irony?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
irony?
Had a great talk with a friend who's 8 years sober today. I'm getting the picture slowly. Seeing how some of my actions are very coda related.
if you haven't noticed my wife and I struggle to focus on our own recovery but something happened today...
As we returned from celebrating our daughters birthday the in-laws had lain a few packages at the door.
If we revisit some of my wife's mother's rather large resentments? It's when my mother in law would receive gifts for her children at her doorstep from her brother in law. Symbolic that my daughter gets her gifts at the doorstep?
I think not.
lets revisit... We are doing what we can to get better but getting sidetracked under the guise of them "wanting to be involved".
Is this a joke? A present on a birthday means nothing to an 8 year old outside of "more presents".
To add... none of the gifts had any relevance towards my daughters current interests.
They don't know our kids and haven't taken the time to understand them.
It leaves me confused... On one token i hear the following from my mother in law. "if it' weren't for the kids I wouldn't be here"
meanwhile she hasn't been here for the kids one bit since my wife was discharged from rehab.
Right now I have that knot in my stomach. wondering. Worrying. Angry etc.
What do you do when in-laws or straight out relatives behave inappropriately?
At this point I'm done. Glad to have them out of my life but this occasional "revisit" hinders in every way. If you don't know my past look up my last thread.
I'm not here to play victim.... She and I both hurt them I get it.. Though at this point in our recovery... Their actions thus far have led to nothing positive. I am tired of this manipulative bs. Tired of living a life based on someone else... I feel compelled to instruct them to leave for good. in fact I rather look forward to that closure. Either way I seek your council... What do I do?
The irony here is... They claim X but perform Z. Not consistent of what you'd consider "grandparents"
if you haven't noticed my wife and I struggle to focus on our own recovery but something happened today...
As we returned from celebrating our daughters birthday the in-laws had lain a few packages at the door.
If we revisit some of my wife's mother's rather large resentments? It's when my mother in law would receive gifts for her children at her doorstep from her brother in law. Symbolic that my daughter gets her gifts at the doorstep?
I think not.
lets revisit... We are doing what we can to get better but getting sidetracked under the guise of them "wanting to be involved".
Is this a joke? A present on a birthday means nothing to an 8 year old outside of "more presents".
To add... none of the gifts had any relevance towards my daughters current interests.
They don't know our kids and haven't taken the time to understand them.
It leaves me confused... On one token i hear the following from my mother in law. "if it' weren't for the kids I wouldn't be here"
meanwhile she hasn't been here for the kids one bit since my wife was discharged from rehab.
Right now I have that knot in my stomach. wondering. Worrying. Angry etc.
What do you do when in-laws or straight out relatives behave inappropriately?
At this point I'm done. Glad to have them out of my life but this occasional "revisit" hinders in every way. If you don't know my past look up my last thread.
I'm not here to play victim.... She and I both hurt them I get it.. Though at this point in our recovery... Their actions thus far have led to nothing positive. I am tired of this manipulative bs. Tired of living a life based on someone else... I feel compelled to instruct them to leave for good. in fact I rather look forward to that closure. Either way I seek your council... What do I do?
The irony here is... They claim X but perform Z. Not consistent of what you'd consider "grandparents"
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Husband, I know these are difficult times for you and your wife right now, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with a grandmother leaving gifts for her grandchild's birthday.
I sense that this isn't about the gifts, but perhaps a resentment you carry toward the grandmother? You don't have to answer that but maybe give it some thought.
Resentments will eat you alive if you let them. The antidote is forgiveness.
Hope you all work this out sometime soon, it's a shame these kids can't share a peaceful family especially on their birthdays.
Hugs
I sense that this isn't about the gifts, but perhaps a resentment you carry toward the grandmother? You don't have to answer that but maybe give it some thought.
Resentments will eat you alive if you let them. The antidote is forgiveness.
Hope you all work this out sometime soon, it's a shame these kids can't share a peaceful family especially on their birthdays.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
I am not under the notion that they should be doing cartwheels as a result of our striving for recovery. They are allowed to feel however they want. Angry betrayed... Whatever.
Just like my wife's and my actions have caused great harm due to the dysfunction. They are continuing this legacy with their behavior.
Remember. One of the bigger things my wifes mother is very resentful over my wifes uncle is... That he'd leave gifts by the doorstep at their birthdays etc.
This is no coincidence and I find it unacceptable. It's like trying to climb a rope to the ceiling yet people instead of pushing you up or trying to help or even sit there as a bystander are pulling you down when you just started.
Please understand. I do not expect anything from them. In fact I would be happy to have them out of my life.
They are continuing a level of dysfunction and acting in a manner that is unacceptable. This is not conducive to anything and quite easily pushes for regression. (Regression wouldn't be their choice but ours)
I am not under the notion that just because we have sought help that things will be a smooth ride. I know things will be tough. Issues with the in-laws just changes it up a bit and offsets our focus from the introspective reflections and healing of ourselves... To the deflective anger and analysis of others. This adds chaos to the mix and as I said to my friend last night... It's like fighting 3 battles at the same time. With myself, my wife and her addiction and the in-laws.
The one good thing is every time they jump in my wife and I grow stronger together. Though I've also read addicts tend to push family away. I recognize areas where this may have happened in the past. If every time you wash a dish someone on the other end keeps wiping poop on it. I just don't know how we should healthily work through this.
To me it's pulling the plug on them for good. At least until we are in a state to handle it.
How do you respond to behavior that is not only inappropriate but unhealthy?
My friend mentioned letting go and letting god. I agree... Easier said than done.
What are the steps I can take to ease this frustration so I can focus on one of the problems... me? And how do you support the addict through all of this? This increases her guilt tenfold? I don't intend to shield her of the consequences of her actions. I do intend to support her and contribute towards making this place (our home) a functional environment.
Please don't get the wrong idea. I am not taking on my wife's recovery. I recognize aspects of myself that enabled the situation and am doing what I can to support her along with working on myself.
I haven't been to an al-anon meeting yet but plan to. So far I've been sharing here and with some friends in recovery. Reaching out for help. Thank you for reading and for your insight on dealing with this.
Just like my wife's and my actions have caused great harm due to the dysfunction. They are continuing this legacy with their behavior.
Remember. One of the bigger things my wifes mother is very resentful over my wifes uncle is... That he'd leave gifts by the doorstep at their birthdays etc.
This is no coincidence and I find it unacceptable. It's like trying to climb a rope to the ceiling yet people instead of pushing you up or trying to help or even sit there as a bystander are pulling you down when you just started.
Please understand. I do not expect anything from them. In fact I would be happy to have them out of my life.
They are continuing a level of dysfunction and acting in a manner that is unacceptable. This is not conducive to anything and quite easily pushes for regression. (Regression wouldn't be their choice but ours)
I am not under the notion that just because we have sought help that things will be a smooth ride. I know things will be tough. Issues with the in-laws just changes it up a bit and offsets our focus from the introspective reflections and healing of ourselves... To the deflective anger and analysis of others. This adds chaos to the mix and as I said to my friend last night... It's like fighting 3 battles at the same time. With myself, my wife and her addiction and the in-laws.
The one good thing is every time they jump in my wife and I grow stronger together. Though I've also read addicts tend to push family away. I recognize areas where this may have happened in the past. If every time you wash a dish someone on the other end keeps wiping poop on it. I just don't know how we should healthily work through this.
To me it's pulling the plug on them for good. At least until we are in a state to handle it.
How do you respond to behavior that is not only inappropriate but unhealthy?
My friend mentioned letting go and letting god. I agree... Easier said than done.
What are the steps I can take to ease this frustration so I can focus on one of the problems... me? And how do you support the addict through all of this? This increases her guilt tenfold? I don't intend to shield her of the consequences of her actions. I do intend to support her and contribute towards making this place (our home) a functional environment.
Please don't get the wrong idea. I am not taking on my wife's recovery. I recognize aspects of myself that enabled the situation and am doing what I can to support her along with working on myself.
I haven't been to an al-anon meeting yet but plan to. So far I've been sharing here and with some friends in recovery. Reaching out for help. Thank you for reading and for your insight on dealing with this.
Last edited by husband; 06-27-2011 at 04:20 AM. Reason: fixed some typos and wrote more...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I think probably the best thing you can do now is get into a support group for friends and family of substance abusers and begin to work the 12 steps right along side your wife. The rest of what you are dealing with will fall into place as you progress.
Being in your group and your wife in her group will give you both something in common. You will be working on similar aspects of recovery so that you are both growing stronger. You will learn aspects of yourselves you never considered before--and change how you view what's going on in your lives.
Being in your group and your wife in her group will give you both something in common. You will be working on similar aspects of recovery so that you are both growing stronger. You will learn aspects of yourselves you never considered before--and change how you view what's going on in your lives.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Husband,
I agree with kmangel. I think that getting to your own meetings and seriously working your own program with a sponsor would be really helpful. It's great to come to SR and talk with friends in recovery but it doesn't take the place of face to face support and recovery.
Awhile ago, a relapse prevention counselor told my husband and myself that the ONLY way that our relationship would work is if we BOTH worked a strong recovery program. Her words have proven to be true. Our relationship is now dissolving. The only way to make it through all of these resentments and judgements is to earnestly work some sort of program.
Any time you have a resentment it's important to search for your role in it....from there you can explore your own motives and reactions. Where are you reacting from a place of unhealthy behaviors and thoughts? What could you do to stay in the solution. The main reason that I like working the 12 steps is that they build on one another. When I started with how I am powerless over people and that my attempts to have power made my life unmanageable I was finally able to find solutions. I realized that it was going to take a power greater than myself to solve those problems and my reactions to them. After that, I became willing to seek the will of that power greater than myself. Once I really had a good understanding of those priniciples I found that I was better able to look at my resentments and deal with them.
You asked what are the steps that you can take to ease the frustrations that you are feeling? The first steps are to get to some meetings and listen to the experience, strength, and hope of those that have gone through what you are going through now. I understand your frustrations and I know that I found relief by following the advice that I am giving. It's not a quick fix and it takes a lot of hard work. It's worth it though.
I can tell that you really care about your family and your wife. The best way to help her is to help yourself with your own recovery.
I agree with kmangel. I think that getting to your own meetings and seriously working your own program with a sponsor would be really helpful. It's great to come to SR and talk with friends in recovery but it doesn't take the place of face to face support and recovery.
Awhile ago, a relapse prevention counselor told my husband and myself that the ONLY way that our relationship would work is if we BOTH worked a strong recovery program. Her words have proven to be true. Our relationship is now dissolving. The only way to make it through all of these resentments and judgements is to earnestly work some sort of program.
Any time you have a resentment it's important to search for your role in it....from there you can explore your own motives and reactions. Where are you reacting from a place of unhealthy behaviors and thoughts? What could you do to stay in the solution. The main reason that I like working the 12 steps is that they build on one another. When I started with how I am powerless over people and that my attempts to have power made my life unmanageable I was finally able to find solutions. I realized that it was going to take a power greater than myself to solve those problems and my reactions to them. After that, I became willing to seek the will of that power greater than myself. Once I really had a good understanding of those priniciples I found that I was better able to look at my resentments and deal with them.
You asked what are the steps that you can take to ease the frustrations that you are feeling? The first steps are to get to some meetings and listen to the experience, strength, and hope of those that have gone through what you are going through now. I understand your frustrations and I know that I found relief by following the advice that I am giving. It's not a quick fix and it takes a lot of hard work. It's worth it though.
I can tell that you really care about your family and your wife. The best way to help her is to help yourself with your own recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Ann 
I sense that this isn't about the gifts, but perhaps a resentment you carry toward the grandmother?
Hugs
Hugs
Birthday presents to an 8 year do not hold the same meaning as they do to adults. I would say they are close to meaningless to the child except "MORE STUFF!!!"
If your aim is to support and be with the kids. You can't accomplish that by withdrawing all involvement with them and dropping off gifts. It's by doing things that actually have meaning like... Spending time with the kids.
Resentments? Me? Naaaaaa
.. Ok maybe a little. I left a very successful job and moved across the country almost next door to them so my wife could heal and get the help and support she needed. They have been all but absent from our lives.
There is so much to this and I'm only hinting at the surface. I know how resentments affect me. The forgiveness part is very, very difficult. Made more difficult by the shenanigans of what I read into last night.
I know this woman quite well. Her behavior and that of the rest of the in-laws are toxic to my wife and I.
No question we have to work out the resentments. How do we deal with this situation so some semblance of sanity can be maintained while we work on ourselves?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
"How do you respond to behavior that is not only inappropriate but unhealthy?"
As I understand it, you're talking about your MIL leaving a birthday present for your child. Why not just encourage your child to thank her for the present and otherwise ignore your MIL, being civil if she contacts you, until you get a grip on everything else that's going on? And why is this even your issue anyway?
As I understand it, you're talking about your MIL leaving a birthday present for your child. Why not just encourage your child to thank her for the present and otherwise ignore your MIL, being civil if she contacts you, until you get a grip on everything else that's going on? And why is this even your issue anyway?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I am another who thinks this is not about some dopey gift left at the door step.
As for the immediate issue, regift. Teach your daughter to be grateful-send a thank you card to grandma and donate the blasted gift.
As for the immediate issue, regift. Teach your daughter to be grateful-send a thank you card to grandma and donate the blasted gift.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by husband
Resentments? Me? Naaaaaa ..
Ok maybe a little. I left a very successful job and moved across the country almost next door to them so my wife could heal and get the help and support she needed. They have been all but absent from our lives.
.. Ok maybe a little. I left a very successful job and moved across the country almost next door to them so my wife could heal and get the help and support she needed. They have been all but absent from our lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
No doubt there are a great many issues between the family and I'm sure there is a cumulative effect in my emotional reactions towards this. Going to meetings and findin a sponsor are suggestions I am following. It's a recurring statement that in the back of my mind I've been thinking "sure I'll get to it". I'm looking up meetings now guys. Thank you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I'm sure that "Grandmother/MIL" isn't innocent in this scenario - but I'm also wondering a little if I could play devils advocate in her favor for a second. . .
I maybe wrong but if I understand the situation correctly - You and your wife have been "active" for a while and are now in recovery? (Oh and by the way CONGRATS on that - Great for each of you and BEST wishes on that!)
As a grandmother - I can only relate my experiences on a similiar situation ~ I have a daughter - she has 3 children - she is In and out of recovery constantly. At this time she doesn't have full custody of any of her children ~ Soooo I get to see these precious little children few and far between ~ A birthday party here and there - maybe I will get told about one baseball game - most of the time - I get nothing ~ because she's so wrapped up in her disease and her life - she doesn't have time for us.
But then she gets into recovery and I'm suppose to be at every function, every game, every time she invites me over - or I'm angry with her or not very supportive? and I'm suppose to know exactly what to buy for those precious children that I don't hardly get to see or know?
NOW please I understand - that this may not be the same situation and US Grandmas - well most of us would like to be perfect - but we aren't.
But I thought I would just throw out another perspective on how she may feel about the situation - especially if you and your wife have struggled with recovery a few times - (i hope this is not the case and I hope that you continue to do well with your recovery!!)
I know for me when I am feeling resentful, angry and upset - it has been suggested for me to look at the other person's view point to see if maybe I can understand it from their "side of the street"
I know I don't have ALL the details to the situation - so I'm not pretending to know everything about your MIL - but just throwing a little something out there to maybe help ease some of the frustration - and if it doesn't apply - PLEASE take what ya like and leave the rest!!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday to your little one!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I maybe wrong but if I understand the situation correctly - You and your wife have been "active" for a while and are now in recovery? (Oh and by the way CONGRATS on that - Great for each of you and BEST wishes on that!)
As a grandmother - I can only relate my experiences on a similiar situation ~ I have a daughter - she has 3 children - she is In and out of recovery constantly. At this time she doesn't have full custody of any of her children ~ Soooo I get to see these precious little children few and far between ~ A birthday party here and there - maybe I will get told about one baseball game - most of the time - I get nothing ~ because she's so wrapped up in her disease and her life - she doesn't have time for us.
But then she gets into recovery and I'm suppose to be at every function, every game, every time she invites me over - or I'm angry with her or not very supportive? and I'm suppose to know exactly what to buy for those precious children that I don't hardly get to see or know?
NOW please I understand - that this may not be the same situation and US Grandmas - well most of us would like to be perfect - but we aren't.
But I thought I would just throw out another perspective on how she may feel about the situation - especially if you and your wife have struggled with recovery a few times - (i hope this is not the case and I hope that you continue to do well with your recovery!!)
I know for me when I am feeling resentful, angry and upset - it has been suggested for me to look at the other person's view point to see if maybe I can understand it from their "side of the street"
I know I don't have ALL the details to the situation - so I'm not pretending to know everything about your MIL - but just throwing a little something out there to maybe help ease some of the frustration - and if it doesn't apply - PLEASE take what ya like and leave the rest!!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday to your little one!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You can only change yourself, not your MIL.
I hope your child enjoys her presents. My son's grandmother on the addicts side has never ever ever ONCE acknowledged my son's birthday or Christmas. She's never called him on either of those days. Never sent him an unwanted gift or even a stupid birthday card.
POS. Makes me sick and makes me want to cry. My poor little boy.
Even if they HAVE been absent most of his life, it sure would be nice if they made some kind of effort - no matter how LAME it is. It's not about me. And my son would appreciate it.
This isn't about you either.
Just let it go. Who needs the extra drama. It certainly seems to be stealing your serenity and affecting YOUR recovery.
I hope your child enjoys her presents. My son's grandmother on the addicts side has never ever ever ONCE acknowledged my son's birthday or Christmas. She's never called him on either of those days. Never sent him an unwanted gift or even a stupid birthday card.
POS. Makes me sick and makes me want to cry. My poor little boy.
Even if they HAVE been absent most of his life, it sure would be nice if they made some kind of effort - no matter how LAME it is. It's not about me. And my son would appreciate it.
This isn't about you either.
Just let it go. Who needs the extra drama. It certainly seems to be stealing your serenity and affecting YOUR recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
and I'm suppose to know exactly what to buy for those precious children that I don't hardly get to see or know?
In both of my grandkids' earlier years, I did get to see them often, my granddaughter especially as AD only lived three houses down from me when my granddaughter was born.
As AD's addiction has progressed, the constant squabbles between her and her EXH, my visitations have dropped to zero.
It's like these kids are growing up (granddaughter will be 16 next month), and I no longer know what they like as far as gifts, and never know what to expect when it comes to visitation.
I can only imagine how difficult it is for grandparents and in-laws) who have no recovery for themselves!
I really appreciate your perspective on this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
You have all brought up some valid points. We moved here 4 years ago and the first year was really good with the in laws. It went downhill ever since. Did my wifes addiction and my enabling play a role in the decline? Of course.
There are a lot of other factors that go into it though. A lot.
They have always been able to and still have the ability to be with our kids whenever they want. For 3 years they mostly haven't. They are great kids and have been sheltered from most of the damage my wife and I have done to each other.
I say they are great not just because of what I see but also because of their behavior in school, with others, from the parents who watch them now when my wife is in OP and the parent teacher conferences.
As far as being devils advocate? Your statements brought in a new perspective. Thank you for the insight. I'm sorry about your daughter.
If there were a comparison? We stopped expecting things from them a long time ago. We have discussed spending time with our kids ad nauseam several times with them over the past 3 years.
If they want to be with our kids. They just have to call, send smoke signals, email whatever. As we walk our dog daily we see them driving down a lot. Just passing right by us. It's not like they don't know where we are.
They may hurt now. They may be going through any number of things. I get it.
The second my mother in law discovered my wife was being discharged from rehab. She left my house immediately and just said... "I'm done."
We have every intention on letting our kids spend time with them. The in-laws just have to want it. Baby steps I guess we'll see. My wife called her mom to let my daughter speak to her to say thank you for the presents.
I'm getting over this... Mostly over it and you all have helped a lot. It also helps to read through the other posts and see just how bad it can get... Definitely helps my perspective and turns this issue into... Well it tames it a lot. Thanks again everyone!
There are a lot of other factors that go into it though. A lot.
They have always been able to and still have the ability to be with our kids whenever they want. For 3 years they mostly haven't. They are great kids and have been sheltered from most of the damage my wife and I have done to each other.
I say they are great not just because of what I see but also because of their behavior in school, with others, from the parents who watch them now when my wife is in OP and the parent teacher conferences.
As far as being devils advocate? Your statements brought in a new perspective. Thank you for the insight. I'm sorry about your daughter.
If there were a comparison? We stopped expecting things from them a long time ago. We have discussed spending time with our kids ad nauseam several times with them over the past 3 years.
If they want to be with our kids. They just have to call, send smoke signals, email whatever. As we walk our dog daily we see them driving down a lot. Just passing right by us. It's not like they don't know where we are.
They may hurt now. They may be going through any number of things. I get it.
The second my mother in law discovered my wife was being discharged from rehab. She left my house immediately and just said... "I'm done."
We have every intention on letting our kids spend time with them. The in-laws just have to want it. Baby steps I guess we'll see. My wife called her mom to let my daughter speak to her to say thank you for the presents.
I'm getting over this... Mostly over it and you all have helped a lot. It also helps to read through the other posts and see just how bad it can get... Definitely helps my perspective and turns this issue into... Well it tames it a lot. Thanks again everyone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Have to say one more thing. Okay maybe a few things.
We've been tracing the addiction in a timeline to see what happened and when. The brunt of it occurred roughly a year after we moved here and that's when it got worse... Exponentially so. I find this interesting because it was a time in our lives that we were doing everything in our power to succeed.
My eldest daughters sixth birthday happened and we faced an intervention. Not on drugs or alcohol but on what I was doing to find work... Their point is that whatever I was doing... Wasn't enough... (insert insanity clause here). Perhaps one of the most surreal situations I've found myself in for a long time.
At that point we started to realize that not only were they not in it to win it... But more interested in chastising.
A few days prior:
I literally cried to the man I once saw as a father figure (her step father) saying "I don't know what else to do". His response? Well I don't know what to tell you.
Meanwhile a day later he and the gang of in laws managed to say what a piece of sheet I am. That I am not doing enough. etc. etc. etc. have you considered being an X-ray technician.
We left their house that night on my daughters birthday with my wife crying incessantly. Me in a blinding rage for being betrayed.
I moved to the black hole of creativity to help save my wife. So we could be with family for support.
Interestingly my skill is based on creativity so as you might imagine... I was unemployed for nearly 2 years (I had on and off again gigs to sustain us.). We have no family or support.
Man to man you expect somewhat of a forthright nature in things. To be clear, open and honest... A tell it like it is approach. Gosh... There are so many layers to this.
In spite of everything we've been through. The insecurities and even the damage we've caused. I can say I'm really proud today. If you've been following this thread you might get how tough it is. Granted others have it tougher and for those of you that do have trouble I pray tonight you get some semblance of resolve or clarity.
This is crazy...
My wife called her mother today so our daughter could give thanks. It makes me quite proud she was humble enough to do so. We aren't over with "recovery" but that was a step I couldn't have taken.
The discussion.
My sons birthday was 3 weeks ago. I called both my mother in law and brother in law. left messages explaining our plan and neither of them responded or came to the party. They didn't bother calling us either. When mother in law spoke with my wife... She said " well I never got the message" claiming we didn't call. I have the phone records. I called. I looked it up and have a screenshot.
She said a lot of other things to my wife. none of which are either supportive or helpful. I'm really trying to get over this as petty as it seems in comparison to what others are going through.
Let's break it down. Super proud of my wife for her actions today. Concerned with leaving my kids with them.
Please understand. I am not playing victim here. I may realize about 1/2 my role in this. however The way I am seeing things right now. I am actually concerned about the "in laws"?
When my daughter got off the phone with the mother in lay my wife spoke with her... Things were cold unsupportive and overall not good. I would prefer to have them out of my life forever. Out of my kids lives because they have nothing to offer them. Super proud of my wife for how she handled this. I'm just concerned of their contemptuous reprieve and the ramifications.
My thoughts? Love to have the kids building a relationship with the in-laws. Not with how you are acting now.
We've been tracing the addiction in a timeline to see what happened and when. The brunt of it occurred roughly a year after we moved here and that's when it got worse... Exponentially so. I find this interesting because it was a time in our lives that we were doing everything in our power to succeed.
My eldest daughters sixth birthday happened and we faced an intervention. Not on drugs or alcohol but on what I was doing to find work... Their point is that whatever I was doing... Wasn't enough... (insert insanity clause here). Perhaps one of the most surreal situations I've found myself in for a long time.
At that point we started to realize that not only were they not in it to win it... But more interested in chastising.
A few days prior:
I literally cried to the man I once saw as a father figure (her step father) saying "I don't know what else to do". His response? Well I don't know what to tell you.
Meanwhile a day later he and the gang of in laws managed to say what a piece of sheet I am. That I am not doing enough. etc. etc. etc. have you considered being an X-ray technician.
We left their house that night on my daughters birthday with my wife crying incessantly. Me in a blinding rage for being betrayed.
I moved to the black hole of creativity to help save my wife. So we could be with family for support.
Interestingly my skill is based on creativity so as you might imagine... I was unemployed for nearly 2 years (I had on and off again gigs to sustain us.). We have no family or support.
Man to man you expect somewhat of a forthright nature in things. To be clear, open and honest... A tell it like it is approach. Gosh... There are so many layers to this.
In spite of everything we've been through. The insecurities and even the damage we've caused. I can say I'm really proud today. If you've been following this thread you might get how tough it is. Granted others have it tougher and for those of you that do have trouble I pray tonight you get some semblance of resolve or clarity.
This is crazy...
My wife called her mother today so our daughter could give thanks. It makes me quite proud she was humble enough to do so. We aren't over with "recovery" but that was a step I couldn't have taken.
The discussion.
My sons birthday was 3 weeks ago. I called both my mother in law and brother in law. left messages explaining our plan and neither of them responded or came to the party. They didn't bother calling us either. When mother in law spoke with my wife... She said " well I never got the message" claiming we didn't call. I have the phone records. I called. I looked it up and have a screenshot.
She said a lot of other things to my wife. none of which are either supportive or helpful. I'm really trying to get over this as petty as it seems in comparison to what others are going through.
Let's break it down. Super proud of my wife for her actions today. Concerned with leaving my kids with them.
Please understand. I am not playing victim here. I may realize about 1/2 my role in this. however The way I am seeing things right now. I am actually concerned about the "in laws"?
When my daughter got off the phone with the mother in lay my wife spoke with her... Things were cold unsupportive and overall not good. I would prefer to have them out of my life forever. Out of my kids lives because they have nothing to offer them. Super proud of my wife for how she handled this. I'm just concerned of their contemptuous reprieve and the ramifications.
My thoughts? Love to have the kids building a relationship with the in-laws. Not with how you are acting now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by cynical one
Are or were the in-laws helping you out financially?
They have on numerous occasions. Not because of her or me.
Apparently one was obligated to pay her college fees of which I'm obligated to pay 70k for now.
Are they allowed to pick just the children up and take them places or for overnights?
They have on numerous occasions. Not because of her or me.
Apparently one was obligated to pay her college fees of which I'm obligated to pay 70k for now.
Are they allowed to pick just the children up and take them places or for overnights?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
oops some of that got truncated... They have helped us financially.And I appreciate every bit of it. As I understand it in the original divorce papers he was required to pay all of her tuition for college. Yet here I am with her 70k debt (from college) and A house underwater. That I moved to with more than 1 false pretense. Yaaay!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Some of what reads above is just a plain mess. Bottom line Super proud of my wife but very concerned.
When wife spoke to the in-laws they succumbed to watching the kids for one day a week. I know we aren't healthy right now but the kids are good. Would you trust people with your kids that seem more interested in chastising than helping?
When wife spoke to the in-laws they succumbed to watching the kids for one day a week. I know we aren't healthy right now but the kids are good. Would you trust people with your kids that seem more interested in chastising than helping?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
We moved across the country to ensure my wifes "sanity" with certain promises and expectations in mind (based on what the in laws said they would do). I was working for a big company making good money. Do you put finance against your spouse? Of course not. As any responsible husband I gave way for the betterment of my wife. I chose her well being over any financial stability. We will make it work!
We moved to a place that has no jobs in my line of work. However in the oft chance I do get a job I get paid more than I would if I were full-time at home depot or any other such place. My rational was "bust my but", make connections and do diligence to make this work. Everything crashed. Stocks etc which placed additional stress on the situation but I heeded to no-one... Knowing this would eventually work (it has). So what is inappropriate?
upon our first year of moving here. My daughters 6th birthday came about. We ended up at our in laws So she could continue to play, swim etc.
meanwhile an intervention occurred which spoke of their fears and of my decisions to move there in the first place. I wasn't doing enough. It was almost as if they were regretting my decision to move there and the onus at this point was on me. It was. I knew full well what was going on. And was doing everything in my power to make it work. A day or so prior I was begging for help from one of the men that ended up confronting me. Someone I considered to be a father figure yet he had nothing to say on this day. Literally. his response to my plea for help was.. Well I don't know what to tell you.
So here we are on my daughters birthday and he wasn't as nonchalant. In fact he was quite full of words with what I could and should do.
Here we are. Moved across the country and I'm doing everything I can to find work and these people cut my balls off. Whilst a day ago I was crying to the same person for help and he's speechless. (until he spoke to his wife).
In short I left the house feeling emasculated my wife in tears and the dynamics of the relationship quickly changed. My wife's father was taken aback by all that was said. ( I spoke to him the following day).He tends to be more the "financier". But regrets his decision that he left his former wife and tends to be manipulated by her with ease. I love the guy regardless of what he has to offer. if it weren't for his ex wife I think we'd get along fine. Mind you... We moved here so she could get better.
regarding the college loans. I haven't reviewed the paperwork firsthand so it's tough to say. I honestly don't know. This is an assumption based on both my mother in law and my wife's testimony long before any of this happened.
When we first moved. They all wanted a part. now that we've been here it seems too much. My wife's father bought a house 1/ 2 a mile from here but his attendance is conditional. I know they all love the kids I think think they love the "idea of them over the reality".
In my estimation the idea of us moving was great... The reality is... Oh sheet!
We aren't here to place expectations on people. We are just trying to get by. Wife started with post part-um and it has escalated to a degree I never thought possible. having changed our lives completely on the unfulfilled expectations that were clearly laid out.
Ammends. We haven't been through the (is it the eighth step?) in ages.We haven't been specific but recognize there is hurt and we caused damage. Does that negate the situation? Does it absolve us of guilt? Of course not! Even if we have gone through it. The hurt stems from many angles and I know we have a long road ahead of us... I'm messed up, my wife is as well. We owe a lot of money and I'll do what it takes. Fully prepared for it. it's going to be work but I know we can get there. I am really proud of her for her actions today but this stuff eats at me. I hope I answered your questions (not in order) but look forward to a response.
We moved to a place that has no jobs in my line of work. However in the oft chance I do get a job I get paid more than I would if I were full-time at home depot or any other such place. My rational was "bust my but", make connections and do diligence to make this work. Everything crashed. Stocks etc which placed additional stress on the situation but I heeded to no-one... Knowing this would eventually work (it has). So what is inappropriate?
upon our first year of moving here. My daughters 6th birthday came about. We ended up at our in laws So she could continue to play, swim etc.
meanwhile an intervention occurred which spoke of their fears and of my decisions to move there in the first place. I wasn't doing enough. It was almost as if they were regretting my decision to move there and the onus at this point was on me. It was. I knew full well what was going on. And was doing everything in my power to make it work. A day or so prior I was begging for help from one of the men that ended up confronting me. Someone I considered to be a father figure yet he had nothing to say on this day. Literally. his response to my plea for help was.. Well I don't know what to tell you.
So here we are on my daughters birthday and he wasn't as nonchalant. In fact he was quite full of words with what I could and should do.
Here we are. Moved across the country and I'm doing everything I can to find work and these people cut my balls off. Whilst a day ago I was crying to the same person for help and he's speechless. (until he spoke to his wife).
In short I left the house feeling emasculated my wife in tears and the dynamics of the relationship quickly changed. My wife's father was taken aback by all that was said. ( I spoke to him the following day).He tends to be more the "financier". But regrets his decision that he left his former wife and tends to be manipulated by her with ease. I love the guy regardless of what he has to offer. if it weren't for his ex wife I think we'd get along fine. Mind you... We moved here so she could get better.
regarding the college loans. I haven't reviewed the paperwork firsthand so it's tough to say. I honestly don't know. This is an assumption based on both my mother in law and my wife's testimony long before any of this happened.
When we first moved. They all wanted a part. now that we've been here it seems too much. My wife's father bought a house 1/ 2 a mile from here but his attendance is conditional. I know they all love the kids I think think they love the "idea of them over the reality".
In my estimation the idea of us moving was great... The reality is... Oh sheet!
We aren't here to place expectations on people. We are just trying to get by. Wife started with post part-um and it has escalated to a degree I never thought possible. having changed our lives completely on the unfulfilled expectations that were clearly laid out.
Ammends. We haven't been through the (is it the eighth step?) in ages.We haven't been specific but recognize there is hurt and we caused damage. Does that negate the situation? Does it absolve us of guilt? Of course not! Even if we have gone through it. The hurt stems from many angles and I know we have a long road ahead of us... I'm messed up, my wife is as well. We owe a lot of money and I'll do what it takes. Fully prepared for it. it's going to be work but I know we can get there. I am really proud of her for her actions today but this stuff eats at me. I hope I answered your questions (not in order) but look forward to a response.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((husband))
I understand that your wife is working a program of recovery - are you also? Al-anon, Naranon?
I truly can understand and relate to the feelings you may have about some of your family's actions (in laws). BUT in all honesty - THEY TOO have been affected by this disease ~ They too have been affected by your wives drinking/drugging (what ever is her addiction)
As much as you want to give her love, support and understanding - sometimes it helps to detach and give the same to those who seem to be hurting us and our loved ones the most.
If you have a chance to read any recovery literature - try some readings on Detachment with love ~ it may help you to know that although you may not agree or understand your in-laws actions; you can set healthy boundaries, respect their decisions and let go of some of the anger ~ for yourself, your wife and your children ~ Then it's a win win situation for all!
It's not easy but it's worth a try - better than just holding on to the resentment.
Because holding on to resentments is like drinking the poison and waiting for someone else to die!
PINK HUGS!
Rita
I understand that your wife is working a program of recovery - are you also? Al-anon, Naranon?
I truly can understand and relate to the feelings you may have about some of your family's actions (in laws). BUT in all honesty - THEY TOO have been affected by this disease ~ They too have been affected by your wives drinking/drugging (what ever is her addiction)
As much as you want to give her love, support and understanding - sometimes it helps to detach and give the same to those who seem to be hurting us and our loved ones the most.
If you have a chance to read any recovery literature - try some readings on Detachment with love ~ it may help you to know that although you may not agree or understand your in-laws actions; you can set healthy boundaries, respect their decisions and let go of some of the anger ~ for yourself, your wife and your children ~ Then it's a win win situation for all!
It's not easy but it's worth a try - better than just holding on to the resentment.
Because holding on to resentments is like drinking the poison and waiting for someone else to die!
PINK HUGS!
Rita
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