), I told him I would be at my place in 5 minutes so I at least had time to get out of my car and wait for him outside so he wouldn't have a chance to make it to my door. Not even one minute later I pull around the corner to my house and he's sitting in his car. When I told him I would not let him come in, he started the begging and playing the dumb/"I don't understand" act. Here's the rub... he's not dumb. He's quite bright. He's actually one of the best con artists I've ever met. I got so upset that yet again I allowed him to take me off my game. He stepped right in front of my car and would not let me go forward. I had to back my car up a full block, right past my mailman in reverse, to get away from him. I went around a few blocks and parked to collect my thoughts and composure. Next thing I know he pulls up beside me and completely pulls to the side and in front of me, blocking me in my car against a curb blocks from my house. I told him to move the car and he wouldn't. I immediately got scared and dialed 911. He heard me talking to them and took off, flipping me off as he drove down the street. I thought that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. He called me over 50 times over the next couple hours.

Hearing stories and seeing some of the info here really makes me realize I'm not alone. Thank you to all of you who are taking the time to try and help people like me. I never ever thought I would be in this position. Please give me the strength to deal with this and get my life back together! Thanks to all of you again in advance. I am open to any thoughts any of you have.
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:22 PM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery.

I hope you have those calls, and texts on your phone. Go to the nearest LAPD station and report him as a STALKER and that you are fearful of what he will do next. That will allow you to get a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) and in 3 weeks if he does not show at court (he won't when they can't find him) you can get a PRO (permanent restraining order). You give copies of the TRO first to your your local station and then the PRO when it is issued.

As soon as he pulls anything again, you call 911 and tell them you have a TRO or PRO and you will b amazed how quick they respond.

I will give LAPD a lot of credit in that they are very responsive to 'stalker calls, TRO's and PRO's' because they all lead to domestic violence, and domestic violence is the most dangerous call a police officer goes on.

You are definitely doing the correct thing for you.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:47 PM
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Thank you so much, Laurie. I still can't believe I found this site just trying to find out how to have a pawn shop release his things without me having to ever see him again. I didn't understand it before, but now I see that he uses anything, regardless of how petty or small it is, to keep me in his life. I always knew he had that side, my stubbornness (and I guess my ego!) let me think I was smart enough to handle the games. I was very, very wrong.

I also give the LAPD a HUGE amount of credit. When I called them to get him out of my home, they took me outside and sort of said that it was my own fault for letting him in my home and that they might not be able to do anything since I had no physical marks. However, once these women (yes, two WONDERFUL female police officers) met him, they recognized the behavior as he played Mr. Innocent. They were very firm with him and made him call his friend and sent him outside to wait for his buddy. I couldn't believe they scared a guy who has laughed at the police almost since I met him. Ahhh, hindsight, right?

Luckily I did call 911 today, so they have the call on record. I'm also lucky my mailman and a bike rider each saw one of the events where he boxed me in my car with his car. I am heading to the police station to file a report now. I really didn't want to have to go through the whole court thing since I am just starting a new job soon, but I know now this is what I need to do.

I think your tagline is absolutely hysterical! I've been through Alligator Ally a few times and it's a great analogy!
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Old 07-19-2011, 10:23 PM
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With our Addicted Daughters (AD) and Addicted Husbands (AH) and other addicted folk, I've discovered that I will never. Ever. Nope, not ever, ever, ever receive "permission" to set a boundary. But I was always asking and threatening and trying to get agreement from the addict. Looking back, I feel kinda silly. But today, they never even know that I've changed my email or taken the phone off the hook, or don't respond to texts. Because I don't tell them. So they find someone else to pick on, lean on, live off of and use.

I wish you the best.

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Old 07-19-2011, 10:50 PM
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I completely understand what you're saying, BigSis. I'm usually the person who tells people I don't want them to change and they need to be who they are and we will be together if it's a good match. However, this addiction is worse than anything I've experienced. I never thought I would be in a relationship with an addict and it is so difficult. I've blocked him on my cell and email, but my phone company for my landline says they can't block cell numbers. I paid for the subscription to block him, but it won't work. I've had the number for years and was being stubborn about it, but I have to pick and choose my battles. A great phone number is hard to get, but my sanity is worth keeping!! LOL!

I had a friend who does automatic writing. She told me so may things about him that were completely on point... even quirky sayings he has. She told me our breakup would be very ugly. She's never been wrong. I wish I would have talked to her before I ever dated him. But what you say about them finding someone else to pick on, live off of, and use is exactly what my friend told me a few weeks ago. She said once I completely stop giving him what he wants, he'll move on to someone who will give him that. The smarter person already knew this, but I guess the brick and the roof had to hit me in the head before I listened to my heart. I have heard "I'm sorry" followed by the opposite actions for so long now... he told me through his actions he would never get help; I just didn't listen. I did give him several chances, but I think I was just asking for him to stay in my life longer until I was truly ready to learn the lesson.

Thank you for your insights. It really helps a lot
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Old 07-20-2011, 02:39 AM
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BigSis is right, it will never be okay with them, they will just continue to try to find new buttons to push until they "get it" that we are done, finished and over and out.

He sounds dangerous, sorry to say that but really he does. He is a desperate man who will do anything to get his drugs. I agree that now is the time to go to the police and get an order to keep him away. It might also be a good time to get an alarm system and keep yourself safe.

I too found SR by accident. Had never been on a message board in my life and landed smack dab in the middle of this one. That was over 9 years ago and I've never looked back. There are no "accidents", I believe I was led and am grateful every day here.

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Old 07-20-2011, 08:07 AM
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Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you stumbled onto this forum. It is full of very loving, caring people with a whole lot of collective wisdom about addiction.

It sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. Good for you! You really don't need this nonsense when you are trying to get settled into a new job.

This guy does sound scary, out of control, intimidating. Those behaviors don't miraculously get better. My son is an addict. I called the police on him when he was in my house a few months ago (he was wigging out, throwing things, screaming, cursing, slamming doors, etc.). I never thought in a million years I would ever do something like that but I did. He scared me. He now says that he won't come over to our house because I called the police and tries to make me feel as though I was in the wrong to do it. That's fine with me. If he can't control himself, I don't WANT him at my house. And if he is ever here and he goes berserk again, I would call the police again in a heartbeat. I don't allow anyone else to behave that way in my house, why on earth would I let him? Just because he's my son? Doesn't work that way.

You're doing great and we're glad you're here (not for the reason that brought you here but that you found the SR forum). Stories of how people extract themselves from the addict in their lives are very useful to others here on the forum. I hope you stick around and continue to share how you are doing so that others can learn from your experiences.

gentle hugs
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