feel "ok" today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: alabama
Posts: 68
feel "ok" today
My AH has been out of the house for 3 days now. let me tell you WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER! I am exhausted. But at the moment am feeling ok.
He has played the typical games with me. I have heard things like "You dont leave someone you love" "you will end up alone and sad" "This isnt gona work out the way you want it to" "I dont believe in seperation" "I have been clean for 4 days" "the only communication (about me) you will have with my parents is when I am present" and my favorite "you will be all alone to raise 4 kids" as if I havent been that way for years. I have moments of panic. Moments of regret. Moments of sorrow. But I have also had moments of peace. I dont know how this is going to turn out. The combonation of my inlaws and my AH is dangerous for me. Like I said in an earlier post, I am not from the small town we live in. And it is truely all in who you know here. I think they all think I am doing this with some hidden agenda. And I am not. I love him and miss the guy he once was. I only want him and I healthy. I have not and have no intentions (at this point) to file for divorce. That is the opposite of what I want and believe in. but things (me and him) have to change. Wish everyone that had opinions on our situation could see that. I am still planning on going to Celebrate Recovery tomorrow night (considered inviting my AH). Am feeling "ok" today. Maybe its because I havent talked to him as of yet. Ha. Will see if I feel differently after that occurs.
He has played the typical games with me. I have heard things like "You dont leave someone you love" "you will end up alone and sad" "This isnt gona work out the way you want it to" "I dont believe in seperation" "I have been clean for 4 days" "the only communication (about me) you will have with my parents is when I am present" and my favorite "you will be all alone to raise 4 kids" as if I havent been that way for years. I have moments of panic. Moments of regret. Moments of sorrow. But I have also had moments of peace. I dont know how this is going to turn out. The combonation of my inlaws and my AH is dangerous for me. Like I said in an earlier post, I am not from the small town we live in. And it is truely all in who you know here. I think they all think I am doing this with some hidden agenda. And I am not. I love him and miss the guy he once was. I only want him and I healthy. I have not and have no intentions (at this point) to file for divorce. That is the opposite of what I want and believe in. but things (me and him) have to change. Wish everyone that had opinions on our situation could see that. I am still planning on going to Celebrate Recovery tomorrow night (considered inviting my AH). Am feeling "ok" today. Maybe its because I havent talked to him as of yet. Ha. Will see if I feel differently after that occurs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm glad you checked in! I hail from a small town too, and it's not where I am originally from, so I understand the "it's who you know" thing!
Just a small suggestion. Perhaps consider attending Celebrate Recovery for yourself, and not inviting him?!
:ghug3
Just a small suggestion. Perhaps consider attending Celebrate Recovery for yourself, and not inviting him?!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sulphur, LA
Posts: 49
I am glad you are feeling "ok" today. We have all got to take things one day at a time and do what is best for ourselves. When and if you are ever ready for divorce that needs to be your decision and nobody elses. Everyone here just wants you to know we are here for you if you need us. Leaving or staying is a big decision and it has to be right for you. Just take care of yourself and your children. I have stayed with my husband for 8 years dealing with his addictions and have tried to work through them with him. I have wanted to help and be there for him and now I am ready to get off the rollercoaster ride. Everyone does things in their own time and maybe it will never be for you but you will come to your own conclusions. Good Luck with everything and again take care of you and the kids they should be your first concern. It took me a long time to realize that as so much of my time has been taking care of my husband and working on him than being there for my kids or doing things for myself. Remember we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You may want to give yourself a break and stop talking to him every time he calls or tries to see you.
Despite how he may feel, or you may feel, HIS problems are not YOUR crisis. I instituted the 24 hour rule when my ex and I broke up. I stopped taking his calls. I let him go to voice mail. That gave me more control over my situation and emotions.
You don't have to answer the phone. He can leave a message on your voice mail, and then you can decide whether or not you or going to call him back. It will also give you time to think about what you are going to say.
You have your hands full with the kids. He can take care of himself.
Despite how he may feel, or you may feel, HIS problems are not YOUR crisis. I instituted the 24 hour rule when my ex and I broke up. I stopped taking his calls. I let him go to voice mail. That gave me more control over my situation and emotions.
You don't have to answer the phone. He can leave a message on your voice mail, and then you can decide whether or not you or going to call him back. It will also give you time to think about what you are going to say.
You have your hands full with the kids. He can take care of himself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I think it is typical for people to not take responsibility for their own role in marriage problems whether an addict or not. Just makes it worse, IMO, if the person is addicted. So much denial.
He needs to work on himself and that's going to take time. That means going into treatment. Until he does that and comes back out from having completing treatment, you will be spinning your wheels trying to stay with this man. You've tried to get him to take seriously what he is doing to himself, you and the children, but until he knows you really mean it he's not going to change (if he changes even then). So hang tough and don't let him con you again. He may take you up on treatment if he knows this time you are not backing down--but if not, at least you know where you stand in regards to his current love affair with his DOC.
He needs to work on himself and that's going to take time. That means going into treatment. Until he does that and comes back out from having completing treatment, you will be spinning your wheels trying to stay with this man. You've tried to get him to take seriously what he is doing to himself, you and the children, but until he knows you really mean it he's not going to change (if he changes even then). So hang tough and don't let him con you again. He may take you up on treatment if he knows this time you are not backing down--but if not, at least you know where you stand in regards to his current love affair with his DOC.
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