Brother needs help understanding why girlfriend is moving on...
 

I think my brother could use some words of wisdom from both alcoholics and people who have left their alcoholic partners. My brother has been sober 46 days :c011: and I am very proud. Unfortunately what brought this accomplishment on was the final break-up with his girlfriend of 4 years. They were very serious as a couple, thinking of having kids and such but my brother's alcoholism was a serious problem too and she could no longer deal with it. Sadly our family did not see the severity of my brother's situation and his girlfriend basically went through this alone.
Now that you have a bit of the background let me explain what my brother is having a hard time dealing with. His eyes are open now and a lot of his ideals and dreams are in line with what his ex wanted in life but she has given up on my brother. She wants nothing more to do with my brother's problems, which I think is her own way of recovering from his alcoholism. He tried to apologize last week and she didn't want to hear it because she's heard it before. He's now found out she is possibly dating again and my brother is angry that she hasn't cared one way or another (that we know of) how his recovery is going, especially since he almost literally drank himself to death in the month after he left.
My brother knows after what all he put her through, her actions have been understandable but he's having trouble emotionally accepting that since he is making progress with his alcoholism and his way of thinking has grown and matured, kind of like he's fixed the problem, why doesn't she realize it? I think if my brother has a better understanding of why his ex is doing what she's doing he might find some peace knowing why she is moving on. I think he needs to know what he should expect from her and why. Thanks!

Welcome to SR. Your brother is facing a consequence of his actions. Sometimes, recovery just comes too late. After 4 years of dealing with him and his alcoholism, she's just had enough. When a person reaches the point where they've had enough, they are just done, regardless of whether the alcoholic enters recovery or not. Like you said...she's heard it all before. There are no guarantees that he won't go back to drinking and she's reached a point where it doesn't really matter anymore. She's done. It happens more often than you might think.

I hope your brother will continue on with recovery and find a program to help him. Just not drinking rarely works in the long term.

Thanks suki44883! Sadly that's kind of what I figured too. I should have mentioned he is in AA, he's got a sponsor and it's really been helpful to him.

I agree with both posters above. I was married to a guy with a really bad problem with pot and excessive drinking. When you deal with it, live with it, and try to resolve it without the participation of the one doing it......a person reaches a point of no return. I had to make a decision....live with this or start a new life. It's the old saying "A little too little, a little too late". For me, the pain caused by the process of leaving him was less than the pain of staying.

I sincerely hope that he sticks with sobriety and doesn't let this become an excuse to drink again. If he sticks with AA, he'll understand the concept of acceptance. He'll realize that his life can move in a positive forward direction. If her leaving him was the catalyst for his recovery, she saved his life.

gentle hugs
ke

Fudge nugget I put this in the wrong forum, should of posted it in friends and family: alcoholics. I've reposted this question to the correct forum but it doesn't matter where you reply, any input is helpful input!

I made a similar decision 5years ago when my husband (then boyfriend) was in rehab. He still accuses me of abandoning him when he 'needed' me most, but I literally had nothing left to give that would have helped him. I was struggling enough to manage myself! It's very hard, but it's breaking that cycle that actually helps. About two months after he completed rehab, clean and wanting to stay clean and actively attending meetings, having a sponser, etc. we got back together. Unfortunately, 5 years later I am back here. He has relapsed. I think perhaps I did us both a disservice by returning to the relationship.

Part of growing and maturing is realizing that life often isn't fair, nor is it what we would like it to be sometimes.

When I first got sober, my ego was still there and I though everyone should be saluting and applauding what I was doing with my life! The facts were that I was doing what most normal people do every day of their lives, and they don't get applause!

If he's working a 12-step program, those steps will help him get past this, guaranteed. :)

I kicked my ex out after 8 years of lies, manipulation, steeling, cheating & drug relapses....ect. I had enough. I wanted to smile, breathe and laugh again. I wanted to care about my appearance, my family, my job again. I am sure that these are some of the things that are going through your brothers ex girlfriends mind.

I am sure that she still struggles with all of this, and about your brother too. Just because she is possibly seeing someone else does not mean that she does not care about him still. People have different ways of trying to forget and move on.

How are you handling all of this?