The Book of Love
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 34
The Book of Love
It has been four months since I found out that my exabf had/ has a cocaine addiction. We were together for 5.5 years and I never had any idea. He was a functioning addict and was able to keep it from me, my family, and my friends. No one suspected him of this activity. Needless to say I was/ have been devastated to say the least. I am so thankful to God for the progress I have made. I am doing much better than I was in the very beginning.
With that said, somedays I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. My ex used to play this song, The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel for me a lot toward the end of our relationship, and sometimes we would dance to it. I know that is sappy, but that is who I am, and who he pretened to be. He said that he wanted it to be our first dance at our wedding. Needless to say that wedding will never happen.
Today I feel as if I am mourning the love I had for him. It has been hard for me, and his letters, cards, and e-mails have not made it easier. He has stopped by to visit me as well and I haven't been there thankfully. In the last four months I have called him twice and e-mailed him twice. Two of those contacts made were based on police advisement. The other two were made out of anger in moments of emotional relapse. He has never been violent to me, but they suggested I contact him and let him know the relationship is over... clearly he knows that, but when in Rome....
I am happy to say that I finally figured out how to, and blocked his e-mails from my account this week. It was hurtful to do so, but I can't allow his correspondance full of lies and deceit to tug at my heart any longer. I know that I did the best thing for me, by leaving him, but it still hurts so much.
Very strange thing happened the other day.... I smelled him. Another man walked past me with his favorite cologne on and it instantly reminded me of my ex. I wanted to cry when it happened because it reminded me of his big bear hugs.... he was a big guy for most of our relationship. Luckily I was able to get through it without crying on the spot. (On a side note, as he was loosing weight toward the end of our relationship, he was pretending to exercise etc. and he said that he was doing so for our wedding. I now know it was do to his cocaine use. Wow, its kind of funny/sad)
I know that getting through this and getting over it is a process and its not going to happen overnight. My heart wishes that the words he says in his correspondance were true, and that I could believe them, and by some miracle we could get back together and live happily every after. I know that I can't, and that it won't turn out that way. My heart is too broken for me to trust him with it again. When I did trust him, his words were untrue.
After all of the pain that he has put me through how could I still love him, miss him, long to hug him,? I must be a fool. There isn't a logical explaination. I have looked for some Al-Non meetings in my area, where I currenlty am, not in VA, but there aren't any close that I can attend right now. I can't wait until I get some insurance so that I can go to counseling. I have applied for gov. insurance as I am currently unemployed but I haven't received a response as of yet. ( It can take up to eight weeks for a response).
Thanks for listening, knowing that your here really helps a lot. I find it hard to talk to people in my circle most of the time because they don't really get it. I don't have that problem here. I have one friend that has really listened to me and been there for me throughout all of this. I have decided that I won't talk to her about it unless she asks, as I don't want to burn her out.
My own mother hasn't been comforting to me, so I don't even talk to her about it. If she asks me a question about it I answer but she rarely does that. She says.. sometimes we get a bad apple, get over it. She has been great in supporitng me financially and in everyy other way than emotionally. She has always been the tough cookie, and I have always been the sensitive... water head. I know she wants me to be tougher and I am not there yet.
I shouldn't expect much of her emotionally, my biological father wasn't in my life past the age of three and she barely talked to me about it throughout my childhood (I had a great stepfather that she married when I was eight). I am not blaming anything on my mother. I know she did the best that she could with me, just observing somethings that have always been there.
Sorry for the long post, and the rambling on and on. I guess I had more on my mind than I originally thought. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. Thanks again.
With that said, somedays I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. My ex used to play this song, The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel for me a lot toward the end of our relationship, and sometimes we would dance to it. I know that is sappy, but that is who I am, and who he pretened to be. He said that he wanted it to be our first dance at our wedding. Needless to say that wedding will never happen.
Today I feel as if I am mourning the love I had for him. It has been hard for me, and his letters, cards, and e-mails have not made it easier. He has stopped by to visit me as well and I haven't been there thankfully. In the last four months I have called him twice and e-mailed him twice. Two of those contacts made were based on police advisement. The other two were made out of anger in moments of emotional relapse. He has never been violent to me, but they suggested I contact him and let him know the relationship is over... clearly he knows that, but when in Rome....
I am happy to say that I finally figured out how to, and blocked his e-mails from my account this week. It was hurtful to do so, but I can't allow his correspondance full of lies and deceit to tug at my heart any longer. I know that I did the best thing for me, by leaving him, but it still hurts so much.
Very strange thing happened the other day.... I smelled him. Another man walked past me with his favorite cologne on and it instantly reminded me of my ex. I wanted to cry when it happened because it reminded me of his big bear hugs.... he was a big guy for most of our relationship. Luckily I was able to get through it without crying on the spot. (On a side note, as he was loosing weight toward the end of our relationship, he was pretending to exercise etc. and he said that he was doing so for our wedding. I now know it was do to his cocaine use. Wow, its kind of funny/sad)
I know that getting through this and getting over it is a process and its not going to happen overnight. My heart wishes that the words he says in his correspondance were true, and that I could believe them, and by some miracle we could get back together and live happily every after. I know that I can't, and that it won't turn out that way. My heart is too broken for me to trust him with it again. When I did trust him, his words were untrue.
After all of the pain that he has put me through how could I still love him, miss him, long to hug him,? I must be a fool. There isn't a logical explaination. I have looked for some Al-Non meetings in my area, where I currenlty am, not in VA, but there aren't any close that I can attend right now. I can't wait until I get some insurance so that I can go to counseling. I have applied for gov. insurance as I am currently unemployed but I haven't received a response as of yet. ( It can take up to eight weeks for a response).
Thanks for listening, knowing that your here really helps a lot. I find it hard to talk to people in my circle most of the time because they don't really get it. I don't have that problem here. I have one friend that has really listened to me and been there for me throughout all of this. I have decided that I won't talk to her about it unless she asks, as I don't want to burn her out.
My own mother hasn't been comforting to me, so I don't even talk to her about it. If she asks me a question about it I answer but she rarely does that. She says.. sometimes we get a bad apple, get over it. She has been great in supporitng me financially and in everyy other way than emotionally. She has always been the tough cookie, and I have always been the sensitive... water head. I know she wants me to be tougher and I am not there yet.
I shouldn't expect much of her emotionally, my biological father wasn't in my life past the age of three and she barely talked to me about it throughout my childhood (I had a great stepfather that she married when I was eight). I am not blaming anything on my mother. I know she did the best that she could with me, just observing somethings that have always been there.
Sorry for the long post, and the rambling on and on. I guess I had more on my mind than I originally thought. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
"After all of the pain that he has put me through how could I still love him, miss him, long to hug him,? I must be a fool. There isn't a logical explaination."
You are not a fool. You love, miss, and long to hug the man you thought he was. Sadly, that was not the man he actually turned out to be. And your grief is not just for what it feels like you've lost right now, but for the life you expected to have with him in the future. Nothing about what you're going through is easy.
You are not a fool. You love, miss, and long to hug the man you thought he was. Sadly, that was not the man he actually turned out to be. And your grief is not just for what it feels like you've lost right now, but for the life you expected to have with him in the future. Nothing about what you're going through is easy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 34
No Ground: "your grief is not just for what it feels like you've lost right now, but for the life you expected to have with him in the future."
I couldn't have said this any better myself. Perfect description. Thanks so much.
Dollydo: Thanks so much, your right I need to be more patient with myself.
I couldn't have said this any better myself. Perfect description. Thanks so much.
Dollydo: Thanks so much, your right I need to be more patient with myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hurt,
I so get it. I left my husband the last of May and I am really struggling. Yesterday I was deep in the throws of depression trying to understand how I could long for a connection with someone that has lied to me, abused me, and neglected me. I think it is because there were times that that wasn't happening and there is a part of me that I've named "Hope" because that is what she does....hope.
"Hope" buys into a future that she makes up is going to be rich with a connection to my husband where we do things together, there is honesty, support, joy, comfort, and love. She thinks that there must be some catch that she has overlooked that would allow all of that to come true. She has thinking very much like a drug addict that is trying to figure out how to use and still make life work. I am aware that Hope is a flaming codependent...but I still love her because one of the great things about her is that she is optimistic and forgiving.
Thank heavens for recovery because I get it that my illusions/delusions can set me up for more pain and sorrow. I realize that I am most likely in the process of emotional detox. My love for my husband and my missing him does not make any more sense than someone who is longing for a night of crack. None of it ends well.
I think that the only thing we can do is what we are doing. It helps me to come here and be able to be honest that I am really struggling. The same way I think that it helps someone with a substance addiction to turn to their meetings/connections when they are struggling with early sobriety.
I realize that I am in my first "90 days" and that early recovery can be really tough. Please reach out to me anytime and I will do the same. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this but you are not alone.
I so get it. I left my husband the last of May and I am really struggling. Yesterday I was deep in the throws of depression trying to understand how I could long for a connection with someone that has lied to me, abused me, and neglected me. I think it is because there were times that that wasn't happening and there is a part of me that I've named "Hope" because that is what she does....hope.
"Hope" buys into a future that she makes up is going to be rich with a connection to my husband where we do things together, there is honesty, support, joy, comfort, and love. She thinks that there must be some catch that she has overlooked that would allow all of that to come true. She has thinking very much like a drug addict that is trying to figure out how to use and still make life work. I am aware that Hope is a flaming codependent...but I still love her because one of the great things about her is that she is optimistic and forgiving.
Thank heavens for recovery because I get it that my illusions/delusions can set me up for more pain and sorrow. I realize that I am most likely in the process of emotional detox. My love for my husband and my missing him does not make any more sense than someone who is longing for a night of crack. None of it ends well.
I think that the only thing we can do is what we are doing. It helps me to come here and be able to be honest that I am really struggling. The same way I think that it helps someone with a substance addiction to turn to their meetings/connections when they are struggling with early sobriety.
I realize that I am in my first "90 days" and that early recovery can be really tough. Please reach out to me anytime and I will do the same. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this but you are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 34
Lightseeker:
I am sorry that you are going through this as well, I wouldn't wish this on anyone in the world, not even my ex. I love that you have named apart of you Hope. I have Hope in me as well. I too sometimes wish in some magical way this could all work out and my ex and I could live happily ever after. She is seeking the connection I once had, that I now know itsn't real.
I too feel as if I am in some sort of emotional detox myself. Its not a constant, but sometimes I have the urge to call him, e-mail him etc. I miss hearing from him, but I know one call to him will launch me back into his web of lies, deceit, and manipulation. Sometimes its hard for me to believe/accept that I talked to him several times a day saw him everyday and now it all stopped, cold turkey, because that is not who he really is. I think that is the hardest part for me right now, accepting that it was all fake. Over five years of lies and pretending is a bitter pill to swallow.
Being here and around people that get it is so wonderful. I had one family member blame me, and initially I thought well maybe I contributed to his problem. I now know the truth, I did not cause it, I did not create it, and I cannot control his problem. Today I feel better than yesterday. Take it one day at a time, and feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk, vent, cry, yell, etc.
Hugs,
I am sorry that you are going through this as well, I wouldn't wish this on anyone in the world, not even my ex. I love that you have named apart of you Hope. I have Hope in me as well. I too sometimes wish in some magical way this could all work out and my ex and I could live happily ever after. She is seeking the connection I once had, that I now know itsn't real.
I too feel as if I am in some sort of emotional detox myself. Its not a constant, but sometimes I have the urge to call him, e-mail him etc. I miss hearing from him, but I know one call to him will launch me back into his web of lies, deceit, and manipulation. Sometimes its hard for me to believe/accept that I talked to him several times a day saw him everyday and now it all stopped, cold turkey, because that is not who he really is. I think that is the hardest part for me right now, accepting that it was all fake. Over five years of lies and pretending is a bitter pill to swallow.
Being here and around people that get it is so wonderful. I had one family member blame me, and initially I thought well maybe I contributed to his problem. I now know the truth, I did not cause it, I did not create it, and I cannot control his problem. Today I feel better than yesterday. Take it one day at a time, and feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk, vent, cry, yell, etc.
Hugs,
Last edited by hurtbeyondbelie; 07-09-2011 at 11:07 PM. Reason: Forgot to add something
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