lightseeker

Spoke with my lawyer today and my estranged husband is sueing me for "equitable distribution" from the sale of our house. He wants 80K.....I had put a good sume of money down in equity on my house way before I met him. I had worked hard for all of that money and it was meant for my retirement. Since my house sold and we paid off mortgage and HEL's from the addition that he did (against my express wishes) there is now an amount left over that is already 20K short of what I put down in the first place..... and now he is sueing me for 80K of It???????????

My lawyer said that basically it will cost me 20-30K to fight him for it. And then, a judge might decide that I have to give him the 80K. So.....I should settle.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I AM HAVING TO PAY SOMEONE FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING BEEN ABUSED BY THEM. My ex has a sizable inheritance and he is seeking my money??????????????

And then he sends me an email stating that he loves me...will take care of me as long as we are involved...will share his assets. Oh-----and he is willing to forgive me for all of this and put it behind him.

I am praying for a way to only have to give him the most minimal amount. Just needed to vent. The one thing in my life that I have never been is bitter and I can feel it creeping in on me. This is just wrong!

How do you get past bitterness. I do not want to carry this poison within me. I am trying to look at it that any amount that I have to pay to be done with him is money well spent. But it's just wrong......

newnormal4me

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say! ****{Hugs}}}

cogito

I would save those emails and fight it. You may be able to counter-sue for court costs. Definitely talk to a lawyer - or at the very least post to an online legal forum and see what advice you get. I certainly would not listen to HIS lawyer for advice!
I'm so sorry you even have to deal with this. As if you haven't already payed enough!

laurie6781

I certainly would save those emails that have the 'date and time' on them. I also would get a 2nd and/or if need be a 3rd legal opinion.

In 'community property states' the couple only splits what wa obtained during the marriage, not what was accrued by each prior to the marriage and they have to 'show' what each did accrue during the marriage.

In a 'non community property' state, I believe you still each have to prove what you each contributed to the marital estate.

Hopefully Lexie Cat will be along to maybe clarify a bit more.

However, I still maintain I would definitely get a 2nd and possibly a 3rd opinion.

Sounds to me like this lawyer may be a 'wee bit' lazy so is trying to scare you with costs so he doesn't have to do a lot of work.

J M H O

Love and hugs,


ps: remember we are walking with you in spirit.
-

greeteachday

Bitterness is a really yucky feeling, but maybe this particular circumstance is HP's way of making sure that you don't have doubts or second thoughts about moving forward and away from him? Hugs...I am so sorry you have to deal with it - hope it resolves itself soon and the best way possible for you and the boys.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Divorce is the pits. It can make a sane person crazy....and when you're dealing with an addict to boot....double nuts.

Breathe. Count to a million.

You'll be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

lightseeker

all that ya'll have said is so true. I am getting second opinions. Fortunately, one of my best friends is the chief justice of our court system in Charlotte. She is actually who helped to hand pick the attorney for me. The law is just so complicated.

I am saving all emails. He is vindictive, only cares about money, and is insane....all my opinions...obviously. LOL.

It is what it is. The problem is that he pulled a 250K "marital debt" out of his *ss that I am partially responsible for. I just now found out about it. It's going to cost money to get to the bottom of it.....apparently it's a "hand shake loan" from his brother so I'm not sure how that is a real loan. I'm meeting with my attorney on Monday morning at 9....so all good thoughts are appreciated.

Last week I found a series of emails (was at the house doing the final move and went to check my email)...when I went to the 'puter his email was open and there these nasties were...my codie relapse occurred and I read them.....he contacted an old girlfriend 2 days after I left, contacted a couple he used to have sex with (great news, huh?), and then another couple on Craig's list. He told them how he liked a little man to man action if a woman was there....Pulleaze. Oh....and how good looking he is.

Yes....HP is reminding me day after day, event after event what I'm missing out on. Somehow I have to turn this around in my head that instead of having to give him my money I need to see that I am buying my sanity/life. Maybe things will turn out better than it sounds right now.

Nasty stuff this divorce thing....and Kindeyes, you are right....it's so much worse with someone with addict thinking.

rose

It is so hard as the Law very from every which way. But my first thought was just as Cynical said, put in a claim to his inheritance. Also go and get a Certificate of Pending Litigation put on the home, the lawyer did it for me and it sure saved my but in many ways. What is does is stop anyone from putting liens on your home, well they can put one on, but it doesn't put them in the pot for any pay outs, their lein is useless. I think the only one that can over ride this is the government. I was just thinking about the handshake loan he took out with his brother-in-law, should he decide to lien your home to get his money back, he is out of luck. I just know in my situation with the house there were many of my exah's creditors trying to get there hands in there but had success. Though if there are any liens on there now, those ones are in the pot, but they do have a time limit and will expirer. I really had no idea what this ment where my lawyer went a head and did it, but I sure did understand just how important it was when it came down to it. If there are any leins, check out the expiry date and maybe if it is possible slow things down a bit so they expire and if they would have to re-lein but this Certificate would prevent it. I do believe that this Certificate of Pending Litigation has the same acts no matter where we live.

Wishing you all the best,

Rose

Sunshine2

LightSeeker, I don't know if sharing my story may make you feel better. 20+ years ago I went back to my XH and we bought a house together. I paid 95% deposit, he 5%. The moment the house was transferred to our name, he started abusing me again. I moved out.

He refused to move out and made it impossible for agents to come by and try and sell the house. I had to pay half the bond, my own apartment + most expenses for our son. It was crippling.

I became so bitter I would lie awake at night wondering how I could get him back. Murder even crossed my mind. My health was suffering, I was mentally on the verge of collapsing. I could not belief the father of my child could be so mean and nasty and that life could be so unfair.

One night, I realised that if I continue on the path of bitterness, I was going to collapse. I let go. I wrote the money off in my mind and made a decision to move forward with my life. I stopped paying half the house. He remained in the house and started paying the full amount. Because of this, I would end up without a cent when the house got sold. I made peace with that.

Fast forward 5 years. He got fired from his job and had to sell our house he was still living in. I refused to sign the offer (needed both our signatures) unless I got my deposit + interest back. He was furious as he wanted to get all the profit, but had to sell the house and had to agree.

Now, 20 odd years later, I still own the next house I bought. He rents a tiny place. He is paying off a crippling gambling debt.

What seemed like an unfair, insurmountable situation, is now merely a blip in my memory.

My advice would be to do what you can to get fair treatment, but if you are unsuccesful, let it go. In the end, justice seems to be served anyway even though it may take years.

newpat

Sunshine2 offers some very good advice. I am listening. I had a very similar financial relationship with my ex. We are selling the house as we speak, and after we split the profit 50-50, I have to give him 51K. That's because when we settled up there was more money in my name than his. That's because he spent all the money that was in his name on strippers and pros. He went through 388,000 of inherited money over 10 years, and there was nothing I could do about it. I took my attorney's advice that if it went to court (NJ)it would be 50/50 anyway, and cost me another 20. So, I am trying to look at the good side of things: 1. He can't spend ANY MORE of my money
2. Grateful that there was money left to settle up
3. I have been sober ever since the initial shock wore off
And like Sunshine2, I have learned that holding a grudge and feeling bitter are luxuries that alcoholics can not afford. I am getting on with my life, and it's nice to not have to ask if I can spend money that I EARNED. If I hadn't gotten sober, I would still be in that same predicament, and with less money. Listen to your attorney, eat the losses, and move on. Mostly do not pick up a drink over it!

dollydo

I wouldn't panic, I never agree to or settle on the first offer thrown on the table. Look at this as a game of chess, strategy is an essential component of winning the game. If he wants 80k counter with something low, real low.

Remember one thing, attorneys, are there to advise you of the legal ramifications, they do not make the business decisions, those decisions are totally yours to make. I worked with attorneys for 35 years, if I had relied on their business expertise, the company I worked for would have lost billions. I couldn't do their job and they couldn't do mine.

When I got divorced, my ex wanted alimony, because he made less than me, my attorney recommended I pay it, there was no way I was going to do that, and I didn't. Then he decided he wanted me to give him 15K out of the home when sold to help him buy another, the attorney again recommended that I do it. I told him I would "lend" him the money, with a promissory note and 7% interest per annum, he decided that he didn't need the money.

Seeking another opinion is a good idea, I would also meet with my tax accountant, investigate any tax ramifications.

I agree with buying your sanity, however, there is such a thing as over paying for it.

whyme123

First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm in the legal field as well and agree with dollydo. Does your attorney know your situation and about his addiction?

Despite what most people believe, equitable distribution doesn't necessarily means settling 50/50. You mentioned that you live in South Carolina. Your state takes these factors into account:

In determining the appropriate property award the court will decide what is marital property and divided that property is an equitable fashion by considering the following factors: 1. the length of the marriage. 2. the age of the spouses. 3. marital fault or misconduct. 4. the current value of the property. 5. the contribution each spouse made to the acquisition of the property. 6. the income of each spouse. 7. the earning potential of each spouse. 8. the health of each spouse. 9. the need of each spouse. 10. the separate property of each spouse. 10. the retirement benefits of each spouse. 11. the tax consequences. 12. the expenses a debts of each spouse. 13. the custody arrangement if children are involved. 14. any other relevant factors. (Code of Laws for South Carolina - Chapter 3; Sections 20-7-472, 20-7-473)

A useful tip may be to jot down an explanation to each of the above so you can stay on track at your appointment. It helps to keep the emotions out of it and stay on course so you don't have that 'I should have said that' moment.

If your attorney does not have compassion for your situation or back you on your fight, then their not a good fit for you. This is your life! They go back to their home and life after court.

Re: inheritance, unfortunately that is not normally considered marital property. Get some legal advice on this.

Best of luck to you!

lightseeker

thanks everyone. I'm actually in NC not SC but the laws are very similar. My friend that is the judge says that it's not that my case isn't strong - it is. However, there are judges in Charlotte that rule all over the map and it would be a crap shoot to take it all the way to court.

I have met with financial advisor, 2 other attorneys, spoken with judge friend so I feel that I am pretty level headed. I know that ultimately I make the decision on how much I am willing to settle vs. going to court....still, it's really hard.

My husband has been sober since he moved into my house so the addiction isn't such an issue. The abuse apparently doesn't even factor in to the financial settlement. WHAT????

I was up until 4am this morning and feel like I have been having a 24 hour panic attack. I finally realized that this was the last night that I was ever going to spend torn up over him and messing up my life. I decided to turn it around and instead of focusing on the money that I am going to have to give him - focus instead on the fact that I am buying serenity and getting away from him. I'm trying to reconcile that HOPEFULLY, the most I will have to settle for is 50,000K....and hopefully much less. He is a horribly vendictive skank and he has certainly showed his true colors.

It really did throw me - has thrown me - is throwing me but I'm rowing myself back into shore. No matter where I have to live...no matter how modestly....at least it is not with him. I am working on forgiving myself for getting involved with him and throwing away my happiness and money. Oh to think that I had found my destiny. Talk about an addiction - I certainly had it bad for him.

I'm going to go lie down right now and rest for a bit. A friend offered me the opportunity to buy a 1/2 price massage and I'm going there at 4:00. Repeat after me...."I'm going to be fine".

I do know that it time that this will be blip. I will get to the point where I appreciate that the peace of mind was worth it. Right now....it's just a bitter pill to swallow...but I do know that I don't want to keep drinking the poison and expect him to die.....I don't want to have to pay him and then also feel like crap.

I'm be glad when Monday morning comes and I know more. I just hope that it isn't worse than it already is.....

Ann

I am glad you are getting lots of legal advice, and have a feeling that the end result will not be as bad as it seems now.

Regardless of how this unfolds, you have your life back, your freedom, good health and a mind that functions...all blessings that money can't buy.

You WILL be fine. Keep telling yourself that because I promise you it's true.

Big hugs because you sound like you could use some.

Sunshine2

This was one of the hardest things for me to do too. I forgave him long before I forgave myself for being so "stupid" to fall for someone like him. As it turned out, being with him was a good thing. For one, I learned to stand up for myself, to not be intimidated by bullies, not to fall for manipulation (although my son did manage this for quite a while ), to understand that the strength we show on the surface is but a hint of the strength that lies within us.

You WILL get through this.