getback2simple

Hi this is my first time working with a thread so not sure if I'm doing it right, but here I go. I am learning how to live with someone who is recovering from drug addiction, and I just need support from people who have been through this, who I don't have to worry what they think. Me and my boyfriend met each other at my church. He was in a rehab program that attended there and then we both did an internship together at that same church.
So going into the relationship I knew that he had a past with alcohol and drugs. He did well in the different programs for four years, but as soon as he got out into the real world and got a job he relapsed. We have been trying to overcome this relapse stage for about a year and six months now. I understand that relapse is a part of recovery, it is still painful to the family n friends. I try to detach my self but sometimes it is so hard. The people he works with are nice people but just about all of them are into the whole get wasted and high seen, so whenever he is going to hang out with them i get anxious about him drinking and getting high, Which happens just about everytime he is with them. I know it is his battle to fight and it is hard for me to just sit here and watch as he continues these bad patterns. We are both attending a rehab group, although with his most recent schedule change he has missed and it makes me worry. He says that he is going to start going again, and I believe that he will but what if he is always too tired to go. I don't want to go through this again... I felt we were making progress and I fear losing the ground we have gained. I know that God has the power to bring us through this but it is hard to remember that and keep it in your mind when he keeps struggling. In the meantime I am trying to work on my own recovery over codependency. It is difficult to keep things in balance.

That's all for now
Bubye

Chino

I say this with kindness and understanding -- there is no "we" it belongs 100% to him. Since this relapse has been ongoing for 1.5 years, you are going through it again, but you don't have to watch. Also, God has the power to bring him through it only if he's willing, and he's not.

Have you considered Alanon or Naranon? My daughter works her own recovery program and I work mine.

suki44883

Sorry, but he is not in recovery. If he's getting wasted and hanging out with people who do the same, he is not trying. If he was serious about recovery, he would avoid people and situations where alcohol or drugs were prominent.

It's totally your decision whether or not you want all that in your life, but you should know up front that he isn't in recovery, he's still actively using.

Freedom1990

Hi getbacktosimple, and welcome to SR.

For me (both a recovering codependent, and a recovering addict/alkie), relapse is not a part of recovery. It is a part of the active disease.

I can assure you when I made the choice to use and drink again after 4 years clean/sober, it had nothing to do with recovery, and everything to do with the disease.

I hit a second bottom after two months, thank God. All my recovery friends knew I was "out there" again and they loved me enough to stay hands off and let me fall.

There's a saying that if nothing changes, nothing changes. Obviously the current situation is working for him in staying in relapse mode.

You are going through this with him again.

I highly recommend finding Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself.

Get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You also might want to read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

Keep posting here, and know you are among friends, okay?

LifeRecovery

(Be patient I am working this part out right now).

One of the things that I have recently taken strength from is the idea that my higher power (HP) is mine alone and my loved ones have one who is as individual as they are. I cannot loan my HP out to anyone because it would not fit anyone else. When I am struggling with the humans in my life with an addiction I can pray or turn them over to their HP. This helps me to detach and keep an handle on what is mine and stay hands off with what is not.

I think HP, God etc is always willing to help, but I know that I always have to be willing to step toward my HP, and that my loved one does to.

getback2simple

Wow talk about kicking me right out of my denial... The comments about if he really wanted to recover he would activley pursue it crossed my mind but I really didn't want to accept that idea i guess. I mean what do you do when you work and have friendships with the people who help to sabotage your recovery. Is he suppose to quit his job or not be friends with anyone at his work. He did consider getting a different job but then he got a promotion and he was really praying about it and felt like God was putting it on his heart that he can't keep running from his issues he needs to face them.
Idk but I really appreciate everyone's input and I plan on sticking around cause I need to.

Yeah I get on a websight as often as I can that quotes from one of Melody Bettie's codependency books... It really helps.

Freedom1990

Wild horses couldn't drag me away from my recovery. That's the God's honest truth.

I protect my recovery like the precious seed that it is in the palm of my hand.

He's not willing to go to any length for recovery.

LifeRecovery

My exAH has many friends that qualify as problem drinkers (in my opinion) My ?A brother does also. In my experience they often find others that help to "normalize" their own behavior. Both have used their "friends" as justification of their own behavior of "Well I don't do anything different than...fill in the blank."

getback2simple

To liferecovery

Yeah I do find I get really stressed when I take my focus off of me and my relationship with God. It is alot easier to relax when I realize it is up to them to work with their higher power to find freedom. But I guess I feel like I'm being a horrible girlfriend if I just stop worrying. That it would come off like I don't care. And I just don't want to have to walk away from our relationship. I did do it once and I don't want to have to do it again.

But I kno I have to be careful not to lose myself and my life to his addiction.

suki44883

Same here. I am also a recovering alcoholic, so I know how important my recovery is. If he continues getting wasted, there's a better than good chance that he'll end up losing his job anyway. It's always easier to find another job if you already have one, so he could always start looking around and putting out feelers for another one. Also, just because he works with people who use doesn't mean he should be socializing with them, especially if he will be tempted to use too.

The bottom line is, if he is serious about recovery, he will do whatever is necessary.

getback2simple

Thanks guys I really need tohinthink somethings and prolly talk to him about how badly he wants to recover.

Impurrfect

I'm another RA and recovering codie. Crack was my DOC. I've worked with someone who used it, I made it extremely clear that I wanted no part of it. I can spot a crack dealer a mile away, but like ((Freedom)) and others, I put my recovery really high on my priority list.

If he truly wants recovery, he will find it, no matter what. I've been on your side, too...had to leave the XABF (#3) as he wanted to continue to use.

Neither side is easy, but taking care of ME, and allowing others the dignity to live their lives as they want to, has helped me stay somewhat sane

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you found SR. There is so much collective wisdom here.

This is such a key phrase IMHO. It is very difficult to keep things in balance. I struggle with this every single day.

One of the things that is said often here on SR is.....work the program you wish they would work. I took that to heart and am working the program I wish my AS would work. It hasn't gotten him clean and sober but it HAS helped me find serenity and my HP is helping me overcome the insanity I had become entrenched in.

Recovery (whether it's from alcohol/drugs or codependency) is only going to work if a person makes it a priority above all else. I cherish my recovery. It is more important to me than anything....including my son's recovery.

I hope you stick around. Learn. Share. As you walk your path, you'll be able to help others along the way.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

Relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery.

No such thng as trying. Either one is committed to their own recovery or not.

There is nothing any of us and say or do that will prevent or cause relapse. We cannot love someone clean. We are not that powerful.

BeingStill

Relapse is part of addiction. It is not part of recovery. Recovery is the absence of drugs and alcohol. Relapse is an event that ends the recovery.

Also, relapse is not a stage. It is a choice to start using. Your bf is not in a relapse phase. He is using and is in active addiction.

Please take care of yourself.

husband

Honey... It isn't about him. It's about you and what you want.

Simple truth of most addicts is... Non-recovering addicts don't know what recovery means. It's a sacrifice at best.

You clearly want him. But you don't want him to use. Yet he's been using for 1.5 years after the fact?

How long do you intend to go through this?

The reason people speak of boundaries here so often is because it's a staple in what to stand for. It means if the other person does X again (x being a variable not ecstasy). Than there will be consequences if you do it. In many cases it means the other person has to leave.

Before you read anything else... Please understand. I am not chastising you. Merely asking questions to answer on your own. This is a loving community and sure you'll get a mix of answers but above all know this. The people here "including my newbie self" are here to support and love because we understand what you are going through. Moving on....

He has continued to use for 1.5 years and you are debating with the same person who pro-ports to be sober (sometimes). This is the same person (who has shown no reconciliation or willingness to do his part to work on recovery?)

?

If my background helps, I've been with the same woman for over 20 years and we are now struggling to keep this relationship together after she's started on the road towards recovery.

Not great I know but we have our issues and I'm doing what I can to work through them. Provided I work on me, she works on herself perhaps we'll be able to mend the wounds. I'm not here to cast stones (please understand this) in many ways you and I are in the same boat. The difference is... I'm in the aftermath of what has happened. You are still there.

In nearly everything I've read... Boundaries seem a key part in maintaining any semblance of sanity. We set boundaries for a few reasons... For starters we start placing ourselves first and foremost over the addiction. This places value to ourselves on who and what we are or have become!

The consequence of not setting boundaries (in many if not all cases).
When we don't set boundaries and don't hold up our end of the bargain things tend to happen again. I.E. We "expect" the person to be different but they aren't and we find ourselves in the same trap over and over and over again. Don't do it!

The very notion of boundaries might be confusing right now but look around and see what your peers are saying. Get an understanding on what you find acceptable and unacceptable in your life.

Most of all be prepared to set boundaries and act upon what is unacceptable.

I appreciate you pouring your heart out. I understand how difficult it can be and appreciate it. I think most of us have been there. God bless and I will pray tomorrow is better in every respect.

kmangel

If your boyfriend wants to recover, the answer to your questions is yes.

My son as a teenager was hanging with a crowd of kids that abused drugs and alcohol. His father and I moved out of state and our then 19 year old son moved with us. He left his using buddies and his drug abuse ceased for the years he lived in our new state. Then he came to me and said "Mom, you know how you believe that God guides you? Well, I think He is telling me to go back to (where we used to live)." I told him my concerns, that we had moved to remove him from the influences that encouraged him to use drugs. He moved back anyway. Last week he got out of rehab having become addicted to vicodin and heroin.

So, yes, leaving behind using friends and coworkers is not just a suggestion. Facing his problems does not always mean putting yourself in temptation's path. God gave us a brain. We need to exercise good common sense.

Someone may have been guiding my son before he moved back to his old lifestyle, but IMO it wasn't God.

Eddiebuckle

Getback,

I second the advice that it's strictly his recovery. As a person in recovery and in a loving relationship that was only a few months old when I went into rehab I can understand how you want to be a part of the solution. What you need to know is that his recovery has to be his first priority. Not just now, it has to be first as long as he lives - addiction doesn't go away after a few years. In early recovery, it's recommended that romantic relationships be avoided for the first year, because those relationships take focus from working ones program. Since your BF is still using, that one year clock is still at one year and will be until he makes the decision to stop - and does everything that he needs to make that decision stick. Change jobs, move if necessary, go to as many meetings as he needs to maintian sobriety... and even put your relationship on hold until he's solidly sober.

You should consider the possibility that being in this relationship is a distraction that enables him to continue to live in denial. This is not because you are bad for him - it's because distractions are bad for him. You clearly are a loving person, but perhaps that love is shielding him from the reality of his actions.

kiki5711

Recovery requires change in "thought patterns" and "daily habits".

Until a person starts seeing the world with different eyes, the drugs/alcohol will always be like honey to a bee. The person will not be able to stay away from it.

The physical addiction can be treated/overcome within.g weeks, sometimes months, etc...however, the mental/psychological addiction may take a life time.

sbernard

I feel your concern. And i am or was there myself. My AH is in recovery. And I working my own recovery. But one thing I have learned from the wonderful people on here and at Al lon meetings is to focus on my recovery and let him do his. I am taking care of myself and making myself happy. I refuse to no longer let his addiction rule my life. I am a lot happier. So please find you some meetings and start working on you. Read the Big Book, Addict in the Family, Co-dependent no More. They will help tremendously.

Why pray if you worry....why worry if you pray.