sbernard

My AH came home from rehab and moved in with his parents. He has spent very little time with me since he has been back the past 4 weeks. Here is the real issue...he tells me he is going to call and never does. He tells me he is coming out over the weekend once sat, something came up so we planned it sunday. He never showed up. He tells me I can call anytime, which I don't. I'm giving him his space. I did call him about getting the oil changed and he said to me" are you harrassing me now?" Well that hit a nerve with me. I have recently found out that he feels like he is being pulled into 10 different directions with his dad making him do work around their house and his mama claiming her blood pressure is high and no meds can get it down. The have a live in slave. He is still going to meetings. He tells me about once a week that he loves me with all his heart. And that I am impotant to him, but i just can't see it. He claims that if he comes home right now he would be uncomfortable. He wants to come home and be comfortable. One week he's good and the next week he's HATEFUL. Is this normal for someone who has only been in recovery 60 days. I still am going to my meetings and taking care of myself, which has helped. I am having a really hard time stayting positive.

Freedom1990

At 60 days, he probably can't identify most of what he's feeling. That's a drop in the bucket in terms of length of time clean/sober.

I was still bat sh*t crazy at 60 days, moody, up and down, all sorts of feelings invading me that I had medicated for years.

Just keep doing what you need to do for yourself!

Chino

It was about a year before my recovering daughter and step mom were more balanced. They had more clarity, too. There was a moment with both of them, right around a year, where I thought, "wow, there you are; welcome back!"

sbernard

That's really not all that long, but i sure hope he comes home before a year.

dollydo

He has just began his recovery, 60 days is a mere drop in the bucket. It may take him a year, it may take longer, there is no way to know. All I know is that as of today, he is not ready to come home. Support him by respecting his decision.

Keep going to your meetings, keep posting, it will help.

sbernard

He just tells me he is coming over to do something like spend a little time with me or maybe cut the grass or get this tree cut down or see our pit bull puppy and he never shows up. He will just call a couple of days later like nothing is wrong. It infurates me. But I have started just waiting an hour or two then going on with my day.

dollydo

Was he dependable & responsibile before he went to rehab?

sbernard

Yes he was, very much so.

Freedom1990

I wouldn't even wait an hour or two. My youngest knows if we have plans, be on time or I have other things to do. It's really just that simple.

Kindeyes

Yup. I make my boundaries very clear with my son these days. Although I seldom see him, if we are meeting somewhere, he has 15 minutes max then I'm outta there. It works for me.

gentle hugs
ke

sbernard

yes he works and i don't know if he pays his parents anything to live their He just does all the work around the house. He still gives me money every week to help with bills here at home. His parents said i was on my own when i was struggling before he went to rehab. He is 40 yrs old, i think they should send him home to his wife. They are both enablers and his mother babies him still. I just don't think it is healthly for him to be there.

husband

Sbernard,

I am sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar and battle it daily. For me the "key" (its not a definitive solution). I have to work on myself. This is an opportunistic time for you to do the same. In some ways I was looking forward to my wife being away for 30 days. It isn't because I don't love her.
But I knew this time would help restore order in our house of 3 kids and work on myself.
A few questions.
What would you do if he didn't come back?
What will you do if he does but chooses to use again?
Boundaries are a key component towards restoring my sanity.
I can't and won't know everything about what's going on with my wife. I have to be diligent to ensure my kids are safe but beyond that? It's out of my control.

The point here is... Sure you can sit and wait, and sit and wait and sit and wait for his return but if that is your focus? My experience tells me... This is where the insanity lies.

The most important thing you can do for yourself right now is what you are doing. I applaud you for that. Finding this forum isn't trivial but the fact that you did so and posted speaks droves.

If I had this opportunity I would use it to focus on my own behaviors, obsessions etc.
No doubts I could and should do more but you are in good hands with these people. It's a struggle and even more-so when I discovered my own role. I'm still early on but people suggested I read things like coda no more, attend meetings and focus on my own health and sanity. I take these things to heart.

newnormal4me

I'm sure this is very frustrating for you. Has he set a time limit or have you? Just curious as it seems to be driving you crazy. Do you have children?

As far as saying he is coming and not showing up...if he is just coming to "do" things, then can he come anytime to do them? Does he have to "set up" a time? Otherwise, I personally don't see why you can't nicely tell him that his promises hurt you when he doesn't follow through so please do not make any until you are ready to follow through. Then you are not waiting, etc. and he is not feeling like he has to make promises he can't keep.

As far as being hateful, again, you can nicely not allow him to. If he gets hateful, tell him nicely that you will talk to him later when he is not in such a hateful mood.

Just my two cents.

outtolunch

He's 40 years old and capable of deciding where he wants to live and how he wants to spend his free time.

I would take what he says about being a slave with salt. Is it possible he's might be up to his old tricks, again?

sbernard

No time limits are set. And we have children but not together. And your right, i have told him that he could at least call if he's not coming and he said " your right I can at least call" It's not just helping me with a few things he plans to spend time with me when he comes and i don't see why once a wk is that hard for him. I have been letting him be ugly for awhile now in fear of him getting pissed. But Sunday i informed him that i don't deserve to be talked to that way and i will not tolerate it. He apologized and said he shouldn't have taken his bad day out on me. Al lon is really helping me but i just don't quite have that detach with love thing down.

outtolunch

I like the way you framed this because that's exactly what we codependents do. We allow it and when we do, we become a part of the problem. Walking on eggshells to avoid an upset/trigger a tantrum is something most of us are familiar with. Remember, it's always your choice to live like this or not. Getting sick and tired of being sick and tired is a process. Appologies are meaningless blah-blah designed to keep us hooked and engaged in the game.

sbernard

So do recovering addicts get upet when they see that your are doing fine and not worried about them? I mean geezz they don't want to be bothered and want their space but when they call to check on you and they see everything is fine they think we have attitudes? I mean give it a rest, i feel like i am damned if i do and damned if i don't.

Chino

When my daughter was active she happily noticed my detachment. When she first found recovery she was offended by it. As more time has gone by she's been both grateful and frightened by it; she has her own codependency issues to deal with.

The more I've worked my own recovery program, I've stopped feeling damned by her issues. Please keep working your program, it will come