Wife2anaddict

....my RAH is in an SLE and is doing well as far as I can tell. He comes to the house on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings to eat with the kids, hang out and put them to bed. He takes them one day during the weekend, and one day I have them. It's working out well. I try to go to a meeting, go out to run errands and other things, so I am not interfering with (controlling) their visit. Occasionally, we do things all together. Yesterday, RAH asks me if we could trade weekend days b/c he really wants to go to the annual NA convention. He has gone every year for the past 6-7 years. He also asks me how I feel about this. The problem is, it makes me sick to my stomach. Last 4th of July weekend, he went to the convention, and he cheated on me with another RA. This was the catalyst for his relapse that spiraled over the course of about 6 months. He’d had a good amount of clean time before that. He says he couldn't handle the guilt/shame of the affair, which is why he began to relapse. Who knows. Maybe just an excuse. Anyways, he says he wanted to talk to me about going this year. He says he doesn’t want to disrespect me by going. He knows how I feel about the situation from last year. He says that a mutual friend has confirmed that “she’s” not going this year. He goes on to say that he’s trying not to be co-dependent by worrying about my feelings and that he knows he should just go b/c he wants to, but still doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I--trying also not to be codpendent, tell him it’s his choice to make, and he is free to make this decision on his own. Really, I am not liking the idea. It brings up hurtful memories. Codependency and addiction aside, I find it inappropriate. The other problem is, we are semi-separated. We’re kind of in this limbo state of our relationship. We haven’t really even addressed our “relationship” b/c we are busy working on ourselves. So, here I am, faced with a situation that I don’t know how to handle as a recovering codie. I am approached and asked how I feel about the situation. Shouldn’t I be honest if I am asked? I also don’t want to be codependent by interfering with or trying to control his life. Maybe he should go? Maybe it’s my issue. We’re both so wrapped up in “Not being codependent” that I’m afraid neither of us are seeing the situation for what it really is.

Freedom1990

My two cents? It's your issue. I realize that what happened last year is painful for you, and this dredges up the hurt.

However, he could potentially cheat whenever he wanted to if that were the case. It's not exclusive to an NA convention.

For me, conventions are a fantastic experience. They give me the opportunity to see recovery working in a huge way. I wish I were able to make more.

dollydo

If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat, no matter where he is. This is his character flaw, and, is totally out of your control, as is, everything else he chooses to do.

I agree, this is your issue.