AS Is relentless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
AS Is relentless
AS is living in a homeless shelter in the next town over. His probation officer called this week, we told her he no longer is here. Of course he has breached his probation -he will go back to jail again. He called this week and we notified him to call her. He flew off the handle, thanked us for sending him back to jail. Do they never take responsibility ? All I said to him was if he didnt take responsibility for his action, he would face the consequences.
He has called us at least 20 times in the last three days. We just keep hanging up or dont answer the phone. Truthfully I would change the number if my spouse didnt use the number for business. He is relentless in trying to get us to help him." he is going to kill himself, all his belongings have been stolen ( he doesnt own anything), he is starving to death, he has had to sleep outside. Last nite he leaves a message, obviously high and drunk called to say this is his last call as he will no longer be on earth. This is so hard cutting him off, but not as hard as having his chaos around. I am so tired of his promises, his chaos, his lies, his verbal abuse. etc. He is 24 and never has had a job. We have told him, until he is in recovery he is not welcome in our lives. We will help him with nothing that he can not do for himself. Trying to stay strong, everyday is a challenge.
He has called us at least 20 times in the last three days. We just keep hanging up or dont answer the phone. Truthfully I would change the number if my spouse didnt use the number for business. He is relentless in trying to get us to help him." he is going to kill himself, all his belongings have been stolen ( he doesnt own anything), he is starving to death, he has had to sleep outside. Last nite he leaves a message, obviously high and drunk called to say this is his last call as he will no longer be on earth. This is so hard cutting him off, but not as hard as having his chaos around. I am so tired of his promises, his chaos, his lies, his verbal abuse. etc. He is 24 and never has had a job. We have told him, until he is in recovery he is not welcome in our lives. We will help him with nothing that he can not do for himself. Trying to stay strong, everyday is a challenge.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I'm sorry (((Katie)))
I've been through similar ( the threats, the pity etc). It took me a while before I could stay in my correct frame of mind. And I too had to listen to the phone ring and not answer. Its a necessary action to maybe, just maybe, force them to find another way to try and get what they want. Sooner or later all bridges are burned and they are forced to reckon on their own. Trust me, at one time I was the Golden gate of bridges. Its sad, and painful, but what you're doing is being done out of love.
Could you and the hubby just escape for a day or so? I I've done that just to clear my head.
If he does find himself back in jail, he will be taken care of with three hots and a cot. Sadly, at times that is a preferred alternative, ya know?
Hang in there
(((Hugs)))
I've been through similar ( the threats, the pity etc). It took me a while before I could stay in my correct frame of mind. And I too had to listen to the phone ring and not answer. Its a necessary action to maybe, just maybe, force them to find another way to try and get what they want. Sooner or later all bridges are burned and they are forced to reckon on their own. Trust me, at one time I was the Golden gate of bridges. Its sad, and painful, but what you're doing is being done out of love.
Could you and the hubby just escape for a day or so? I I've done that just to clear my head.
If he does find himself back in jail, he will be taken care of with three hots and a cot. Sadly, at times that is a preferred alternative, ya know?
Hang in there
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
katie
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It really messes with a mother's mind. But he knows that. I do understand what you are dealing with as our son has done the same thing and is in a similar position--homeless and has lost everything. It hurts.
We have to do this out of love for our adult sons and our own sanity. If we give in, we all go down with them.
You and your son will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It really messes with a mother's mind. But he knows that. I do understand what you are dealing with as our son has done the same thing and is in a similar position--homeless and has lost everything. It hurts.
We have to do this out of love for our adult sons and our own sanity. If we give in, we all go down with them.
You and your son will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
((Katie)) I am so sorry for your pain ... stay strong, know that you are doing the right thing. Everything he is doing right now is motivated by his addiction .... everything you are doing is motivated by love .... even though it doesn't always look like it I really believe that love always wins. I don't know if you have a higher power but mine tells me what love looks like in 1 Corinthians chapter 13 ... I hang on to that. Praying for you today.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Katie, I know how hard this is for you and send hugs.
He knows where helps is when he is ready. He knows where to find detox, rehabs (Salvation Army rehabs are free), meetings and support...all he has to do is make a choice to live better.
You know you are not the solution, he will learn that now too and maybe look at something more appropriate...when he is ready.
You are doing the right thing. Doesn't make it easy but it's still the right thing.
Mama to Mama Hugs
He knows where helps is when he is ready. He knows where to find detox, rehabs (Salvation Army rehabs are free), meetings and support...all he has to do is make a choice to live better.
You know you are not the solution, he will learn that now too and maybe look at something more appropriate...when he is ready.
You are doing the right thing. Doesn't make it easy but it's still the right thing.
Mama to Mama Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Katie))) - sending big hugs and prayers your way. I do like the idea of you and hubby getting away for a day, if it's possible.
I was the opposite..I shut my family totally out when I was using. However, dad has told me of the constant worry, the wondering if I was dead or alive. I had to get to the point where I'd had enough..the consequences just got too much and I said "I can't do this any more". It's different for all of us and I pray he finds his own bottom soon.
I'm now dealing with my niece, who is the closest I have to my own child, and she's showing every sign of following in her family's footsteps of drowning feelings with some type of substance (we're not bio-related, and both sides of her family have/had issues). It hurts, knowing I can't do anything to change it other than set a good example, and set boundaries. I would love to save her from the path she seems to be walking on, but I'm just not that powerful.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I was the opposite..I shut my family totally out when I was using. However, dad has told me of the constant worry, the wondering if I was dead or alive. I had to get to the point where I'd had enough..the consequences just got too much and I said "I can't do this any more". It's different for all of us and I pray he finds his own bottom soon.
I'm now dealing with my niece, who is the closest I have to my own child, and she's showing every sign of following in her family's footsteps of drowning feelings with some type of substance (we're not bio-related, and both sides of her family have/had issues). It hurts, knowing I can't do anything to change it other than set a good example, and set boundaries. I would love to save her from the path she seems to be walking on, but I'm just not that powerful.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Katie,
Hugs from me, too... A while back when things had gotten particularly awful, I went "no contact" with my 34-yo AS for about 4 months.
While I had many sleepless nights and "stomach churning" fears, I stuck with it simply because it was a matter of survival for me. Also, because I truly believed it was the only way for him to experience the full consequences of his decisions.
If you have any doubts about it, I would encourage you to talk with recovered AA's or NA's or any RA. When they shared what worked for them, they never said, "My Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Aunt, etc. took care of me so I could continue to shoot, drink, use, etc."
They said things like:
Stay strong, Sweetheart. It's truly the only way.... but, you already knew that.
with love
,
Hunny
Hugs from me, too... A while back when things had gotten particularly awful, I went "no contact" with my 34-yo AS for about 4 months.
While I had many sleepless nights and "stomach churning" fears, I stuck with it simply because it was a matter of survival for me. Also, because I truly believed it was the only way for him to experience the full consequences of his decisions.
If you have any doubts about it, I would encourage you to talk with recovered AA's or NA's or any RA. When they shared what worked for them, they never said, "My Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Aunt, etc. took care of me so I could continue to shoot, drink, use, etc."
They said things like:
"I found myself alone on the street in the only clothes I owned when a van pulled up and offered me recovery."
"I left to get high one day and my mother and sister had the locks changed on the house while I was gone. When I got home, my things were on the porch. They didn't answer the door...."
"Sometimes, it's a hard lesson to learn. I relapsed and lost everything... my wife, my children who I still cannot see, my home, my job. I'm back in recovery now."
I now have limited contact with my AS. Nothing has changed for him, but everything has changed for me. I allow myself only 5 minutes a day to worry about him and grieve for what may never be. Then, I say a prayer for him and go on to live my life.... not his. "I left to get high one day and my mother and sister had the locks changed on the house while I was gone. When I got home, my things were on the porch. They didn't answer the door...."
"Sometimes, it's a hard lesson to learn. I relapsed and lost everything... my wife, my children who I still cannot see, my home, my job. I'm back in recovery now."
Stay strong, Sweetheart. It's truly the only way.... but, you already knew that.
with love
, Hunny
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