peaches28

My husband of two years is a wonderful, funny, loving man. He's a licensed minister. He performed wedding ceremonies for a police officer and another minister. He has counseled others on their marriage/family problems. He has done all this while under the influence of drugs. I had no idea what I was getting into when I married him. He had told me about his past drug problem, but he had been clean for 5 years, and so naive me, I wasn't even worried about it. He was such a God-fearing man when I met him, so strong in his faith, and so loving, I instantly fell in love with him. It took all of a month and a half after getting married, for my new life to unravel. You see, I had tripped and fallen, breaking my elbow. When I went to the ER they splinted it and prescribed me some vicodin. That's all it took. At first he told me to take the pills to work and not leave them at home, because he used to have a problem with them. So, I did. But wouldn't you know it, 2 days later he 'hurt' his back and needed a couple. I fought with him about it, but ultimately, he ended up right back in his addiction. Two months ago I caught him shooting up cocaine in my children's bathroom (ages 11 and 12 from a previous marriage). He was taking everything imaginable at that point. I knew I didn't want him and the drugs in my house anymore. So, I tried to set some reasonable boundaries, such as, if you're using drugs, then I don't want to be around you. Well, after much ado with him putting all kinds of guilt and shame on me for not sticking with my vows of 'in good times and bad', he left. That was in the early morning hours. Later that afternoon I received a text from him that said he was tired of living and he wanted me to know how much he loved me. This, of course, caused me so much grief and emotional turmoil. I had no idea where he was, and he wouldn't answer his phone. I drove up and down the highway, looking for his truck in the motel parking lots. When an ambulance came barreling down the street, I started following it, weeping while I was driving, because I just knew it was going to lead me to wherever he was. I was already mourning him, and feeling the grief of losing him. It was at that point that my phone rang. It was him. What are you doing? he asked. Of course, he was fine. The text he sent me was just one of his manipulative moves to get me to let him come back home. I was so scared, it worked. I have since built up so much anger and resentment towards him for putting me through all the crap that he has, that I now know I have to take some sort of action to protect myself and my kids from this toxic relationship. I have attended some al-anon meetings and am reading books, trying to help myself. I just don't know how to take that first step. I want him in my life, but not when he is using. He has recently begun another binge, and went and got my name tattoed on him. This is his way of trying to manipulate me to put up with it once again. I think the first step I should take is establishing a separate bank account from him. I am the one who has been working full time, supporting our family, and today he has withdrawn hundreds of dollars from the atm, again. This infuriates me, especially since he is not contributing, and I know he is buying drugs. I think once I do this, he is going to get upset and leave. For any of you who have been through this, I could sure use some guidance on how to go about this process of letting go. Many thanks.

kmangel

Protecting yourself financially is a smart thing to do.

Don't let him guilt you into thinking his way of thinking is the right way of thinking when he's in the state of mind he is in now.

What about telling someone in the church, perhaps a senior pastor, about his renewed drug use? I bet they are noticing a change in him, too. There was a pastor in our church with a sexual addiction who was confronted by the elders in our church and he went into treatment.

Ann

Peaches, welcome to SR.

Absolutely protect your finances, and protect your children too. This man is out of control with his addiction and it may very well get worse before it gets better.

I agree that talking to someone at your church may help, but since that is his place of work, maybe a private counselor would work better for you. Meetings have helped many of us find our balance again. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have shown us a better way to live...whether we stay or leave.

He is manipulating you now and will continue to do so. It's what addicts do to try to control their lives and families. It's the actions that tell us everything. Words mean nothing at all.

Take a read around and make yourself comfortable. You are among friends here who truly understand and are walking with you.

Hugs

dollydo

Sounds like you are thinking with your head, not your heart, this is good.

By all means, start separating those finances, before there is nothing left.

Right now, he is not really in your life, his life is drugs, that is his priorty. Until he seeks recovery and works a strong program, for life, there will be no chance of having a healthy relationship with him, and, your children are going to suffer, what happens to them today, will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

peaches28

Thanks for the insight, everyone. My husband is not actively employed and does not actually work in the church setting, even though he is licensed as a minister. We had a bit of a tiff last night. My mother had asked me the other day if he was using again (his behavior is pretty obvious), and normally I would try to cover for him, but this time I told her the truth. He found out last night that I had told her and was furious with me, and he left. You see, he still wants everyone to think he's in recovery, because he's too prideful to admit that he has fallen. Again.
I'm sitting at work, and I'm so exhausted from not sleeping last night. This stuff stresses me out so bad. I feel like I'm being held hostage emotionally. But, it feels good to be taking control back from him. I really appeciated the letter from an addict that I read last night (one of the stickeys). I keep re-reading it as a reminder to myself to be strong.

peaches28

I'm sorry, the stickey is actually called 'what addicts do'.

peaches28

Just went to the bank. My stomach is twisted up in knots-I feel sick. He's gonna be so mad when he finds out I withdrew most of our money. Pray for me!!

Freedom1990

In a sense you are being held hostage emotionally.

I know for me I will no longer allow active addiction in my home and that includes my 33-year-old daughter who is active.

She has a right to live her life as she chooses. I no longer take a front row seat to that.

hello-kitty

I'm glad you took the money out but I'm really concerned because you are scared for your safety after he figures it out!

Your next step could be to find a safe place for you and your children to stay. After all, YOU are the only sober parent they have. They need SOMEONE to take care of them. That obviously isn't your husband. So it's even more URGENT that you protect yourself and stay safe.

You could also change the locks on your house. Unless you think he would just bust in through a window. But it might slow him down long enough for the police to get there if you feel that he will physically harm you. Seriously, people on drugs are capable of ANYTHING - even the nicest sober people can be crazy violent when they are on drugs!

Why don't you take the kids and go stay with your mother until you can formulate a better, long term escape plan?