HopeAwaits

How come when I wish for the drama to stop and it does it worries me more?!

Things blew up yesterday I was going to take our daughter to spend the afternoon with her dad at an aquarium he was in a rant so i asked if it was going to be a peacful day, he refused to answer saying i dont have to answer himaso he doesnt have to answer me. I set the boundry that I was not going to bring her if it was not going to be a calm peacful day for her sake.

He then said if you stop talking about thses things it will be, that was after asking several times w no answer. My mother then was going to go if he calmed down. She spoke with him when he called back. He continued to yell and hang up on her twice because she wouldnt go to the beach to discuss (on 4th of July?! really?) and havent heard from since.

While I enjoy the silence, it creates a worry of when it will start back up, how bad and where?!


Anyone have the same thing before??

dollydo

In my humble opinion you spend way too much time thinking about him and trying to figure him out. He occupies too much of your brain space, and, all it ends up doing is being a negative experience for you. You will never figure him out.

Very simply put, time to let go and go about your life. If I remember correctly your daughter didn't even want to see him. So what gives?

Give this entire situation some serious thought, it is affecting your daughter make no mistake about that.

Have you read Codependent No More? Any consideration being given to attend Alanon meetings? Might want to consider both.

Just my 2 cents!

suki44883

Sometimes codies become addicted to the chaos. When we separate ourselves from it, it sometimes feels odd. As time passes, so long as you don't start in again playing the game, the quiet and serenity will become comfortable and the chaos will be like nails on a chalk board.

Freedom1990

Think about it. Is this the kind of person your daughter benefits from seeing?

What childish prattle and games he plays.

It appears to me that any attempts at visitation are more trouble than they are worth.

I know for me, I couldn't be present 100% for either of my daughters if I was all wrapped up in someone's immature and inappropriate behavior.

outtolunch

One upon a time, I obsessed 24/7 with my daughter who was deep into heroin addiction. The more time I spent focusing on her and her problems, the less time I focused on my own issues. I was addicted to the drama and chaos of her life. I needed a constant fix.

Looking back, I was sicker than she was.

HopeAwaits

Yo are all so right! thank you!! I have read Codependancy no more and had done very well with my recovery. I am slowly learning how much deeper I am in it than I was before.

She doesnt really have an interest in seeing him, she doesnt ask. I was trying to go by court order for her to see him. I am regaining some of my strengths I had regained and he knows now that if he wants to see her he needs to call my mother and set it up.

I have also found FtoF Naranon in the area on Sundays close. I have only been to Alanon but am going to go and regain my life and relearn what I need to.

Thank you for your honest responses!!!

I have allowed my self to be in the stress and him to effect me. It amazes me how it happened again when I left, he is sober. I realize too that he while is sober and goes to meeting has not worked his program to totally recover

dollydo

I believe that you are moving in the right direction. Keep your focus, try not to react, sit back and think for awhile, then make your decision to respond or just let it go. For me, that was the hardest part, to not impulsively respond.

I can see that participating on this forum is helping you....and with that, it is a real benefit to your daughter.

Hugs,

sisters5

I so get what you are saying. Every time I step away from my AS I feel well until I don't hear from her.....then I start to worry. This is a terrible cycle. We all need to break it for our own mental health. Try and focus on you and your daughter....I'm trying but it isn't easy!

MissTara

hopeawaits,

I agree with suki, we are used to the chaos & drama, so when it is gone for a long or even a short period of time it causes stress & anxiety.

It takes time to get used to the non-drama moments, open your mind to those moments, sometimes they are few far and inbetween. See the beauty in them instead of stressing about him.