irony?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Husband
Your wife is very lucky that she has a dear husband who cares so much for her that he is willing to sacrifice so much for her. Your intentions are honorable.
So....now.....how to handle the dreaded inlaws?
Anger and resentment = taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
You cannot change your inlaws. They are who they are. You have expectations of them that they are not fulfilling. You have anger and resentment toward them that is not hurting them in the least bit but it is tearing your guts up. You can keep this up and continue hoping for something to change.....but that doesn't work so well.
This is where "letting go" works very well. When I accept (acceptance to the very core of my being) that I cannot control or change another person, I do not resent them or their actions. One of my favorite things to say to myself is "oh well". It sounds flippant but for me, it works really well.
Your mother in law left the gift for your daughter on the front porch. oh well.
Your inlaws are inconsiderate boobs. oh well.
My son is going to jail in July because he didn't do the stuff he was ordered to do by the court. oh well.
The weather is crappy and I was going to play in the sun. oh well.
Anything that I have no control over gets an "oh well". For me, this helps me to examine and understand that which I have no control over. Simple but it works for me.
I have also worked on removing resentments from my life. Resentments make me feel like crap and they don't do a doggone thing to the object(s) of my resentment. Recognizing and removing resentment from my life was like a mountain being lifted off of my shoulders. The difference was AMAZING when I began to change that which I can control (me).
You are a good man with a loving heart. Focus on you first and much will fall into place. Working the steps in Alanon/Naranon for me have been life altering. You and your family will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Your wife is very lucky that she has a dear husband who cares so much for her that he is willing to sacrifice so much for her. Your intentions are honorable.
So....now.....how to handle the dreaded inlaws?
Anger and resentment = taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
You cannot change your inlaws. They are who they are. You have expectations of them that they are not fulfilling. You have anger and resentment toward them that is not hurting them in the least bit but it is tearing your guts up. You can keep this up and continue hoping for something to change.....but that doesn't work so well.
This is where "letting go" works very well. When I accept (acceptance to the very core of my being) that I cannot control or change another person, I do not resent them or their actions. One of my favorite things to say to myself is "oh well". It sounds flippant but for me, it works really well.
Your mother in law left the gift for your daughter on the front porch. oh well.
Your inlaws are inconsiderate boobs. oh well.
My son is going to jail in July because he didn't do the stuff he was ordered to do by the court. oh well.
The weather is crappy and I was going to play in the sun. oh well.
Anything that I have no control over gets an "oh well". For me, this helps me to examine and understand that which I have no control over. Simple but it works for me.
I have also worked on removing resentments from my life. Resentments make me feel like crap and they don't do a doggone thing to the object(s) of my resentment. Recognizing and removing resentment from my life was like a mountain being lifted off of my shoulders. The difference was AMAZING when I began to change that which I can control (me).
You are a good man with a loving heart. Focus on you first and much will fall into place. Working the steps in Alanon/Naranon for me have been life altering. You and your family will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
KE,
"oh well"--I love it!!!
Entire books have been written about detachment, countless threads right here on SR urge detachment, and people spend years in therapy and 12-step groups trying to "get" detachment. And you nailed it in two little words!
"oh well"--I love it!!!
Entire books have been written about detachment, countless threads right here on SR urge detachment, and people spend years in therapy and 12-step groups trying to "get" detachment. And you nailed it in two little words!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Thanks again for your posts. Yesterday was spent mostly in a funk. Trying to get out of myself and the numerous feelings that I guess we all go through during these early stages.
The doubt, insecurity, fear, anger, resentment etc. Over everything... It can be pretty overwhelming. Which is no surprise (from what I gather). I am hitting my first al-anon meeting this evening and will keep my ears open two things... A sponsor and the same level of wisdom you all have given me. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you for your support.
The doubt, insecurity, fear, anger, resentment etc. Over everything... It can be pretty overwhelming. Which is no surprise (from what I gather). I am hitting my first al-anon meeting this evening and will keep my ears open two things... A sponsor and the same level of wisdom you all have given me. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you for your support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Goodonya husband for taking positive steps (Alanon) for yourself. Here's wishing you great recovery strides.
I don't know if anyone here has mentioned this, but when I read your original post, the feeling I got from your in-law's actions was that they love their granddaughter (as witnessed by the B'Day gifties), but perhaps they just can't face (or even be around) your wife (their daughter) right now; so sad, but the pain of her active addiction may still 'smart' a bit.
Of course I could be totally off base and they could just be total @#$%&^$. You and your wife just concentrate you your own recoveries; time will tell regarding the rest.
(o:
NoelleR
I don't know if anyone here has mentioned this, but when I read your original post, the feeling I got from your in-law's actions was that they love their granddaughter (as witnessed by the B'Day gifties), but perhaps they just can't face (or even be around) your wife (their daughter) right now; so sad, but the pain of her active addiction may still 'smart' a bit.
Of course I could be totally off base and they could just be total @#$%&^$. You and your wife just concentrate you your own recoveries; time will tell regarding the rest.
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Thanks NoelleR,
They do love our kids. Her mom is an adult child of an alcoholic and her behavior is as manipulative and dysfunctional as any druggie you've met. People around her tend to placate otherwise EVERYONE is miserable.
They are entitled to feel however they want. Rage, anger etc. I get it and take no issue with their emotions justifiable or not.
I draw a line... Some things are not acceptable in my house and if your aim (purposeful or not) is to bring us down through your unhealthy energies?
To continue the level of chaos that existed? Well you can see the kids but no longer belong in our lives.
My wife and I are pretty emotional right now. I'm not looking to be babied nor do I expect not to suffer the ramifications of anything that has happened. There is a big difference in healthy discussions/behavior and unhealthy ones...
Anything that stands in the way of my wife's recovery or mine or changes focus from what we need to be working on now, I have no problem discarding. With 3 kids and not much time in the day we have enough to deal with.
They do love our kids. Her mom is an adult child of an alcoholic and her behavior is as manipulative and dysfunctional as any druggie you've met. People around her tend to placate otherwise EVERYONE is miserable.
They are entitled to feel however they want. Rage, anger etc. I get it and take no issue with their emotions justifiable or not.
I draw a line... Some things are not acceptable in my house and if your aim (purposeful or not) is to bring us down through your unhealthy energies?
To continue the level of chaos that existed? Well you can see the kids but no longer belong in our lives.
My wife and I are pretty emotional right now. I'm not looking to be babied nor do I expect not to suffer the ramifications of anything that has happened. There is a big difference in healthy discussions/behavior and unhealthy ones...
Anything that stands in the way of my wife's recovery or mine or changes focus from what we need to be working on now, I have no problem discarding. With 3 kids and not much time in the day we have enough to deal with.
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