My qualifier wants me to be more involved....
 

Hello!
After a roller coaster ride of 14 years my qualifier has been sober for over 120 days, however still doing speed. I have been attending Alanon since December but not on a regular basis. He states that Alanon is how to get rid of the Alcoholic and that I should go to AA meetings like him so I can learn the lingo and be on the same page with him so I will understand better. I agree with that but I still want to go to Alanon. I have been going to at least one AA meeting a week for the last month. We sometimes go together and bring our 4 year old son, but they do not provide babysitting and he hears things that I would rather not have him hear. So I brought it up that one of us should stay home with our son while the other attends the meeting. Well he took it as I dont want to be involved in his life and do not support him and that he needs this program and he needs to put it first. I agree however I dont want our son hearing these stories. He is now completely upset and wants to end our relationship because he needs support and needs to be with other recovering alcoholics. Not sure should I attend more meeting to understand or is Alanon the place to be for now?

If he's still doing speed, he's not sober, nor in any semblance of recovery even though he's attending meetings.

Good for you for attending Alanon. Alanon has helped me tremendously over the years. I now have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction.

Personally, I'd stick with Alanon if I were you. :)

He's quacking. Trying to make you feel guilty for going to al-anon for yourself. You will learn all the "lingo" you need at al-anon. I agree your 4-year old son doesn't need to hear all that goes on at AA meetings.

I agree with Freedom. Al-anon is where you need to be. If he's still doing speed, he isn't really getting much out of AA anyway. He's certainly not in recovery.

If your qualifier gives up his speed, then he can be considered sober and you can think about marriage counseling, but right now Al-Anon is precisely what you need. If he is not going to give up all substances, then you should not expect him to put you first over his drug. If you desire to continue living with him, then you need tools to help you face the inevitable reality of being second to the drug in his life.

There seems to be a lot of "he wants" here, and the "he wants" is what got him in trouble in the first place, yes?

What you want makes more sense. You want a program about taking care of yourself and how to live your life in a healthy way. He is mistaken about Al-anon, it's not about him at all...maybe that's what bothers him.

You also want to protect your child from hearing stories that he doesn't understand and that may scare him. I've been to AA and NA meetings and the stories can scare me sometimes, so I can only imagine the fear a child would find there.

When he doesn't get his way, he wants to end it all. Do you hear a 6 year old here?

Sweetie, do what is right for you and your child. Live the life you should be living, one filled with happiness and joy. You deserve better than the life you have today.

Hugs

Sober and still doing speed. Gotta love it.

All together now, let's sing this man's song to the tune of the Meow Mix jingle:

me me me me me me me me me me me me.

quack quack quack quack quack quack quack

I also want to encourage you to continue reading and posting on Sober Recovery, and please continue your Al-Anon meetings... it is the place to be for you and for the life you will build for yourself and your son.

Focusing on what is healthy for us, is also healthy for the addicts and alcoholics in our lives. It's a whole new way of thinking for us, and it takes practice and patience.

My suggestion would be to detach and allow him to attend his AA meetings and work his program while you attend your Al-Anon meetings and work your program. There is alot he doesn't know about Al-Anon, and it's very common for addicts and alcoholics to believe it is a way for us "to get rid of the alcoholic." Nothing could be farther from the truth, LOL! .... But, having never attended an Al-Anon meeting, how could they know that?

Maybe you could find an Al-Anon meeting during the day and leave your son at a local "mother's day out" program so you could attend. You can also call the Al-Anon number in your phone book, tell them your situation and discuss your options with the person who answers the telephone. Many times they are able to help and suggest solutions.

At any rate, I wish you the best and hope you will post again.

And, I leave you with this beautiful quote from How Al-Anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics
with love,

Hunny

Wow, Thank you all for your responses, I truly appreciate the advice. Growing up in an alcoholic family (Mom has 23 years sober:), I know the lingo a little. He wants me to go to AA to be more spiritually fit and again to be closer to him to share with him. I feel Alanon will help me more with that. He just keeps putting it back on me that he can only be with someone that is like him. I told him that I am not like him but am supportive in his recovery. Funny thing is after 14 years of being together he just proposed to me last Monday:) I just feel like no matter what I do it will not be good enough, so now I am rethinking a lot. First priority is our son. I do want him to be sober and clean, I do support him, however attending Alanon is helping but I do have a hard time sometimes understanding (I am very stubborn) the whole process. Yes I know I do need to get a sponser. Anyway thank you again for your opinions, it is a good feeling to know that I have support out there:)

Reading this brings so many things to the surface for me. Im sorry he is trying to put this on you! As the others have said he is not sober!!
Him making you feel bad for not going to what he wants is his way of having someone else to blame, at least in my case it is that way. My XAH was so angry w me and still blames me for not supporting him by going to Alanon. I went to meetings when I could, but too had baby sitting issues. My Daughter was under 2 so I was able to take her a few. he didnt know i was here almost daily. But to him I was not supporting his sobriety.


You and your revovery and concern for your child is your importance.

)))Hugs((( and keep us updated

My son is in a rehab presently and the first few days after he began he was already telling me how he would never be able to use a mind altering substance ever again and remain sober. For where I can drink one or two drinks and then have no desire to drink more, he wont want to stop and at 8 or 10 follow the drinks up with some cocaine. Your qualifier is deluding himself in thinking speed is not going to wind him back up in the same place.

As far as the babysitting issue goes, Celebrate Recovery offers babysitting--or at least the one I attended last week did.

I found Alanon/Naranon very difficult to "get" at first. I simply didn't understand it. Initially I went, bought tons of books, and soon after stopped going because I didn't "get it". Eventually, I went back. What I was doing wasn't working (by not going to meetings) and I was willing to keep going until I started to get it. And I eventually did.

They say "Keep coming back--it works if you work it" and it does.

gentle hugs
ke

He is still doing speed but wants you to be more spiritually fit???????

Al-Anon is a spiritual program, just like AA. You can find all the spirituality and support that YOU need in Al-Anon. Just as he will find the same in AA.

If he is truly working his program, he won't be working yours.

Keep doing what you feel is right for you, and your son. Your instincts are spot on.

You sounds like a very sweet person. The thing with speed is it NEVER gets better. It just gets worse and worse until you end up in jail, a mental institution or dead. And he will take you with him - even if you aren't using.

Start working your own program at alanon - really work the steps with a sponsor - and let him work his half-assed fake program at AA while he's high. See who gets spiritually fit first.

Or you could just try church. Maybe you'll meet a nice, spiritually fit guy who doesn't use speed.

So this morning I wake up after realizing that he has not been to bed yet hmmmm wonder why. He politely in a calm voice told me that a moving company was coming at 10am to pack up my stuff and sending it to OH where my mom lives. I asked him what about our son he replied that his primary focus needs to be the program and if I dont want to be a part of that then I cannot be a part of his life. He stated that when he admitted to being an alcoholic and wanted me to admit also. Now by all means I have the genes and maybe sometimes the characteristics of an alcoholic but I assure you I am not and no I am not in denial. He stated AA is all about spirituality and I have none and that since he met me he has been dead inside and lost all of his spirituality. I will admit I am trying to find myself that was lost in all the escapades of life. I am going to Alanon only once a week and counseling once a week which is shedding light on myself. So now he is sleeping and I am wondering if I should call my Mom and tell her I am coming home or should I wait and talk it out. However I do not know how to talk to him without shutting down and not speaking. Thank you again for reading my venting it is truly helping:)

He's just playing games. That's just what drug addicts do. Can you see it? I have a few choice words for him but I'll be **** out if I type them here.

I'm glad you and your son are getting out of there. You are being given a chance to get away. Take it!!! It's survival sweetie. If, he's on speed, he's NOT in recovery. He's a danger to himself, to you and most importantly TO THE BABY Don't take that lightly. Things are getting worse with his addiction and you have a child who needs you. That so-called "man" can take care of himself.

Call your mom and go as fast as you can. You really need some face to face support right now. Maybe you could even put a call into your counselor and let he/she know what's going on. Keep reading and posting. Let us know how you are doing.

He's just wanting to blame you for his failures in life. Perhaps as he progresses along with AA he will come to terms with his role in his failures to be a responsible man and stop blaming you.

Keep attending Al-Anon. You don't want to find yourself down the road repeating past mistakes with a new addict.

Blessings to you and your child. I hope your mother will welcome the two of you and you can make a fresh, new start to a better life.

Please take the child and go home. He's in active addiction and there is no reasoning with an active addict who seeks only to protect himself and score again.

It's not personal but it sure does feel that way when you are in the middle of it.

Break the cycle. Save yourself and protect your child.

As a recovering addict/alcoholic whose drug of choice was crystal meth, I'd say he's itching to really cut loose and you're in the way.

What a load of crap he is feeding you. :(