update
 

Thought I would update yall on my situation. I am sure the true reason I havent done it earlier is I am a little embarrassed and somewhat disappointed in myself.
A couple of weeks ago I asked my AH to leave our home. His DOC is any sort of oxycodone (roxi mostly). His drug use has spiraled out of control for the past 2 years (he has been an addict for 10+ years). These last few years he has begun shooting up pain pills. Has taken an obsene amount of $ from us. Has stolen things from us and his parents. The bright side (if you can consider anything bright in this mess) is he has continued to keep and excel at his job. He comes home everynight and has stayed involved in the raising of out kids. I would imagine the stress of keeping up appearences probably makes his addiction worse. Who knows? I dont know how he seems so normal (to everyone but me) and continues the life he lives. Shocking really. Anyways, so I asked him to leave a couple of weeks ago. I went to his parents to let them know what was happening and just get their support. His mom's response was and I quote "Angie, you need to do what is best for you and the kids. If I were you, I wouldnt take his phone calls, wouldnt speak to him. Let him fix his own mess." His dad has always been very supportive to me as he lived through similar things as a child. Needless to say, my AH moved immediatly to their house. Ha! So much for support. Within a day they thought I was lying (atleast his mom did). I am confident they were giving him money and offering support to get my kids. I panicked. As i have said before, I live in a very small town (which I am not from) and it is all in who you know. I was truely worried that his parents would do whatever they needed to, to get my kids. I have made a few mistakes over the years. I have allowed his parents to spend entirely too much time with my kids (my younger kids spend some of every day, usually while Im at work, with them). That has caused a few problems. First, the kids feel very very close to them. Second, it gives them too much control. And third, they are way to involved in our life. Anyways, I panicked. My AH was playing me like a fiddle and I knew it. He was being cold and in control. It scared me. One afternoon my AH showed up at the house and we talked. He wanted to know my intentions. I told him that I was ok with whatever happened. I wanted him to be clean but realized I couldnt do it for him. I want our family to get thru this but if it didnt I would be fine. I didnt want to be apart but I couldnt keep going the way we had been. He had to change or we would never be together again. Of course he said all the right things. I didnt invite him home. He left the house (to go to his parents) and I was ok. About an hour later he showed back up bags in hand. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was coming home. We were married and this was his family. And we were going to work it out. Period. Honestly, I was glad he did that. That stregenth, take control man is who I feel in love with. I have missed that guy. I knew he hadnt changed, in more ways than one. First, that guy I loved was still there (the one who loves his family and is the leader of our family) is somewhere deep inside him. Second, I knew his addiction hadnt magicaly disappeared. I didnt go back into this blind and I didnt losse the peace I had found. So.. here I am again, yet I am different. I am in control of me. I am preparing for what may or may not come. I am getting control of the kids and trying to save some money. All the while I am on my knees praying for his salvation. I cant fix him and honestly dont want too. I can only fix me. I am working on my family, my finances and myself. I am not yelling, screaming or crying daily. I am not snooping (as I dont need a cell bill to know whats going on). I am talking to him and he is talking to me. Unfortunatley, I wish I didnt have to hear some of what he is saying. And Im sure he feels the same way. I guess it comes down to this. I acted like a parent who beats their children when I threw him out. I was unprepared, ANGRY and acting before thinking. I said and did things out of anger and panic. I have taken a step back and am now in more control of myself than ever. I am preparing for the spanking. Getting all my ducks in a row and making sure I am calm and ready. And while I am walking up those stairs headed to his room I am praying.. praying for God to lead and direct both of us. praying for peace for me (with whatever I am forced to do) and praying for intervention for him (the kind only God can give).

I can't help but notice such a completely different perspective since your initial post. My favorite saying is so simple, but holds so much truth. "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

Me. Him. Everything. Nothing. Something. I dont know.

I have changed. I have given everything to God. I am no longer trying to control his addiction. I am working desperatley on me. And I feel great. I am not obsessing and Im not consumed. I am not allowing his actions to control my mood. I literally lay it at Gods feet ever single day. I am preparing for the worse but praying for the best.

I can make up every excuse in the world as to why I allowed him to come home. I wont.

((Angie))

Just from my perspective - it seems you are allowing him to make all the decisions ~

What do YOU want?
Is this the life you are willing to continue living?
With pills, pawns shops, stolen money and dishonesty?

What truly did he take charge of or did he just move back home to the same ole addict routine?

Please know I'm not trying to be harsh ~ just pointing out a few things and going to ask you the same question that was asked to me -

Please take a look at your marriage; take a look at your children ~
Now honestly which of your children do you wish grow up to be in a marriage just like yours?

If they deserve better, healthier, safer, saner and happier - Don't you?

Just a few things to think about . . .
Please take what you like and leave the rest ~ only you know what is best for YOU!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

The facts are you now have a junkie back in your home who lies and steals.

I hope you're taking precautions in the bedroom since he's an IV drug user.

My EXAH died at the tender age of 47 due to complications from AIDS.

Had I gone back to him after rehab, that's a gift I would have gotten too.

Codependents do die from this disease too.

Angie, if it were just you and him, I'd say go ahead and do whatever you want. But, there are innocent children involved and they should NEVER have to live with active addiction. They have no choice in the matter. They depend on you to look out for their best interests.

All I can say is that, to me, you are not putting your children first. Your priorty is him, and, that is your choice, only remember that your children are the victims in this toxic home.

Hope that it all works out for you!

My priority is my family. All of them.

Could it be that you are honeymooning? I say this b/c I've been there-lots of times. Right after the promises of "I swear, it will be different this time" there is usually a honeymoon period, where I am able to tell myself that things ARE different b/c he is not using (today) and that it's all because I'm letting go and letting God. He was "finally" sick and tired of hurting his family. Even the meetings would get amped up. But really, it's simply just the calm before the storm. Sure, we can give it up to God. But what happens when the outcome is not as we wanted?

Not trying to predict what's going to happen, but the whole situation sounds all too familiar.

My RAH is 90 days clean right now-fresh out of rehab and I have NO desire to have him living with us until I've seen more behavioral changes. It could take forever. Oh well. He is consistent with the kids, which is all that matters right now. Believe me, he wants to be with his family more than anything, but knows that recovery needs to come first.

Our situation is far from perfect, but it's the best we have to work with. I can identify with what you are saying b/c before my RAH entered rehab, it seemed like a never ending cycle of: promises, honeymoon, suspicions, accusations, denials, snooping, persecutions. I still get sucked back a few steps occasionally.

It wasn't until I truly detatched, that I was able to see the situation for what it was, and the role I played in the indirect enabling that kept the cycle going.

My thoughts are with you, and I hope you prove me wrong...

hes not some random drug user I found on the streets and have allowed to come in and hang out with my kids and me. He is their dad and my husband. Whats to get? he has a problem, absolutley. And I am certinally not saying that his behavior is in ANY way ok. If for one second I thought my kids were unsafe I would leave and never look back. he isnt doing this to us he is doing this to himself.

wife2anaddict:
I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I am not in the mode where I have some grand picture of change (with him anyhow). Like I said I am preparing for the worse and praying for the best and working on myself in the meantime.

anvillhead: You have no idea about my kids and my home! you are making some pretty strong assumptions from some posts I have made during moments of fear and panic. My kids sfaety is my first priority! I live my life for my family! Every moment is dedicated to them! My children are not in danger and any intervention that would need to happen on their behalf will come from me when and if the situtaion requires. Yes my husband has a major problem!!! But to insinuate that I would ever do anything to put my kids in danger is cruel and unjust!

((angie))
Honey - I'm sure you are very scared - No your AH is not some stranger on the street - he is your husband and the kids' father - but please let me share my experience, strength and hope with you - please just take a few moments to read . . .

I lived with an active drug user for 17 yrs - I thought too I was protecting our daughters from being in "danger" but when I got into recovery for myself (al-anon) I had my eyes opened to several things. . .

NO my exah never once hit our daughters, but this is what he did do to our household. . .

every day we wondered if we would walk into the house and find him dead from an OD or an accident from something he had done while under the influence

constantly our daughters had to hid their bday money, allowance, valuables, etc. because he would take them to support his habit

he was under the influence at bdays, christmas, holidays, their graduation, wedding and some perfectly normal days ~ they had to face their friends with him like that. . .

as the disease progressed we had to deal with the phone calls and people "looking" for him - I'm sure he owed them money or either he was selling to them

our daughters had to grow up in a household where their mom was constantly on edge because of his addiction ~ where their mom worked 2 & 3 jobs to support them - so therefore she missed school trips, activities and lots of time with them.

Maybe our girls were never physically abused - but suffer?

YES! Horribly - I know now - I did my daughters a horrible injustice by allowing them to be raised in this painful environment - Today I have to be a living amends to them - When I learned a better way - I started making healthier choices for myself and for them

When the time is right for you and your children, you can too!

But please know - you and your children are being affected by his disease more than you may realize.

PINK HUGS,
Rita

"Take Control Man" is the same man who stole your child's X-box and anything else not nailed down. This is the guys who deals dope to sustain his habit. Thisis the guy who takes your last $2.

The drugs control him. He has no reason to consider changing anything cause he has not experienced any consequences. Heck, he likely still envisions himself as in control even when he's shooting dope.

Turning over control to someone who is not in control of himself/herself seems a tad bit convenient because it avoids taking responsibility for ones self.

For all those posters who feel the need to tell Angie what she has to do, I would ask that if you can not share your personal experience and what you found helpful, but feel instead the need to control, shame and judge, that you step away from the computer, take some cleansing breathes and remember what it was like to be new to even thinking about working a recovery program.

Please keep reading and posting Angie. I hope you can find some face to face support through meetings and or counseling too - I found that invaluable.

Cynical one: When I asked my AH to leave I wasnt prepared financially and with the kids. I did it out of anger and wasnt thinking about how I was to survive. I am preparing for whatever may come now.

I think most of yall misunderstood my post. I am not ok with the choices my AH has been making. And I will not allow him to stay in the home like this. I know me and the kids are being affected by his addiction. And I know that cant and wont continue. But I am not prepared to leave. there are things that have to get done first in order to protect me and the kids. And while I am preparing i hope he changes. thats all.