He has to leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
He has to leave
24 yr. old AS has been in jail for the past 4 months. Last week my spouse and I made the mistake of bringing him home temporarily until he gets on his feet. He looks fantastic, has put on much needed weight. Our boundaries were simple, find a job, no drug or alcohol use, go to program, and a curfew as long as he was in our home.
I suppose I thought 4 months clean, once released he would start working on a program. He made all the promises to the courts. He has been out looking for work, however he has only gone to one AA meeting. We are very tense in the home with him, any valuables locked up. He has done nothing but complain the last week " he doesnt want to work for 12.00 hr., he doesnt like meetings, doesnt want everyone to know he has a problem. Last nite my spouse and I were sitting on the porch , he showed up smelt like booze, and was in a car with two other guys that looked like drug users. When we questioned him if he was drinking the answer was only one. I found beer caps in the house and on our lawn. Of course there not his. I may be paranoid, but it looks as if he has gone through some of our drawers. Have caught him lying twice. We need to tell him to leave. My intuition says he's heading back to the crack again. Part of me feels horrible because I feel such a distance from him. We love him and he is our son, but truthfully we dont know him any longer. Did I make a mistake bringing him back ? Part of me feels like I have just relapsed in my own recovery. Strangest thing is I have found pennies in his toilet.
I know once we tell him to go, there will be tears and a big scene I am dreading it, however I can not go back to where I was a few years ago.
I suppose I thought 4 months clean, once released he would start working on a program. He made all the promises to the courts. He has been out looking for work, however he has only gone to one AA meeting. We are very tense in the home with him, any valuables locked up. He has done nothing but complain the last week " he doesnt want to work for 12.00 hr., he doesnt like meetings, doesnt want everyone to know he has a problem. Last nite my spouse and I were sitting on the porch , he showed up smelt like booze, and was in a car with two other guys that looked like drug users. When we questioned him if he was drinking the answer was only one. I found beer caps in the house and on our lawn. Of course there not his. I may be paranoid, but it looks as if he has gone through some of our drawers. Have caught him lying twice. We need to tell him to leave. My intuition says he's heading back to the crack again. Part of me feels horrible because I feel such a distance from him. We love him and he is our son, but truthfully we dont know him any longer. Did I make a mistake bringing him back ? Part of me feels like I have just relapsed in my own recovery. Strangest thing is I have found pennies in his toilet.
I know once we tell him to go, there will be tears and a big scene I am dreading it, however I can not go back to where I was a few years ago.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
Unfortunately, it does sound like he's headed back down that road. There's nothing you can do to help him until he wants recovery. I'm sure you know that. He isn't ready yet to change. Until he is so miserable he cannot stand it another minute, he won't change. Giving him a home with all that entails is keeping him from hitting his bottom. I know it's hard; I've been there, but it's what has to be done if you want any kind of peace and serenity in your own life.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((katie))) Wow, do I know the scene you are describing.....except it was my now A stepson. His father had to finally kick him out of the house because of the lying, stealing, bringing the drug dealer INTO the house 
. He turned from alcohol to crack--a scary, personality-altering drug. The young man threatened to kill 3 members of his own family....so.....out he went!
It was sooo hard on my husband because his heart truly hurt for the young man. The family tried to encourage him to get help at every turn, but he refused. Finally, Mr. HG just could not live on pins and needles afraid of who would come into the house, what was going to be stolen next, what sort of mood his son would be in. But....addicts are very resourceful. The young man always found someplace to stay, even if it was the local homeless shelter.
Hugs to you and your husband, and I hope that your son will begin to make better decisions for his own life.
HG
. He turned from alcohol to crack--a scary, personality-altering drug. The young man threatened to kill 3 members of his own family....so.....out he went!It was sooo hard on my husband because his heart truly hurt for the young man. The family tried to encourage him to get help at every turn, but he refused. Finally, Mr. HG just could not live on pins and needles afraid of who would come into the house, what was going to be stolen next, what sort of mood his son would be in. But....addicts are very resourceful. The young man always found someplace to stay, even if it was the local homeless shelter.
Hugs to you and your husband, and I hope that your son will begin to make better decisions for his own life.
HG
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
katie,
I'm so sorry for what you are currently going through. It is tough to have to enforce those boundaries we set, but if we don't our word means NOTHING. Please remember, you established the boundaries for what you expected in YOUR home. If the boundaries are violated, you do not need to live with unacceptable behavior.
I'm so sorry for what you are currently going through. It is tough to have to enforce those boundaries we set, but if we don't our word means NOTHING. Please remember, you established the boundaries for what you expected in YOUR home. If the boundaries are violated, you do not need to live with unacceptable behavior.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Katie,
I am sorry you are struggling with this. I think you should do what is best for you and your spouse and your home. If he is indeed going down the wrong path again, it is not going to end well. I would say the earlier you ask him to leave the better.
When I had to kick out my addict/alcoholic Brother, or the numerous times I broke up with my ex/addict bf, I would always ask myself *where are they going to go, who will take care of them?* But someone once told me that if they can be out on the streets scoring drinks & drugs....then they can find the good things in life to help them as well.
Be strong for you and your family....you are right, you do not want to be where you were emotionally a few years ago.
Sending good vibes your way!
I am sorry you are struggling with this. I think you should do what is best for you and your spouse and your home. If he is indeed going down the wrong path again, it is not going to end well. I would say the earlier you ask him to leave the better.
When I had to kick out my addict/alcoholic Brother, or the numerous times I broke up with my ex/addict bf, I would always ask myself *where are they going to go, who will take care of them?* But someone once told me that if they can be out on the streets scoring drinks & drugs....then they can find the good things in life to help them as well.
Be strong for you and your family....you are right, you do not want to be where you were emotionally a few years ago.
Sending good vibes your way!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I have a son in rehab myself. I feel for the place you are in. You want your son to have come to terms with his past and be motivated to change, willing to do all he can to move forward as a responsible adult--but he's not ready.
I have read that if the addict/alcoholic is really on board to change we wont miss it. He will be talking and living recovery 24 hours a day. That's what I'm hoping I hear from my son. Time will tell.
For you, your son is showing you where his heart is--drugs. So sorry for you and your husband. You must be very disappointed but there is nothing you can do to change it (other than delay your son's reaching his rock bottom). We have to let them travel the road they are on to the end as quickly as they can get there and let the consequences of their actions catch up with them so they can be motivated to get the help they need.
I have read that if the addict/alcoholic is really on board to change we wont miss it. He will be talking and living recovery 24 hours a day. That's what I'm hoping I hear from my son. Time will tell.
For you, your son is showing you where his heart is--drugs. So sorry for you and your husband. You must be very disappointed but there is nothing you can do to change it (other than delay your son's reaching his rock bottom). We have to let them travel the road they are on to the end as quickly as they can get there and let the consequences of their actions catch up with them so they can be motivated to get the help they need.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by MissTara 
Katie,
I would always ask myself *where are they going to go, who will take care of them?* But someone once told me that if they can be out on the streets scoring drinks & drugs....then they can find the good things in life to help them as well.
I would always ask myself *where are they going to go, who will take care of them?* But someone once told me that if they can be out on the streets scoring drinks & drugs....then they can find the good things in life to help them as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I too opened up my home to my AD after she served a lengthy sentence for felony drug charges.
She was shown the door a month into the stay.
She crossed darned near every boundary I had in place.
Today I give her the dignity to live her life as she sees fit, and I have very little contact with her.
Hugs from one mom to another!
:ghug3
She was shown the door a month into the stay.
She crossed darned near every boundary I had in place.
Today I give her the dignity to live her life as she sees fit, and I have very little contact with her.
Hugs from one mom to another!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by katie44
Did I make a mistake bringing him back ? Part of me feels like I have just relapsed in my own recovery.
No mistakes. This was likely a lesson you needed to learn.
Nothing you do or say can keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Been there, done that Katie and there is no happy ending to this.
If you want to speed up the process, leave a $10 dollar bill sitting on your dresser and watch how fast it disappears.
I'm sorry this wasn't his time, and will keep him in my prayers.
Hugs from a mama who understands.:ghug3
If you want to speed up the process, leave a $10 dollar bill sitting on your dresser and watch how fast it disappears.
I'm sorry this wasn't his time, and will keep him in my prayers.
Hugs from a mama who understands.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Katie))) - I'm sorry you're going through this again. From this recovering crack addict, recovering-codie-who-left-her-crackhead-bf, I think he's heading back down that spiral. He doesn't want to work for 11.00/hour? Sheez, I work for 7.50/hour at one of my two jobs.
I'm sorry, but I just don't think he "gets it" yet. Am sending lots and lots of prayers to you and your family.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm sorry, but I just don't think he "gets it" yet. Am sending lots and lots of prayers to you and your family.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Katie,
I'm so sorry about what is happening with your son. I agree, NO MISTAKES. You made a decision to let him come back based on what you knew at the time. We all keep learning as we go along. Unfortunately, there is not an exact rule book on what to do.
Sticking to your boundaries is key though - as much as it hurts. My husband used for 20+ years - mainly because he kept having a soft place to land with his family. It wasn't until he knew that they really were done giving him places to live and chance after chance that he finally got sober. I think that he would have found his bottom a lot sooner if he had had to fend for himself.
My oldest son has gotten into pot smoking and I've seen how different it feels to deal with a child that is abusing drugs vs. a mate. It wrenches at my heart in a whole different way.
We're lucky that there are so many wonderful moms on our forum....they really know the deal and certainly have a lot more insight than I do. I am thinking about you though and sending healing love and light.
I'm so sorry about what is happening with your son. I agree, NO MISTAKES. You made a decision to let him come back based on what you knew at the time. We all keep learning as we go along. Unfortunately, there is not an exact rule book on what to do.
Sticking to your boundaries is key though - as much as it hurts. My husband used for 20+ years - mainly because he kept having a soft place to land with his family. It wasn't until he knew that they really were done giving him places to live and chance after chance that he finally got sober. I think that he would have found his bottom a lot sooner if he had had to fend for himself.
My oldest son has gotten into pot smoking and I've seen how different it feels to deal with a child that is abusing drugs vs. a mate. It wrenches at my heart in a whole different way.
We're lucky that there are so many wonderful moms on our forum....they really know the deal and certainly have a lot more insight than I do. I am thinking about you though and sending healing love and light.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: northville ny
Posts: 20
I am sorry just went through exact same thing with my daughter
she just got out of prison after being in for a year and half I let her be parolled to my house in hopes of her helping to raise her 2 year old son whom she walked away from for crack and alcohol. She was supposed to have all of these rules from parole she was to follow and I tried to keep her on track but within a month she was back to old ways lying drinking etc etc she was finally given choice by parole which was back to prison or in house rehab followed by halfway house. So she left today for rehab all kinds of mad because she thought we were going to give her everything she needed to be comfortable with and we refused so she left mad but not as mad as i have been for her selfishness. so good luck get hard and try not to give in .
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
katie
I did the same thing after my son's fourth stint in treatment (two inpatient two out patient). I don't look at it as a mistake. It was a lesson that I had to learn. We went through the same thing......our home became a place that made us uncomfortable. And it really shouldn't be that way.
My son is out there now....living on the streets....sleeping in his car.....couch surfing. I have no idea how he gets by but he's been doing it for a few months now and seems to be surviving. Does it hurt? yeah. But does it rule my life? no. I have good days and bad days but the good days FAR out number the bad ones.
It helps me to realize that asking him to leave was a consequence.....not a punishment.
You and your son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
I did the same thing after my son's fourth stint in treatment (two inpatient two out patient). I don't look at it as a mistake. It was a lesson that I had to learn. We went through the same thing......our home became a place that made us uncomfortable. And it really shouldn't be that way.
My son is out there now....living on the streets....sleeping in his car.....couch surfing. I have no idea how he gets by but he's been doing it for a few months now and seems to be surviving. Does it hurt? yeah. But does it rule my life? no. I have good days and bad days but the good days FAR out number the bad ones.
It helps me to realize that asking him to leave was a consequence.....not a punishment.
You and your son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Oh, Katie....
I so wish it to be different, but as everyone has said, and as you already know, it appears that he's back on that downward spiral.
Stick to your boundaries and tell him he must leave because he chooses not to keep up his end of the agreement. If you have any doubts, or if he pulls the old, "I AM NOT USING/DRINKING, etc.," you can make him take a drug or breath alcohol test.
I have learned after many "missteps" (not mistakes) that I'm not the best person to assist my AS in any way. Whether a place to live, a $20 bill now and again, or a visit to the grocery, I decline with love. I just say, "No, that's not going to work for me."
And, don't be hard on yourself... You did what you thought was the right thing at the time. Remember that hindsight is 20/20... The important thing, I think is to learn from it. As humans, we tend to repeat the same "missteps" over and over again until we learn the lesson it was there to teach us.
Sending you strength, love, and hugs,
Hunny
I so wish it to be different, but as everyone has said, and as you already know, it appears that he's back on that downward spiral.
Stick to your boundaries and tell him he must leave because he chooses not to keep up his end of the agreement. If you have any doubts, or if he pulls the old, "I AM NOT USING/DRINKING, etc.," you can make him take a drug or breath alcohol test.
I have learned after many "missteps" (not mistakes) that I'm not the best person to assist my AS in any way. Whether a place to live, a $20 bill now and again, or a visit to the grocery, I decline with love. I just say, "No, that's not going to work for me."
And, don't be hard on yourself... You did what you thought was the right thing at the time. Remember that hindsight is 20/20... The important thing, I think is to learn from it. As humans, we tend to repeat the same "missteps" over and over again until we learn the lesson it was there to teach us.
Sending you strength, love, and hugs,
Hunny
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Thankyou for your replies. We asked AS to leave on Thursday, packed all his clothes and put them on the porch. Turns out my intuition was right,again he has stolen. Prior to him getting out of jail we had locked everything up with any value. How clever they are when they are in need of money. We had banker boxes in the garage from our business, he went through them, found an old cheque and altered it, had one of his friends cash it for $200.00. Ann I did leave a $20.00 out and guess what he took it. He just sat in jail for 4 months due to check fraud, and within a week back at it again. We told him we don't want to see him. No more manipulation, if he is hungry dont call, if he needs a ride to detox etc. don't call. There are many organizations out there that would give him a helping hand. The truth is he is not ready for recovery, he doesnt want to work, he cons, lies and manipulates innocent people out of there hard earned money. We told him he could live his life the way hes sees fit, however we would not be part of his chaos. I know I sound harsh and cold just so tired of it all. The truth is i look at my son and he is a stranger to us. He begged us to bring him home, told us all the things we wanted to hear, and I saw absolutely no effort on his part in recovery.Two weeks with him in our home was a nightmare. He rooted through all of our belongings, made a huge mess, complained constantly, had a car load of his addict friends in the driveway. Neither I or my spouse could sleep or relax in our home. We will be there one day if he is working a program, for now he is facing consequences again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
When we confronted him about the money his reply was " oh i screwed up again" Im going to go to NA meetings next week. He then turned on the crocodile tears and begged us not to put him on the street. We said "you put your self there, and you choose to live like this'. We havent heard from him, pray he finds recovery one day.
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