ok, so really?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 11
ok, so really?
here's my story...brace yourself it's a long one...
my husband and i have been together for 13 (long) years...there have been days of sunshine followed by months of storms...you see my husband is an addict-cocaine, alcohol, and chaos were his mistresses...i have played the supportive wife for many years...growing up in a stable southern baptist home i take marriage (as in for better or worse) very seriously...now that's not to imply i necessarily EXPECTED there to be so much "worse"...i would drag him in the house when he was too drunk to stand-wondering how he made it home...i tried to give him the stability in our home life that he never had...but now his mistress cocaine...i had no defense against her...she would steal him away without warning...i came to recognize his jaw rolling...i could see that a mile away...i became fluent (more so than him i think) with his triggers and i tried so very hard to do what i could to prevent them...so, for 13 years my husband has fought his demons which has also made them my demons...i am not an addict per say...i don't drink, i don't do drugs...i go to work everyday...i take care of the kids...i make ALL the decisions (when he's using clearly he isn't capable)...but still i have found that his addictions have become my own...i have seen myself go from a happy go lucky, trusting, and sweet girl to a jaded, cynical, bitter, resentful woman...am i happy about that change? yeah, not so much...i am however happy i have learned everything that i have...i am happy i am not as naive as i used to be...i am happy that i have become so strong and independent...i wouldn't necessarily CHOOSE to learn these life lessons in this way mind you, but so it goes...for 13 years i have HATED summer...as soon as the cold would start to disappear so would he...a warm summer night (to him) was meant to be spent with a beer in his hand and a bag in his pocket...as all addicts must hit their bottom, so must their significant others..i hit mine about 2 years ago...he was sober (so i thought) and our life was clipping along just fine-ish...and then came this year...typically i would attempt (poorly) to cope with him actively pursuing his addictions...knowing that come fall my life would slowly start to fall back into place...this year, 3 days...i was done...i didn't yell (like usual), i didn't fight, i got separation papers...i was done...then he decided to do inpatient treatment...whether it was a last ditch effort on his part to save our marriage or a last ditch effort on his part to save his life i don't know...he has been there 3 weeks...he has gone through the withdrawls, he has gone through the emotional changes, he has stuck it out and actually worked the program...so this week is the dreaded family week...i am scared...i am nervous...i don't know him sober...i don't know if we're even going to like each other...i am afraid of what else i am going to find out...like most addicts unless he was cornered with undeniable evidence he wouldn't admit anything...it doesn't matter if he didn't mean it...it doesn't matter if he was using...it will still hurt the same and i have had my fair share of hurt...i am concerned that i will still lose him (isn't that something)...i am concerned that i won't be able to let go of my anger, my resentments because they are abundant...so i'm sure all these feelings are normal...i am also (painfully) aware that addiction is a daily fight...but really, i never considered just how hard this would be for me...i never entertained the idea that i wouldn't be able to move forward because you see i've always been SO concerned with him...but with him in treatment i find that i'm not concerned with him...for the first time in 13 years i am actually more concerned about me...*sigh* really?
my husband and i have been together for 13 (long) years...there have been days of sunshine followed by months of storms...you see my husband is an addict-cocaine, alcohol, and chaos were his mistresses...i have played the supportive wife for many years...growing up in a stable southern baptist home i take marriage (as in for better or worse) very seriously...now that's not to imply i necessarily EXPECTED there to be so much "worse"...i would drag him in the house when he was too drunk to stand-wondering how he made it home...i tried to give him the stability in our home life that he never had...but now his mistress cocaine...i had no defense against her...she would steal him away without warning...i came to recognize his jaw rolling...i could see that a mile away...i became fluent (more so than him i think) with his triggers and i tried so very hard to do what i could to prevent them...so, for 13 years my husband has fought his demons which has also made them my demons...i am not an addict per say...i don't drink, i don't do drugs...i go to work everyday...i take care of the kids...i make ALL the decisions (when he's using clearly he isn't capable)...but still i have found that his addictions have become my own...i have seen myself go from a happy go lucky, trusting, and sweet girl to a jaded, cynical, bitter, resentful woman...am i happy about that change? yeah, not so much...i am however happy i have learned everything that i have...i am happy i am not as naive as i used to be...i am happy that i have become so strong and independent...i wouldn't necessarily CHOOSE to learn these life lessons in this way mind you, but so it goes...for 13 years i have HATED summer...as soon as the cold would start to disappear so would he...a warm summer night (to him) was meant to be spent with a beer in his hand and a bag in his pocket...as all addicts must hit their bottom, so must their significant others..i hit mine about 2 years ago...he was sober (so i thought) and our life was clipping along just fine-ish...and then came this year...typically i would attempt (poorly) to cope with him actively pursuing his addictions...knowing that come fall my life would slowly start to fall back into place...this year, 3 days...i was done...i didn't yell (like usual), i didn't fight, i got separation papers...i was done...then he decided to do inpatient treatment...whether it was a last ditch effort on his part to save our marriage or a last ditch effort on his part to save his life i don't know...he has been there 3 weeks...he has gone through the withdrawls, he has gone through the emotional changes, he has stuck it out and actually worked the program...so this week is the dreaded family week...i am scared...i am nervous...i don't know him sober...i don't know if we're even going to like each other...i am afraid of what else i am going to find out...like most addicts unless he was cornered with undeniable evidence he wouldn't admit anything...it doesn't matter if he didn't mean it...it doesn't matter if he was using...it will still hurt the same and i have had my fair share of hurt...i am concerned that i will still lose him (isn't that something)...i am concerned that i won't be able to let go of my anger, my resentments because they are abundant...so i'm sure all these feelings are normal...i am also (painfully) aware that addiction is a daily fight...but really, i never considered just how hard this would be for me...i never entertained the idea that i wouldn't be able to move forward because you see i've always been SO concerned with him...but with him in treatment i find that i'm not concerned with him...for the first time in 13 years i am actually more concerned about me...*sigh* really?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Are you doing anything to help yourself? Have you read any material...books...gone to meetings? Just curious. Your life sounds a lot like mine, only my AH (we are separated) doesn't think he has a problem. Treatment for him would be an absolute miracle. I would surely be dancing if my husband chose treatment. I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings. Who knows, maybe I would be feeling the same way if I were in your shoes. It does seem normal from what others have shared here.
If I were you, I'd certainly be doing a lot of praying about now. Try not to think about the "what ifs" and try to focus on the potential of the situation. Try to think positive...I guess that is what I'm saying.
I think it is a good sign that you are more concerned about yourself right now. That is not a bad place to be. I certainly wish I had some real advice for you...hopefully someone who has been in your place will come along and share how they made it through.
****{HUGS}}}
If I were you, I'd certainly be doing a lot of praying about now. Try not to think about the "what ifs" and try to focus on the potential of the situation. Try to think positive...I guess that is what I'm saying.
I think it is a good sign that you are more concerned about yourself right now. That is not a bad place to be. I certainly wish I had some real advice for you...hopefully someone who has been in your place will come along and share how they made it through.
****{HUGS}}}
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
You have been hurt so much over the years. You have a right to feel hurt. Your husband has done so much harm to you. Your beginning to think about yourself now is the right thing to be thinking. Get help for you now as he's getting help for himself now. You need help as much as he does.
I hope your husband comes out of rehab clean and sober and continues on for the rest of his life as a clean and sober individual. The two of you will need to heal from his many years of addiction. And then when he comes home, continue pursuing help--both individually and as a couple. Just because he may come home free of his addictions doesn't mean he is coming home free from 13 years of all the effects of his addiction. You both can overcome the past 13 years and have a better life, but it wont happen overnight. It will take careful tending to restore those hurtful years. It will take time for you to trust your husband again. Don't feel bad about that. He needs to prove himself to you.
I hope your husband comes out of rehab clean and sober and continues on for the rest of his life as a clean and sober individual. The two of you will need to heal from his many years of addiction. And then when he comes home, continue pursuing help--both individually and as a couple. Just because he may come home free of his addictions doesn't mean he is coming home free from 13 years of all the effects of his addiction. You both can overcome the past 13 years and have a better life, but it wont happen overnight. It will take careful tending to restore those hurtful years. It will take time for you to trust your husband again. Don't feel bad about that. He needs to prove himself to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Hi there! My rah is fresh out of rehab too. He was 90 days clean yesterday. While he was gone, I had two little ones to care for but I made sure that every night after they went to bed, I would hit the books, or hit sr. It was really helpful for me learning to detatch. I actually chose not to go to family day. I was too angry. In fact, I rarely spoke to him and it was a really good decision not to. The separation time really allowed me to see he situation clearer and gave me a full-time opportunity to discover myself and how I played a role in all of the dysfunction. Codependent no more by Melanie Beatty was a major eye opener for me. I read it twice while rah was gone. So, if anything take this opportunity and hold on to it!! Enjoy your life again while he's gone. You have a chance to discover many wonderful things!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find comfort here. There are certainly a lot of people who understand what it's like to live with an addict. Lots of collective wisdom.
When we live with an addict for a long period of time, we change....we morph into something that isn't pretty. We become sick too. That is why they called addiction/alcoholism a family disease.
Don't be afraid of family week. I began my own recovery while at those family meetings. I didn't realize how deeply my own denial ran.
The best thing I did for myself was to begin attending Naranon and Alanon meetings. I began to work on all the stuff within my own hoolahoop (and there was plenty to work on--still is). I am working on issues that have been lifelong for me.
Going through the 12 steps has been the most eye opening experience. I am more connected spiritually than I have ever been in my life as a result of these programs (I was also raised Southern Baptist). Not in a hallalujah sort of way....but a deep inner peace......serenity.
I am working on fixing me instead of trying to fix the addict in my life. As a result, I feel better. I don't feel bitter or angry. I can allow the addict to deal with his life the way he chooses to without pressure from me to change. I am losing some of my preconceived notions of good and bad. I'm learning not to judge and leave that up to God. I'm learning about what I can change and what I can't change.
I feel good. And you can too if you're ready.
again....welcome to SR...
gentle hugs
ke
When we live with an addict for a long period of time, we change....we morph into something that isn't pretty. We become sick too. That is why they called addiction/alcoholism a family disease.
Don't be afraid of family week. I began my own recovery while at those family meetings. I didn't realize how deeply my own denial ran.
The best thing I did for myself was to begin attending Naranon and Alanon meetings. I began to work on all the stuff within my own hoolahoop (and there was plenty to work on--still is). I am working on issues that have been lifelong for me.
Going through the 12 steps has been the most eye opening experience. I am more connected spiritually than I have ever been in my life as a result of these programs (I was also raised Southern Baptist). Not in a hallalujah sort of way....but a deep inner peace......serenity.
I am working on fixing me instead of trying to fix the addict in my life. As a result, I feel better. I don't feel bitter or angry. I can allow the addict to deal with his life the way he chooses to without pressure from me to change. I am losing some of my preconceived notions of good and bad. I'm learning not to judge and leave that up to God. I'm learning about what I can change and what I can't change.
I feel good. And you can too if you're ready.
again....welcome to SR...
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Codependent No More is an excellent book. I hope you will get a copy of it and read it until it's dog-eared. I also hope you will stick around SR. And study up on boundaries and consequences. Alanon and Naranon are great face to face support groups for people in your situation.
You can get your serenity back. It's call recovery. We have to work at it, but as we move forward in the process we become healthy and whole again. No matter what the addict chooses to do, we can have peace in our lives. It's a choice we learn to make for ourselves and our children.
You can get your serenity back. It's call recovery. We have to work at it, but as we move forward in the process we become healthy and whole again. No matter what the addict chooses to do, we can have peace in our lives. It's a choice we learn to make for ourselves and our children.
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