Ann

Welcome, Asharon, to SR.

Sweetie, we didn't give up on our loved ones, my son is in my heart and prayers each day. We learned that loving them won't get them clean and it may very well drag us down with them. You're not there yet, and I pray you never find the same darkness that almost killed me a few years back. The founder of this site, a recovering addict named Jon, often warned me that I just might love my son right into his grave if I didn't let him learn his own life lessons and take responsibility for himself.

So please know that we are all walking with you here. What seem to be attacks is actually caring enough to hope you don't have to go through the same pain we did, even though we know you have to go through your own experiences and feel your own pain before you find the peace many of us know today.

Something that helped many of us find our balance was Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA, three similar fellowships that are about us coping with our own situation and not about saving our addicts, because only they can do that when they are ready.

I wish you and your son hope, love and a future filled with recovery, really I do. And please know that we're here walking with you...even if we step on your toes once in a while...and we care.

Hugs

kmangel

My son just came home from rehab himself. I think everything that has happened in the life of an addict is stressful for them to look at while sober. By the time they get to rehab, their lives are in the toilet--at least, that's what my son's life looks like now. It has to be in order to wind up in rehab. I had no idea he had self destructed as he had. It's been a real eye opener for me, that's for sure.

My son wants to go back to school, too, but I think it would be best to get back on his feet and then tackle school. He's got enough on his plate right now.

I understand how you are frustrated with what some people here are saying to you. My husband and I are new to this world of addiction. This is our first time going through this. I hope it's our last time, that our son will move forward without relapsing, but the cards are stacked against us in that regard and the people here are warning us since they have been down this road already.

We have a counselor for ourselves now. When I became aware of what our son had done, I set to finding someone to help my husband and me right away. I knew we'd have issues to deal with (such as enabling and fear).

Kindeyes

Dealing with an addict in our lives is very challenging. We have a whole set of dreams for our children that get jumbled up when they become addicted to any drug. We hate to see them struggle with those demons. And we all want to do everything we can to help them.

This has been said many times but it bears repeating....if love could cure addiction, not one of us would be here. We all love the addicts in our lives very much....just like you do. And living through what you are dealing with is hard.....many of us have done it for a very long time and we really do understand how you feel.

This forum is full of recovering codependents. The easiest way for me to describe codependency is that a codependent hates to see other people in pain so they do whatever they can to try to minimize the pain of others--even at their own expense. Through recovery, we learn that we can't (and shouldn't) prevent others from feeling their pain....it is necessary for growth and learning.

I really do hate to see you in pain but I know that you will learn through your own experiences and I can't tell you what to do. I can share my experiences and share with you what has worked and hasn't worked for me. But I know that if I try to tell you what to do based upon my experience, you'll resist and feel defensive.

Once I opened my mind to the possibility that there are other ways to approach my son's addiction, things began to get better for me.

You and your dear son are in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

cece1960

(((Asharon)))
Please don't feel an attack. What you are reading is others' experience in matters similar to yours.

When I first came here I was apalled by some of the messages given in regards to my AS. I simply wasn't ready yet.

But when I eventually was, revisiting those words gave me the permission I needed to make the difficult decisions. Those decisions and actions went against very fiber of this moms being, and were terribly hard, but necessary under the circumstances.

Regardless of what you decide to do, we're walking with you.
(((Hugs)))

Hanna

There are definitely free programs and half-way houses out there. The first program my brother went into cost a great deal of money. The second did as well, but the half-way house required him to work and contribute and make it on his own. That saying about "if love could cure addiction"? Well, it's true about money, too. The expensive programs are not one bit better than the free ones. If $ cured addiction, we'd all be happy but broke because any one of us would pay any amount to see our loved ones clean and sober.

I understand what you are feeling - we felt the same way when my brother walked out of rehab. "Every situation is different". Well, today, I wish we'd realized that every addict is exactly the same. Our loved ones are different people with different experiences but how they behave in addiction isn't different at all.

Right now I'm living with my brother, and within a matter of two weeks he relapsed. He's basically going to take anything he can get his hands on and it will make you crazy (and probably him too) trying to keep that from happening. I lay in bed awake, just listening, wondering what he's doing when he goes to the bathroom. And now that we've caught him with stuff, it's even worse. I'm pretty sure my acting like this isn't helping him one bit, but how can you help being worried and scared when you love someone so much? The answer is, you can't and that's why our loved ones need to be with people that aren't emotionally attached to their outcome. They need people that use their experience and education to help them get better, instead of their emotions. You want to believe that he needs people that love him helping him and guiding him, but surely you wouldn't try to do brain surgery on your son. This is no different. Our love doesn't help cure an addict any more than it would help remove a brain tumor.

My suggestion would be to pick up the phone today and start calling people in your area that can help you figure out the options. Make a list, get it to him and tell him he's home he's got to being researching and making a decision. He WILL relapse under your care and under your roof. This isn't about you, but because as families we are not equipped to help with a situation that requires professional help.

I see you are in NJ and am pretty sure they've got good resources there.
I googled a little bit and found a list. I'll send it in a private message. I would start calling churches, shelters, hospitals and treatment programs and tell them you're looking for a place for your son that has just completed the first phase of treatment. That he needs something free or where he can work and contribute, as he is unemployed and without resources to pay. I would also call the treatment facility and tell them he can't come home, that they need to help find a free program for him.

Tinks65

Asharin,
please keep posting .. this is such a hard road we are all walking. The boards are wonderful but sometimes the emotions behind posts can be misinterpreted, it's not the same as talking to someone face to face. I am fairly new here and there has been plenty that I have not liked reading ... some things I just disagree with but most often its that I just don't like the ugly truth behind addiction. I used to hate the saying "relapse is a part of recovery" (actually I still hate it) ... I resisted it thinking "not for my son" Well .... it happened. For him it is true. He is clean now and embracing his recovery. He is in a SLE making his own way. We have helped him with groceries while he is waiting to get food stamps. We even helped him with his rent because he lost his job and the unemployment didn't come through. He has already found a new job and even interviewed for a better job last week. I really struggled with the decisions to help as I don't want to enable but I chose to help because I really believe he is clean and walking towards sobriety. He attends meetings and when I see him he looks good. There are no signs of drug use. The way I look at it is this, if he relapses I will know soon enough. I have my boundaries and he knows that. I will never again pay for a lawyer or put money on his books should he find himself in jail again but I will always love him, pray for him and help and encourage him as much as I can in a healthy way as long as he is walking towards recovery. I don't know what the future holds for us but today I am grateful for how far I have come and also for the wisdom and love I have found here. Please keep coming back, it really is a safe place